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By The Betches on

Finally, another scandal. We've been waiting.

This week's story involves gossip, phone hacking, really rich old #62 Pros, an overly ambitious ugly girl, epic downfalls of powerful people, and a hot Asian.

So Gawker and the Daily Intel, clearly the only trustworthy news sources left, tell us that Rupert Murdoch's company News Corp, which owns everything, did a lot of fucked up shit to a lot of people.


newsNews of the World, masters of discretion


One of the newspapers, British tabloid News of the World stole, among other things, a move right from Zoolander by doing whatever it took, no matter how many friends it lost or people it left dead and bloodied along the way, just so it could make a name for itself as an investigatory journalist.

Seriously, the paper hacked into hundreds of people's phones and voicemails, from celebs and supermodels, to politicians we've never heard of, to your average 13 year old girl who went missing and died.

But they committed their most serious offense when they tried to fuck with our favorite Brits: Prince Wills and Kate, Hugh Grant, Jude Law, Sienna Miller, her mom, some people in Parliament, ...their moms...

Not that we didn't hate them before, but it should be said now that betches hate tabloids. They are lowbrow. Maybe they'd be interesting if they were true, but again, betches don't believe in things that aren't real. Why go tabloid when you can go Perez?

Sure, betches love gossip and #53 shadiness. But we like shadiness from bros we're trying to not fuck, not from a multinational newspaper conglomerate. Also, the essence of shadiness is privacy. Privacy makes things exclusive, phone hacking negates this.

Rupert Murdoch is NOT a SAB, he's a scumbag.

Let's talk about two of the female characters involved, one hot and one people are claiming is hot fugly.


newsDo me, Rupert


Everyone's talking about this Rebekah Brooks. Tell me this woman isn't a fucking lioness. And the media are calling her attractive! And #9 nicknaming her a "red-haired temptress" who "seduced" Murdoch. Like, what? She's a full-on Lewinsky.

Whatever, this bitch had a lot of important jobs at News Corp, and we don't remember the specifics, but it was totally all her fault. Her hair is fucking FULL of secrets. And we hope we're not the first to say so.

But the real betch to come out of this story is Wendi Deng, Murdoch's "Tiger Wife" who's less than half his age and whom the media has already decided will be Charlie Sheen's next wife.

So some angry bro threw a shaving cream pie at her hubby while he was testifying at Parliament and she straight up clocked this guy in the face. That's badass, so we hit her up on Wikipedia, and not only could she have been a body double for Lucy Liu in Charlie's Angels, but she's an Ivy League betch who's rich on her own (otherwise we'd call her on golddigging, obvi), and she's also really fucking #5 skinny because she's a vegan. Talk about a diet where the only acceptable foods are so revolting that your only choice is not to eat.

So, betches hate this "News of the World." We like the name though, it reeks of narcissism. So betchy, we love that... Fortunately News of the World has been naturally selected out of the journalism space. Looks like the "news of the world" will have to come from someone else.

You're reading it now. Later, Murdick.



13 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    Tea Party furious as they learn September 11 facts.

    Posted on Reply
  2. The Betches says:

    BLTS makes even tedious overworked news stories interesting as hell.

    You should absolutely follow current events more, then I wouldn’t even have to leave this site to get my daily addiction of Burlusconi or the Royals!

    Posted on Reply
  3. The Betches says:

    How can you possibly say this Wendi Deng bitch is hot??? She looks like a duck-billed platypus, her face is horrendously ugly. The fact that she can layer on pornstar eyeliner doesn’t fix her receding chin and weird-looking lips. Rebekah Brooks is so hideous that she has become an it, not a she, but the fact that you think Wendi Deng is hot actually makes me seriously question your credibility. She’s not even skinny!! She has cankles….come on betches, get your shit together. I’m doubting that you’re pretty or skinny now, I can’t believe you think she’s attractive in the least.

    point proven.

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  4. The Betches says:

    she’s the hottest one in the scandal, fucking duh. don’t read the site if you’re going to question it. now go drink a diet coke and work on your tan, skank.

    Posted on Reply
  5. The Betches says:

    ^^what BB said. Besides, she’s definitely the betchiest.

    I agree that you guys should cover more betchy current events! This is this best written post I’ve read in a while. Natasha said it: “BLTS makes even tedious overworked news stories interesting as hell.” Also gotta love the Zoolander and Mean Girls references.

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  6. The Betches says:

    (#74. Bottle Water was good too of course)

    Posted on Reply
  7. The Betches says:

    may i also add, although miss deng’s looks are in question, she embodies The Betch in every other way. at 19, she meets a rich American businessman and his wife in her native China and convinces the wife that she’s a poor illiterate asian who needs english tutoring. they promptly relocate her betchy ass to, where else? california. where she wastes no time beginning an affair with the husband 30 years her senior, and gets kicked out by the jealous wife. of course, Mr. Pro follows her like a puppy, divorces his wife and marries her, only to find that she’s cheating on him with a more age-appropriate Bro. and before she’s even legally old enough to buy herself a fucking drink to cope with all this drama, they divorce. but she had already managed to secure a green card through their brief, but legal, marriage. voila. and all that with the face of a duck-billed platypus? betch is doing something right.

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  8. The Betches says:

    Hmm…that makes her sound like a skanky homewrecker, not a betch. And I’m pretty sure betches aren’t skanky homewreckers….

    she may be the hottest one in the scandal, but she sure is fugly as all hell.

    Posted on Reply
  9. The Betches says:

    thank you.

    it’s not betchy to be a whore, and being the hottest in a situation full of hideous people is nothing to be proud of. Put that chick in a room full of even marginally good looking people and she’ll look like….a duck-billed platypus. Like i said.

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  10. The Betches says:

    you fucking hit the nail on the head, betch

    Posted on Reply
  11. The Betches says:

    real betches don’t watch the news/have better things to worry about. sryz

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  12. The Betches says:

    If you want terror just google images Rebekah Brooks. She’s so fugly she doesn’t even make you remember how hot you are because its just so disturbing.

    Also, Wendi Deng, while not the hottest betch out there, is not terrible looking. She is no doubt #5 skinny. mm, that is picture is obvi unfortunate, but then again I wonder how many of those your #22 group photog has floating around her hard drive of you looking just as awk and chinless.

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  13. The Betches says:

    best analysis of this news story i’ve read yet!

    Posted on Reply
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