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By The Betches on

So we've talked a lot about #32 winning. But as relationships progress, you inevitably reach that stage where you've won so hard that you're actually in a relationship with a guy you like, who's also obviously obsessed with you.

Any misogynistic pro who's worth your time obviously thinks that being in a relationship means that he's finally locked down the ultimate hot betch who not only serves as delicious arm candy but someone who will always be there to critique your clothes and friends, in a loving way of course.

ps i love youP.P.S. Hil, This is the last movie you'll star in for a while.
This all becomes clear when your relationship gets to the milestone that makes any true betch simultaneously the happiest she's ever been and also the most nauseous: The reciting of the 'I Love Yous'. Ugh, no good can come from this shit.

When to say it: Everyone has heard that horror story of that betch who thought she had her game in the bag and initiated that unreturned I Love You. The amount of losing that accompanies this is more depressing than watching a sad slut try to get laid at the bars. You should think of saying "I love you" first like you would volunteering to do the dishes after your housekeeper makes dinner. Something no sane person would EVER FUCKING DO.

The drunken I love you: Let's talk about the oh so annoying drunken I love you. It doesn't fucking count and you should not say it back unless he says it again sober the next morning. You'll come across the betch who claims, OMG he had 15 tequila shots, vommed all over my toilet seat and then swore he loved me as I fed him bread and water between fits of him urinating in my bed! We're meant to be I just knew it! I can't wait to tell our grandchildren about our first sober kiss! Little does she know that this bro would probably proclaim love to an orangutan if it promised to go down on him in his drunken stupor.

So, what if he says 'I love you' sober but you know you don't really love him? As flattering as that is, this situation is mucho awkz. Congrats, you've snagged yourself a back burner boyfriend. If a guy is saying he loves you and you don't feel it back, you know there's something wrong, like when your dad starts to review your credit card bill, or your period is 10 days late.

barneyThere's a reason why no one wants to fuck Barney

Do you still say it back? It's awkward not to say it back, so it's ok to tell this white lie. It's one of the few situations where it's not worth it to hurt his feelings, especially if your birthday is soon and you want him to get you something great. Also, who's to say you don't love this bro? I mean, you love your besties and you love froyo, why shouldn't the guy who gives you jewelry and orgasms deserve the same term of endearment?

The line is drawn at falsely saying "I'm in love with you," which is a very different story. I love you means "I actually care about you and want to continue hooking up with you." I'm in love with you means I like you so much I'd give up Diet Coke or the life of my fat cousin for you...oh, and I'd gladly stab any bitch who I see talking to you at the bars.

Being "in love": is a whole new playing field. This shit is deep. Though betches rarely show feel emotion or affection (other than when your mom surprises you with a spa getaway or you find out the Casey Anthony story will be exploited on Lifetime...yayy), it's not betchy to be an old cat-loving spinster, so the goal is obviously to find a bro who you love enough and is still a good actual fuck after mindfucking is out of the equation.

This is totally normal and cool as long it's a mutual thing. Otherwise, you're on a one way ticket to losertown, population: single you. We say bullshit to women who like to call themselves "independent" and "modern" as they claim they don't want to get married. Whatevski though, more guys for us. It's really no secret that all betches want to get married, however it is a secret that we're shadily casually into romantic shit.

So betches, 10 Thing I Hate About You taught us that while you can like your Sketchers, true love is reserved for things like your Prada backpack and a bro who gets your stomach turning every time you smell his cashmere sweater. Feelings that make even the strongest of betches feel out of control are usually frowned upon, but for love we'll make an exception.

And for all you bros out there who can't help but shout it from the rooftops, we get it...If loving us were wrong we wouldn't want to be right either.

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29 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Anonymous says:

    Loved it.. Punt intended. It’s true, every betch wants to get married eventually.. But obvi it’s hard to find that someone since we don’t settle! Nice “work” betches!

    Posted on Reply
  2. CA says:

    “you know there’s something wrong, like when your dad starts to review your credit card bill, or your period is 10 days late.” ahaha loves it. so true!

    Posted on Reply
  3. bbb says:

    punt…

    Posted on Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    Punt? really? this ain’t football honey.

    Posted on Reply
  5. anonymous says:

    Punt intended? Seriously?

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    pun*

    ...you dumb bitch

    Posted on Reply
  7. QUEENBETCH says:

    Does her incorrect spelling of the word “pun” really offend you that much? Chill out and invest in some Xanax stat, angry bitch.

    Posted on Reply
  8. BETCH says:

    So not betchy….

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    “there’s a reason why no one wants to fuck barney.”

    Posted on Reply
  10. betchamissme says:

    she was probably kidding, like all the other funny betches on this site

    Posted on Reply
  11. betchamissme says:

    honestly this post makes some small non-caffeinated non-adderalled part of me just a little bit nostalgic. i can’t even remember the last time i felt like this. but relationships are so risky and inherently unbetchy…. the quintessential betch paradox

    Posted on Reply
  12. betchamissme says:

    jerry sandusky probs does. too soon?

    Posted on Reply
  13. heartlessbetch says:

    although this article frames the topic of love in a betchy light, ive got to agree theres nothing less betchy than being in a relationship

    Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:

    i had a hot bro (note: not pro, i’m in college) for two years and he got fucking weird like six months ago so i dumped him. however, we totally were obsessed with eachother (he more obsessed with me, but i was def in love with him too) so this post makes me a tad nostalgic, BUT i have been having a bitchin time being the post break-up betch. love the post!! don’t know why i shared all that… cool story, hansel

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  15. lovingbetch says:

    I was literally having this dilemma all week, thank you for clarifying “love” vs “in love!”

    Posted on Reply
  16. betchamissme says:

    you should stop embarassing yourself by trying to promote your random ass site here. and nobody says fab

    Posted on Reply
  17. Clever betch says:

    So clever. This makes it so obvi that I can get away (morally not just socially) with confessing “love” without being tied down. Genius. Gotsta use the L word with so many holidays approaching. Fucking duh smile

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    love 10 things I hate about you

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    This post was almost as nauseating as watching “Nights at Rodanthe” ... Vom.com… Can’t we talk about something funny? Such as how Mischa Barton has been reduced to playing a fat prostitute on Law and Order:SVU. Maybe she said “I love you” preemptively…

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  20. Sara says:

    No one gives a shit.

    Posted on Reply
  21. Anonymous says:

    LOVE IT

    please do anti-lady gaga post? pretty please? thanks

    Posted on Reply
  22. gush says:

    I am usually 100% on piont with you betches but sketchers are for poor people and baby mommas…

    Posted on Reply
  23. sarah says:

    omg thank you so much. i was trying to convince my bestie why saying the l-word first was a total skank move and she just DID NOT get it. thank you betches.

    Posted on Reply
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