To the water droplets whom it may concern,
As I put down the prize of a morning well woken, I realize that a sticky puddle has redecorated the perfect clutter on my desk. Did I spill something already? No, this puddle is the result of you, the condensation on my #54 iced coffee.
Since the first time I tasted the delectable duo of ice cubes and coffee beans, you have plagued my very existence with your pervasive molten self. In a world where only the chic survive, how do you expect me to both nurture a frozen caffeine addiction and wear anything made of silk?
I am angry with your existence, an emotion I thought reserved only for two periods: exam and menstrual. I am confused as to how you could even exist. Does my cup have pores? If so, how does an inanimate object sweat? How is water born of plastic? I just don’t understand why this happens. Yeah sure, I could like find a nerd to explain it to me, but I mean more on an existential level.
You and your evil minion, the soggy napkin, conspire to bring negative energy to my iced drinking experience. If moisture is the essence of wetness and wetness is the essence of beauty, why are you so fugly?
LEAVE ME AND MY VENTI ALONE. You cause emotional nausea, anxiety of wetness and a profound need for a coaster. And if I wipe you down, you just come fucking back. You're the Chumbawamba of brunch.
So please in the name of all that is holy in our beloved betchdom, disa-fucking-pear forever. Nobody likes you. Everyone hates you. Except for soggy napkin, he's trying to fuck.
Sincerely yours,
I Respect Wood
P.S. I've found the solution. Styrofoam cups. Contrary to popular belief, plastic makes it impossible.
this is dumb and you obvz didn’t get the memo that betches don’t use any form of the word moist. ew
“If moisture is the essence of wetness and wetness is the essence of beauty, why are you so fugly?”
Posted on — ReplyHave you never seen Zoolander and his mermaid commercial?!! Gotta do some research I guess on the top ten fictional Douchebags
Posted on — ReplyOh look everyone! Allie commented again. Thanks for all of your insightful comments, Allie..
Posted on — ReplyEveryone has seen Zoolander, quoting doesn’t make that word acceptable…
Posted on — ReplyI feel bad for whoever had to write this post. It was painful enough to read sooo….I can only imagine
Posted on — Replygreat Larry David reference at the end - don’t think it went unnoticed, betches.
Posted on — Replywhen given the choice between watching my nails dry under the UV light and reading this post, I obvy should have gone with option 1.
Posted on — ReplyThe betches need to take some of their own advice and stop TTH.
This article is neither witty nor betchy. This website has gone downhill ever since they decided to produce a new fucking article every 20 minutes. Gone are the days when 3 or 4 well-written and hilariously relatable articles came out per week. What’s with the rapid expansion? Slow it down…this shit is just sloppy.
P.s. Styrofoam? This girl should be fired.
Posted on — ReplyI detest condensation on my cups and complain to anyone who will listen.My bf thinks I’m crazy- finally someone who shares my hatred! I knew I wasn’t alone in my plight against gross, drippy Starbucks and coffee bean cups!
Posted on — ReplyThis is my life, thank you for finally addressing this crime against all things silk and wood…ew I can’t even say the word….moi***re…(ew so revolting). My heros.
Posted on — ReplyI agree with ‘ew wtf is this’ seriously I used to get excited when I got a new article in my email, now I am close to dreading it. I keep hoping the betches will come through again but all hope may be lost, especially after this article! Moist, really? And styrofoam = so unbetchy.
Posted on — ReplyThe writer is proving her stupidity—not only for her lack of fairly basic scientific knowledge, but for poor writing skills and poor attempt to use the vernacular of a trailer-trash whore.
Posted on — Replyprops to this betch for reffing curb your enthusiasm
Posted on — ReplyThese letters are stupid! Why was the word delectable used?
Posted on — Replyyou betches are annoying as shit and your comments make this post impossible to enjoy. its effen funny take the stick out of ur a$$ and get a sense of humor. fuckin duh.
Posted on — ReplyLove it. So true.
Posted on — ReplyUMMM. Styrofoam cups are like super gross and bad for the environment. so STFU about the iced coffee and deal with it. It’s worth a little condensation which can feel nice if you set the iced coffee in your lap.
Posted on — ReplyAli**( spelled like a Betch.) This post is too funny and I died laughing. Bravo!
Posted on — ReplyYou betches clearly need a schooling…
Tell your barista to double cup your iced coffee that way your nectar can ‘sweat’ into the second cup. He/she may turn their nose up at you but they’re the one behind the counter, right?
Styrofoam is gross. Double cup in plastic and recycle!
Posted on — Replyare you all fucking kidding? pull a Kourtney and wrap the MF in a few napkins.
Posted on — Replyduh, always ask for a sleeve so your hands don’t get cold or, yuck, the M word
Posted on — Reply