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By The Betches on

As a betch, it goes without saying that you are, as a person, in extremely high demand at all times. We lead very busy lives, and it’s often hard to divide our time between all our besties and bros who constantly want to hang out with us. We don’t blame them, if we weren’t us, hanging out with us would be our top priority too.

Fortunately, somewhere around the turn of the century, some nerd scientist invented the ultimate betch accessory that helps keep us in constant contact with anyone we could ever want to talk to. Yes, we’re talking about the Blackberry. The Blackberry is like a betch’s third fucking arm, and every betch has probably gone through at least twelve of these malfunctioning pieces of shit in her lifetime. (New pin:c83ad4g. Add me!)

Some people might wonder why we keep getting new Blackberries when they clearly suck so much. Obvious answer. BBM. If you have an iPhone or an Android, get the fuck off this website and go back to checking stock quotes on your geek machine, loser.

Same goes if you have fewer than 50 contacts… awkward.

BBM is basically the only reason why betches have Blackberries, and it’s probably one of the most addictive and psychologically manipulative tools in modern society. Honestly, the culture of BBM lends itself to idiocy. For a betch, BBM provides us with an inhibition-free zone and an incessant #1 shit-talking machine. You don’t even realize half the shit you’re sending is complete garbage until it’s too late. You know you can’t harass someone over text because it’s too slow and annoying, but you bet you can stalk the shit out of your lover boy on BBM! (PING!!! Answer me now!!! Fuck me till I can’t walk!!!)

Granted, sometimes we use BBM for important communication, but that’s usually only when you’re trying to text your Asian friend from Econ to tell her your computer suddenly crashed and you desperately need her study guide for the midterm tomorrow.

In reality, BBM is the ultimate playing field for the many games we play with bros. What kind of points can you score in the BBM game? It’s all about the Read and Delivered.

It’s one thing if you’re texting with a bro and he doesn’t respond, but it’s a whole new ball game when you’re BBM friends and he reads it and doesn’t respond. He knows that I know that he knows that I know that he read it!!! He’s fucking done.

This means he’s #32 winning right now, so now you have no choice but to screen him for at least three hours the next four times he BBMs you.

But BBM games aren’t just limited to bros, betches love to play BBM games with other betches too. Who hasn’t been in four simultaneous shady conversations, all with people sitting in the same room as you? The best part about it is that no one ever fucking notices because everyone is on their fucking phones!!!

One of the most epic innovations in the BBM game is the group BBM chat. What better way to keep a select group of betches unified and up-to-date on one another’s very important decisions, such as, should I wear heels or flats tonight? It’s also a great organizational tool, since it helps us arrange exclusive #23 pregames. And since betches thrive on exclusivity, who isn’t included in the BBM group is wayyyyy more important than who is because it determines who we can openly #1 talk shit about.

So betches, always remember that the BBM game is just as important as real life, and one BBM can fuck you over forever. When you’re trying to shadily message Lindsay across the room that Jenny’s shirt makes her look like a whale, make sure you’re not accidentally typing to Jenny. After all, she’s the BBM group admin, and the fact that she looks like an oversized mammal who never gets ass doesn’t mean she won’t delete you faster than you can say “Sry wrong BBM.”


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6 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    Heels, obviously. Unless you’re 6’2, no betch wears flats for a night out.

    Posted on Reply
  2. The Betches says:

    As much as betches love BBM, they love the iPhone too! Mainly since it came to Verizon, because betches hated being left out of something. Think of how many betches switched once it was available and HAD to be the first to have it.

    Posted on Reply
  3. The Betches says:

    iphone has whatsapp, which bb androids and nokias can have too. i like it better! and you can also send instant photos to show them betches what you are dealing with

    Posted on Reply
  4. Sparkling Betch says:

    Blackberries, aka krackberries, are the only classification of mobile telephones appropriate for a true Betch. Bbm is not replaceable with Whatsapp because the sense of exclusivity discussed in this post is lost when the world of instant read and delivered chatter is opened up to the iPhone Obsessed or Lovers of Android. So how does a Betch obtain the undeniably top technological features of those geeky gadgets while keeping our beloved Blackberries? iPad 2. It has fabulous apps, spotless browsing capabilities for when a betch is # 36 . Not doing work, aka clicking through this weekends high quality photos on Facebook. Oh, and all of our Virgo Betches birthday albums.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    too true betch! and now with imessage all the betches can talk superfast!

    Posted on Reply
  6. Over this website says:

    You write numerous posts about iPhones being the only betchy device then slam them (dgaf either way)? I get this website shouldn’t be taken seriously but the betches have lost their voice and at this point it’s not even worth my time to read. Flip flopping your opinions all the time just to write a funny article. Over it.

    Posted on Reply
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