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By Betch Ivy Carter on

I took a solid chunk of time out of my very busy schedule of listening to Badlands 24/7 to do this review, so someone better fucking appreciate it.

In case you didn’t watch the VMA’s (probably a solid move on your part., tbh), you should know that after three hours of cringe worthy hosting, Miley Cyrus closed out the show with a surprise performance of a previously unheard song and then dropped her new album for free online. This is and ideal situation because there are about three albums a year I’ll spend actual money on, and this isn’t one of them.

I went into this review fully expecting a complete and total assault of my sensibilities in tune with that final, dreaded VMA performance. If we’re being honest, I think that’s what we were all ready for given the level of fuckery we’ve come to expect from Miley these past few years. Too my utter shock an relief, that’s not what I got.

It was hard to remember (and even harder to admit) in all that post VMA haze that, musically at least, I go hard as fuck for Miley Cyrus. You show me someone who didn’t like Bangerz and I’ll show you a liar who is hell bent on not enjoying their life. Bangerz was Miley’s Red: overwhelmingly emotional, all over the place, and wildly underrated. We won’t get into that now, or ever, because probably no one wants to listen to me rant about either of those albums.

Yes, collectively the album is weird as fuck. And yes, there are drug references aplenty. However, they aren’t the boasting pot proclamations of VMA Miley, but more so the mature, subtle references of someone who truly just doesn’t give a fuck what you think about their habits. Except for Dooo It! There is no explanation for that song.

Miley Cyrus and Her Dead Petz is kind of like a Fall Out Boy album in that you should pretty much ignore all of the song titles because they will only serve to confuse you. Unfortunately, that’s where the similarities end. Future reference for all famous musicians undoubtedly reading this article: everyone should try to be more like Fall Out Boy.

Obviously you’re going to form your own opinions on this album, as you should, but because you’re on this site I’m forced to assume that these opinions will verge on hateful and you will leave them in the comments section. Can’t wait. All I ask is this: go into the album with an open mind. It’s not pop, it’s not what you’re expecting, and it’s not terrible.

We picked a select few tracks to break down for you, because twenty three psychedelic, bass heavy electro-rock songs about sex and drugs (and yes, dead petz) is a lot for anyone to handle.

 

The Floyd Song (Sunrise)

 

This song is depressing af, and after a little research I realized it’s because it’s about her dead dog who’s untimely death occurred during the Bangerz tour. Even for a self-proclaimed ballad lover like myself, it was a little heavy.

 

Honestly, my entire family could be brutally murdered and I still don’t think I could pull together such a tragically heartfelt song. You may think that’s just me being a hyperbolic bitch, but…

Choice Lyric:

Death, take me with you

I don't wanna live without my flower

You were saying?

Something About Space Dude

We’re now at our third acoustic ballad in a row and I’m starting to get confused. Is this a prank? Did Miley really get the last laugh? How fucking big can Liam Hemsworth’s dick be to warrant this much heartbreak?

Choice Lyric:

Something in the way you fuck me

You’re never fucking there.

Space Boots

Despite the second allusion to space, this one is pretty good. It’s still slower than we’ve come to expect from Miley, but there’s actually a story here opposed to the weird, Yoko Ono Twitter lyrics the rest of the album has been featuring thus far.

Every album needs one song about the guy that manages to, without fail, draw you back in and make you feel like shit at the same time.

Choice Lyric:

Every time we talk I feel like shit

I guess I was just tryin' to avoid letting myself feel like this

Cause it makes me feel like I might die

But every second I'm doing that anyway

BB Talk

This song is three verses of some kind of stream of consciousness/spoken word  bullshit with a classic chorus thrown in and it’s awesome. Usually I wouldn’t be down for anything this style, but listening to Miley Cyrus bitch about uncomfortable PDA is something I never knew I wanted (nay, needed) until I had it.

BB Talk verbalizes that struggle we know to well: date an asshole - bitch about how he treats you like shit - find nice guy who thinks the sun shines out your ass – realize you don’t know how to handle someone actually treating you right – come to resent him for being so nice to you – sabotage.

It’s the inner monologue you’ve spoken to yourself a 1000 times before, set to some synth with a beat.

Choice Lyrics:

Alright so I’m gonna be honest

It’s the super cutesy shit that’s the main issue here

I mean, I’m fucking what?

 

Fweaky

You know any song that starts with “Mike Will Made It” is about to be a banger. We’re finally getting into familiar Miley territory with Fweaky, a sultry crooner that sounds like a cross between Amy Winehouse’s spirit and Lana Del Rey’s style. Definitely a favorite.

Choice Lyric:

At your dad’s place, or at your moms


And if they’re both home, we can go out on the lawn


And I wanna walk around while wearing high heels


After we drank all night, and we done a bunch of pills


Bang Me Box

If you were ever wondering what kind of kinky shit Miley Cyrus is into, listen to this song. It’s got a lowkey 80’s glam vibe, but all of that was hard to focus on because she is literally asking you to “bang [her] box” and “finger [her] heart.”

 

Choice Lyric,  Honestly I could just paste the whole song here, but lets go with:

What are you doing to me


It's like you're a zookeeper setting animals free


You release me like a tiger that's been locked in a cage

Milky Milky Milk

I’ve never done acid so I don’t think I can full embrace this song. If you have, or are perhaps under the influence of a hallucinogenic drug right now, give it a listen and let me know how it goes.

Choice Lyric:

The milky, milky, milk


Your tongue licking me so hard


And from sucking on your nipples


Licking milky, milky stars