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By The Betches on

Season 16, Episode 2: Aired 1/9/12

So last night's episode of The Bachelor was riveting as always. Annoyingly, all we really got to see was a shitty play and some boring childhood pics; it felt like we were watching show-and-tell for an adult special-ed class.

Unfortunately, Monica sobered up and forgot about her drama with Jenna as well as her deep love for lesbian crush on Blakeley. On the other hand, and fortunately for us, Jenna remained completely fucking wasted.

However, we did get to learn a little bit more about Bachelor Ben. For example, his favorite pastimes include raving about his dead father and getting haircuts that resemble an 18th century butter churner. Ben also proved that if he were born with a vagina he would be an extraordinary sorority sister. He's superb at making rounds to comfort women crying in corners. It's as if he's the fucking rush chair saddled with dealing with the fugly girls.

In the group date, we witnessed Ben's idea of fun as having girls dress up in un-slutty weasel costumes. We now understand why he's still single. And sorry, but is this the least attractive group of kids in America or what? I mean not to be #24 insensitive but like, these kids are ugly and this play fucking sucks. You call this acting? Keep your day job, kids.

ben fFairy boy Ben
Finally, Courtney and Blakeley portray classic examples of how a nice guy who's not that hot can be bewitched by a hot psychopath. It's called the "I Didn't Get Ass in Middle School" Syndrome. A guy who was always attractive would have a better eye for weeding out the pretty crazies.

Our pick for next week is Samantha, who isn't really his type, but can probably make it one more round.

Let's explore what everyone else was up to this episode.


Hahahaha Ben why did you just roll up in a povo truck? Isn't this The Bachelor? I guess it goes with the whole "I look like I bought this outfit at Target" look Kasey B's going for on this date. No but seriously, did ABC cut back The Bach budget because the ratings were down for the first ep?

Did Kasey B steal that baton from that store? Just when we thought she was going to sodomize Ben with her plastic stick, we find out it's the next worst thing. She's going to put on an embarrassing baton twirling display in the middle of the street. OMG look Ben I'm like so spontaneous. 

Ben, how personal and trusting can you be of a girl you call by the first initial of her last name.

Ben: I brought you to my hometown so I could feel closer to my dead dad… I think my dad would really like Kasey B.  Uh, what?

What kind of first date is this, a montage of both of your childhoods? The last first date I went on the guy paid for my dinner and then he picked up coke, and that was a good date. The last thing I would want to watch on a date is someone else's home videos. You're BOTH crying? No, sorry. OUT.


It’s important for Ben to see me in another light today, as Dumbledore.

Why do you have one white nail?

Way to know the right thing to say to guys, Jenna. "I feel like I'm a guy" and " I'm not like a girl. " We can tell she's gonna be a great author. The only worse thing she could've said would've been "Wanna see my dick?"


Post rose ceremony: Jenna: Are you kidding me? Really, are you kidding me? A mental breakdown? Again!? ARE YOU KIDDING US!?


SERIOUSLY what the fuck is going on with the fucking howling.

Ben you went to Arizona? You don't really look like a blackout kind of guy. Then again, you do own a winery.

Courtney was def not listening to anything Ben was saying. She was just waiting until she could speak about herself aka lie about anything and everything.

Courtney: This is the best date I've ever been on. Ben: Yeah, you're right. This is the best date you've ever been on

Courtney is all about #winning. Maybe if this were February 2011 that phrase would still be relevant.

We actually said "ew" out loud when Courtney was rubbing the rose all over her face.


You think Lindzi is normal but then you remember how she said she was dumped "Welcome to Dumpsville, population you". Did u date a 7 year old?

You're a tractor girl? Dirt is your makeup? Who are you?


Sammy sash is a munchkin, She IS Lo from The Hills. "So Jugs walked in"

Are you the token 'crying in the bathroom' girl of this episode? No wait, it's Jenna again.

JENNIFER aka Martina McBride

We could hear the echo lip smacking in the pool when Jennifer and Ben were kissing. Gross.


Ben to Blakeley: You seem super grounded. Right. As most 34 year old cocktail waitresses usually are.

The psychopath of the night award goes to Blakeley. Being a Scorpio I know that by showing a guy my tits, they'll usually want to fuck me. It's called Scorpio intuition. 

“Blakeley is super fakely”. She totes gave Ben a hand job in that pool for that rose.

Ben discovers Blakeley literally crying in the corner of the luggage room. Where do they find these crazies?


Holy acne.

Where was grandma's girl this episode? It seems you can't get any screen time without your betchy grannie.

Last Week's Recap

16 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Anonymous says:

    “No but seriously, did ABC cut back The Bach budget because the ratings were down for the first ep?”

    um nooo betches use your brains, the entire season is filmed before the first episode even airs or else there wouldn’t be spoilers. duh.

    Posted on Reply
  2. Anonymous says:

    that was clearly a joke….

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    Seriously, no comments about fugly Jaclyn?

    Posted on Reply
  4. Jackie says:

    His intuition sucks so much it’s inevitable that this season is going to be very, very disappointing.

    I didn’t get ass in middle school syndrome hahah so true…I’m also getting the sense that this guy just really isn’t that bright.

    Posted on Reply
  5. UESbetch says:

    The betchiest betch there is blonde Casey. And its hifuckinglarious that Ben went to Arizona. He managed to find all the nice girls at a betchy school. Ew. Also, you betches should do a post about theme parties.

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    hahahahha i said last night that blakely looked like an alien freakazoid. mars attacks is perrrrfect

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anon says:

    Courtneys gonna win. Fucking duh

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    I’ll admit that at first I thought Jaclyn was fug but she’s hilarious and kind of has an ugly hot thing going for her which is weird…...oh and i fucking loved her rose ceremony dress

    Posted on Reply
  9. katie elizabetch says:

    hey betches, if you want to experience a whole new level of cray check out this episode of the bach on there’s commentary by our fave lunatic jenna at the bottom! pure fucking gold, this shit is HILAR. direct quote, “Rachel, my bestie! (as if, that chick fucking hates you. you ruined her first night at the bach pad with all your insane blubbering.) Wow, I look so calm and relaxed… that’s a shocker. (yeah no shit you freak). So excited to be in Sonoma!” go read the rest for yourselves!

    love ya, xoxo

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    if it was a joke, then it seriously failed.

    Posted on Reply
  11. beardown says:

    arizona is the betchiest school on the planet

    Posted on Reply
  12. susie says:

    I think Rachel on the bachelor is so cute and normal, and has really cute style. But she also avoids drama so they haven’t really shown her much. Pissed Courtney is going to win. UM HELLO VIENNA FLASHBACK??

    Posted on Reply
  13. Betches Who Run The World says:

    “It’s called the “I Didn’t Get Ass in Middle School” Syndrome.”

    ........HHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA. I have referred to this syndrome so many times. Pitifully, so common. These boys are everywhere. Scary part is, this syndrome is not apparent immediately.

    A true betch however, will diagnose it sooner than a fucking Upper East Side shrink.

    Posted on Reply
  14. It's clear that says:

    cortney is a betch. owning and manipulating everyone. not to mention she is thin and is gorgeous.

    Posted on Reply
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