Betches and Hair: An Abusive Relationship

Other than with a man, betches will be in a number of abusive relationships throughout their lives. Most if not all are with themselves, be it our cuticles, nailbeds, skin (see #27 tanning), livers (see binge drinking or blacking out, and #12 tailgating) or any other body part that didn't get the memo to go hard or go home. But the most rocky relationship will always be that of a betch and her hair. We’re nothing if not perfectionists, and nothing fucks up a betch's mood more than a bad hair day.

The abusive relationship with our manes follows the typical cycle of abuse, beginning, like most, during childhood. Having frizzy hair in the 4th grade was not an option but then, our only ally was the blow drier and some mediocre hair products. Jesus Mom! How do you expect me to wear butterfly clips with springs attached to the wings without pin-straight hair?!!

A bad hair day is no fucking joke

What did all the idols from betchhood (Lizzie Maguire, Xtina, Britney, Jessica Simpson) have in common, aside from being exploited by their parents? Pin straight hair. This only became attainable to us as tweens with the invention of the flat iron. If you’re a betch, you most definitely had the Sapphire because it was the most expensive. The only price (aside from the actual price) was dealing with the constant stench of burnt hair and losing most of it by age 20. But who cared, straight non-frizzy hair looked great with our Prada backpacks and Juicy jumpsuits.

As we grew older and our social lives blossomed the abuse became more rampant. If you sported curly hair your only real friend besides that bottle of LA Looks gel was probably your mom...if you were lucky.

Now that we’ve laid down the foundation for abuse, it's time to explore the cycle.

Phase 1: Tension Builds

As with ~~ice cream~~ iced coffee, every betch has her flavor. The same applies to hair, meaning you can wear it any length, color or style you want, just don't look like Rumer fucking Willis.

Tension between a betch and her hair starts to form as soon as her hair starts to fall below her ~~unrealistic~~ extremely realistic expectations. Sometimes it's a weather problem, like when it gets frizzy in humidity. I know it’s raining but does my hair have to, like, get wet? Other times the problem is that your last color/straightening treatment has started to fade or grow out...which we think is extremely rude. It’s nobody else’s business but yours and your hairstylist that your natural hair is closer to Blair’s than Serena’s and your texture more akin to Nick Nolte’s than Khloe Kardashian’s. What’s a betch to do? Go Russell Armstrong on that betch.

Phase 2: The Incident

Unlike other kinds of abuse, it does not necessarily take one incident to really fuck up your hair. (Unless you did the Japanese straightening in 8th grade, that shit cray but we know many a betch who sold her soul to have the locks of Mulan with the complexion of Snow White.) But most betches abuse their hair frequently over a long period of time before it begins to show. Abuse can take the form of a flat/curling iron, chemical treatment, or hair coloring.You know you’re fucked when there’s more hair in your drain than on your head.

This phase of abuse is usually accompanied by confrontation from your ~~loved ones~~ hair stylist. You know it's coming when she gives you the side eye and asks you how many times a week you iron your hair. Suddenly you start to feel anxious and sweaty...like when your gynecologist asks if you're sexually active. You say “only once a week” but the betch knows your lying. Our admission of ironing usually corresponds to our admission of sexual partners: approximately 1/3. You add further insult to injury when you tell her you always use product to protect your hair from heat damage. Oh great, you're starting to sound like a Lifetime character who claims her eye knocks into doorknobs every other week.

Phase 3: Reconciliation & Phase 4: The Calm

Despite your overt lie to your hair stylist, she decided to fix your hair while only “taking the dead ends off.” If she really wanted to 'take care of the problem' she’d shave your head circa Crazy Britney. The reconciliation usually involves the purchase of expensive Keratin deep conditioning products of whatever label your salon is whoring out. You spend the next week putting in Moroccan oil in whenever you can and avoiding hair driers and irons. I mean I’m pretty enough to go au natural anyway…

Thus the end of phase three marks a road to recovery and a vow to stay on the straight path. No longer with you cheat with the crack cocaine that is your hair iron. While there's no rehab or women's shelter for abused hair, it's important to stop the cycle of beating the shit out of one of the most beautiful parts of your essence. Very few girls have Halle Berry's face and are anorexic looking enough to pull a Keira Knightley coif. Remember, it only took a semester at Brown, a field hockey team membership, and 8 inches of hair to have the world questioning Emma Watson's loyalty to heterosexuality.

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Betches and Hair: An Abusive Relationship

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