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By The Betches on

For our second installment of anti-vocabulary lessons, the word vomit du jour is a seven letter abomination that perfectly packages a nauseating dose of matronly nicegirlness into one word: PANTIES.

This word is commonly uttered by librarians, dementia patients, and pedophiles alike. It conjures images of frills, elastic banding, and menses. 1923 called, they want their erotica back. The creature who dons panties also frequently tries to pull off a monocle...most likely sleeps under a monogrammed duvet...possibly wears a family heirloom from a great-great-grandmother that she often wore to go see the talkies in her Hooverville. Vintage!

Regardless of how small your vocabulary, there are a multitude of synonyms for this disgusting turn of phrase. Underwear. G-String. Lingerie. Bloomers for fuck sake. Kidding.

Speaking of bloomers and other ancient things, the term 'granny panties' is even worse. Granny panties is like the rat king of vomitacious phrasing. It is the equivalent of putting the word moist before cunt. I mean, granny and panties don't even fucking rhyme so I have no idea why people would use them to describe what one would wear when their housekeeper didn't do their laundry yet. 

Recall Miss Rhode Island's answer to the pageant question "have you ever committed a crime?" Once I stole a pair of red underwear from the department store. My mother wouldn't buy them for me--she said they were Satan's panties! Oh Cheryl, aside from the times you ate pizza and beer and didn't report your rapist, your only real crime was the last word of that statement.

Finally, if an actual male ever asks you to undress using the P-word, fucking run. The only thing he'll be bringing you in the morning is a box set of Leave it To Beaver... irony intended.


30 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. em says:

    i think panties is a sexy word and i think underwear is a disgusting word… and g-string sounds like you’re from the fucking hood. but okay.

    Posted on Reply
    • ew says:

      um who are you?

      Posted on Reply
    • lol says:

      oh allie… you’re going by another name now I see. Dont worry you havent fooled any of us.

      Posted on Reply
  2. cool says:

    oh cool—you listen to AM RADIO and stole their segment from this morning. ORIG

    Posted on Reply
  3. SeanPOW says:

    All the women i know love the word panties….it’s cute!  By the way what the fuck should men call women’s underwear then? I mean us men have synonyms as well like boxers, briefs, tighty whiteys, banana hammocks, grape smugglers lol you name it.  Fact is, yes you should put down 50 shades and stop being so damn critical, REMEMBER opinions are like assholes everyone has one and they all stink!

    Posted on Reply
    • Ewww says:

      Okay, you’re just freaky and gross. Go away panty sniffer.

      Posted on Reply
    • Heartless says:

      Excellent comment. it’s really fucked up when women are bitching about the word panties. Especially if they say it’s gross or call you a panty sniffer lol. Soo if panties is gross how about we call them Cooter cover’s,or Hoochie hiders LMFAO!!!! Compared to those panties sounds pretty damn sexy don’t it lol…

      Posted on Reply
  4. Catie says:

    SPOT ON. Please start writing more posts on uncomfortable vocab!

    Posted on Reply
  5. Nic says:

    Could we settle on using La Perla as a generic term for said garment mentioned above.. . ‘Did my la perla’s end up in the sheets somewhere…’

    Posted on Reply
  6. Commandhoe says:

    Betches don’t care about the opinions of peasants, or those who use the word “panties”.

    Posted on Reply
    • hay says:

      ^^literally died at this comment. props

      Posted on Reply
    • Fellow Betch says:

      HA!  I like you commandhoe, your a true batch.

      And anyone who says they like the word panties must be about 100 years old.  BARF

      Posted on Reply
  7. YES. says:

    this is so true i HATE this word and don’t know why anyone would use it! spot on! and Nic love the la perla idea…

    Posted on Reply
  8. Eurg says:

    I dont like the word… but there is no good alternative.
    Underwear, overly generic, long and unsexy to say
    G-String, refers to a specific type
    Lingerie, refers to an outfit, not a specific part of it
    Bloomers, also refers to a specific type, just look it up.

    la perla sounds dumb, sorry. I strongly doubt it catching.

    Posted on Reply
  9. uhh.. says:

    I dont understand why guys have to call it anything. If hes taking off your underwear/panties why would he have to announce it?? If its that much of an issue just wear a thong…its guys favorite type of underwear/pantie anywayyy…

    Posted on Reply
  10. do pampered next says:

    i have gone to great lengths to avoid saying this word my whole life. spot on betches.

    Posted on Reply
  11. meow says:


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  12. Unmentionables says:

    I have always liked ‘lingerie’, and so does Barneys…

    Posted on Reply
  13. ccc says:

    when you say it in a british accent….

    Posted on Reply
  14. obvs says:


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  15. oh my says:

    Panties is what dirty old men call them - especialy bc this is what young toddlers might call their underwear.  Yuck

    Posted on Reply
  16. WTF!!! says:

    WOW!!! It’s pretty GD sad when u can’t say a word u have heard for years because some prissy ass people say it’s freaky or gross, or consider you a old pervert or pedophile. i mean come on what should we call them then UNDIES!! LOL say what u want but i think panties is alot better sounding than g-string,thong or underwear,that’s old and creepy to me lol Or how about Underroo’s that’s what my 5yr old daughter call’s em lol

    Posted on Reply
  17. Fuckface9000 says:

    Anybody who has a problem with the work panties needs to get a life. Probably needs to get laid too. The only people I can see who have a problem with it are aspies and feminist.

    Posted on Reply
  18. Yuck says:

    Who in the hell still calls underwear panties? Fuckin yuck. Sounds like a molester or a creepy fuck would use that.

    Posted on Reply
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