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By The Betches on

There are obviously spoilers of last night's episode, idiots.

Last night marked the end of a long and overwrought era of manipulation, high fashion, and completely unrealistic story arcs. And I'm not talking about the plus size edition of Say Yes to the Dress (that shit is unfortunately still going on). No, we're here to say goodbye to #73 Gossip Girl, a show we've grown so close to in the past 6 years that it's actually somewhat sad to imagine Monday nights without it. Granted, if the betchocalypse does happen on Friday, at least we can go with the best kept secret in TV's history, and confirmation that Dan Humphrey is actually a bigger fucking homo than we ever imagined.

That's right, Dan Humphrey is Gossip Girl, something I'm 85% sure Savage and Schwartz decided during an afternoon blaze sesh while rewatching the glory days of the OC. How else do we explain Rachel Bilson's cameo? Either way we were pretty shocked it was Dan - I had actually placed imaginary bets with myself that it was going to be Jenny and the reward of being correct was allowing myself to angrily IM my friends bragging that I KNEW IT and was so pissed off because it was so predictable and Jenny fucking sucks. Fortunately for my friends I was wrong.

Also I'd like to take a second to address the assholes who immediately set their Facebook statuses to OMG IT WAS DAN I KNEW IT DAN IS GG HOLY SHIT DAN I'M WRITING THIS IN CAPS BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO SEE IT SO THAT I WILL COME OFF COOL BECAUSE I'M BREAKING THE BIGGEST NEWS TO YOU SINCE THE TAKEDOWN OF BIN LADEN GO USA. 1. You are not cool. 2. Everyone hates you 3. In order to avoid you I watched Gossip Girl live, and had to endure countless and painful "sneak peaks into CW new series the Carrie Diaries," which looks like the worst show in the history of bad television.

Anyway, "irregardless," as my rando friend who didn't go to college (fine, my drug dealer) would say, let's talk about the show. The thing is, there's no question that Gossip Girl is absolutely absurd and Season 6 definitely doubled its absurdity but we all shadily love that about it. Like in order to enjoy GG you have to get past the utter illogicality of almost every single plot line. Like Chuck and Blair's pact to be together, Nate being unable to find a way around Bart Bass, Bart Bass in general, the horse/oil scandal I could barely follow, Serena looking exactly the same as she did in 11th grade, Jenny Humphrey looking even taller, Nelly Yuki's reappearance, Rufus dating Ivy Dickens, Ivy Dickens dating Serena's dad, Ivy Dickens being able to get through a scene without a cig, Nate happily dating a girl in high school, and the fact that that girl is actually pursuing a career in acting. Also, how Lion King was the time Bart Bass fell off the building? PLEASE SON!!

So there are a few things we have to mention, like Chuck and Blair's wedding outfits. Sorry but the only time you should see baby blue is on a fucking Easter egg. And the chances of Serena and Dan ever choosing to wed in their home are very small. Lily not giving a shit about Bart dropping dead (literally) was great. Baby Bass was the cutest thing I've ever seen, unlike Serena's wedding dress, which hurt my eyes while giving me ideas for Halloween 2013.  The way they got rid of Ivy was also perfect: called her crazy and escorted her out of the hotel. Great television. Also, what was up with Uncle Jack? Was it me or did he look like he was suffering from muscular dystrophy?

So, we're going to miss you Gossip Girl, in all your glory. We're going to miss Blair's amazing lines, Serena's chic outfits, Georgina Sparks (!), Dorota Dorota Dorota, Chuck's pastels and ascots, Nate's adorably dumbass face, and very little about Dan. XOXO Betches.

PS. Dan Humphrey is also A

24 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. thisbetch says:

    as an avid gossip girl and PLL fan, i must say the P.S. is my favorite part.

    Posted on Reply
  2. revenger says:

    my bets were always on declan AKA deck

    Posted on Reply
  3. Jacquelinejae says:

    What happened with Rufus and Lily? Cause their ending was confusing as shit.

    Posted on Reply
    • CV says:

      I’m pretty sure they didn’t end up together. William was there and so was some random in glasses that Rufus was hugging and sitting next to.

      Posted on Reply
      • Fucking duh says:

        The “random in glasses” was Lisa Loeb, another 90’s musician.  She was on an early episode of GG, and Rufus and she totally make sense together.  Obvi Rufus ended up with her, and Lily ended up with William.

        Posted on Reply
  4. say WHAT says:

    so i havent watched gossip girl past season 3 or 4, and i didnt watch the final episode. needless to say when i got on here: mind = blown

    Posted on Reply
  5. Your Name says:

    Slash any comment on Nate’s gross herp

    Posted on Reply
    • THANK YOU says:

      I thought I was the only one who noticed…

      Posted on Reply
  6. Sacki says:

    I always fucking thought it was Chuck the books make him out to be a way bigger homo than lonely boy Dan.

    Posted on Reply
  7. Zimba says:

    NICE LION KING CALL!! ahahaha

    ps—Betches—get an internal spam blocker so i dont have to type your mystery words out each time

    Posted on Reply
  8. Mackenzie says:

    wtf was on chace crawford’s lip…..

    Posted on Reply
  9. Mischa says:

    Mayor Bloomberg was the betchiest of all

    Posted on Reply
    • newyorker says:

      I agree, I don’t understand why there isn’t more talk about his appearance. Talk about how amazing he is…

      Posted on Reply
  10. UNCLE JACK says:

    Agreed about Uncle Jack. Something was totally off with him. He lost a lot of weight and seemed just not himself. You put it perfectly with muscular dystrophy.

    Posted on Reply
  11. krisitn says:

    Not to be h asshole here but around season two i said that it really seemed that da was gossip girl, my sister who looked at me like i was smoking crack made me doubt this, and now years later i said it at the beginning of the episode
    “Dan is gossip girl” when my sister yet again shook her head and said “no its jenny.”
    so after waiting until the very end of the episode i yelled a big suck it! and left the room xD

    I mean it was obvious the way dan wrote and made book deals while gossip girl wrote all of these witty remarks at the end of these post that usually made me smirk. ovi it was dan. HES THE WRITER. For christ sake, i mean freaking jenny couldnt think of something witty like that.

    Posted on Reply
  12. sara says:

    i’m obsessed with that elie saab!! & im such a blair/nate fan. the books are better!

    Posted on Reply
  13. M says:

    Serena’s wedding dress was hideous.

    Posted on Reply
    • g says:

      i think you mean *heinous

      Posted on Reply
  14. GG is A says:

    “Dan Humphrey is also A” - Best. Closing. Line. Ever.

    Posted on Reply
  15. bunnie says:

    I disagree betches, Blair and Chuck were perfection in the baby blue outfits

    Posted on Reply
  16. Your Name says:

    Nailed it! My thoughts exactly! It’s like you have ESPN or something…

    Posted on Reply
  17. As if says:

    Is it ok that I kept crying? GG was the anchor of betches going from high school premies to full fledged betches. Baby Henry was to die for xoxo

    Posted on Reply
  18. Your Name says:

    You guys did good with this one.

    Only thing that killed me was that Serena got married to that scheming sewer rat.
    The GOLDEN COUPLE got snubbed and i was not having it (SERENATE FOREVER)
    Gossip girl is the only show where the hottest character can end up alone and it somehow makes sense.

    Posted on Reply
  19. Ashley.sherms says:

    definitely one of my favorite articles from you guys! keep up the good work

    Posted on Reply
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