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By The Betches on

Growing up, our teachers taught us that it's important to know where we came from and to be familiar with our roots, like figuring out the origin of our ancestors, or our expensive family heirlooms. We guess history's important and shit but we want to talk about the only historical movement that really matters: The rise of this generation’s betch.

Our favorite movies:

Cher Horwitz taught us everything we need to know: the importance of #8 not fucking high school bros, how to be philanthropic for those less fortunate-looking help trashy people with ghetto accents, and the definition of sporadically. But honestly, Clueless is a work of art, with each time we watch it we learn something new.

 

mean girlsWe did everything in our power to NOT turn out like this girl.

 

Then came along Mean Girls which turned the whole game around. If someone didn’t do something you wanted to do, like a teacher not accepting a request for an extension on your paper, before Mean Girls our reaction would be something like “Whatever, thanks anyway.” Now it’s just “Boo you whore.” It showed us that the #41 fake smile is a real thing and it’s okay to demand your pink shirt back.

We also can’t forget Legally Blonde, because if it weren’t for Elle Woods we wouldn't know that it's okay to go to Harvard Law as long as you're the hottest betch there. She also got in without doing like, any work. What? Like it’s hard?

Our TV idols:

Michelle Tanner was one mother fucking baby betch. She was the youngest of the family but also the most self-centered. We liked that about her. We wanted to be her. Something about her just screamed that she was going to rehab when she was older. That little betch had the full fucking house kissing her ass well before she turned 1. It clearly stuck with the little Olsens.

And who can honestly call themselves a betch without acknowledging the work Angelica Pickles has put in to make the betch life a reality. She was the biggest brat on TV, obvs our number one cartoon idol. Even Tommy knew not to fuck with his super cool rich older cousin.

The Betch Accessories:

So, we’d like to say thank you to our Tamagotchis. You made it easy for us to have a pet without having to do any fucking work. You also gave us a chance to practice starving someone other than ourselves.

 

RugratsManipulating bros? Check.

 

Prada backpacks: Omg we couldn’t go anywhere without our Prada backpacks. Like Alex Mack said, "You only LOVE your Sketchers because you don’t have a fucking Prada backpack." As a 12 year-old the Prada backpack was a necessary staple item to hold all of our important possessions. I’ll put my palm pilot back in my Prada in one min, I have to pencil in tomorrow’s recess. It also gave us a place to put our Nokia cell phone after we were done texting our 7th grade besties and playing Snake.

Juicy Couture: The sweatsuits. Wow. Those were fugly. We sometimes slutted it up by wearing them zipped up with nothing under. And the Juicy 00 shirts? Welcome to Y2K betches.

Tiffany jewelry: If your mom didn’t get you the Tiffany Tag bracelet for your 10th birthday, you were not a betch-in-training.

AIM: So it used to be that you had to remember a lot of specific details if you wanted to get the gossip around...until there was instant messaging, texting's older hotter sister. Sara's in a fight with Alex where she's talking excessive shit about her? Time to copy and paste this convo to Alex! What a 7th grade slut, should've let me borrow your Pilot pen.

 

summer heights high

 

Solow/Hard Tail pants: Wow, a fucking wardrobe necessity. How else did you show the world how well you could pull off middle school slut chic than wearing a thong at the age of 12 with leggings that grabbed your ass and legs so tightly you could've been ready for a competitive swim contest? Like, I need to get those super hot orange and light grey solows that say “SOLOW” on the flap, those colors are so flattering.

Betchy Music:

Britney Fucking Spears.

Spice Girls: the original teachers of how to #42 dress like a slut. Also, they were British. Enough said.

Nsync or Backstreet Boys: These were the bros we loved. Every betch growing up either loved Nsync or BSB, and always had a fav in each. Into the pretty boy? Nick and JT were your boys. Loved a man with a chin strap – AJ was yours. Minus ten if you didn’t know that Lance was gay. You probably liked 98 degrees if you were weird, or like really sweet.

Every betch knows that you are where you came from and you should never forget your roots. That is of course unless your roots are dark and ugly, or you're like Ashlee Simpson, in which case you should definitely forget what you looked like before you grew up had plastic surgery and pretend you were always hot.

 

 

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37 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Lexi says:

    Ja’mie King: A true betch.

    Posted on Reply
  2. Aniluap says:

    You guys nailed it all! From angelica to alex mack, from tomagotchis to slutwear… you named it all. hilarious.

    Posted on Reply
  3. concernedbetch says:

    This was good and funny but you haven’t really had any truly relate-able posts lately.
    It’s pretty unbetchy

    Posted on Reply
  4. Caroline says:

    10 years later, I still have so lows…

    Posted on Reply
  5. Princess Bee says:

    not relatable?  If you can’t relate to this post, you must have been a tomboy or like.. Amish.

    Posted on Reply
  6. VC says:

    Don’t we all? They’re amazinggg

    Posted on Reply
  7. haha says:

    this post was completely relatable, maybe you’re just not a betch.

    Posted on Reply
  8. nicole says:

    Dear concerned betch
    If you didn’t find that relatable, you are not a betch

    Posted on Reply
  9. I'm Betchy says:

    Honestly this post is perfect. Once a betch always a betch.

    Posted on Reply
  10. youngbetch says:

    This is SO unbelievably relatable, if I had tried to write it I couldn’t have described my childhood better.  If you think this isn’t relatable than you’re either still a betch-in-training, in which case you better respect your elders, OR ewwwww you are super old and therefore didn’t experience these awesome things because you’re over 25. gross.

    Sorry bitch, you should know better than to question the head betches

    Posted on Reply
  11. sfbetch says:

    this pretty much described my childhood, you couldn’t have nailed it better
    thanks for understanding me, betches

    Posted on Reply
  12. Jordan says:

    I fully agree.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    Obviously you are not a betch if you can not relate to any of the posts lately.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Angela says:

    You forgot Hilary Banks, she was an ultimate betch, Daddy provided her with everything and she was a weather girl, getting paid to stand and look pretty!

    Posted on Reply
  15. Anonymous says:

    “So, we’d like to say thank you to our Tamagotchis. You made it easy for us to have a pet without having to do any fucking work. You also gave us a chance to practice starving someone other than ourselves.”


    bahahaha SO fucking true.

    Posted on Reply
  16. Anonymous says:

    this was perfect. don’t forgot that some of these *hot* juvenile options are still acceptable to wear under specific circumstances.

    a) traveling: no full out juicy sweatsuit is okay, but a zipup with some sweats or some juicy pants with an american apparel are totally comfy chic.  But only solids of course, no betch wears letters or rhinstones on her ass that shadow the description of a tomato.

    b) hangover: greasy sloppy bunned hair screams i-need-my-old velour juicy pants and huge sweatshirt.  the only presentable way to greet your besties the next morning with “guysss i don’t remember going to bed last night.”

    c) working out: solo pants are like an old-school term for yoga pants. you know you take a small peek when you see someone wearing black foldovers. small circle or red stripe (hard tail)? the black foldovers are permanent staples-but only black.

    Posted on Reply
  17. newyorkbetchy says:

    Just no. Like Kim Kardashian once said, or Kourtnee, “It’s just as easy to throw on some skinny jeans as it is to throw on some sweats.” Plus who really wants to be seen wearing ANYTHING Juicy. Ew.

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    shut up, you obviously don’t write this site

    Posted on Reply
  19. marksprats says:

    Nice post, thank you.  I learned something.

    Posted on Reply
  20. Candyce Naso says:

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    big chni

    Posted on Reply
    • ... says:

      if you’re using internet explorer you have bigger problems

      Posted on Reply
  21. Anonymous says:

    omg.  i couldn’t have explained the most influential things in my childhood better unless…well…i tried.  too much work though.  thank you for making it easy for me to reminisce about my (and my betchy friends) childhoods.  literally. best. thing. ever.

    Posted on Reply
  22. biancabetch says:

    alex mack didn’t have a fucking prada backpack. that was so obvs bianca in 10 things i hate about you (yes, i know, bianca is a trashy name). get with it, betches

    Posted on Reply
  23. BBbetch says:

    Considering Ja’mie (J-A ’ M-I-E) is obvi a full fledged Betch, she totally deserves a full fledge Betch article. She is who transformed me into the Betch I am today. Whether it was threatening her mum she had to come pick her up or else she’d get raped on the public transit (Betches only do first class travel) and her mum would have to fucking raise the baby, or when Ja’mie caught her man sending “smiley” faces to some slut(she ended up smashing his phone, classic Betch move), no matter what Ja’mie always knew how to handle things like a true Betch.  And of course, Ja’mie King taught me how to throw the Betchiest school formals. She would not take no for an answer and sacrificed her well being(pretended she was an emo cutter…omg) just so she could provide her school with a non-povo dance. She even pulled off the fake lipstick lesbian trick to ensure all eyes would be on her (even though they obvi would because she’s a certified Betch in my opinion). So whether it’s starving herself for a formal or supporting starving children in Somalia(Africa or some shit?), she always maintains a Betch status. She has been one of my most inspiring Betch role models, and because you Betches are of course top Betches, I think you should give this Betch the title she deserves.

    Much luv from your,
    Betch fan//full fledged Betch in training

    Posted on Reply
  24. A.B says:

    Had to google image, yes I researched get over it, Solow/hard tail pants. Like wtf is solow or a hard tail pant? Click “search”, oh… you mean LULU fucking LEMON. DUH

    Posted on Reply
  25. Stephanie says:

    This post is SOOO relatable! If you can’t relate to these posts then you’re definitely NOT a betch.

    Posted on Reply
  26. bisforbetch says:

    betches don’t fucking watch the fresh prince of bel air. will smith. no thank you.

    Posted on Reply
  27. 10thingsihateaboutthispost says:

    thank fucking god i wasn’t the only person to realize this. i’m sure alex mack would ever say this. betch lived in overalls and flannel.

    Posted on Reply
  28. whatever says:

    it’s the same actress..idiots

    Posted on Reply
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  30. shits says:

    solows were an important way to learn some of the first #abbrevs. VPL ring a bell?

    Posted on Reply
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  33. Amanda says:

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