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By Betch Ivy Carter on

I took a solid chunk of time out of my very busy schedule of listening to Badlands 24/7 to do this review, so someone better fucking appreciate it.

In case you didn’t watch the VMA’s (probably a solid move on your part., tbh), you should know that after three hours of cringe worthy hosting, Miley Cyrus closed out the show with a surprise performance of a previously unheard song and then dropped her new album for free online. This is and ideal situation because there are about three albums a year I’ll spend actual money on, and this isn’t one of them.

I went into this review fully expecting a complete and total assault of my sensibilities in tune with that final, dreaded VMA performance. If we’re being honest, I think that’s what we were all ready for given the level of fuckery we’ve come to expect from Miley these past few years. Too my utter shock an relief, that’s not what I got.

It was hard to remember (and even harder to admit) in all that post VMA haze that, musically at least, I go hard as fuck for Miley Cyrus. You show me someone who didn’t like Bangerz and I’ll show you a liar who is hell bent on not enjoying their life. Bangerz was Miley’s Red: overwhelmingly emotional, all over the place, and wildly underrated. We won’t get into that now, or ever, because probably no one wants to listen to me rant about either of those albums.

Yes, collectively the album is weird as fuck. And yes, there are drug references aplenty. However, they aren’t the boasting pot proclamations of VMA Miley, but more so the mature, subtle references of someone who truly just doesn’t give a fuck what you think about their habits. Except for Dooo It! There is no explanation for that song.

Miley Cyrus and Her Dead Petz is kind of like a Fall Out Boy album in that you should pretty much ignore all of the song titles because they will only serve to confuse you. Unfortunately, that’s where the similarities end. Future reference for all famous musicians undoubtedly reading this article: everyone should try to be more like Fall Out Boy.

Obviously you’re going to form your own opinions on this album, as you should, but because you’re on this site I’m forced to assume that these opinions will verge on hateful and you will leave them in the comments section. Can’t wait. All I ask is this: go into the album with an open mind. It’s not pop, it’s not what you’re expecting, and it’s not terrible.

We picked a select few tracks to break down for you, because twenty three psychedelic, bass heavy electro-rock songs about sex and drugs (and yes, dead petz) is a lot for anyone to handle.

 

The Floyd Song (Sunrise)

 

This song is depressing af, and after a little research I realized it’s because it’s about her dead dog who’s untimely death occurred during the Bangerz tour. Even for a self-proclaimed ballad lover like myself, it was a little heavy.

 

Honestly, my entire family could be brutally murdered and I still don’t think I could pull together such a tragically heartfelt song. You may think that’s just me being a hyperbolic bitch, but…

 

Death, take me with you

I don't wanna live without my flower

You were saying?

Something About Space Dude

We’re now at our third acoustic ballad in a row and I’m starting to get confused. Is this a prank? Did Miley really get the last laugh? How fucking big can Liam Hemsworth’s dick be to warrant this much heartbreak?

Choice Lyric:

Something in the way you fuck me

You’re never fucking there.

Space Boots

Despite the second allusion to space, this one is pretty good. It’s still slower than we’ve come to expect from Miley, but there’s actually a story here opposed to the weird, Yoko Ono Twitter lyrics the rest of the album has been featuring thus far.

Every album needs one song about the guy that manages to, without fail, draw you back in and make you feel like shit at the same time.

Choice Lyric:

Every time we talk I feel like shit

I guess I was just tryin' to avoid letting myself feel like this

Cause it makes me feel like I might die

But every second I'm doing that anyway

BB Talk

This song is three verses of some kind of stream of consciousness/spoken word  bullshit with a classic chorus thrown in and it’s awesome. Usually I wouldn’t be down for anything this style, but listening to Miley Cyrus bitch about uncomfortable PDA is something I never knew I wanted (nay, needed) until I had it.

BB Talk verbalizes that struggle we know to well: date an asshole - bitch about how he treats you like shit - find nice guy who thinks the sun shines out your ass – realize you don’t know how to handle someone actually treating you right – come to resent him for being so nice to you – sabotage.

It’s the inner monologue you’ve spoken to yourself a 1000 times before, set to some synth with a beat.

Choice Lyrics:

Alright so I’m gonna be honest

It’s the super cutesy shit that’s the main issue here

I mean, I’m fucking what?

 

Fweaky

You know any song that starts with “Mike Will Made It” is about to be a banger. We’re finally getting into familiar Miley territory with Fweaky, a sultry crooner that sounds like a cross between Amy Winehouse’s spirit and Lana Del Rey’s style. Definitely a favorite.

Choice Lyric:

At your dad’s place, or at your moms


And if they’re both home, we can go out on the lawn


And I wanna walk around while wearing high heels


After we drank all night, and we done a bunch of pills


Bang Me Box

If you were ever wondering what kind of kinky shit Miley Cyrus is into, listen to this song. It’s got a lowkey 80’s glam vibe, but all of that was hard to focus on because she is literally asking you to “bang [her] box” and “finger [her] heart.”

 

Choice Lyric,  Honestly I could just paste the whole song here, but lets go with:

What are you doing to me


It's like you're a zookeeper setting animals free


You release me like a tiger that's been locked in a cage

Milky Milky Milk

I’ve never done acid so I don’t think I can full embrace this song. If you have, or are perhaps under the influence of a hallucinogenic drug right now, give it a listen and let me know how it goes.

Choice Lyric:

The milky, milky, milk


Your tongue licking me so hard


And from sucking on your nipples


Licking milky, milky stars

Slab of Butter (Scorpion)

I am almost angry that I enjoy a song with the chorus “I feel like a slab of butter that is melting in the sun” as much as I do and yet here I am, twenty three years old and still perplexed by my own taste in music.

Musically, Slab of Butter covers a whole lot of bases. It’s an ungodly amalgamation of electronic funk and gauzy synth pop that somehow just works. I don’t know why, but it does. Don’t question the powers that be (AKA Mike Will Made It).

This song would be ideal for dropping acid at a music festival. It is not, however, ideal for your 6:00 AM commute to work, which was the first (very confusing) time I listened to it.

Choice Lyric:

I feel like a slab of butter that I melting in the sun

Aggression melts away now that you and me are one

I Forgive Yiew

Nothing will ever compare to F U, the Bangerz era breakup song to end all breakup songs. I will stand by this statement until I die. But after all that anger dies out, what’s left? Apparently, zero fucks.

I Forgive Yiew is catchy and cathartic ;the next logical step in what was once a debilitating, messy breakup. The “go fuck yourself,” vibe is still there, but without all the anger and regret of F U. We might have to wait until the next album before we reach acceptance, but I’m more than fine with listening to a jaded Miley until then.

Choice Lyric:

How dare you bring another chick in my bed

You’re lucky I’m doing my yoga or you might be dead

Fucking same, Miley.

Tangerine

I was psyched to get to this song because I had heard that Big Sean’s verse was great, which it absolutely was. 10/10 Big Sean, you go Big Sean. It was so great, in fact, that I didn’t really notice Miley’s voice, which almost blends into the hazy Enya-esque backtrack.

Choice Lyric:

Seems like everyone I know is getting married

Everyone else getting buried

Life should come with a sign saying

“Results may vary”

Twinkle Song

When Miley Cyrus announced on live television that she was dropping a surprise album called Miley Cyrus and Her Dead Petz, this is the song you imagined. Lyrically at least, this song is the epitome of pot smoking, nipple flashing Miley: outlandish, confusing, and memorable.

Reminiscent of the Bee Gee’s I Started a Joke, Miley croons about dreams featuring Gumby shaped David Bowies and robbing record stores with lost loves before she breaks into an ear shattering and desperate “WHAT DOES IT MEAN.” The song is equal parts touching and nostalgic, and almost seemed too sweet of a note to leave the album on.

So naturally she had to close the song with a jarring minor chord and swift “fuck yeah.” Ugh, she’s just being Miley.

Choice Lyric:

And I had a dream

That you were dying

But I wasn’t even crying

I just sang you to sleep

I sang you to sleep

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