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By The Betches on

The issue of birth control has been a heated one ever since the ancient Egyptians used gynecological papyrus to ward off their betch-hating babies (we kid you not). But boring history aside, modern birth control has to be one of the greatest inventions to hit the betch world since the fucking corset.

So what’s so betchy about not getting pregnant when we #8 sometimes fuck bros?

It goes without saying that anyone who appears on Teen Mom or has a bastard baby before the age of 25 is not a betch. Why is that? Because we have better things to do with our time and futures than mother some expensive whiny child who demands we be #24 sensitive. We have our #95 little dogs for when we want to hold something cute and cuddly, and it’s considered socially unacceptable to leash your baby. It’s really hard to host excessive #23 pregames and go to the bars when you have a major party foul with you 24/7.

picture of kids

Let’s look at different birth control methods and why they’re great or why they suck.

The Condom: For the betch who can’t take pills or is going through a depressingly long dry spell, the condom is your method. Let’s not even get started on deciding to do it without one. Jamie Lynn Spears or any public school idiot can tell you that pulling out is a shit method and lands you a one-way ticket to the abortion clinic. Unless you’re Bristol Palin and you’re stupid and decide to have the baby despite your mom's vice presidential run.

The Pill: The most common among betches. Occasionally a betch will state that she’s not on the pill because she has a fear of getting fat. Unless you insist on taking your daily dose with a pint of fucking ice cream, the only girls who get fat from bc probs had an eating disorder already.

Anyway, you know what might make you gain 5 pounds? Hormonal changes from the pill. You know what will definitely make you gain 50? A fucking baby.

Side note: we all know that girl who's horrible at remembering to take the pill. She'll usually remember one day of the week and take like 5 at a time, resulting in so much estrogen that she's continuously crying or punching someone in the face later that night. Best to avoid this betch and recommend the following to her:

 

sperm and eggBefore you die, you see the NuvaRing

 

The NuvaRing: For the forgetful betch. Although we don’t really like the idea of being fingered without a date or at least some foreplay, some say it requires less stress than taking a daily pill.

The injection/the IUD/The diaphragm: Okay mom, you can go back to fucking rando divorced dads now. These are way too much #36 work and quite frankly are for old people who are senile or stuck in an episode of Seinfeld.

Plan B: This can be used in the event that you fuck up any of the above methods. However, Plan B is NOT an appropriate birth control method in itself. It's expensive and using it enough times can seriously fuck up your future fertility. No one wants to marry a sterile bitch.

If you don't have access to any of the above use Plan A, also known as Plan Keep Your Fucking Legs Closed.

 

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59 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Natasha says:

    I like it.

    Posted on Reply
  2. Queen Betch says:

    I don’t know much about the injection or the diaphragm but I do know that IUD’s, such as mirena, are something that you can get put in once and last for years. That seems the opposite of doing work to me? Always they’re the most effective birth control available so you avoiding gaining that dreadful 50 lbs. Just a thought

    Posted on Reply
  3. SarcasticBetch says:

    You forgot the other method of birth control, the Casey Anthony method.

    Not recommended. For anyone.

    Posted on Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    although i love this site I can’t not say something about the misinformation in this post. Taking Plan B often will not “fuck up your future fertility”. Plan B is simply a high dose of hormones in one pill (about the same amount of hormones that the early birth control pills contained, before doctors realized that much wasn’t necessary). However, if you’re taking Plan B frequently it probably means you’re living a reckless lifestyle and using unsafe sex practices which is why it is obviously not a good thing, but the Plan B pill itself in no way messes with your chances of having children later in life.

    Posted on Reply
  5. natasha says:

    Sorry, betches, this sucks. IUDs last 5+ years, don’t turn you into a hormonal BSCB like the pill can, and you don’t have to do shit. Plus, how are you going to convince people you Don’t Fuck Bros with you’re single but taking the fucking Pill everyday?

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    Nothing like reading about birth control to remind me to take my pill today. Thanks betches.

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    Man, fuck this person.

    Posted on Reply
  8. sarah says:

    you have to have already had a baby to get those…aka the exact opposide of what we’re getting at here

    Posted on Reply
  9. Daisy says:

    I had one bro take off his condom mid sex. So always, always take your pills ladies!

    Posted on Reply
  10. Abetch says:

    I appreciate their reply. Thank u! I’m one of the reckless and want to have kids in about 5 years! That scared me when I read it

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    IUDs are expensive. Therefore, they are betchy. And any skinny betch following her 5. diet is not happy about the 5 pounds it may make you gain.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    If we wanted scientifically correct info we would webmd it. Idiot. Great job betches! Best to keep our betchy friends semi-informed then fat.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Tough Love Betch says:

    Who cares about the factuality of this post.  What I do care about is the fact that Betches Love This is losing credibility by writing stupid posts about birth control, which is obviously a fucking given.  Your “Dear Betch” section talks about the DUMBEST topics imaginable (see: why are fat girls always hot? and the appropriate sign off for a text, submitted by “Nervous Betch” which is a complete oxy-fucking-moron).  If you need to do an every other day post and make this shit good, then so be it, but betches can’t continue to read these irrelevant, nice girl posts about birth control.  And your new layout looks cheap.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Taffy Sinclair says:

    Hopefully there will come a day when we hear the term “Plan B” and think of going to lunch at the Beverly Wilshire instead of the Ivy… because it’s too cloudy outside.  But for now, it’s insurance that your not going to get stuck with some bro’s spawn.  I would like to say that taking Plan B is basically just like taking a shit ton of your birth control pills all at one time, and it won’t fuck up your physical ability to have kids in the future, but it will fuck up your ability to NOT jump from a moving vehicle.  Taking the pill is what it is.  You have to do it.  If you don’t, you might wind up pregnant, crazy, and all of a sudden you’re rattling on about how you want to have a “natural birth” or something, you’re really fat, and you’re touching your stomach all the time.  BTW- Betches would never have a fucking “natural birth”.  Why go through the agony of having your precious parts stretched for 2-40 hours when you can either be completely drugged and/or get a C-section?  Just saying.

    Posted on Reply
  15. just sayin says:

    IUDs are, as mentioned, expensive and exlusive, AKA betchy. You do not have to have had a baby to get one, fucking duh. They last 5 years and you literally do no work. Any betch who disagrees obvi doesn’t have one and is a poor bitch who takes the free pills you can get at Planned Parenthood. So unbetchy.

    Posted on Reply
  16. QueenB says:

    Birth control pills are the only betchy way to keep (occasionally) fucking bros a classy little secret. Betches say that they take them because it keeps their boobs big while #noteating, their skin perfectly clear, and have a fake 2 day period. A betch never under any circumstance has to admit shes taking birth control because she’s getting laid. Let’s not forget that birth control brands are equivalent to clothing/shoe brands. You’re taking generic pills instead of lo estrin or yaz? Why don’t you just start wearing payless pumps instead of loubs, because you clearly aren’t betchy and should start ordering regular coke.

    Posted on Reply
  17. Brittany says:

    When living in Florida and exploring options, my GYN was more than happy to provide the IUD for me as an alternative to the pill. I’ve never had children but I plan to in a few years and she said as long as I was willing to practice safe sex (duh), it would be an excellent solution.

    The IUD is becoming a more popular form of birth control and IMHO, should be given to younger women because they are more prone to forgetting the daily dose of a pill, making their chances of pregnancy higher. I don’t think it is for everyone, but it shouldn’t be labeled as “way too much #36 work and quite frankly are for old people who are senile or stuck in an episode of Seinfeld.”

    If you consider not having to take any form of BC for 5 years as more work than swallowing a daily pill, inserting a monthly ring, or going to a clinic for the quarterly shot, you are not a betch. You are fucking lazy.

    PS: more info about the IUD here: http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2010/04/05/the-iud-reborn.html

    thebionicbrittany.wordpress.com

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    No, that is not true. I have an IUD and I can assure you I have never had a baby or been pregnant. I fucking love my IUD. I don’t get a period and I don’t have to worry about birth control again until 2016.

    Posted on Reply
  19. ashley says:

    you def don’t already need a baby

    Posted on Reply
  20. natasha says:

    You don’t. Any gyno will tell you there isn’t a medical reason you have to push one out before you can get an IUD. Two of my besties have one (as do I) and it’s the best fucking thing to come out of the doctor’s office since adderall.

    Posted on Reply
  21. Sassy Betch says:

    Just posted about having safe sex like a betch… Have a read!

    <3 A Bitch

    Posted on Reply
  22. betch says:

    i forget to take my pills 4 to 5 days a week. i def forgot today. fucking birth control

    Posted on Reply
  23. Anonymous says:

    have you not been reading this website? anything expensive is betchy….

    Posted on Reply
  24. The Man With Bro Name says:

    As a Bro, the best form of birth control is giving a fake name and number. That way if the slam gets preggers, she has no way of finding me.

    But wait, you ask - how is that actually a form of birth control?


    The answer is: I don’t give a shit. You can drive yourself to Planned Parenthood and pay the $250 to suck the little monster out. Once I’ve blown my load you no longer exist to me.

    Posted on Reply
  25. LongHairDontCare says:

    A betch is either on the pill, or she’s not. NuvaRing? Ew. For the forgetful betch - two words: iPhone alarm. Use it.
    Exception: Plan B can be used once max twice, because the pregnancy scare is one of those rare moments in a betch’s life where being a BSCB is completely warranted. Like first day of rush, or forgetting where you hid the handle.

    Posted on Reply
  26. Anonymous says:

    dont forget about the betches who set their alarms every day at 8:00pm, right when gossip girl or some other betchy show is on and frantically runs out of the room to take her magic pill

    Posted on Reply
  27. IvannaBetch says:

    Literally laughed out loud on this comment.

    So. Fucking. Dark.

    Posted on Reply
  28. reallybetch says:

    Is it just me or is betches seeming a little tamer than usual. It seems like their running out of betchy things to talk about so now they are trying to push a nice girl social agenda about things like birth control. hmmm that couldn’t possibly have anything to do with any new sponsors could it?
    let’s keep things betchy. fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
  29. kaity says:

    all you betches in florida should get your tubes tied, to many teen pregnancies and casey anthony birth control is not the way to go smile

    Posted on Reply
  30. Kelly says:

    Good thing people are coming to this website for a laugh and not a fucking health lesson. Chill out this post is quite obviously for jokes.

    Posted on Reply
  31. bec says:

    HAHAHAHA I just died laughing. thanks for that

    Posted on Reply
  32. Jen-Jen says:

    Yaz is a god-send. Light periods, no weight gain, clear skin, but it kills your libido which is good if you can’t stop yourself from fucking unworthy bros and pros. IUD is fine, but sometimes the guy can feel the strings that hang down on his peen. Might be a problem.

    Posted on Reply
  33. DumbBetch says:

    Just an FYI, Plan B - 16 dollars at Target. Not expensive and totally betchy

    Posted on Reply
  34. Anon says:

    Exactly! I have never had a baby and I haven’t had my period since I got it… 1.5 years without a period is like heaven. And it’s zero work - don’t have to worry about it for 5 years and I don’t have any mood swings or cramps ever.

    Posted on Reply
  35. snitchybitch says:

    my doctor said plan b could not harm you long term. hope shes right. otherwise i am fucked.

    Posted on Reply
  36. whateverbetch says:

    fuckinggg perfect. lol’d like 5 times

    Posted on Reply
  37. lynn says:

    actually yes, you can get them without ever having had a kid, google it

    Posted on Reply
  38. Worried Betch says:

    I can’t think of anything more decidedly un-betchy than an STI.  The condom in conjunction with any of the above methods (except another condom!! friction!! ew!!) will lower the chance of getting preggers to nil and keep gross things out of the betchzone.

    Posted on Reply
  39. D says:

    And that’s why betches don’t fuck bros. Get me a fucking Pro any day.  Fuckinggg DUHH.

    Posted on Reply
  40. The Man With Bro Name says:

    No, betches still fuck us Bros on the reg. Why? Because your unwarranted pride in yourselves makes you think you’re always in control, which (ironically) makes you even easier to manipulate than the average slam. We’re alpha which means we will always have our pick of pussy and can talk you into pretty much anything over and over again. It has nothing to do with what you want. This is a Bro’s world.

    Posted on Reply
  41. k3rryl33 says:

    you seem like a nice person. please excuse me while I place an order for napalm which I plan to throw at your genitals. I look forward to speaking with you in the future.

    Posted on Reply
  42. expensive betch says:

    Def the betchiest BC. It’s like the most expensive (well over $1000) and you leave it in your arm for up to 7 years. And no babies and no periods and no cramps! And it’s no work, obviously. A true betch is too busy getting drunk to remember a fucking pill or to have use skank ass tampons.

    I give IMPLANON the title of Betch Product of the Week come to think of it!

    Posted on Reply
  43. Anonymous says:

    soo fucking true. my loestrin is 10X better than that generic bullshit.

    Posted on Reply
  44. Anonymous says:

    it would take way too much work to read your whole comment.

    Posted on Reply
  45. xyz says:

    boss. we have a winner

    Posted on Reply
  46. Anonymous says:

    i love this site but i find this post very offensive . im 23 years old and have a beautiful baby girl. i get that being young you want to live life, party and be crazy. and i wish at times i could still do that. and i dont hate on anyone for doing it but i dont think poeple should comment on having a baby when you dont know how it is to have one. it is a privelage to be a young mother.

    Posted on Reply
  47. IUD BETCH says:

    it goes up for 12 years, stays there, you dont worry about it…. can get it taken out whenever you want to make bebe betches. how is that “too much work”
    also non-hormonal, so theres no raging on hormones uber betch

    Posted on Reply
  48. princessbitch* says:

    Hello if you have to have a baby to get an IUD then how the fuck do so many SMART betches have them? They recommend that women who have had babies get this because if hurts like a bitch to put in. But if you can get over five minutes of pain, enjoy up to 10 years of not being a mother.
    I got one when I was 17 and I haven’t worried about shit since besides my amazing fucking YOUNG life smile

    Posted on Reply
  49. Anonymous says:

    I have the implanon…it stays in your arm for 3 years, its the same effectiveness as getting your tubes tied (but its reversible). it didn’t hurt to get put in and mostly covered by insurance except maybe a copay…CHEAP and NO WORK.

    Posted on Reply
  50. Anonymous says:

    You conviently forgot the top 3 methods:

    -Clothes hanger
    -Play a game of “let’s kick each other in the stomach”
    -Swift fall down a flight of stairs

    Posted on Reply
  51. UPenn Betch says:

    “privelage”

    ...that is all.

    Posted on Reply
  52. Anonymous says:

    painfully funny. LOVED the part about getting fat. Thats what I want to tell my friends, its like um hello each pill does not contain a pound of fat! Youll use it as an excuse to binge and then hello fat!!

    Posted on Reply
  53. notsomuch says:

    the real reason why doctors recommend you get an IUD after you give birth is because it can affect your future fertility.. therefore they recommend it after you give birth so you already have kids… that’s why it’s more geared for people who have their kids and do not plan on having any more kids in the future…

    Posted on Reply
  54. notsomuch says:

    It can mess with you if you take it too much… that’s why its an emergency contraceptive and not an everyday birth control form. duh. making your hormone levels fluctuate by taking plan b all the time can damage your baby maker get yo facts straight, betch.

    Posted on Reply
  55. Improvise Betch says:

    Fuck Plan B, just OD on your bc pills. Plan B is just a higher dose of hormones, so taking several bc pills at a time works just as effectively for our reckless, forgetful betches. Google it—Lots of betches are discussing the proper bc vs. plan b doses.

    Posted on Reply
  56. getthefacts says:

    actually, you are wrong. plan b can in no way damage future reproduction. the only thing it can do, being an excessive amount of hormone, is make you break out. but betches dont break out so this wouldnt be something we worry about. it’s important to have the right info about this for betches everywhere…curious? stop being fucking lazy and look it up

    Posted on Reply
  57. Anonymous says:

    Farrah’s kind of betchy she’s rich and skinny

    Posted on Reply
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