In this installment of Betches Love This College, we bring you Southern Methodist Millionaire's University, best known for its rich white people. Only the strong survive at SMU, and by strong we mean pretty, WASBy, and born into the #17 Lucky Sperm Club. (And since Kourtney Kardashian is only 2 out of 3, she lasted just one semester.)
The betch who goes here has a rolling membership to Palm Beach Tan, an undergrad M-R-S degree in the works, and refuses to walk anywhere... I mean, so what if she lives on campus and it takes longer to find parking than the walk to Cox? You better fucking believe she's driving her Range Rover to class.
Greek Life
It's unlikely that a betch who goes to SMU chooses not to be in a sorority, and unless she's fucking clueless. First semester freshman year is the most important time in this betch's life to slap on her #41 fake smile and lay off the semen.
Sororities: Top 3 are obviously Theta, Kappa, and Pi Phi. Don't pretend like you ever wanted to rush any other house.
Thetas have a rep for being coke/potheads and are mainly from Cali, the east coast, Chicago, and some foreign countries. Pi Phis try maintain their nicegirl rep but everyone knows they love their coke, ecstasy and FIJI dick. Kappas are southerners who idolize Martha Stewart and are in a constant race to tie the knot.
Every SMU sorority girl knows the power of her sorority pin and shows that shit off on every purse and outfit that she owns. Forget it at home and run the risk of being mistaken for a freshman or worse, a GDI.
Fraternities: It's imperative that a betch finds the frat she best identifies with at the beginning of freshman year and ensures her invite to every formal and away weekend with that frat for the next four years. Make sure it's one of the top four: FIJI for the betch who loves a good lesson in smokenomics, Phi Delt for the southern betch who loves a good snow day, PIKE for every #157 WGG betch, or SAE for annual passes to #10 Candyland and some magic chili in the Spring.
The frat scene fizzles after sophomore year, when rush and themed parties are no longer the most important thing in the world. Juniors and seniors love Uptown on the weekends and Homebar Thursday but girls never get over their sororities and are obsessed with any event their house puts on.
Post college
SMU betches who stay in Dallas are probably members of elite social clubs like Slipper Club and Cotillion Club and have boyfriends in Calyx - because nothing says friendship like paying people to hang out with you. (NOTE: It's ok to branch out if you're paying top dollar for it.)
This post-college, Southern belle betch is waiting for her pro boyfriend of four years to pop the question so that she can stop pretending she actually wants to be in law school. Unfortunately, she can't see through her rose-colored Ray Bans that her man isn't just an investment banker, he's a real cake boy.
At Night You Should
Monday: Milo's
Tuesday: Stan's Blue Note
Wednesday: San Fransisco Rose for karaoke
Thursday: Homebar. The only thing worse than not making it to Homebar Thursday is being uncomfortably sober at Homebar and subjected to watching a group of Kappas dance in a circle to Britney Spears while taking pictures of each other.
Homebar is also great because if you're not dating your dealer and you don't have any connections to an SAE, you can always order a gram of coke with your next round of Vegas Bombs and blow lines on the picnic tables out back with your besties.
Friday and Saturday: Go to Uptown and hunt for Dallas pros. Choose between Liar's Den, TABC, Idle Rich, and Rio Room if your pro BF is getting a table.
During The Day You Should
Year-round, a betch can be found working off her iced coffee at Dedman, tanning at the Falls, training for her next half-marathon on the Katy Trail, or charging a pair of Louboutins to her mom's Neiman's card at NorthPark.
See and be seen any day of the week at Katy Trail Ice House.
Fall: Tailgating is the perfect opportunity for a betch to go to brunch with her besties and continue getting shitfaced on the Boulevard for the next three hours. It's every betch's favorite way to show she has school spirit by dressing up in her slutty Sunday best. And since no betch would ever be caught dead at the actual football game, she kills time after the tailgate and before her night out by making her way over to Barley House, Milo's or Ozonas.
Sidenote: SMU betches will never understand how it is socially acceptable for girls at state schools to wear t-shirts to tailgate.
Special Events Include
Phi Delt Casino, SAE Jungle, FIJI Island, KA Crawfish Boil, SAE Chili Cook Off, PIKE Shrimpfest, formals, and Mom's/ Dad's Weekend.
Rush Week: It fucking sucks for everyone, but is culminated in a degrading and hilarious tradition affectionately known as the Pig Run. Frat guys line up to throw shit at freshmen girls who are running towards their new sorostitute houses. Nothing is funnier than seeing a baby pledge bawling on the way to her new house as a frat star pelts her in her horse face with a water balloon.
Bid Day is also a great reason to day drink with your besties and climb trees while wearing catsuits all in the name of sorority pride.
Fall break: Everyone who's anyone (AKA the Thursday night Homebar crowd) will be in Vegas for Fall Break, and every bestie group will have their own table at XS at least one night.
Mardi Gras: A Southern betch loves beads and scoping out new help for her granddaddy's cotton farm in Alabama.
Homecoming: Is the result of SMU's sexually repressed community dying to see fraternity guys dress in costume, proving that southern republicans are secretly raging homosexuals. With themes like Broadway musicals and Disney movies, there really is no other explanation: Homecoming = shady gay pride parade.
Music Festivals: SMU betches love dressing up in neon and bringing their BFF molly out for the night. House music runs the SMU bubble of betches and douchebags. (Obvi the George Dubstep Bush Library would be at SMU. Laura raved at SMU in her heyday.)
Spring Break
A betch can be found in Cabo, Acapulco, The Bahamas, or Costa Rica.
Study Abroad
Most people don't go abroad (nothing says Southern white people like an inability to see the value in any country but #63 America) but those who do go to the typical places: Barcelona, Madrid, Copenhagen, Paris, London, Australia. A lot of SMU betches do summer in Taos where you get credit for classes like rock climbing, probs even birdwatching or some other bullshit, but basically everyone just sits around campfires and shotguns beers for a month.
Where to live
Freshmen year - McElvaney or Boaz. You don't want to get stuck in the multi-cultural dorm Morrison-McGinnis or worse, Mary Hay or Peyton and live with the Meadows students Drama freaks.
Sophomore year - guys live in frat houses, girls live in brothels. Live on Normandy, Rosedale, Rankin, Milton or in Uptown.
Junior and Senior years — girls live in their sorority houses and guys move off campus to locations mentioned above.
Food
If she eats at all, it's at Central Market or Eatzi's for the free samples.
Froyo is a betchy staple. Take your pick from PinkBerry, Yumilicious, Menchie's and I Heart Yogurt.
Brunch at Nick and Sam's Grill, Penne Pomodoro, or Bread Winners.
There is so much tex-mex food it's dangerous. Dallas betches can’t get enough queso. Mi Cocina is a betch’s fave Mexican restaurant. An episode of Khloe and Lamar was shot there (Kim wouldn’t eat the tortilla chips). Their Mambo Taxis are a lethal mix of margaritas and sangria.
Javier’s for your pro bf to take you for gourmet Mexican.
Gloria’s and Blue Goose are also fave Mexican restaurants for betches where it's socially acceptable to get sloppy. Dinners before formals, pledge class dinners, and birthday parties are big at Glo’s and Blue Goose for betches. “Blue Goose, get loose”
Most cultural thing you'll experience
Sake bombing at Kyoto, Asians in Fondren, skinny margaritas at Banditos, or practicing for your Spanish test with the Mexican women who cleans your sorority house.
Before You Graduate You Should
Hook up on the lawn in front of Dallas Hall without getting caught by SMU PD
Be spotted on SMU Style as most stylish on campus. BONUS: be really original and start your own fashion blog.
Drawbacks
Park n Pony, Mexicans, the high ugly guy to gorgeous girl ratio forcing betches to date guys for their personalites, and povo professors
SMU is awesome but what the hell is up with all of the southern school. Come on betches.
Posted on — ReplyHell fucking yes. Didn’t go to SMU as Dallas is my hometown, but you can bet all your NorthPark gold that I spent my prime betch-in-training years being guided along the path to betchdom by some Kappas who were all too ready to take me under their wing. I learned so much from them and truly owe it to those betches for allowing me to show up to my own four years of college more than prepared.
Needless to say, this post definitely confirms that we need a Betches Love This City: Dallas post soon. I mean, it’s been pretty clear since the eighties when Pam Ewing was queen betch of TV (I honestly believe our fav vamp betch Pam is named after her).
Posted on — ReplyDo Indiana university next!
Posted on — ReplyLOVE LOVE LOVE!! YAY I have been waiting for this.
Posted on — ReplyWe don’t tailgate, we Boulevard. Get it right.
Posted on — ReplyDAMN RIGHT!!! #SMUAlum
Posted on — ReplyRidiculous - yes we do boulevard and the sororities are a little different than described above but all in all, ok. It was seriously the best 4 years of my life but as much as y’all think SMU is a school filled with people who like to “experiment” with certain things, that is totally not the case. If you want it, I’m sure its there - but if you don’t, you are fine. Go to an SEC school and go to the “southern” frats and then you won’t be talking smack about SMU and its drug problems. trust me.
Posted on — Replywhat’s a tailgate?
Posted on — ReplySMU could not be a more perfect school for this. Well done
Posted on — ReplyFuck all these wannabe WASPy schools where rich trashy white people can pretend their smart because they go to a college they just paid their ways into. Give us a betches love IVY League - a betch’s guide to the ancient eight POR FAVOR!!!
Posted on — Replythey’re. get it right ivy.
Posted on — ReplyThey’re is a contraction for they are. According to your correction she’d be saying “college they just paid they are ways into.” Ivy is right. Your are wrong. I go to SMU and I wish I could say I’m surprised by your egregious mistake… but unfortunately I’m not.
And just in case you were thinking of correcting me it is your not you’re.
Posted on — Replyactually, the correction was referring to the first “their”....as in it should read “can pretend THEY’RE smart.”
Posted on — ReplyUh, wow….I think you focused on the wrong “their” in Ivy’s sentence.
Posted on — Replylolol, obviously “wow…” wasn’t sharp enough to catch the real mistake. using words like “egregious” to sound smart… so silly
Posted on — Reply“they just paid their ways into”? dont think so. looks like the ivy league isn’t working all that well for you…sad.
Posted on — Reply“where rich trashy white people can pretend their smart ” should say “where rich trashy white people can pretend they’re smart”.....tsk tsk
Posted on — ReplyI don’t think IVY could handle SMU
#GDIIVYjealousy
Posted on — ReplyA poor person obviously wrote this.
Posted on — Replyyes, agreed.
Posted on — ReplyLOVE. You nailed this! thank you thank you! We’re proud of every part of this
Posted on — ReplyRegina, hahahaha you’re exactly right.
Posted on — ReplyI went to SMU. We’re not snobs, we’re just better than you. Deal with it sluts.
USC needs to be next….cannot wait to hear the smack down on dg, theta, and kapppppa. hah
Posted on — ReplyThat’s alright! That’s OK! You’re going to work for us, one day!
Posted on — ReplyMore Cocaine than Sigmund Freud too.
Posted on — ReplyWent to SMU my freshman year and now I’m transferring universities this fall because of pretty much everything listed in this article. SPOT FUCKING ON
Posted on — ReplyWhat you mean is: “I didn’t get into a decent sorority and want to try again at a different school.”
Posted on — ReplyWhat I mean is, I’m going to a school that targets more than just one demographic
Posted on — ReplyAnd now I’m regretting my decision in schools… This is the opposite of me… I’ve never been more afraid in my life.
Posted on — Replyfortunately not everyone is as concerned with greek life as you assume. the greek life at SMU is absolutely revolting, and good for her for not wanting to be a airheaded barbie doll replica like all the other sorority girls at SMU
Posted on — ReplyTotally correct. A school for people that didn’t get into USC or Vandy. Wanna-be southerns and transplants in a snobby, small and dirty city. School’s rankings are deplorable for where they’d like to be. Greek is taken way too seriously to the point of not being fun anymore and both guys and girls stress way too much over rush and “house rankings”. Also, the whole “pretty people” stereotype is the furthest from true. Pike, Kappa and Theta might be the only attractive houses on campus (and maybe half of the members in those houses are attractive anyways). Overall, a C+/B- school that might get you an decent job if you’re out of Cox (would be better if it was a MBA). Reputation in the city sucks, everyone thinks you’re a snob with a silver spoon. All the uptown yuppies will have come form better schools with more normal people and more enjoyable personalities. If you wanted good, normal greek at a great school, you should have gone to UT Austin (but if you’re out of state at SMU, you probably didn’t get into UT). Total backup school, through and through.
Posted on — Replyyou must’ve gone to TCU…
Posted on — ReplyPlease, everyone knows the only thing worse than SMU is TCU. Texas private schools, what a joke.
Posted on — Replytalk about trying to hard! This website is supposed to be funny, maybe you should stop reading it if it is going to upset you so much
Posted on — Reply“Snobby, small and dirty city” !!! Oh HECK no! And as for the part about USC or Vandy? Ew…never. Not even on TX betch’s radar. It’s SMU, UT Austin (or OU depending on legacy), Rice if you’re Asian (that’s literally not even racist, it’s just a really Asian school) maybe even A&M or Tech, but by that point we’re more likely to just go out of state. I’d definitely go UT (which I did get into) over SMU had I not gone out of state, but don’t dis my city betch. Dallas is the shit!
Posted on — ReplyIt’s PI PHI, Theta and Kappa….Pike is a fraternity, Pi Kappa Alpha. Just to set the record straight
Posted on — ReplyOMG I transferred too…. and i didn’t go through rush there cause i had already applied for transfer sooo no. but this is so right!! i mean good for the people who like it… but i want more out of life than being a wife.. just something personal.
You’ll love your new school, I do!
Posted on — ReplyVery Southern which goes with pledging Chi-O plus a brand new large house in the works. Do your homework, nobody there would use the word tailgating only Boulevard.
Posted on — ReplyYou’re clearly a Chi-O who is bitter about not being in a top house :( it’s ok, everything is going to be alright.
Posted on — ReplyIt’s clearly okay,we have a great group of girls and don’t need to be betches all time.
Posted on — Reply“Stop trying to make Chi-O happen! It’s not going to happen!”
Posted on — ReplyAGREED. Who cares about your house and how big it is—that’s like saying Lambda Chi was all of a sudden become a BA frat because they got a kick ass house (and only because SMU bought their property and owned their house) - nonetheless, it’s all about the people in the house, not how big or new the house is—- even though it is Dallas. Pathetic.
Posted on — ReplyBetches need to do Boston College
Posted on — ReplyI know, right?
Posted on — Replydisturbingly accurate. great 4 years that i will never allow my children to experience…. it was even thrustier when the Elephant was in its prime
Posted on — ReplyDYING OVER HERE. EVERYTHING IS 100% TRUE. LOVE MY SMU.
Posted on — ReplyThat yellow lambo belongs to non-white non-wasp, middle eastern girl.
Posted on — Replyshe is a middle eastern legit Princess….
Posted on — Replyhttp://www.betcheslovethis.com/article/betches-love-this-college-southern-methodist-university
Posted on — Replywas it really necessary to link to the page we’re already on??
Posted on — ReplyI’m a GDI and I want to say that though I never get pussy, I still like looking at the hot chicks, so it’s ok.
Posted on — Replythey are damn hot aren’t they? be aggressive dude, you only go through college once. Go for it!
There are plenty of cool people at SMU, this is the small % - seek them out, I had a great time.
Posted on — ReplyOMG totally perfect. OBSESSED with my time there. Fucking great bitches, bros, and obvio tex mex. love the falls… everyone knows that an SMU betch has to be tan year round. Homecoming 2012 betches!
Posted on — ReplyAlabama
Posted on — Reply#PonyUP I love my alma mater, but BELIEVE ME whoever did this blog was ON POINT with their SHIT LOL I would add Blue Mesa Grill to a happy hour/brunch place, but other than that this was FAIRLY ACCURATE. If I could do it all over again, I’d STILL go to SMU!
Posted on — ReplyLoved the classes but hated the people, which can make or break a person’s college experience. Suffice it to say that I will be not be looking back on my decision to leave.
Posted on — Replyspot on good chum. smu sucks major ballsack
Posted on — Replyif you’re not a kappa theta pi phi or sae phi delt fiji pike you don’t really go to this school end of story
Posted on — ReplyI call bullshit. Go self rank yourself somewhere else.
Posted on — ReplyEw. Enough of this Southern shit. Republicans are trashy. And betches don’t love trash.
Posted on — ReplyLove, an East Coast, Ivy Betch.
If you’re going to generalize the entire south/Republicans as trashy you just look ignorant. Everyone needs to stop being so clueless about this. Love, a fellow East Coast, Ivy Betch.
Posted on — ReplyBut really. “Republicans are trashy”? Hunny, DEMOCRATS are trashy. Are republicans on welfare? No. Stop giving your ignorant opinion. No one cares. Keep it up north, bitch.
Posted on — Replyhahahahahhaahah. too true. Democrats are the definition of fucking povo. So how dare you call republicans trashy like are you fucking mentally ill? Sorry that your probably a feminist loving bleeding heart liberal who believes that we should live in a socialist shit hole where money is given out like candy. Sorry that my dads taxes shouldn’t have to support poor and ignorant bums most likely like yourself.
Posted on — ReplyMonday it’s monday night football, then tuesday booze-day, and then it’s the weekend. Ivy league schools party like shit
Posted on — ReplyHow do you call an SMU GRAD???
Posted on — ReplyBOSS
Southern Millioniare’s University, not Southern Methodist Millionaire’s University. Getter’ right. It ain’t no USC where betches need to change out of their high heels to running shoes to make it back to the Sorority without getting shot!
Posted on — ReplyThis could not be more (unfortunately) accurate. Nailed it! The only addendum I would add is to mention the wanna be greeks and their desperate attempt to prove themselves on sites like “juicy campus”, “college cab”, or “campus gossip”. There are 2 types of people that go to SMU: people who searched their name amongst the archives of the previously mentioned websites and fucking liars.
Posted on — ReplyTailgate? Poor people tailgate…. we Boulevard.
Posted on — ReplyOMG! Uptown+tequila+froyo+Eatzis! I love it <3 Good job betches! Been a Dallas betch my whole life and I think you got this one down packed!
Posted on — ReplyLove this! Texas schools are super betchy… you should definitely write an article about TCU too.
Posted on — Replybut TCU is poor.
Posted on — ReplyThose little frogs are so cute, it’s like they think they’re people!
Posted on — ReplyI went to SMU, and have been surrounded by hot girls for the past 20 years, really, and SMU girls are awesome, sweet, philanthropic darlings.
So suck on that.
Posted on — ReplyI went to SMU and EVERYTHING they say is spot on, even if it includes me, and well, it doesn’t. I will say that I do know the difference between their, there and they’re.
Posted on — ReplyDear SMU, After countless nights at Jack’s, Homebar, and the Green Elephant, I got my sorority letters & MRS. degree. After my wedding we had a brief stop along the way at HARVARD where my hubby got his masters, and in a matter of years we will be part of the 1%. I can’t thank you enough.
Posted on — ReplyRIP Jacks. Pledgeship was the best and worst semester.
Posted on — ReplyDrawbacks: Mexicans…haha thats unfortuante…
Posted on — ReplyDO UNION
Posted on — Replycouldnt be more accurate
Posted on — ReplyI am really enjoying the reinforcement of conservative wealthy stereotypes from current and former students comments. Nothing says college education more, than spewing ignorance.
Posted on — ReplyCheck your grammar….. I thought people learned how to use commas in middle school
Posted on — Replyusc. definitely betchy and deserving of a full-on blog post.
Posted on — ReplyVegas? Puh-lease. Tres déclassé.
As former SMU President James Zumberge said, “there is nothing inherently wrong with coming from a family of means”.
However entertainers Bowley and Wilson (SMU alums) were observant with their infamous ditty, “You’ll Never Get Your Wish from an SMU Sorority Betch”
Posted on — Replytcu is better
Posted on — ReplyI was a phi delt back in the day. We went to SMU to get fucked up and break shit. Betches just came with the territory.
Posted on — Replyit’s a cesspool of mother fuckers
Posted on — ReplyHow have you not done UVA yet? We are the queens of betches everywhere.
Posted on — ReplyWe all know California is by far the betchiest state. PLEASE DO USC!
Posted on — ReplyHow do you get into the top houses?
Posted on — ReplyI’m sorry but this speaks to the HORRIBLE education you’re getting.. regardless of the main points this is horribly written… I’m surprised they let it on their site.
Posted on — ReplyThat is hilarious but cant actually be true. What about the other sororities… AXO? DG? CHI O? I heard the AXOs and DGs have gotten pretty fun these past couple of years
Posted on — ReplyEveryone in Dallas (or everywhere?) knows that SMU’s colors are blue and red. That picture you have up there must be from some rando high school or fucking weird college. But other than that loved this!
Posted on — ReplyPlease do one for texas a&m!!!
Posted on — ReplyIs it hard to get into the top four fraternities?
Posted on — ReplyTo put it simply, yes. You pretty much need to be friends with upperclassmen that are in the fraternities or have friends that have connections. Some may tell you it was easy for them to get a bid from these fraternities, but the sad fact is that is not true for the majority of us. And even if you know upperclassmen in these fraternities, they won’t rush you unless you have that certain amount of “frattiness” that is required to be a pike, sae, fiji, or phi delt. That being said, there are plenty of other fraternities not in the “top four” that have plenty of fun and great guys as well.
Posted on — Replywhat is a contraction?..
Posted on — ReplyTEXAS should be next!
Posted on — ReplyDo TCU it’s the better version of SMU
Posted on — ReplyUT Austin should be next! Awesome city, great greek life, and you can get a degree that actually means something to the rest of the world instead of just your MRS
Posted on — ReplyTCU is SO much better!!
Posted on — Replyjust decided to go to SMU!!! Not sure what I’m getting myself into lol, but I’m sure it’ll be a great four years! PONY UP BETCHES.
Posted on — ReplyDo TCU next! So many rich betches go there and it WAY more popular these days.
Posted on — ReplyYou betches are too much. Someone in marketing told you to put the most goyishe school you could think of on the list, so that your audience wouldn’t think you just obsessed about Jew Schools. How else would you come up with SMU?
Speaking of Jew Schools… you missed Emory and Wash U - those still have big congregations of Jericho and Scarsdale High School graduates and unlike the 3 Midwest Big 10 Schools and Maryland, they’re private.
Posted on — ReplyIt was pretty liberating turning down UT Business and W&L for an Econ major to go to SMU. Austin is just too…prole.
Posted on — Reply