This week on Ask a Pro: Head Pro dishes out some real talk, and we hear from Taylor Swift after her breakup from Jake Gyllenhaal
Dear Head Pro, I've been dating this bro for 2 months now. Dating an older guy in high school makes me even more #betchy than I already am as an LA #yoga goddess. But things are getting more advanced in these teenage years than they used to be. #NotFuckingBros is no longer seen as acceptable, and even as a #betch I am way too good at keeping my legs closed. My mouth, however, is struggling. In order to maintain my #hothighschool status, I gave into my bro's wishes for the occasional BJ, but how much is too much? Lately he's been shoving me down to my knees. How often should I go down for this douche. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep on pretending to swallow. My gag reflex is catching up with me, and why even bother holding it in when he treats me like #shit. I want to be treated like the #betch that I am.
Should I still be on my knees, or is it time to find a more respectable bro?
BJs for High School Bros
Dear BJs for High School Bros,
What the shit? Ok, sorry if this isn’t going to be funny, but there’s nothing funny going on here. First of all, I think you’re running around with the wrong friends if not fucking boys (notice I didn’t say bros, because there really isn’t such a thing as a “bro” in high school) is “unacceptable”. When I was in high school, most guys were busy wondering what the girls looked like naked, some people in “serious” relationships were having awkward teenage sex (the only kind), and the skanks were busy getting pregnant. I don’t think things have changed all that much, so I would suspect you’re just hanging out with the kind of girls who think that fucking a bunch of dudes makes them more mature. I would reevaluate your circle, because betches know that their status in life isn’t determined by how many dicks they’ve accommodated.
As to your boyfriend’s horrendous actions, my guess would be it comes from one of two things. One, he’s a sociopath who has deep-seeded issues with women, in which case the best thing you can do is get the hell away from him. Two, and more likely, is that being a teenage boy, his only real exposure to sex has been through porn. When I was 14, “porn” was fervently trying to download and print a full-frontal nude picture of one of the Spice Girls over a 56k internet connection before your parents got home. Now that even poor people can afford broadband, it’s almost harder to go on the internet and not find porn than it is to seek it out, and guys are exposed to shocking scenarios before they should be old enough to figure out that no, the vagina is not somewhere on the front of your body.
My guess is that given what he probably sees on a daily basis, he doesn’t realize that what he’s subjecting you to is very, very wrong. Rough, demoralizing porn is fine for adults who know it’s a twisted fantasy, but in real life that’s not how sex works. Flirting, dating, even relationships can be a bit of a power struggle, but sex (of any kind) is one thing that isn’t. Sex is a place for two people to do things for/to each other because they derive pleasure from making the other person happy, not because they’re forced to. That goes double in high school, because hormones are raging and neither one of you is really sure of what the other person is feeling or what’s appropriate. No one, not ever, is allowed to force you to do anything sexually that you don’t want to do, whether you’re hooking up, dating or even married.
If I can be so bold, I gently suggest that you take this opportunity to stand up for yourself and let him know exactly what I’ve told you. For one, it’s a good opportunity for you to get used to resisting peer pressure and letting people know that a betch takes orders from no one. Secondly, it’s better for him to hear this from you now than, say, from a judge when he’s in college because he’s been brought up on rape charges. If shit gets real and/or violent, then you have plenty of resources to turn to. Hopefully though, he’s pretty fucking embarrassed and sorry for the way he acted.
As an aside, I know nothing I say can force you to see the bigger picture outside of the microcosm that is high school, but I can promise you this: When you go back for your tenth or even 5th year reunion, no one, not a single soul will look down on you or remember you negatively for not giving it up or sucking metric fuckloads of dick in high school. If anything, it’ll garner you a lot of admiration from girls your age who had kids when they were 17. Ew.
I swear to fucking God, sometimes I think they should raise the age of consent to like 25.
Let me know how that goes,
Dear Head Pro,
I had been dating a 148. Maybe Gay Bro for about six months until a big blow-up in March caused us to split on pretty hostile terms. Quite unfortunately we are on the same college sports team so after the break up all of our teammates and friends have been taking sides and 1. talking shit. We are not on speaking terms and I have moved on to a bigger (wayyyyy bigger) and better bro. A few days ago I had a long conversation with our former mutual bestie about the whole thing. She is on his side, which is like, whatever, but a shocking request came out of the convo...
For my birthday in February he gave me a Tiffany's necklace, and although I purged everything that had to do with our relationship (teddy bear, movie ticket, etc... total nice girl move) I couldn't bring myself to throw that necklace out. It's just sitting in the back of my closet, because I'm obvi not wearing it ever again. I hadn't decided what I was going to do with it yet, but our "bestie" informed me HE WANTS IT BACK, like yesterday.
Not quite sure what the protocol for this is... am I giving this necklace back?
Betch with a Little-Blue-Box-Problem
Dear Betch with a Little-Blue-Box-Problem
Ohhhhh man did I need this after that last one. What did you guys have a blow-up over, who owed whom for the next tube of mascara? It is pretty unfortunate that you guys are on the same sports team, but I’m not sure who has it worse. Post-grad, coed sports are one of if not the easiest way to meet girls, but that’s playing shit like kickball. But In college? What, is he the one that does the flips on the cheerleading team? I don’t know who should be more embarrassed: him because, you know, he plays a sport that girls can play alongside guys; or you for being his beard. You know what? I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say you both play golf, aka the one team that it’s ok for both of you to be on.
To answer your question: No. Mr. Fancypants decided to go out and buy you a bauble from a middle of the road jeweler, and for what? To hide the fact that he’s probably a bigger Lady Gaga fan than you are? Either way, that’s on him. This isn’t an engagement ring or anything that you accept with the understanding that you’ll fulfill some obligation in the future – it’s a fucking necklace. It’s not like he’s out any more money now that you’re not dating than he was when he initially purchased it. He’s just (surprise) being a whiny pussy.
No, do not give him the necklace back, and both of you quit being such fucking drama queens about it.
PS: Thank you for not-so-subtly insinuating that your new guy’s dick is bigger than the last one’s. I really needed that.
For more douchey advice email firstname.lastname@example.org and follow @BetchesHeadPro on Twitter!