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By The Betches on

So tonight starts another riveting season of The Bachelor. We hope you're as excited as we are for all the judgment and #1 shit talking talking that's about to ensue as soon as #33 nice guy Ben Flajnik starts turning the tables and making girls cry.

So we know that Ben's a #62 pro winemaker and since that's like as close as any true betch would get to marrying a drug dealer, we'll let it slide that he kind of looks like the child that would result if Rafael Nadal fucked his mother. We'll be introduced to the 25 lovely ladies fame whores with diverse names like Lyndsie and Lindzi who we're sure will make this an epic season.

ben bachelorI've got an engagement ring, who wants it!?

And is it just us or is there always a dental hygienist on this show? Apparently the dentistry profession is full of girls who are TGF and bitches who can't get married.

 

But since bros get their boring fantasy sports leagues and March Madness brackets, why should betches be deprived of all the fun? With that we introduce to you The Bachelor Elimination League.

Now to play this game it requires that you 1) aren't a spoiler reading cheater and 2) have friends. If either of these requirements can't be fulfilled I'm sorry but you just can't sit with us.

Here's how the game works. For the more competitive betches, you might want to put money in to make things more interesting. For the dumb betches, you might want to read this carefully.

RULES

1. Take a look at this seasons night 1 contestants and pick one that you think will NOT be eliminated. If your girl gets a rose at the end of the night, you're still in the game, and if she doesn't you're out. Here's the thing. You can't choose the same girl for more than one round so you might want to save the one that you know will definitely make it to the top five for later rounds.

2. Each week (within 48 hours of the shows ending) you must submit your choice before the episode begins, preferably to the girl in your bestie group that wants to be the organizer, aka anal betch. She's the one who will have already made a google doc of the bracket before you had the chance to suggest she make one. You are picking who you think is safe through the following weeks elimination. Then every Thursday you will receive a spreadsheet of everyone's names and picks and be able to see who was eliminated and who is still left.

3. Again you can only pick a girl ONCE. The only exception to this rule is if we get down to say 5 girls and you have already picked all 5 of those girls. Then you are able to chose a girl for the second time. This is where strategy comes into play.

ben bachelorThis is my "I'm about to do the run and pick up hug but I'm afraid you're too fat" face

So take a look at the bachelorettes today and try and weed out the fuglies, the needy losers, and the alcoholics:

 

http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/bachelorette-announcement/ThemeGallery/897381

Personally, we're rooting for Sheryl, and it's not just because she's old as fuck. It's also because she reminds us of our elementary school music teacher from the 90s.

If this all seems like too much work for you, you can revert to the bachelor drinking game where you take a shot every time someone mentions being 'here for the right reasons' or Ben says that this is 'the hardest decision he's had to make yet'.

Of course, we'll be doing our own weekly recaps so stay tuned for us to make fun of the bachelorettes and make up diverse and creative #9 nicknames for Bachelor Ben.

May the most manipulative, least desperate, and skinniest betch win. Let the games begin.

 

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12 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. jwow says:

    I love this website.

    FYI ...there is a real game on facebook that is literally called Fantasy Bachelor and is promoted by ABC. its the fucking best. duh. And, you don’t need to make an excel chart to keep track and shit. they do it for you…because why would a real betch do any unnecessary real work? Righttt.

    This show is the most amazing thing to have happened to reality tv. Between this coming back and Revonnnggeeeee returning (aka Revenge) to it’s Wednesday night glory, January is the betchiest month ever!

    Posted on Reply
  2. alcoholic betch says:

    if you were stranded on a desert island what 3 things would you bring with you and why?
    monica’s response: an endless supply of pina coladas
    i want monica to be the ashley hebert of this season- always blacked out

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    is it just me or are all of those girls fugly this year? umm…what the hell

    Posted on Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    Too bad you can find the episode-by-episode results for the entire season on realitysteve.com, rendering pointless this entire enterprise.

    By the way, betches, you need to have a talk with whichever intern you’ve got taking care of your social media. The use of “u” and “ur” instead of “you” and “your” on your most recent Facebook update nearly triggered my gag reflex. Get it together.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Hbic says:

    This “game” is def TTH.  Fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    Now to play this game it requires that you 1) aren’t a spoiler reading cheater and 2) have friends.

    reading that would make you a spoiler reading cheater. and who cares how they type? fuck off.

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    Thank the fucking lord someone noticed the ur and u thing. Get your shit together betches

    Posted on Reply
  8. yesmeansno says:

    All the girls on this season are FUG. I can hardly tell what they look like through all the horrid eyebrows.

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    Sorry, I didn’t feel like reading paragraphs of rules for a game I’m not going to play. I care how they type, because betches are supposed to be educated. And really, I don’t think the nasty language is necessary unless you’re a guest on Maury.

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    I wish there were more manipulative betches on the show. They’re all usually so desperate. Too bad it has to be somewhat scripted by ABC, things could get a lot more entertaining if it wasn’t.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    lyndsie looks like the victim of the worst nose job of all time. but i guess abc was thinking ugly girls for an ugly bachelor?

    Posted on Reply
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