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By The Betches on

Dear Sleepaway Camp,

As I watch my housekeeper pack up my younger siblings for their four-hour ride to the middle of nowhere, I realize that I sometimes long for the days of sand in my underwear. There was a time when I too made the journey to my overpriced summer home. Why my parents thought it would be a great idea to send me to a remote location in the woods for the price of a vacation at a five-star hotel, escapes my understanding. I do however thank them for spending the cost of a Birkin bag for me to develop friendships with people that I may never see again, or in some cases, only at drunken reunions in the city, or like, next summer.

With all due respect to camp, you are a horrible yet magical place. Like the bro who ignores my texts a solid quarter of the time, I'm fucking obsessed with you. Where else in the world can one destroy the American songbook piece by piece by changing the lyrics to describe your feelings for a place that forces you to pretend to enjoy competitive sports? This is not to say that we didn’t, because the opportunity to casually kick a bitch in the shins was a welcomed one. Soccer, horseback riding, campfire building and kayaking are all extremely dykey things that I pretty much foamed at the mouth to participate in. My competitive spirit doubled when that annoying nicegirl who was unfortunately placed in our bunk EVERY FUCKING YEAR despite us dis-requesting her, was on the opposite team and I was given the chance to completely humiliate her in a manly setting.

Besides making me question my prepubescent betchiness and making me enjoy things I wouldn’t be caught dead doing out of my camp uniform, I do appreciate the wonderful memories/life skills you have provided me with. I will be forever grateful for learning how to effectively hide my cell phone usage. Your “catering” service taught me how to properly commence a starvation diet and actively avoid any food in the shape of a seashell. I also learned the zipcodes of many Pennsylvania towns, that cleanup is for poor people, and that subtle bullying over a 2-month period can and will cause anyone I don't like to go the fuck home, including the poor Canadian counselor. My artistic abilities were vastly improved, as I will always be able to perfectly draw phallic imagery on the token whore's face in the dead of a dark and silent night.

So Camp, I would like to thank you for providing me with some of the best years of my life, without which I would never have learned to complain my way out of any activity. Thank you for putting me into direct contact with live bears, chipmunks and the end of my virginity. Thank you for teaching me how to play a part in a black market of candy, tampons and condoms. Thank you for the forced awkward 1950s style dances with the older boys' bunks. Thank you Thank you Thank you, you dirty son of a bitch.

We fucking love you <3333

Sincerely,

I live 10 for 2

 

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40 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. L says:

    “My artistic abilities were vastly improved, as I will always be able to perfectly draw phallic imagery on the token whore’s face in the dead of a dark and silent night.”

    hahaha yesssss. but horsebacking riding is not dykey! if anything, it’s slightly betchy.

    Posted on Reply
  2. Elle says:

    there still is sleepaway camp for adults…it’s called rehab…and not a 12 step hospital place, but one in the mountains/hawaii/sedona getting in touch with your self…Your welcome

    Posted on Reply
  3. aw says:

    YESSSSSS! melted my heart. spot on

    Posted on Reply
  4. LOL says:

    I live 10 for 2 with 18425 <3 on my aim profile

    Posted on Reply
    • umm says:

      umm unless you meant this ironically, who the f still uses AIM? it’s not 2005

      Posted on Reply
      • duh says:

        referring back to camp days obv

        Posted on Reply
      • E says:

        hahaha omg, seriously. aim…........

        Posted on Reply
    • omg says:

      LOL stop I went to Timber Tops also…or is this a PFC girl? sisters!

      Posted on Reply
      • CTT says:

        catalpa!

        Posted on Reply
      • ahhh says:

        PFCCCC

        Posted on Reply
      • CTT says:

        PAGODA!

        Posted on Reply
    • 03836 says:

      Camp Cody? Or Camp Robin Hood?

      Posted on Reply
  5. Anon says:

    What does I live 10 for 2 mean?

    Posted on Reply
    • ha says:

      If you don’t know you’re not a Betch. Or at least not a JAB.

      Posted on Reply
    • 10for2 says:

      Lol please don’t comment on this article if you don’t know what it is. Bye.

      Posted on Reply
    • 10for2 says:

      Don’t comment on this post if you don’t know. Bye.

      Posted on Reply
    • a nice person says:

      it means that you live the 10 months of the year for the 2 months that you are at camp

      Posted on Reply
  6. CS8 says:

    Camp Summit 4 lyfe!!! Best camp everrrrrrrrrr

    Posted on Reply
  7. canadian summer camp says:

    betchy? maybe. evidence in favor: the toronto JABs were all lululemon before it made its usa debut,

    Posted on Reply
    • Toronto JAB says:

      Yes but the Vancouver JABs had Lulu and Aritzia even before us Toronto betches did. Bottom line: Canadian JABs are the epitome of betch, obvi.

      Posted on Reply
  8. rachel says:

    hysterical. great post betches

    Posted on Reply
  9. says:

    04917

    Posted on Reply
  10. LGC says:

    lake greeley camp across shahola’s all boy camp

    Posted on Reply
  11. CLC says:

    18337 for life<333

    Posted on Reply
  12. Betch says:

    18054

    Posted on Reply
  13. vega says:

    04349!!!!!

    Posted on Reply
  14. jappyyy says:

    18469 bitchess….tylerrhilll

    Posted on Reply
  15. haiii says:

    Camp TAW and Wayfarer for life….NC has the best summer camps sorryy. thanks for the great post betches way to go

    Posted on Reply
  16. letstravelbetch says:

    IHC, betches <3 Totes agree on making the poor people go home…

    Posted on Reply
  17. yarden says:

    06757.
    to meet, to know ,to love, to part.

    Posted on Reply
  18. fgvtbetch says:

    camp white pine <3

    Posted on Reply
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