Season 16, Episode 2: Aired 1/9/12
So last night's episode of The Bachelor was riveting as always. Annoyingly, all we really got to see was a shitty play and some boring childhood pics; it felt like we were watching show-and-tell for an adult special-ed class.
Unfortunately, Monica sobered up and forgot about her drama with Jenna as well as her
deep love for lesbian crush on Blakeley. On the other hand, and fortunately for us, Jenna remained completely fucking wasted.
However, we did get to learn a little bit more about Bachelor Ben. For example, his favorite pastimes include raving about his dead father and getting haircuts that resemble an 18th century butter churner. Ben also proved that if he were born with a vagina he would be an extraordinary sorority sister. He's superb at making rounds to comfort women crying in corners. It's as if he's the fucking rush chair saddled with dealing with the fugly girls.
In the group date, we witnessed Ben's idea of fun as having girls dress up in un-slutty weasel costumes. We now understand why he's still single. And sorry, but is this the least attractive group of kids in America or what? I mean not to be #24 insensitive but like, these kids are ugly and this play fucking sucks. You call this acting? Keep your day job, kids.Finally, Courtney and Blakeley portray classic examples of how a nice guy who's not that hot can be bewitched by a hot psychopath. It's called the "I Didn't Get Ass in Middle School" Syndrome. A guy who was always attractive would have a better eye for weeding out the pretty crazies.
Our pick for next week is Samantha, who isn't really his type, but can probably make it one more round.
Let's explore what everyone else was up to this episode.
DATE WITH KASEY B:
Hahahaha Ben why did you just roll up in a povo truck? Isn't this The Bachelor? I guess it goes with the whole "I look like I bought this outfit at Target" look Kasey B's going for on this date. No but seriously, did ABC cut back The Bach budget because the ratings were down for the first ep?
Did Kasey B steal that baton from that store? Just when we thought she was going to sodomize Ben with her plastic stick, we find out it's the next worst thing. She's going to put on an embarrassing baton twirling display in the middle of the street. OMG look Ben I'm like so spontaneous.
Ben, how personal and trusting can you be of a girl you call by the first initial of her last name.
Ben: I brought you to my hometown so I could feel closer to my dead dad… I think my dad would really like Kasey B. Uh, what?
What kind of first date is this, a montage of both of your childhoods? The last first date I went on the guy paid for my dinner and then he picked up coke, and that was a good date. The last thing I would want to watch on a date is someone else's home videos. You're BOTH crying? No, sorry. OUT.
It’s important for Ben to see me in another light today, as Dumbledore.
Why do you have one white nail?
Way to know the right thing to say to guys, Jenna. "I feel like I'm a guy" and " I'm not like a girl. " We can tell she's gonna be a great author. The only worse thing she could've said would've been "Wanna see my dick?"
Jenna STOP CRYING! PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER! FUCK we suck at this game. YOU BLEW IT!!!!
Post rose ceremony: Jenna: Are you kidding me? Really, are you kidding me? A mental breakdown? Again!? ARE YOU KIDDING US!?
DATE WITH CRAZY COURTNEY
SERIOUSLY what the fuck is going on with the fucking howling.
Courtney was def not listening to anything Ben was saying. She was just waiting until she could speak about herself aka lie about anything and everything.
Courtney: This is the best date I've ever been on. Ben: Yeah, you're right. This is the best date you've ever been on
Courtney is all about #winning. Maybe if this were February 2011 that phrase would still be relevant.
We actually said "ew" out loud when Courtney was rubbing the rose all over her face.
You think Lindzi is normal but then you remember how she said she was dumped "Welcome to Dumpsville, population you". Did u date a 7 year old?
You're a tractor girl? Dirt is your makeup? Who are you?
Sammy sash is a munchkin, She IS Lo from The Hills. "So Jugs walked in"
Are you the token 'crying in the bathroom' girl of this episode? No wait, it's Jenna again.
JENNIFER aka Martina McBride
We could hear the
echo lip smacking in the pool when Jennifer and Ben were kissing. Gross.
Ben to Blakeley: You seem super grounded. Right. As most 34 year old cocktail waitresses usually are.The psychopath of the night award goes to Blakeley. Being a Scorpio I know that by showing a guy my tits, they'll usually want to fuck me. It's called Scorpio intuition.
“Blakeley is super fakely”. She totes gave Ben a hand job in that pool for that rose.
Ben discovers Blakeley literally crying in the corner of the luggage room. Where do they find these crazies?
Where was grandma's girl this episode? It seems you can't get any screen time without your betchy grannie.