SPOILER ALERT: Read only if you've read it... or don't really give a shit.
Unless you live under a proverbial rock, or are from Africa and live under a literal rock, then you probably have heard people talking about 50 Shades of Grey. At first it's all like, why would I read a 600 page book about the color wheel? But then you hear it's all about sex, and again it's like, why would I read a 600 page erotic novel about the color wheel?
But eventually one of your besties will read it and tell you it has nothing to do with colors, no no. Instead it's a wild love story between a college girl and rich bro who's into S&M. I mean, we're down.
But then we read it. Despite it being a fast read, all this book ever turned out to be was a saga of a nice girl learning the ways of the nipple clamp. We're not denying that we enjoyed it but the main girl, the princess Anastasia, was just an unreasonable joke.
We got past the fact that she was a virgin, I mean whatever, it's plausible though dubious if she's really as #5 skinny as described. We got over her name being Anastasia, in spite of her parents being poor white Americans, not residents of St. Petersburg. We even forgave her distaste for coffee! Frankly, we gave this bitch a fucking break.
But then she said she didn't have a computer, or an email account...!!! This was a huge Mugatu moment for us, we honestly thought someone dropped fucking crazy pills in our #54 iced coffee. Who can afford a car, and college, but not a computer? Gmail is free for fucks sake! Can't even get yourself a cell phone? Our drug dealers can afford those! And like, maybe wear some shoes other than Converse, okay Kristen Stewart? Where's Jonah to tell us he was just punking us, Miss?
And for that matter, why would someone like Kate, who is apparently really hot, has a computer, and is casually valedictorian...of the entire university...be besties with this hardware store virgin? These questions consumed us the whole time, we were totally buggin.
Now that we got that out of the way, let's move on to Christian Grey. To be honest, we liked his character in spite of him being a complete creep who reminded us of Patrick Bateman. We were honestly waiting for the moment that he was going to kill the bitch, chainsaw style. But no, nothing happened.
In our view, all that really happened was this: these two meet. He installs the tracking device. She gets wasted for the first time. He saves her, thanks to the tracking device. She signs an NDA. He puts two silver balls up her vagine. She eats pancakes and bacon. They break up. Cool story Hansel.
On the other hand I've already bought the second book on my iPad so likkkeeee the author must be doing something right.
Anyway, back to Christian Grey. He's wildly rich and insanely good looking. He loves #31 wine, big fan of #77 shopping, and great in bed. Where do we sign up? Oh yeah, through his contract. Oh and speaking of his weird ball and chain ways, was anyone reading this and thinking back to their past sexual partners like hmmmm I'm starting to think so and so may or may not be one of these closeted dominant sex freaks...awkward, yet intriguing.
But would he still have had the same effect on Ana if his name were say....Protestant Perriwinkle?....50 Shades of Taupe?
Characters aside, the sex scenes were all pretty great but we were dying at each description of their private parts. His length...My sex...There...DEEP....My goddess. It was like airport porn. Come the fuck on, it's called a penis! What, E.L. James, you're a big fan of Trey MacDougal? OOOOhhh hello there, my little John Thomas!
And we can't forget to point out that the gliding scene was straight out of Thomas Crown Affair with a hint of Harold and Kumar...such romance.
All in all, this book was highly entertaining but at the same time just okay, it's complicated. Even though Ana got this rich pro to be totally obsessed with her, she was still a straight up weirdo, plain and simple. But we must say, 50 Shades of Grey is great for your diet. Not only does it keep you from eating (because you want to keep reading) but it makes you want to enter into a week long fuckathon with the hottest guy you know.
Great review! I am in the middle of the book, have to read it o the ipad because no more paperback copies are available. I think it takes some thing away from it….
Posted on — ReplyTotally agree, girl is an idiot. Christian is hot.
It does make for decent reading and certainly fills up the fantasy bank.
On that note have you ever read “the story of O” ?
That is some hot shit.
50 shades definitely had me think back to “so and so” for maybe being a weird closet dom… but at least he wasn’t a sub right? also totally agree about the great diet! - i’ve lost a few lbs since i started reading this series because i read it on my iPad at the gym and stay there longer and don’t take breaks to eat… thanks E.L.
Posted on — ReplyI love that you mention Kristen Stewart because this book started out as a Twilight fanfiction. Look it up betches.
Posted on — ReplyBy far the most annoying part of the book is that she keeps referring to this inner goddess crap like give me a fucking break E.L. so unbetchy. Also Ana could not have an ipod with loaded songs if she didn’t even own a computer? (no one should listen to that much snow patrol) and the fact that she wears pigtails and is over the age of 13? yikes gehl.
Posted on — Replythank god the rest of the triology isn’t as painful as the first book.
oh and Christian Grey is a golden god.
is the most annoying character ever written. in the hands of a GOOD writer, this storyline could have been phenomenal. too bad e.l. james is awful. you just know she is some loser sitting at home yearning for a hot, rich guy to sweep her off her feet, wishing she was ana
Posted on — Replytwilight and 50 shades are both horribly written. seriously, i’ve lost count of how many times the author mentioned christian’s “long hands.” doesn’t she know any other adjectives?
Posted on — Replysince when do betches read books? this is news to me.
Posted on — Replythe only thing betchy about ana was her response every time christian asked if she had eaten….
Posted on — ReplyThese books had so much hype that I fell for it and read them and while parts of it I enjoyed I can see WHY this should have stayed as fanfiction, online, chapter-by-chapter. It’s so repetitive dialogue and scene wise that you need that few days or weeks long wait for the next chapter because reading it as a long book is so damn monotonous!
My questions is… when will Stephenie Meyer sue? I mean admitting it was a Twilight fanfic before I got before I even read the part in the book saying it was. Just having read the Twilight series and then reading 50 shades I spotted Rosalie, Emmett, obviously Bella and Edward, Jacob, Renee and Charlie off the bat, at their introductions. How is this not plagerism and HP Lexicon creating an HP Universe Encyclopedia is? At least HP admits that every single word is JK Rowlings while EL James (had to look for her name because she’s no author I will PAY money to read her work again) changed so little from Twilight character descriptions and personalities that she got published without even being able to come up with original characters.
My last say on this book: If you want to read sex and have the money to burn, do it but don’t expect depth (Christian was the only character who seemed human), don’t expect mind blowing smut either (expect recycling the same sex scene over and over with the occasional blindfold or tie thrown in). If you are low on cash just hit up fanfiction.net and go for the highest content rating and you’ll find a variety if you can weed through the 16 yr olds attempting to write smut.
Posted on — ReplyI’m just starting the 2nd book and thank god you’re saying the trilogy isn’t as painful as the first book because although I couldn’t put it down…I couldn’t help thinking how ridiculous some of this shit was. Like the pigtails… wtf? Ew. And the ipod comment- I was thinking the same thing. Supposedly E.L. has said in interviews that she sucks at writing and I agree.
Posted on — ReplySooooo….my boyfriend has had to put up with me laughing whilst making my way through this series and I am only halfway through book 2.
Posted on — ReplyI have not laughed so hard since Miss Handlers Horizontal Life - which incidentally got me hotter than anything I have read in 50 Shades thus far!
Anastasia (not Russian royalty - loved that point) is embarrassing. I groan a little bit every time she makes an appearance in the book. Bella at least wants to have sex with Edward and knows it will be rough but takes it like a betch anyway. Yet as soon as Christian does what he loves with a belt, Ana runs for the hills (where she should just stay!)
What would make for awesome reading is what Christian got up to before he met Ana. Before he became boring and pussy whipped…...
She did actually have a cell phone. It’s referenced at the beginning of book 2 when she forgot to unforward her calls to the BB.
Posted on — ReplyGreat review! I cannot see Christina Grey fucking any chick who wears a tankiki, wtf was that all about, Ana? And she says she “never gets drunk” and that’s why she puked her brains out after a few margs? If you’re getting loaded with your mom mid-day on cosmos…you can handle margaritas with friends #fiction
Posted on — ReplyHahahaha so true…there are about 4 typos in the first 11 pages, and Ana just sucks
Posted on — ReplyMy husband bought some of the silver balls that are used in the book and they are pretty amazing. If you are looking for some I would recommend these as they are surgical stainless steel and easy to clean. Check out the link below to see the listing on Amazon.
http://amzn.to/KUc79w
Posted on — ReplyLove the reference of Sex and the City, “What, E.L. James, you’re a big fan of Trey MacDougal? OOOOhhh hello there, my little John Thomas!”. Keep it up!
Posted on — ReplyI couldn’t get over how many times ‘holy crap’ (italics) was used per page. That and the way she kept referring to her vagine as ‘sex’ made me feel totally sick. Like it was all one big medieval gynaecology manual. Jilly Coopers novels shit all over this nice girl rag.
Posted on — ReplyThis is so ridiculous. My mom and sister are totally nuts over this book and I just laugh at them. They tell me about the characters and I just go “Oh, that’s Jacob” “That’s Alice” “Wow, that’s just like when James kidnapped Bella”
I mean, how unoriginal. Bella Swan is already the most pathetic and uninteresting femal character of all time, so why would anyone try to recreate her? Is this really what we like to read about? The boring innocent loser who has guys falling all over her? Give me a damn break.
If I’m fifteen and I can smell garbage, how can you grown women who love the book be so blind? The only reason I give a shit and a half about this book is because it’s fanfiction, and I know my fanfiction.
I bet the movie is going to be suuuper awkward.
Posted on — ReplyAs I read in the first line it grabs my attention, I think this is a good book to read on.As an employee who’s writing numbers of Custom Written Essays I did read a lot of book and it’s my past time and my passion too.
Posted on — Reply