Betches and Height: Reach for the Penthouse

So you're at a bar with your friends when you see some hot bros sitting at a table nearby. They signal to the bartender to buy your friends a round of shots, so you go over to thank them. You sit with them for a little and hit it off with a pro who has just the right amount of sarcastic insults and New York real estate that he's starting to seem like a great catch.

You're already counting this guy's winning qualities on two hands when he gets up to go to the bathroom. At this point you're pretty much wasted, but wait, drunk enough to be seeing things? This guy is well under 6 feet. You do a double take. Yup, just spent a half hour cozying up to skinny Keebler Elf.

Your buzz is killed and now all you're thinking about is how to make a quick escape before Mini Me returns.

While this situation sucks, it's like whatever, it happens. As a hot betch it's inevitable that bros of all shapes, sizes, and game will be interested in you. It's something every betch has to get used to, like screening texts from the Dud or people hating you because you're pretty.

"I may be small but I have a big penis"

Now, every betch has a list of traits she's looking for in a bro. On this list is always some sort of height requirement, which varies based on your own height and standards. Like, if you're 5'6'' and a bro is 5'9'', that means you'll be taller than him when wearing #90 heels, aka any important occasion where you may be photographed together. Remember bros, wearing lifts is Ryan Seacrest's thing.

In general though, height commands power and taller is almost always better. That is of course unless this guy is like 6'9" and not in the NBA, yes you and your besties all remember the incident of Jane and the Giant Freak.

But before we automatically disqualify every bro under 6 feet, we'll admit that there are nuances in judging guys' heights, and like Rumer Willis or Preston Federline, there are ways to overcome genetic misfortune.

The first question is: how short is too short? Let's talk about The Threshold.

The Height Threshold is basically a way of judging if a guy is too short to date, without considering any other factors about his personality. When debating a guy's merits solely based on height, you can refer to him as being above or below the threshold.

For girls who are average height, the lowest potentially acceptable height is around 5'9", assuming the guy isn't like, a scrawny nerd.

[Side Note: Asking a guy what his height is is kind of like asking a girl what her weight is. If this question is dignified with a response, you can always be sure of one thing. It's a fucking lie. Take this height and subtract one to two inches. Also, any guy who claims to be six feet is 5'11, 99.9% of the time.]

Once a bro is judged as threshold height or below, he's as dunzo as Tom from Myspace. That is, UNLESS he possesses the one redeeming loophole that will get you to vacation in Munchkin Land: Tiny Douchebag Status. TDS means that if a guy who's 5'7'' acts like a big enough asshole, he can trick everyone into thinking he's much hotter and cooler than he is. Think about the confident 5'7" bro who dicks around betches as he pleases, versus the guy who's 5'7" and offers to cook you dinner and hold your purse. We all know who's first in line to the friend zone.

"My small legs are good for clinging on to you."

A bro with TDS is kind of like a betch with slightly chubby arms and a flat stomach. She's not perfect, and her skinny arm doesn't always pull through in group pics, but if she knows how to skillfully screen texts and make bros jealous, guys will still want to fuck her instead of nicknaming her "Chunky Arms Amy." A bro below the threshold is in the same situation. Acquire the necessary case of TDS and we might even wear shorter heels for you.

Bottom line, act like a tiny nice guy and you'll find yourself wondering why the only girls who ever want to date you are Snooki and high school seniors with a fetish for Joe Pesci.

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Betches and Height: Reach for the Penthouse

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