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By The Head Pro on

Dear Head Pro,

I've been seeing aka doing this guy that I went to high school with. He was a senior when I was a sophomore, never made contact. Last summer we ran into a bar and spent the whole night/morning together, NOT PHYSICALLY. Just talking, I didn't think anything of him and then it hit me that there's clearly something there, his best friend even wanted to get us together since its an undeniable attraction and yet hes denying everything minus the physical part. Moving on, we have an agreement and I'm fine with it since neither of us want a relationship at this point in our lives. My issue is that he never hits me up for the so called "booty call" I'm the one who's always initiating it so I look like a horn-ball! Clearly he's interested if its still going down, is he not making the effort because there is something more between us and he's denying it since he's scared or because he knows he can have me as my friends have told me. They tell me to not bother and he will come to me, he isn't! I'm "booty calling" him! I'm worried that if I stop contacting him then he's just going to be like kbyethen! Thanks for the sleepovers! I normally wouldn't care but ITS THE BEST SEX EVER

HELP!!!!!!

XOXO,
Horn-ball

Dear Horn-ball,

First of all, stop saying “horn-ball”. The fact that you call it that tells me you’re not ready for it. So you have an agreement where you guys get to bang but he doesn’t have to date you, and you’re fine with it, except you’re not fine with it because you’re bothering me about it. Excellent. Can we please stop, if just for a moment, pretending that girls (or anyone, really) keep putting up with this kind of bullshit just because the sex is so great? Yes, there is good sex and there’s not as good sex, but a porn star on West Virginia’s finest methamphetamines wouldn’t be enough to keep me coming back if she routinely treated me like shit.

No, you like him, and you want him to like you. That’s why you started fucking to begin with, why you agreed to a booty call arrangement, and why you lie to me and yourself by saying that the only reason you want him to text you first is so you don’t seem like a “horn-ball”. He doesn’t like you in that way. The fact that he fucks you has nothing to do with how he thinks of you as a human being. I took a lot of flak the other week for using the phrase “jizz receptacle”. That’s fine, but unlike those commenters I don’t live in a world where feminism succeeds by closing your eyes and wishing that people would stop saying mean things that you don’t like. I live in the real world, where like it or not people will treat you as badly as you allow them to, and yes some guys think of some girls as disposable objects. You can understand that and learn how to exploit it, or you can keep your eyes shut and hope that when you open them everyone will all of a sudden agree with you.

That was a long-winded way of saying that you are this guy’s jizz receptacle. He doesn’t text you because he neither wants to nor has to. Sorry.

Horn-Ball Kisses,

Head Pro


Dear Head Pro,

In an attempt to get over my ex by getting under someone else (it's been successful so far) I've found myself the ultimate friends-with-benefits: he's hot, athletic, has fun friends, and has a great job. While our weekend escapades have been fulfilling my needs, lately I feel like I've gotten some mixed signals from him.

When we're together he tells me he is into me, holds my hand, suggests breakfast in the mornings, encourages cuddling, etc. I have a blast with him and he's told me I'm one of the best he's ever had [Ed: I’m sure he has]. Here is where I'm confused, though: he only texts me on the weekends (usually after midnight when we're both already out). I realize he is just using me, but why does he waste his time taking me to breakfast in the mornings and doing shit for me if he is only using me for sex? LIke...don't tell me you "like me" if you're only gonna text me one night of the week.

Head Pro, use some of your wisdom and tell me what the fuck to do. Is he just doing this to keep me around? He's very affectionate when we're out with friends. I'm too nervous to confront him about "feelings" because I don't want to ruin our little arrangement, but I'm just confused as to how he feels about me.

XO,

Used betch

Dear Used Betch,

Good, more of this shit. What exactly is so confusing about him wanting to go out to breakfast? I fucking love breakfast, and usually I don’t want to eat alone if I’m going out. Eating breakfast with someone really only requires two things: that it be morning time, and another person is nearby and available to eat with you. If I bring a girl home and she stays the night, guess what? Saturday morning I have all the ingredients needed for a non-solo breakfast. Score. What I’m saying is, chill the fuck out about breakfast.

The real issue here, the “meat” if you will (maybe bacon, since we’re doing breakfast?), is that the first and last paragraphs of your email sound like they were written by two different people. In the first, you’re all “bla bla bla, I’m going to fuck away my emotions”, and in the last you’re nervous to talk to him about his feelings. What’s up with that? If you don’t want a relationship, then why do his feelings matter to you? If you think you might want a relationship and suspect he might too, what’s the harm in reciprocating? And remember, “like” can mean a lot of things. He may only like you enough to text you on the weekends, so technically he does “like” you, just maybe not as much as he likes other things. Like breakfast, for instance.

I think you know that, and I think that’s why you’re trying to bullshit me (and yourself) by saying you’re worried about “ruining your arrangement”. This is not an email from someone who doesn’t give a shit and just wants some NSA action. You are someone who wants the guy you’re fucking to step things up a notch because you’re getting some signs that he might be into you but he’s yet to convey that. Here’s a tip, for free: If you want more, make him ask for more. Don’t be so available for booty calls. If you don’t, I don’t see what the issue is. If you’re so put off by someone being kind and affectionate at least when he’s with you, you have more problems than I can solve.

Maple Syrup Kisses,

Head Pro

28 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. these says:

    are getting so boring and repetitive

    Posted on Reply
  2. Lex says:

    Seriously, what is so hard to understand that when you answer to booty calls, that’s exactly what you are? Head Pro nailed it. If you have/are developing feelings for this “perfect” friend with benefits, a) act like a true betch and stop being available on late night whims (remember you’re fun and exciting and are never available on late night booty calls because you’re either getting your beauty sleep or doing fun exciting things with your friends), or b) cut it off so you don’t have to write head pro again about your broken heart.

    Posted on Reply
  3. oh goood says:

    Head Pro actually sounds like a mature adult this time.  He sounded like a man-child last week.

    Posted on Reply
  4. um come on says:

    Ok I agree that the first girl’s guy isn’t into it—- that’s fine; in her case this would make her a “jizz receptacle” or whatever. The thing I don’t like is that Head Pro: 1. always assumes that girls that write in saying they’re fine with a booty call situation are lying and 2. doesn’t employ reciprocity in his analysis of the BC. Just like guys, there are actually girls that are into casual hookups/sex, attention from people they’re not that into, and see men as little more than idiot “jizz-sticks.” What bothered me about HP’s first response was the way he assumed it was a feminist, ‘oh boys treat girls like shit’ affront to use sperm-can, when really its not, its a ‘people treat people like shit to get a little frekay’ issue. I think a girl who is down with the casual is probs a self-serving, gets-what-she-wants kinda person—- exactly the characteristics of a betch…. not saying girl1 is tho

    Posted on Reply
    • Hailey says:

      You must be one of those girls who kinda thinks she’s a feminist, talks like one, but is too afraid to be one, because pros may not like you. Get over it-anyone that says things like girls can be into casual hookups without wanting strings attached IS A FEMINIST..because you’re arguing that it’s a right only reserved to men -and that it’s possible that a woman may like it too. If you truly believed in casual sex/hookups, you’d see no reason to explain that “Even as a woman-you’re into to it too”

      end of the story: stop letting people validate your sexuality and stop basing it off what a man may or may not do…FEMINIST

      Posted on Reply
      • um come on says:

        wait do you mean me? because i am a feminist…. duh. I just like to talk in generalities about people rather than saying things like “women like this too” I just wanna say “people like this.” I feel like that is a much less alienating argument. Anyways I think “My biggest problem…” down below said what I was trying to say better than me

        Posted on Reply
      • The Second Sex says:

        FYI: Feminism is not just about being okay with casual hookups. That’s just what our society has turned feminism into. How about equal pay for equal work? How about freedom of choice? How about job promotions? Yes, sexual freedom is one (small) aspect of feminism but just pretending to be down for sex when you’re actually emotionally invested is not feminist nor betchy.

        Posted on Reply
    • yeah says:

      Those girls do exist BUT they’re not the ones who write to Head Pro bitching about why the guy isn’t giving them more attention. Why would they try and fix what’s not broken?

      Posted on Reply
    • well says:

      I guess its possible for a girl to have sex with a guy and genuinely not have any feelings for him, Head Pro is completely right to assume that every girl who writes in saying they are fine with a booty call is not actually fine with a booty call. If they were fine with it, they would not be asking head pro for advice. If you don’t care about guys feelings, You wouldn’t care to ask head pro. Also, most girls are hoping for Head Pro to tell them this guy is probably secretly in love with them, which, never really happens.

      Posted on Reply
  5. KK says:

    The fact that Head Pro always gets the same questions and gives the same advice makes me worry that we girls are seriously challenged.

    Posted on Reply
    • agreed says:

      I feel ashamed almost every time I read these because my reaction is always, Oh God, wayy too relevant…

      Posted on Reply
  6. Jizz Receptacle says:

    Jizz receptacle is awesome. Please use this phrase every week and maybe some of these retards will get it through their heads that it is all they are. Like, why are all these questions so similar and tedious?? Are there THAT many delusional daters, aka fucking morons, out there??

    Fuck, get it together ladies!!

    Posted on Reply
  7. Your Name says:

    where are the sexts and subtexts???

    Posted on Reply
  8. Hailey says:

    First one: spot on. He is not interested. He is not confused. He doesn’t even have to ask for sex, you give it to him. You like him. He doesn’t like you. All this confusion and the lies you keep saying: oh I’m fine with it, the sex is great…bla bla bla irrelevant to the fact that he doesn’t like you. It’s not secret that some men only want women for sex-and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. Just because we have boobies doesn’t mean anything is going to change or anything should change. Now that’s feminism. Betches.

    And truth : if you didn’t care, no one would have had to read your story..AT ALL.

    Posted on Reply
  9. My biggest problem... says:

    with Head Pro’s responses is that he always assumes that when a girl is unhappy with a booty call situation, its because she wants a relationship from the guy and is lying about it (whether realizing it or not). This isn’t always the case, sometimes we WANT to be FWB, but want the guy to just show us the same respect/attention we give them. If I’m only giving 50%, I want him to give 50%...not 30%. If I am only calling you on Wed night at 11:55, then you should call me the next Wed night a 11:55 pm. I PERSONALLY think that you should get the same amount respect/attention that you are giving someone else.

    Now maybe the issue is that many guys will see any girl that is interested in casual relationships as not worth that level of respect…in which case ladies just need to not be easy. But thats COMPLETELY different than assuming any girl who is unhappy with her FWB situation is secretly hoping to lock up her sex buddy in marriage.

    Posted on Reply
  10. bacon says:

    say breakfast again. and bacon. and jizz receptacle. ladies- if you were clearly fine with your “arrangements”, you wouldn’t be emailing fucking head pro about it, fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
  11. omg says:

    all these responses are ruining all the fun. stop with the philosophical debates in the comments thread. k? thx

    Posted on Reply
  12. Your Name says:

    Can we just all take a vote or something and decide that Head Pro doesn’t answer these type of questions anymore?  It’s dumb on both sides because in terms of the girls writing in it’s the exact same (boring) problem over and over again and in terms of the Head Pro’s responses there’s no nuance from one situation to the next (i.e. “every girl wants more out of her FWB relationship” “stop being so available to him if you want him to initiate more often” “if you so don’t care why are you writing to me” etc) to the point where his responses are obvious without even reading them and probably unhelpful to anyone.  New topic please!

    Posted on Reply
  13. Your Name says:

    Pup Pup gets a treat

    Posted on Reply
  14. Ivy says:

    I’m so sick of these chicks who are like “I fuck this guy I don’t like and I don’t understand why he doesn’t like me.” He doesn’t like you because you have NOTHING TO ADD TO HIS LIFE. You are boring and you think you are unique. Get some interests of your own and you won’t have this problem any more.

    Posted on Reply
  15. avehansen says:

    It literally kills me to read these same emails every week. You guys give girls such a bad rep it’s embarrassing. 85% of guys just want sex, 5% of guys are trying to get over a girl and the other 10% is probably interested. The less interest you show, the more hell want you. Such a double standard, but that’s our society. Think like a guy, get treated like a princess.
    Also, a period comes before a quotation mark. “Hey.”
    Bye sluts

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      True, these double standards exist because of girls like this, who give themselves up so early that it makes all women seem like easy targets. If more women acted like real ladies, then maybe more men would act like true gentlemen. Think of it this way, why the fuck would any guy go through the hassle of a relationship for someone who’s already given up her body for any time he desires? And breakfast chick, just cause he wants to eat with you the morning after doesn’t mean he cares about you-some guys are just better actors than others. Don’t be fooled, and keep those legs closed.

      Posted on Reply
  16. Z says:

    so technically he does “like” you, just maybe not as much as he likes other things. Like breakfast, for instance.

    I died. Thank you for making my morning a little better.

    Posted on Reply
  17. uva says:

    portrait of a young bro, is that you?

    Posted on Reply
  18. biznetch says:

    every single ask betches/head pro is the same thing. we’re just eff buds but i kinda want more but im soo independent and im just using him i swear but why doesn’t he like me. none of u are betches go back to the list & reread..my god

    Posted on Reply
  19. plz says:

    All I wanna know is “head pro” male or female????  You pretend to be a bro, but I think you’re a jaded female….  I know because I am, this sh*t cracks me up either way.  The question still needs to be asked.

    Posted on Reply
  20. Vanessa says:

    Fucking dying over the “horn ball” thing.

    Posted on Reply
  21. Joel Basar says:

    hi. I’m 12 and I want to know if this girl likes me. sometimes we say hi and high five. today she told me a dark secret and started flirting with me after school.she is not afraid to talk to me. I am her 1 of her only friends. she often smiles when we talk. does she like me?
    PS I have her phone number.

    Posted on Reply
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