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By The Betches on

Betches are inherently narcissistic, so it’s no surprise that we believe that whatever country we were born in is the greatest nation in the world. However, if you’re not from the United States of America and you have this feeling then you’re clearly delusional.

 

Pam AndersonBetches don't wave flags, we wear them.

 

America is like that top betch we were friends with in high school. She’s beautiful, rich, and she doesn’t give a shit about poor people or minorities. She did whatever she wanted and everyone hated on her because they were all jealous of her popularity and her ”I will obliterate you if you fuck with me” attitude. She even has a fucking song all about how pretty she is.

On top of that, we’re sooo thankful for the millions of freedoms we get just by being born here. We have the right to dress like a slut, pregame anytime and anywhere we want, and it’s even fucking legal to send someone your own shit (literally) in the mail. How betchy is that? We’re also lucky to live in a nation of 24 hour gyms and one of the highest obesity rates in the world, allowing us to look skinnier next to almost everyone in pics.

When we went #3 abroad, we really got the low down on how the rest of the world lives. While we loved the food and the clubs and shit, we realized that we’re really fucking lucky to live in America, where our fav salad place doesn’t close at noon because they ran out of lettuce. Also, we could teach Europe a thing or two about electronics. It’s called a fucking clothes dryer. Get the memo, Italy! The sheer amount of buildings without elevators in it a testament to America’s superiority. At least when we discriminate against handicapped people, we give them a fucking ramp to get to the bouncer before they’re rejected at the door.

Miley Cyrus

To all those European assholes who screamed at us for being loud American girls. Fuck off and be thankful that we tip you even though it’s not customary.

Finally, like any top betch, America’s birthday is a national holiday and she lets everyone fucking know it. Her birthday is the whole country’s excuse to get drunk, party, and light shit on fire.

So here’s to the red, white, and blue. Let’s take today to thank those hot bros and lesbians who fight for our freedoms everyday. As the song says, crown her good with bro hood and fucking party in the U.S.A.

 

 

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53 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    Hot bros and lesbians… Hahaha love it

    Posted on Reply
  2. The Betches says:

    military betches are the smart ones who realized there were so many fucking hot bros defending freedom that we had to get in on that shit (we were what, 12 when JAG came out? harm and mac?) just think, there’s like 20% women in the military. and like 19% are either lesbians or DUBs (dumb. ugly. bitches.) leaving all the bros/future pros to us. it takes a true betch to pull off a uniform, and mess with us, we’ll fucking kick your ass. really.

    Posted on Reply
    • Realist says:

      Don’t know if you know this but female soldiers are more likely to be raped than killed in the line of duty. Just sayin’

      Posted on Reply
      • yup says:

        quite right. you’re actually more likely to be raped than to get breast cancer.

        Posted on Reply
  3. The Betches says:

    “…We realized that we’re really fucking lucky to live in America, where our fav salad place doesn’t close at noon because they ran out of lettuce.”

    Seriously. Anyone who’s been to Europe (or any other fucking country on Earth) knows how seriously lucky we are to be from a country where every kid has their own car instead of sharing a miniature Fiat with your whole family and all your closest cousins

    Posted on Reply
  4. The Betches says:

    I feel sorry for you if you would rather have every individual have their own car than be able to walk to the store, school, restaurants and entertainment. Enjoy your shallow and pathetic life.

    Posted on Reply
  5. The Betches says:

    Ew, I feel sorry for you. Sharing a car might be the most unbetchy thing a betch could do. Don’t you know betches don’t actually care about #46 The Environment?… you should probably leave now.

    Posted on Reply
  6. The Betches says:

    @Alexis, if you don’t know how important a high standard of living is then you’re obviously poor. Sorry.

    Posted on Reply
  7. The Betches says:

    don’t you have better things to do with your time than to read these posts and comment on them, pretending you’re a moral person? you’re clearly not a betch, so get off this site. you’re not welcome. #getalife

    Posted on Reply
  8. The Betches says:

    irony – pam anderson is canadian.

    representing the Canadian betches.

    I <3 Canada!

    Posted on Reply
  9. The Betches says:

    The only good things to come from Canada: Justin Bieber, Drake, Pam Anderson, and beaver tails. Yum. (although it is encouraged to throw up right after eating one so you don’t become a fat betch)

    Posted on Reply
    • ew says:

      you forgot the Ryans (Gosling and Reynolds.. YUM)

      anyways though.. huge fail because Canada’s living standards are way higher than the US’ and they are consistantly ranked as the best country to live in in the world..

      ... the US has way better shopping though, sucks for us.

      Posted on Reply
    • Except... says:

      You forgot Ryan-effing-Gosling.

      Posted on Reply
    • candycayne says:

      Anddd poutine. So. Fucking. Good.

      Posted on Reply
    • Canadian Betch says:

      Umm the queen betch herself? Regina George aka Rachel McAdams. Duh. Also, you should probably take your head out of your ass and realize how moronic American girls look when they brag about their country while the rest of the world laughs. (Seriously though)

      When it comes to the best quality of life USA isn’t even on the map, so if you’re calling other countries out on being delusional then I suggest you check the statistics or leave your little American bubble and get cultured, betches.

      PS. If you’ve ever been to Milan you’d know that some of the classiest betches come from Italy.  Perhaps you should take a page out of their book when it comes to hang drying designer clothing, because America’s lack of sustainability is fucking with the rest of our high quality air and divine living standards. Ta ta

      Posted on Reply
  10. The Betches says:

    Pam Anderson: Canada’s ultimate betch

    Posted on Reply
  11. The Betches says:

    Great little post… Enjoy the holiday! Love to get drunk, eat bbq and light shit on fire… Only in America!

    Posted on Reply
  12. The Betches says:

    If it ain’t America, you don’t need to find it on a map, because they’re all trying to come to America anyway. We rock, betches.

    Posted on Reply
    • omg says:

      ew how ignorant. you’re trying wayyyy too hard. and anyone who doesnt travel is super unbetchy.

      Posted on Reply
  13. The Betches says:

    “she doesn’t give a shit about poor people or minorities”

    really betches? im not going to write a entire rant complaining, because as much as your stupidity disappoints me, it’s somewhat amusing… but as a betch who is a minority i’m extremely disappointed at your ignorance. i really do love this site, but there is a difference between sarcastic humor and flat-out racism.
    as you’ve stated numerous times.. being a betch is a way of life, an attitude.
    it has nothing to do with color.

    Posted on Reply
  14. The Betches says:

    @beautifulblackbetch: Minorities can also include the LGBT community. Not everything has to do with color. Also, if you were a true betch, you would acknowledge the importance of satirizing life; clearly you’re a mini-betch.

    Posted on Reply
  15. The Betches says:

    There’s no such thing as mini-betches. You’re either a bitch, or you’re not. come on now

    Posted on Reply
  16. The Betches says:

    haha i 1000% agree…i love my job because everyone respects you more if you’re a huge betch, you make great money, you can get away with everything cause you’re a hot betch, and oh btw you work with tons of hot guys. #secretbestjobever

    Posted on Reply
  17. canada loving says:

    Ummm America is cool, but super ignorant. Everyone else in the world hates you guys.
    Huge trait a betch must have is CULTURE.. and unless Im going into the back of a kitchen to see all the Mexicans, thats about as far as it goes in America. 

    I may be from the cold but Canada is not only open and liked by everyone in the world but America, but they are home of the BEST POT IN THE WORLD! and really lenient laws (here we don’t get charged for having a gram of weed, were just told be careful.. therefore if your gonna be a pot growing gangster betch.. it wont be happening in America). Your drinking age is a little old.. So what your saying is -even though i would have a fake id- that I couldn’t go out until im 21!! fuckkkk that. Canada is 18-19.

    Our universities are all better and our WHOLE country is educated and they dont sound like weird hicks that came out of deliverance. EW. since unless you can afford private school (obv a betch can) the school system in the states is some of the worst in the world. Ive notcied the lack of education with the numerous americans I have spoken too.. Seems like the only city you can go to meet some one educated in a major city… sad.

    In canada we are incestuous.

    I love being a betch from a country that has nice people to betch around, that can drink when shes not old as fuck, that can smoke the best kush and oh when going to another country having to explain I am not a dumb american.. and seeing the relief in the europeans face when I tell them

    ciao losers.

    great site btw ha.

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      harvard, princeton, yale, stanford. best universities in the world are in FUCKING AMERICA.

      Posted on Reply
    • eyy says:

      Everyone here in asia practically worships the US. Most here (china) dream of moving there, I guess it’s only the western and middle east countries that are hating on the US.

      Posted on Reply
  18. MILF Betch says:

    Canada is America’s hat. Period. And every Canadian I’ve ever met is fat, white, and has a funny accent.

    Posted on Reply
    • Seriously? says:

      All I have to do is cross the border from Canada in the states and the obesity epidemic is oh so apparent. All Canadians are fat? I don’t think you have ever been here.
      Also your whole country is owned by the Chinese. Like owned. If it wasn’t for them you’d all be living in mud huts like the Sudanese.

      Not saying that I don’t love the US. You guys have some of my favourite cities but clearly you guys need to get over yourselves….

      Posted on Reply
  19. Courtney says:

    You can ALSO dress like a slut, predrink wherever (seriously wherever) and whenever you want. Alcohol and gas are cheap as fuck (so everyone ALSO has a car). Restaurants are ALSO open 24/7 and the food is AMAZING. Actual caribbean beaches everywhere, hot bros and betches galore, and most importantly.. they really do not care that they are the most kickass country in the world.
    So yeah, you have found your nemesis.
    PD: who the fuck mails shit?

    Posted on Reply
  20. Canadian Betch says:

    funny.. because if I recall correctly i think its YOUR country that’s known for being fat, and with funny accents?

    (i dont really know what white has to do with anything)?

    Posted on Reply
  21. CanadianBetchEH says:

    Don’t have a problem with Americans in general, except for when I gave the guy at MacDonalds in Florida a Canadian quarter and he yelled at me. Sorry pretty sure our money was worth more than yours at the time. It was a mistake an American quarter looks the same to me as a Canadian quarter, sorry I didn’t look closer at my quarters, I’ll be more observant next time I go to American MacDonalds.

    A betch does not have time to be that observant…too busy doing betchy things.

    P.S. I was getting a diet coke at MacDonalds while people who I was with inhaled Big Macs cause betches don’t eat that shit unless they are puking it up 5 minutes after. Plus the portions at American MacDonlads are double that of a Canadian MacDonlads so I would have to puke twice. Gross.

    Posted on Reply
  22. canadian betches rule says:

    GO CANADA!

    best weed! and were all so much skinner than Americans… Betchy!

    Posted on Reply
  23. isabella grant says:

    venezuela is nice… but Betches dont come from third world countries.. sorry courtney

    Posted on Reply
  24. Anonymous says:

    its more ignorant to stereotype….americas pretty betchy because people from all over the world immigrate here. more international influences=more culture, unlike canada which no one goes to unless they want to underage drink

    Posted on Reply
  25. Anonymous says:

    you can go shave your back now

    Posted on Reply
  26. canamericano says:

    “In Canada we are incestuous” ... are you sure you meant to say that?

    Posted on Reply
  27. american girl says:

    @ canadian betch. Why are you even going through a drive thru line? Canadians arent Americans no matter which thwarted angle you want to see it through. American’s dont look at you funny when you walk into a restaurant just to use the bathroom. Americans are too prideful for that shit and last time i checked, every fucking country wets their pants over anything American. Fashion, movies, celebrity, entertainment, living standards…When Canada becomes the country that everyone else models after, call me.

    p.s. there are plenty of countries whose monetary value is worth more than ours yet everyone still holds their major assets in American dollars. Figure that.

    Posted on Reply
  28. american girl says:

    Oh, and i have no idea why you and your non-inflated Canadian quarters were even in a Mcdonalds* line…..who gives a shit about the portions of a disgusting fast food restaurant anyways…

    Posted on Reply
  29. Cultured Betch says:

    There isn’t one fucking problem with Europe, we can drink in public, don’t have curfews and our police doesn’t give a shit. We also have the best skiing and most great fashion designers are from Europe. plus all the skinny betties here are fantastic incentive to remain SKINNY. Everybody needs to back off Europe, go ahead, love America it’s great but for batch life it doesn’t always compare to Europe. All my friends and I have lived in both, and we are American - we vouch for the batch life in Paris.

    Posted on Reply
  30. .. says:

    That may be so, but at least we’re not fat.
    Also, America is the poor girl that wants to hang with all the rich girls, so she buys expensive things to try and fit in with the real betches. It thinks that people listen to her because she commands attention, but actually everyone is talking shit about her behind her back because she’s so loud and no one likes her. We go to America because it’s cheap and easy, not sophisticated and glamorous.
    So you can try and make yourself awesome, but the rest of the world knows you try way to hard.

    Posted on Reply
  31. americaisfuckingawesome says:

    fuck all of you. america is better than everyone else. your all just jealous. betches only like america if your not american you cant be a betch.

    Posted on Reply
    • Reality Check says:

      Calm down. If America was so much better than everyone else, they wouldn’t be billions of dollars in debt and having to resort to extreme measures just to avoid total bankruptcy. You sound like you’re twelve, wouldn’t expect you to know that anyway. Enjoy living under a rock smile

      Posted on Reply
    • Wow says:

      Way to make America look smart. It’s “you’re” not “your”. Go back to school, please.

      Posted on Reply
  32. european betch says:

    europeans are the biggest betches of all time

    Posted on Reply
  33. American bitch says:

    so why are all you canadian girls wetting yourselves over an AMERICAN WEBSITE? sounds like your the ugly nice girls just trying to get some words in with the American bitches.. you can go shave your back now. Why would you even come onto a website (run by americans) to bitch about how much better Canada is? who gives a fuck about Canada really?? .... i meannn….. gross.

    Posted on Reply
  34. Ugh no. says:

    There is no entirely betchy country. Unless its tiny as fuck like greece or haiti (literally the opposite of betchy) there are too many shitty states/provinces/whatever. Fucking corn fields and cows are NOT betchy. Cities can be betchy. That’s it.

    Posted on Reply
  35. Wow says:

    Way to make America look so smart. It’s “you’re” not “your”

    Posted on Reply
  36. hmmm.. says:

    Betches, what is the malfunction? I loved this piece but it was posted in the future and its #163, not #63.  Still love you though.

    Posted on Reply
  37. C says:

    America is no longer rich or beautiful, its extremely bankrupt.

    Posted on Reply
  38. oops says:

    pamela anderson is canadian, hate to kill your buzz though. I guess ignorance is one of the things you’re notoriously superior on too?

    Posted on Reply
  39. confused betch says:

    look you’re country is awesome, but why insult italy when so many of you go to italy all the time?

    Posted on Reply
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