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By The Head Pro on

Dear Head Pro,

I know you normally give advice on girls' love problems, but I have a professional concern that I feel like you're well-qualified to answer. This summer will be the summer after my junior year in college. Typically, most people I know get internships that they hope will result in job offers. I know this is the type of summer activity I should be looking into, but I'm torn. I am not going abroad next semester (because of major requirements) and would really like to take a creative writing course in Paris this summer. Creative writing classes would help me for my ideal future career, but the internship would probably be more practical for my immediate future.

I know betches don't normally care about/do work or whatever but I really am conflicted about what to do. As someone who I'm assuming is a recent college grad fresh in the job world, can you give me some young urban professional perspective?


Worried About the Future

Dear Worried About the Future,

I’m glad to know that someone besides me thinks the future is scary. I mean, what if there are robots? And I don’t mean like roombas or those robotic arm things that mass-produce the cars poor people buy, but humanoid robots. Will we be replaced? If so, will we at least be able to have sex with them? These are serious questions. Also, I’m flattered you think I’m “fresh in the job world.” While I do wear deodorant most days (making that statement true on one level), I’ve had more jobs than I can count. Come to think of it, that inability to count is probably why I've had so many.

A creative writing course in Paris, besides being the single gayest thing I’ve ever heard of, is not going to help you land any job. That is, unless your future dream career is “unemployed novelist” in which case go for it. This is how I see it: If you can write you can write, if you can't you can't, but either way some foppish French dandy will always be willing to take your money and make you do retarded word painting exercises. If you want to go to Paris you should just go for the real reason to go to Paris, to fucking enjoy yourself, assuming you can rely on your parents to fund a potentially career-less future.

On the other hand, if you actually give a shit about your career and don't have a trust fund to fall back on, you have a relatively small window where companies are willing to make you do menial work for free in exchange for allowing you to put their name on your resume. Internships are stupid and useless on their own, but some employers/industries think so highly of themselves that they pretend as though they matter. I don’t know how spending a summer fetching coffee for some assistant editor helps qualify you to later write insipid bullshit quizzes in Cosmo for $35k per year, but unfortunately that’s the way the game is played.

Save the useless writing classes for when you’ve saved up some money from your soul-crushing white collar job and your only options are either moving to Paris or suicide.

Creative Kisses,

Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

What is the best way to deal with the ever awkward case of whiskey dick? Like is it ok to kinda laugh it off as no big deal or what? I tend to become sorta mean and sarcastic when I'm in awkward situations that I don't know how to deal with, and I don't want to offend my hookup of the moment's feelings.


Drunk and Horny

Dear Drunk and Horny,

If there’s one universal truth, it’s that whiskey dick is the absolute fucking worst for everyone involved. The girl doesn’t get the pleasure of doing any sausage surfing, and the guy is stuck standing there with the most literal manifestation of his virility looking like some kind of grub you’d find rooting around in a rotted tree stump. I recall the Head Betches touching on this issue back in the dark ages before they hired me, and you’re welcome to reference their thoughts. As the proud owner of a (mostly) functioning penis, I figure it’s my duty to weigh in on the subject.

Basically, whiskey dick is the result of two compounding factors (neither of which have anything to do with you). The first problem is vascular. As I understand it alcohol is a blood thinner and also causes the blood vessels to dilate, so while blood can flow into the dong, it flows out just as easily because the blood vessels can’t constrict to keep it in there. Also, remember that booze is a depressant. In addition to reduced sensitivity, your dick can’t maintain an erection if your nervous system isn’t giving it the right instructions. Yes, lots of guys have erectile problems for several other reasons, but if it only happens to your bro when he’s wasted, you’re probably just dealing with a purely physiological clusterfuck. The only way to fix it is to drink less or pop some kind of boner pill, which I doubt any doctor would recommend while binge drinking. I say this hesitantly, but this is probably one instance where I invite any doctors or med students to fill in the blanks or correct me in the comments section.

As far as handling it, that’s up to you but keep in mind that a lot of guys’ pride is tied up in their dicks and sexual performance. Laughing probably isn’t the best response, but don’t go out of your way to assure them it’s okay. Unfortunately, not every bro knows what causes whiskey dick, and when it happens I promise that they are very much not ok with the situation. It’s embarrassing and frustrating. If anything, I think the best response is to explain that you know why it happens and that it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with him. Whatever you do, don’t put up with any asshole who tries to blame it on you, because that’s right up there with “omg this never happens” in terms of bullshit excuses. If a guy can’t acknowledge the fact that sometimes your junk doesn’t work when you drink too much, you’re probably better off not fucking that guy to begin with.

Flaccid Kisses,

Head Pro

17 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. ugh says:

    these were both lame. next.

    Posted on Reply
    • LAME says:

      I always look forward to ask a pro but this shit was super lame. Step it up, Head Pro.

      Posted on Reply
  2. RUN DO NOT WALK says:

    Nooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I thought Pro was way cooler until today.  Go to Paris and skip the internship!!!  If you’re a “true betch” (talented, smart, fun, quick-witted) you will be JUST FINE without adding “working as someone’s professional bitch” to your list of life experiences.  A summer in Paris is just as impressive to a potential employer - if you’re smart enough to portray it as such when you job search. You will not, however, be just fine at finding ways to get to Paris after college.  Landing a job is about showing you can be smart, passionate, and charming (in a professional setting) - and you do that by setting yourself apart and being bold, not by doing what literally every other person is doing. Just my opinion, and I am a young urban professional having my cake and eating it too, and easily paying to burn it off at Equinox with my own salary, not my dad’s credit card.

    Posted on Reply
  3. supbetch says:

    to the first girl, try looking into internships that you might be able to do during your senior year, that way you can go to paris and get an internship. either way if it was me, i’d def go to paris because that’s still something you can put on your resume and have an amazing summer. also it shows that you’re willing to try new things and get outside of your comfort zone which is something that future employers will most likely appreciate. besides, while internships are really really really helpful especially graduating in this economic climate ( i had 2 which i credit for being able to land a job immediately after graduating) there’s nothing like travelling while you’re young. good luck!

    Posted on Reply
  4. Girl #1 says:

    GO TO PARIS!!!! Get internship experience during the school year. As a post-grad who did two internships Senior year, the summer I spent abroad was hands-down the most rewarding experience.

    The opportunity for internships will be waiting, but the chance to take a class abroad is NOW and won’t be there forever.

    Posted on Reply
  5. BeenThere says:

    GO TO PARIS. It looks good on a resume too. And adds to your “well-rounded-ness” bullshit. And is interesting in interviews

    Posted on Reply
  6. darl says:

    LAME. Real betches don’t need career advice from a love/sex columnist. They just ask their dad and dad’s friends.

    Posted on Reply
  7. Your Name says:

    Lauren didn’t go to Paris

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      She’ll always be known as the girl who didn’t go to Paris…

      Posted on Reply
      • kats says:

        girl#1… do not get a beach house with jason. go to paris!

        Posted on Reply
  8. sasha says:

    disappointed about no LC reference head pro. the girl practically set it up for you

    Posted on Reply
  9. bleh says:


    Posted on Reply
  10. Your Name says:

    I chilled in Africa the summer before my senior year and was fiiiiine.. My roommate also got an internship IN Paris.  Check yo options girl, you can get the best of both worlds

    Posted on Reply
  11. Go to Paris! says:

    To the first betch,

    I was in a similar situation my summer before Senior year. I had never had an internship before and still choose to study abroad - and it was the best decision of my life! Seriously not a day goes by where I don’t wish I was back there. When else where you be able to take a 3 month vacation on your parents dime while “earning college credit”?! Also, you can still put this course on your resume and talk about it during interviews (i.e. make up some bullshit about how it taught you really valuable career skills etc, etc)

    And guess what - I still graduated with an awesome job last year where I’m making bank. Part of the reason for this is because I went to a credible college with a great career center and majored in a reliable field. Consider getting an internship over winter break your senior year. That’s what I did too!

    Posted on Reply
  12. Ivy says:

    Are you bitches blind?

    This was funny as hell. HeadPro compared whiskey dick to a grub rooting around a rotted tree stump.

    Fine holiday fun.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Ivy says:

    Also, HeadPro is a writer, so I think he knows whether a creative writing seminar in Paris is a big stupid waste of time or not.

    Posted on Reply
  14. laxmi says:

    thanks for sharing it is very nice post.

    Posted on Reply
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