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By The Betches on

The season premiere of The Bachelor turned out to be everything we hoped for and more. The premieres are always the best because you really get to know the bachelor, like last night we learned that Ben can talk about his feelings and play the piano, and he's really good at looking soulfully into bodies of water. #broodingben

We also love the fireside chats with Chris B. Harrison where he stirs shit up in order to bring about groundbreaking revelations from Ben's inner psyche, like how when he was rejected last season he felt sad, angry, and rejected. Seriously Chris B. Harrison has been killing it for even longer than our fav Bravo Andy.

Then we had the girls' intros where they got dolled up in their finest Celine Dion costumes to meet Bachelor Ben. Clearly the producers encouraged everyone to bring their fav props - hat, sash, grandma, horse. We're instituting a new rule: you bring a prop, you're a tool. But we will admit that the props make for great intros because you know they've been pondering this moment for like, ever, and whatever they come up with is the absolute best they could do. They probably even ran it by other people, which is also telling of how psychotic their friends and family are.

Our pick for the Bach Elimination League is Jenna, meaning we think she'll make it past next week but not necessarily further. And with that we'll get to ripping the contestants apart, the real reason you read our recaps.

ben bachelorI'm praying I can stay here long enough to hook up with as many girls as poss

 

Lindzi: This first impression rose winner opened her interview with an eloquent "horses are kind of my zen, horse back riding is so equivalent to dating, both involve....riding." Then she entered on an actual horse and all we could think was, wow, grandma girl just got massively upstaged. But in actuality Lindzi kind of fucked herself over with that horse because all the other girls immediately hated her. You know how they say the fastest way for a group of betches to bond is to give them a common enemy... congrats Lindz, you are that enemy. And your crazy eyes and the way you spell your name don't help.

Courtney: You look manipulative, you're hysterical. You have the best quotes and you're def a psycho, a Michelle Money for sure. For instance:

"Ben and I had the best one on one"... you talked about yourself the whole time.

Courtney: "I'm a model" Ben: "Ok. I'll see you inside"

"You really hit me really deep with what you said last season, you know when you said, 'I'm available'...it really touched me because like, I'm at this point in my life where, I'm a model."

"Wedding rings look pretty amazing on me, I'm totally worth 2 karats, I deserve it" - Yeah, you and your world changing modeling career where you're constantly saving lives. Next to the sister-mom from the trailer park, you don't just want 2 karats, you need 2 karats, you DESERVE 2 karats.

"The girls here are like, really weird. I'm just going to sit back and watch them shoot themselves in the foot" - Well played Court-tort

Lyndsie: Are you a real person? In all the countries you traveled to no one ever suggested you need a nose job?

Erika: The law student pick up line. How do you even have time for this show? Don't you have torts to study?

Jennifer: The accountant, ugh. We hate the women who identify themselves by their career, that's disgusting, stop doing work. Also, you tried on 54 dresses? Wtf are you Katherine Heigl on crack? Nope, Martina McBride with a lazy eye. Nope... Erin Brockovich. "250: that's the number of sequins on my dress and also the number of guys I've slept with."

ben bachelor"I thought you might like your women like you like your wine, old as fuck."

Amber B: The Baconator??? We miss you already.

 

One of the Ambers: You're outie but your introductory clip really shows how ABC exemplifies the girls' complex emotions. Showing Amber watching last season's Bachelor: Ben oiling up Ashley, Amber smiles, Ben getting rejected, Amber frowns.

Anna: The girl who walked by Ben and didn't say anything. That was very bold, but clearly you weren't hot enough to pull that stunt.

Shawn: "I'm in finance, the market closed really flat" ... So did that line. We get it, she's just another career gal tryna fit in with the glorified cocktail waitresses. Also, she's this season's token single mom who we're supposed to feel bad for. We predict that mid-season she'll have a breakdown because she misses her kid. We also predict he'll be tortured in school once his friends are old enough to discover his mom's Bachelor footage.

Rachel Rose: Your teeth are all that Ben can look at.

Amber T: shoots guns, likes cow balls

Holly: "Holly Hat"

Casey S: pretty, normal

Jamie: might win

Elyse: dee kay who you are

Samantha: "Sammy Stash"

Blakeley: Your parents big Blake Lively fans?

Nicki: token dental betch

Sheryl: retired

Emily: "Love is like a disease," raps Epidemiology Emmy. You are like a disease. Handing out Purell on a first encounter? You must be a serious load of fun.

Brittney: Grandma's girl. How are you supposed to blackout at the intro party with grandma chaperoning? Also, it's casual how her grandma doesn't even think she can win. "Looks like you've got some serious competition..."

Monica: She is a fucking problem. This one is a psychotic sociopath and bully, we can see through the fake smile that she's a raging nutcase, the lesbian thing is weird, and she has a lot of back fat.

Jenna: We lol'ed hard when they said you were a "blogger" and zoomed in on your screen and it said 'What does love really mean?' Chillllll out Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City ended 10 years ago. It's literally like watching a trainwreck, who actually asks "HOW DO YOU MAINTAIN SANITY" amidst an emotional situation? Was that a voiceover or was she actually talking to herself in the bathroom? Jenna offers the classic case of how to lose, but if you're kind of hot and have tan skin you'll lose more slowly.

Also, "I'm not here to party" ...she's wasted.

Oh and this gem: "I love that thing that you said about how good things end badly... I loved it because it made absolutely no sense, just like what I write on my blog."

For kicks: Chris Harrison's hair is Chandler circa 1998. Ben's is poser/skater circa 1994.

 

23 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Kim says:

    I COMPLETELY AGREE ABOUT THE NOSE JOB.. I was saying it ALL night!

    Posted on Reply
  2. youngbetch says:

    what about kacie!? tennessee brunette?? my moneys on her but you overlooked her, betches.

    Posted on Reply
  3. undercoverbetch says:

    “A London Lass living in the States, had been on many disastrous dates. All she’s really looking for is something quite simple. Someone that can make her laugh and won’t make fun of her butt chin dimple.”

    You can add nose to the list too.

    Posted on Reply
  4. WC betch in charge says:

    Not gonna lie last night was the first night i have ever watched a show like the bachelor or bachelorette; my younger sister a pretty ballin bitch herself is obsessed.  This show could be transformed into the BEST drinking game EVER literally. 

    Comments about the show before the drinking game
    ... that model was not that pretty she looks real strange
    ...the horse girl is kind of cool
    ... i like that girl who was like dont sugar coat stuff for me
    ...that girl who just walked by ben ummm 1 why? 2 lay off the pink make up you look like a bratz doll gone bad
    ...he picked some girls who looked a lil strange that i feel like they didnt show that much
    ...liked the candy game-original but kinda real sexual hah
    ...the rap was interesting but that girl was kind of a prick
    ...i thought i liked the Britt she was ‘quite a funny dork’ her rhyme was sweet her accent was better BUT her outfit like all i could think was ‘BUZZ YOUR GIRLFRIEND WOOF’ haha her collar was interesting but it reminded me of a kimono with weird ruffle/rouching type of deal ha
    ....the girl with the hat ugh nice idea sweetheart but umm your body was too little and your dress was atrocious
    ...did anyone else think that the girl who brought her grandma looked like charlie from gossip girl, xoxo i love my dear gran….

    DRINKING GAME
    (a rule for this game and anytime you drink in my book—anytime you take a shot, dont be a lil boy and chase your shot with juice or pop or something…YOU CHASE ALCOHOL WITH ALCOHOL make a mixed drink, use a beer, pop some champ or buy some mikes hard—-new personal favorite presoaked gummies soak some gummies and pop one in your mouth after your shot look it up—google or tfm prob can tell you)


    1. That trick jenna wtf mate take some prozac and some xanax.  You are so unstable ha,—-EVERY TIME SHE CRIES TAKE A SHOT.

    2. Monica..wild does she remind anyone else of britney from glee hah, but she chose to try to get with the girl who kind of resembles a horse, WEIRD? —- EVERY TIME SHE HAS SOME FORM OF LESBIAN INTERACTION WITH SOMEONE TAKE TWO SIPS..IF ITS BLAKELY TAKE A SHOT—-EVERY TIME SHE DOES HER “CACKLE” CHUNG YOUR DRINK UNTIL THAT ODD LAUGH IS OVER

    3.—-EVERY TIME THEY TALK BAD ABOUT EACH OTHER TAKE AN APPROPRIATE NUMBER OF SIPS…DETERMINE HOW BITCHY YOU THINK THEY WERE BEING (THE BITCHIER = MORE SIPS)

    4.—- EVERY TIME A CONTESTANT SAYS ‘i didnt think i would fall for him’ OR ‘i didnt think i would be that girl’ OR ‘i have really developed feelings for him so fast’, HA ANYTHING ALONG THOSE LINES THAT ARE SUPER CLICHE—TAKE AT LEAST ONE SHOT, IF SHE CRIES DOUBLE SHOT

    5.—-if there is every a fight—verbal between girls =shot—verbal between girl and ben = sip—physical between girls = sip per hit/scratch/attempted blow or you can chug until it is over/broken up

    ill post more if i think of more reasons to drink to make fun of these crazies and wallow in the reasons why, we cant go on those lovely dates around the world like they do

    i may just have to see what happens throughout this season, and become a weekly bachelor watcher

    by the betches love the site and keep up the good work

     

    Posted on Reply
  5. WC betch in charge says:

    Not gonna lie last night was the first night i have ever watched a show like the bachelor or bachelorette; my younger sister a pretty ballin bitch herself is obsessed.  This show could be transformed into the BEST drinking game EVER literally. 

    Comments about the show before the drinking game
    ... that model was not that pretty she looks real strange
    ...the horse girl is kind of cool
    ... i like that girl who was like dont sugar coat stuff for me
    ...that girl who just walked by ben ummm 1 why? 2 lay off the pink make up you look like a bratz doll gone bad
    ...he picked some girls who looked a lil strange that i feel like they didnt show that much
    ...liked the candy game-original but kinda real sexual hah
    ...the rap was interesting but that girl was kind of a prick
    ...i thought i liked the Britt she was ‘quite a funny dork’ her rhyme was sweet her accent was better BUT her outfit like all i could think was ‘BUZZ YOUR GIRLFRIEND WOOF’ haha her collar was interesting but it reminded me of a kimono with weird ruffle/rouching type of deal ha
    ....the girl with the hat ugh nice idea sweetheart but umm your body was too little and your dress was atrocious
    ...did anyone else think that the girl who brought her grandma looked like charlie from gossip girl, xoxo i love my dear gran….

    DRINKING GAME
    (a rule for this game and anytime you drink in my book—anytime you take a shot, dont be a lil boy and chase your shot with juice or pop or something…YOU CHASE ALCOHOL WITH ALCOHOL make a mixed drink, use a beer, pop some champ or buy some mikes hard—-new personal favorite presoaked gummies soak some gummies and pop one in your mouth after your shot look it up—google or tfm prob can tell you)


    1. That trick jenna wtf mate take some prozac and some xanax.  You are so unstable ha,—-EVERY TIME SHE CRIES TAKE A SHOT.

    2. Monica..wild does she remind anyone else of britney from glee hah, but she chose to try to get with the girl who kind of resembles a horse, WEIRD? —- EVERY TIME SHE HAS SOME FORM OF LESBIAN INTERACTION WITH SOMEONE TAKE TWO SIPS..IF ITS BLAKELY TAKE A SHOT—-EVERY TIME SHE DOES HER “CACKLE” CHUNG YOUR DRINK UNTIL THAT ODD LAUGH IS OVER

    3.—-EVERY TIME THEY TALK BAD ABOUT EACH OTHER TAKE AN APPROPRIATE NUMBER OF SIPS…DETERMINE HOW BITCHY YOU THINK THEY WERE BEING (THE BITCHIER = MORE SIPS)

    4.—- EVERY TIME A CONTESTANT SAYS ‘i didnt think i would fall for him’ OR ‘i didnt think i would be that girl’ OR ‘i have really developed feelings for him so fast’, HA ANYTHING ALONG THOSE LINES THAT ARE SUPER CLICHE—TAKE AT LEAST ONE SHOT, IF SHE CRIES DOUBLE SHOT

    5.—-if there is every a fight—verbal between girls =shot—verbal between girl and ben = sip—physical between girls = sip per hit/scratch/attempted blow or you can chug until it is over/broken up

    ill post more if i think of more reasons to drink to make fun of these crazies and wallow in the reasons why, we cant go on those lovely dates around the world like they do

    i may just have to see what happens throughout this season, and become a weekly bachelor watcher

    by the betches love the site and keep up the good work

     

    Posted on Reply
  6. Ellie says:

    you just made the bachelor that much more exciting. THANK YOU.

    Posted on Reply
  7. betch says:

    illiterate lesb alert

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    Hate myself for sayin it but Jenna kinda looks like a poor man’s (commoner’s?) version of pippa… in dire need of some skin resurfacing and some semblance of a backbone.

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    “WC betch in charge” obviously thinks she’s more important than she actually is… It’s amusing. Can you do this every Bach recap?

    Posted on Reply
  10. K says:

    Her eyes are siooo weirdly close together. I have this theory that if you shaved off all her hair shed look like a British man.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    one of the ugliest people i have ever seen. i would have stopped watching if she hadn’t left the first night. annoying…

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    we came here to read the betches’ bachelor recap. unfortunately, no one cares about yours.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    jenna is easily the prettiest and looked the best that night. even though her crying was getting annoying i wouldn’t know how to put up with the psycho betch either.

    Posted on Reply
  14. calls-it-like-i-sees-it-betch..... says:

    yo, are you serious…seriously dumb, or related to Jenna, or are in fact Jenna??

    She’s so gross, you blind betch. Clearly he only kept her (bc he was told to)bc she’s going to make a fool of herself and the entire nation can laugh in her demise. Her blog is dumb, like your comment, and she gives NYC girls a bad name. BETCH!

    BTW….”[I’m] the one that attacked [her].....EMOTIONALLY!” BAHAHAH, did anyone else catch that PSYCHO saying that!?!

    Posted on Reply
  15. Anonymous says:

    Seriously Jenna is not cute and a total psycho

    Posted on Reply
  16. Anonymous says:

    I love how you referred to him as “chris b harrison” obviously following him on twitter

    Posted on Reply
  17. Jenna says:

    Jenna the psychopath “Okay, I’m going to be honest here-what I’m trying to say is I’m a guy, not a girl” 
    —“Thanks, I appreciate that?”
    *Monicca the lesbo walks in*
    *Jenna cries for 45 mins*

    GREAT sequence of events, amazing.

    Posted on Reply
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