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By The Head Pro on

Dear Head Pro,

Usually I read the advice people ask you and think, "Well how the fuck would he know?" But I have a serious burning question that I need answered by a pro. So long story short I dated this guy last summer who lived at the beach with his guy friends. One of his roommates would always innocently flirt with me while I was over there, I didn't make a big deal out of it. My boyfriend and I end up breaking up for other reasons, that was that. A couple months later I see his roommate out at the bar. He looks good, we chat, I get blackout, we hook up.

We hang out a couple more times after this, he tells me he's always really liked me, things are going good, I start to like the guy, and then my ex-boyfriend finds out. My ex makes a huge deal out of it and makes the new guy feel like a super bad friend. Now the new guy only talks to me when my ex isn't around or when he's drunk. He says he really likes me, but if he does then wouldn't he make more of an effort to make things work? Or is guy-code more serious than I thought?

Xoxo,
Clueless Betch

Dear Clueless Betch,

In short yes, “guy-code” (as no one actually calls it) is that serious. Guys just like each other more than girls. Sorry. Maybe not more than our wives or serious girlfriends or whatever, but any guy is going to be more loyal to his bros than, say, his ex girlfriend, or the ex girlfriend of one if his friends that he fucked a couple of times just because, you know, vaginas.

He says he really likes you 1) because he nailed you and doesn’t want you to feel bad, 2) because as his friend’s ex, he probably feels an obligation to be a little more delicate with the situation than he would with some random jizz receptacle, and 3) because yeah, be probably does like you to a degree. I mean, if you were good enough for one of his bros, there has to be something redeeming about you.

He’ll hit you up when he’s drunk or he doesn’t think his bro will know, but that’s probably all you’re going to get out of him. It’s one thing to screw your friend’s ex on the sly, but it’s a different story entirely to actually date your friend’s ex. Once the cat was out of the bag, so to speak, his loyalty to his bro will prevent him from taking it any further. Things could change over time (like, a decade), but I wouldn’t hold your breath. Or do, what’s it to me? I don’t even know you.

Nice Stems,

Head Pro


 

Dear Head Pro,

So my question is pretty cut and dry but I do need to preface with a little background.

Along with being betchy as fuck, I'm also kiiiind of a raging bitch. Now I need to make myself clear of this particular definition of bitch because I'm not using it in the conventional sense... basically when I say bitch I mean that I have a naturally uninterested, I hate you, fuck off face even when I'm in the best of moods. I'm actually a really personable kind of girl the majority of the time but I have these streaks of undeniable aggression. I like to make fun of people to their faces (it's a lot of fun for me and quite entertaining to anyone not in the line of fire) and I also really enjoy lying and making up elaborate stories when talking to people I'm just meeting or don't know well....  I also have zero tolerance for the discussion of feelings. Now when it comes my longstanding career of actually fucking bros, I've been very successful. As far as I can tell, they seem to like it when I go off on these tangents.

Quite frankly I couldn't care less what your answer to my question is because it will literally change none of my behaviors and I don't intend for it to. But essentially, all I really want to know is do guys get some kind of kick out of girls being mean to them? Or is there some other factor at work in the success of my penetration?

xoxo,
Bitchy Betch

Dear Bitchy Betch,

Yes, your email just exudes “personable.” At first I read this and was like “bitch is cray, delete”, but then because I fucking hate myself I read it twice. You’re not cray. You’re better than cray. You’re the Best Kind Of Girl. You’re every bro’s saving grace when he needs a release when he’s not drunk enough to fuck a fat girl and out of lotion back home.

Your punctuation, manic formatting, and pathetic use of the word “quite” are all I need to tell me you’re the Best Kind of Girl. You’re the kind of girl who thinks she’s way too cool for school, who’s all like:

“Whatever, I act like a total bitch and I still get guys to fuck me. I fucking hate feelings, because I don’t have time for shit because I’m too busy getting mine. Fuck it, guys like it when I’m mean to them because they know I’m not like all those other bitches. Do you know where your boyfriend is, loser?”

You are, in a word, delusional.

Here’s a little insight into the mind of a bro: We don’t give a fuck how girls like you act towards us, because it’s not like we ever intend to see you again. That’s what makes you the Best Kind of Girl. One minute I’m tuning you out and nodding while you make lame attempts to put me down and seem “alpha” and the next I’m comparing the color of the skin on your ankles to the color of the skin on your ears. And because your mind is so fucked up, it really is a win-win. I leave (on average, according to Wikipedia) between .1 and 10 milliliters lighter, and you’re left with the delusion that you actually earned or worked for something. If you count all the pointless talking and posturing as “work” then I guess you’re right.

So no, you being mean to guys is not a success factor in your “penetration.” The fact that you think it is, however, definitely is. Real bros/pros see your bullshit coming a mile away, and we live for that.

Never Change,

Head Pro

32 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. 2nd Best Kind of Girl says:

    Head Pro - Your response to the 2nd chick sort of turned me on. You’re amazing! Except, please don’t say “cray”. Thanks!

    Posted on Reply
    • ahgreed says:

      ^ i second this

      Posted on Reply
      • Yesssss says:

        Third ^^...... Head Pro this is one of the BEST responses you have ever had.  Thank you for this.

        Bitchy Betch….. I don’t even know where to begin.  You sound like one of the most vapid and insecure idiots to ever write on this site.  Get a grip you crazy fucking C

        Posted on Reply
        • haha says:

          does C stand for cumdumpster?

          Posted on Reply
    • ugh says:

      head pro really seems like he was TTH in the second answer.  he seems like those guys who try to act all “alpha” but really can’t get laid.

      Posted on Reply
  2. Who cares says:

    Bitchy betch- you are insane, and are literally a dumpster for “bros” who are looking to get it in. Get real, fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
  3. Mehhhhhhh says:

    Bitchy Betch is interesting… to say the least but is it at all possible that the question was taken slightly out of context? Or am I being a nice girl and giving a psychopath too much credit?

    Posted on Reply
  4. Seriously? says:

    Dear Head Pro: usually I think you are funny and your advice on-point, but please don’t refer to a girl as “some random jizz receptacle.” I’m guessing you were hired by women to work for this website and all the questions sent to you that keep you even remotely relevant are from women too. So, maybe talk about them as if they were people? Even my shadiest player guy friends would never say “some random jizz receptacle.” Grow up.

    Posted on Reply
    • YES the problem says:

      this website can be funny, but the biggest problem is the lack of respect and self respect towards women or oneself, respectively. women have power, betches. seriously, get a bit of self respect, ladies.

      Posted on Reply
      • no says:

        say respect again.

        Posted on Reply
        • Damien says:

          Respekt

          Posted on Reply
          • ^^ says:

            hahahahaha BEST comment.

            Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      Agreed. I think you do the average guy a disservice by implying that he’d consider any one-time hookup a “random jizz receptacle.” Although some guys think that way, I don’t think they all do. Please, remember who is reading this site. That isn’t exactly encouraging or empowering advice.

      Posted on Reply
    • Who cares says:

      If you don’t like what the Head Pro has to say, don’t fucking read the article you jizz receptacle

      Posted on Reply
      • blah blah blah says:

        Haha! ^ Speaking truth! Seriously though, if you don’t like it then get on with your life and don’t think twice about it!
        P.S. If you don’t want to be called a jizz receptacle then maybe don’t be one - simple as that.

        Posted on Reply
  5. Clueless Betch says:

    Thanks for answering my question! Changing his contact to ‘Do not answer’ asap.

    Posted on Reply
    • Good luck says:

      That will definitely work when you’re drunk and he texts you.

      Posted on Reply
  6. Hannah says:

    Second Betch
    insecure
    tries to be really mean “because guys just f you over if you’re nice” is what she says when she’s drunk
    BET

    Posted on Reply
  7. Bitchy Betch says:

    Dear Head Pro,

    Please tell me I’m awesome. I’m so hott I can get guys even though I’m a huge cunt. I’m totally using them to get it in cause I’m a man’s woman, not the other way around at all.

    Also I’ll act like don’t care what you say cause, you know, I’m a psychotic bitch, but please please please respond to my letter and tell me how hott and awesome I am.

    Thanks!
    Bitchy betch

    Posted on Reply
  8. ugh says:

    how old is head pro?  the second answer sounded like it was coming from a high school virgin who is trying to act all “alpha”

    Posted on Reply
  9. Unoriginal Bitch says:

    Bitchy Betch, before you think of yourself as an innovator in cuntiness, realize that you’re the Wife of Bath. Nobody liked that bitch either. The only reason you’re being penetrated is because you have orifices available for penetration.

    Posted on Reply
    • Ivy says:

      What’s a Wife of Bath? Is that some kind of mormon thing?

      Posted on Reply
      • fuckoff says:

        I was wondering the same thing so I googled it and it’s apparently an ancient story written by some random bro I’ve never heard of… I obv didn’t read anything more into it but clearly we’ve got some kind of intellectual betch over here. Snaps for doing work I guess?

        Posted on Reply
        • haha says:

          I actually appreciated that reference. She’s a character from the canterbury tales, who basically thinks all men should worship the ground she walks on. She also thinks she’s great because she slept with a bunch of people.

          Not a know it all… I just went to high school

          Posted on Reply
          • Pro. says:

            Good job going to high school. The ignorance and stupidity of most people is hilarious. Truth is, I hate having conversations with most ‘betches’ because they’re uneducated and more insecure than an asian man in a whore house.  Keep up the good work.

            Posted on Reply
        • Ivy says:

          I looked it up too, I guess I learned about her in a medieval history class I took a couple years ago. He never called her that, he called her Allison. I thought she sounded horrid. I don’t really agree with the reference, Allison was passive-aggressive, this chick’s just crabby.

          Posted on Reply
  10. Bitchy Betch (no really) says:

    well this is horribly awkward…. that’ll teach me to write a question to head pro after day drinking….. thanks for answering my horribly phrased question that does indeed make me sound like a raving cunt rather than poetically sarcastic…...... oh well. on to my real like because oh ya this is the Internet

    some of you betches take these questions too seriously

    Posted on Reply
    • jezzzy says:

      in vino veritas

      Posted on Reply
    • Ivy says:

      I actually kinda related to your post and was shocked by Head Pro’s evil response. There are plenty of bros who like chicks like us. It’s the hot/cold thing - some of them can’t get enough of it.

      Posted on Reply
  11. Boston Betch says:

    I love when all these girls write in and get roasted by Head Pro. Then they’re all like “I was wastedd when I wrote this”. Why are you on the internet if you’re drunk? Unless you’re alone in which case your life isn’t as cool as you’re portraying if you are drinking by yourself….

    Posted on Reply
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