In the spirit of Mothers' Day we’d like to take this opportunity to express both our gratitude that we’re not mothers (thanks Plan B!) and to give a special thank you to the women who turned us into the betches we are today.
Considering the amount of time and energy we expend trying to avoid our parents, it should be said that we totally appreciate the pivotal role that the betchy mom plays in every betch's life. Not only is she there to make sure no one fucks with us, but she's instilled within us a deeply ingrained sense of entitlement that can only come from your mom telling you that you're the shit every single day of your childhood. We know that behind every great betch is her betchy mom. She guides her through life's most important moments, like choosing the perfect sleepaway camp, balling out her elementary school teachers, and finding the perfect psychiatrist who will prescribe Adderall and help with her eating disorder, etc.
Can I get you guys anything? Some snacks? A condom? Let me know! Oh, God love ya.Behind every great mom who's picking you up from school and making your dinner lies a late, great, version of you, which by default makes our moms the shit.
Everyone turns into their mother eventually. Goldie Hawn and Kate Hudson. Dina Lohan and LinzLo. I mean, Kate Middleton's unborn fetus is already a betch. She's not even born yet! Just look at her fucking mother. It's destiny.
Most importantly, a betch’s mom instills in her the heart of all things classy - the right #31 wine to buy, the proper bag to bring out with any outfit, and the correct surgeon to pass on the family nose. So thanks moms, we couldn’t be where we are now without you. You’ve bestowed upon us all the tools a betch could ever need to succeed: beauty, charm, and our first white Lexus.
So call your mom, send her flowers, and treat her nicely. After all, today is the day to congratulate her on her life's greatest achievement...you.
Sadly I do not have a betchy mom. My momis a loser… Thank god I am a true betch at heart and learned it all for myself. But all for the best, because I play the game better since I never had anything handed to me. WIN.
Posted on — Replyselfish. silly. shallow.
Posted on — Replymy mom is the ultimate bitch and I totes got it from her.. well said on the surgeons passing on the family nose so true
Posted on — Replyyou know you were born to be a betch when your grandmother is the ultimate bitch at her retirement home. its in the genes.
Posted on — ReplyElementary school?? Soooo not betchy - it’s referred to as lower.
Posted on — Replyschool by those of us whose parents could afford private school.
Ummmm….not always. I went to an extremely elite private school and in elementary school it was called….wait for it….elementary school. Fucking duh. Are you a fucking Brit?
Posted on — ReplyHA! Like my mom would ever lift a finger (AKA COOKING DINNER AND DRIVING…. she has people for that)
Posted on — ReplyYes
Posted on — ReplyNo shit, dumbass. It’s betcheslovethis, not nicegirlslovethis
Posted on — Replywhite lexus?!?! ewww
Posted on — ReplyTry white Mercedes fucking duh
Posted on — ReplyCalling your Mom a loser = TTH. Grow up, right now you’re obviously just a betch in training.
Posted on — ReplyI posted about having children here, naming one Elle, and was told to be a mom and a waste of 3 degrees. Wannabe Betches, read your Betch bible. My little girl could already run circles around the haters.
Posted on — ReplyI am guessing English was not one of those degrees…
Posted on — ReplyExcuse me, would you like to edit my post? No just a boring doctorate, thank deity of your choice for spellcheck..
Posted on — ReplyI’m assuming the JC stands for Jose Cortez. Wtf are you saying?
Posted on — ReplySome people take this waaaayyy too personally! So annoying….
Posted on — Reply