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By The Betches on

As we all know, the vagina is disgusting. The way it looks, the way it sounds, pretty much everything other than its ability to orgasm in the presence of the penis attached to your douchebag of the moment. We do what we can to right this anatomical wrong: we groom accordingly, wear the most flattering three inches of fabric money can buy, and we try to forget that the only thing more disgusting than an actual vagina is the nickname used to describe it. There is a certain word whose mere utterance makes us shudder (in the bad way) and sends a shiver up our protruding spines.

It’s not even difficult to pinpoint what makes it so hideous. The thought of Sean Connery's octopusshhay, the inevitable image of the word coming from the mouth of a middle American extreme couponer,  and the obvious link from cat to fish. [Vom break.]

This verbal atrocity has found sneaky ways to torture us by working its way into many innocent phrases and contexts. Like a little nicegirl talking about her "pussy cat." Or your environmental studies professor discussing the origin of the "pussy willow." Fucking woof. 

If you’re a bro reading this, note that a betch will never be turned on by your use of this word. No matter how complimentary, it will always come off as creepy at best, and rapey at worst. Actually, we just totally #129 made that up, it will ALWAYS come off as rapey...legitimate, forcible, our-ears-need-a-rape-kit rape. Even if you aretelling a betch she has “the nicest pussy everrr," just know that we want to hear this like we want to hear we're at an average BMI. 

[Side: The other thing that fucking sucks about this word is that similar to 'cunt,' there's no male equivalent. Bros are proud to refer to their penises as cocks or dicks. These nicknames are just yet another way for them to overcompensate for their 3.5 inch extension of manhood.]

The only occasion when this word is ever okay is while coaxing someone who's being a little bitch into doing something, or in reference to a guy who is pussy-whipped. But even then, the word doesn't garner gentle, feminine associations. That is, unless you're calling your boyfriend one for refusing to beat the shit out of the 300 pound douchebag who called you a cunt for stealing his cab.

So, to the female genitalia of the world, we’d like to extend a public apology to you, on behalf of the mid-century douchebag who probably deemed you worthy of this word. Betches, no matter the situation, it's never okay to use this word casually. Consistently drop the P bomb and you'll find that yours will be the only friend who will chill with you at parties.

24 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. DannyDeVito says:

    Can I say twat? It’s my favorite word. Fuck it, I don’t care what you say. Twat’s still my word. Other that that I agree with everything said blah blah.

    Posted on Reply
    • umm says:

      ew..?

      Posted on Reply
  2. OR says:

    Nickname it something cute like me. Mine is called the kitten. Kittens are adorable, while my vag probably isn’t it doesn’t really matter because literally ANYTHING you can then say about your vag isn’t as bad with the additional plus no one unimportant knows what you’re talking about. When your man asks if he can “pet the kitten” it is actually foreplay instead of insulting. Either way you win: cute name, exclusivity and your moment isn’t killed. So simple.

    Posted on Reply
    • DOG says:

      ummmmm WHATTTTTTTTT??????

      Posted on Reply
  3. RealBetch says:

    First, no true betch hates her body like that.

    That aside, I agree that some words are just not betchy.

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      agreed, was a little disturbed by the blatant puritanism in the first sentence, like gross.  do you really want to justify all the small-dicked short loser men who already hate vaginas?  i like my vagina and all the alpha men who are lucky enough to encounter it do too. 

      other than that, yesss, spot on: the word pussy, ugh just ughhhh.

      Posted on Reply
    • realbetchpreach says:

      I am glad I was not the only one so horrified by self hate.

      Preach on girl !

      Posted on Reply
  4. LOVEYOURBODY says:

    It was hard to read past your first sentence. You wrote on article based on your understanding and relationship with your vagina. Not all women find their vagina disgusting. I for one, find everything about it AND it’s ability to orgasm as the most fucking brilliant thing on this earth. We control ~~~~everything~~~~~. The birth of all man depends on women ! That is betch control authoritarianism. Love it. But on a more serious note, I urge you to have a more positive body image. Learn to love your vagina. It is unique to you and to each woman. WOMAN. Love your body and then you can respect it.
    It is an entity of its own capable of the most mystical thing on earth: creating life.

    So before you write an article that disrespects a woman’s body think more thoroughly about what exactly you are trying to say, betch.

    Maybe your next article (god forbid you write another) should be on the harmful and disturbing effects of labia-plasty.

    Posted on Reply
    • jokes says:

      You need to laugh more. Like seriously.

      Posted on Reply
    • Stop says:

      You sound like an unshaved lesbian feminist.

      Posted on Reply
      • Que? says:

        I’m pretty sure the last person to describe dislike for how a vagina looks is a lesbian feminist.

        Posted on Reply
    • get a life says:

      uhm learn to take a joke much? clearly someone has their panties in a wad. either way, the word is gross.

      Posted on Reply
  5. LOVEYOURBODY says:

    After reading your article, the irony of you labeling the word pussy as inappropriate but calling your own vagina disgusting is… quite sad.

    Posted on Reply
  6. agreed says:

    Agreed, the first sentence was really negative, yes this website is satire but i don’t think perpetuating the idea that vaginas are “disgusting” is cool….

    Posted on Reply
  7. WELL says:

    guess we know what your pussies look like…

    Posted on Reply
  8. You missed something. says:

    Now lets step back and think about this for a minute. Do you really think we could avoid work and have money handed to us left and right if we were dudes?! If you really think your muff is only useful for orgasm, then you haven’t really put enough thought into the power that it brings. Sure, they look freaky to us, but dudes pay billions of dollars to the porn industry every year to look at them, so they can’t be that abhorrent to the interested parties. I have literally skated through life and had a blast the whole time, simply because I am not a dude. Ugly chicks don’t have that, fat chicks don’t have that, poor chicks can get that if they’re smart enough and then not be poor anymore.

    The Trojan war was all about a hot chicks thing. The conflict in the Middle East is all due to the fact that those dudes are afraid of a chicks power through their thing.

    Any betch worth her weight in salt realizes that her true best friend is her muff, or at least the promise of it.

    Posted on Reply
    • Please says:

      Stop saying muff…ew

      Posted on Reply
  9. One more thing... says:

    There’s really no better sport than calling a manipulative nice girl, or an abhorrent slacker-douche a cunt and watching them lose their cool. .

    Posted on Reply
  10. Bro says:

    not entirely sure why i just read that, as a guy. but…if you don’t think there’s a such thing as a pretty vagina i feel bad for you and yours.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Dollface says:

    Worst article ever.

    Posted on Reply
  12. BrittanyBetch says:

    Not only do I love mine, but I love the word! Thumbs down to this article, betches!

    Posted on Reply
  13. ^^^What? Chill..... says:

    No…vaginas are weird looking and I will never understand what guys see in them, I meaann, obviously they’re attracted to their purpose, but appearance? Ew. I shave. I wear pretty underwear. I try my best. Don’t hate on the betches for not being as vag-loving as the rest of you. Also, I’ve grown less weirded by the word vagina, it’s really not that bad, breasts however…God, no, boobs. Usually I say vag or cooch though.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Pussy_Kat says:

    Honestly, I don’t mind the word pussy at all while referring to a vagina. I find it kind of cute. I prefer vag or vajayjay, but pussy’s alright. Also, vaginas are not disgusting…and penises aren’t the only thing which can make one orgasm, if at all. Ladies should love their vags, and their men should worship them! Meow. Pussy.

    Posted on Reply
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