By The Betches on

So recently there is a 3D movie craze that everyone is obsessed with. Along with the American public's hard on for motion pictures with multiple dimensions comes the re-release of some old faves like Toy Story 3D and a movie that lasted four hours on screen and forever in our hearts. That's right. We're excited to re-see a movie we already re-see every time we're hungover and it's on TNT. Get your tissues and 30 mg Adderalls ready betches, Titanic is back.

If there's one thing universal to betchhood, it was a moderate to extended childhood obsession with Titanic. If you don't have any pics of you and your third grade besties reenacting the front of the ship scene, it means you had no friends to do this with.

titanic

The reasons we love it should be obvious. Titanic is all about a cruise full of rich British people coming to #63 America to spread teatime and hats. And though this cruise also brought some povos, that problem was solved when they hit an iceberg and oops, we only brought enough lifeboats for the rich people! Like a 1912 version of Occupy Wall Street, the poor bros on the ship refused to shut the fuck up and had to annoy the rich people into giving them life vests despite their very generous offer to have violins playing while they drowned.

Let's talk about Rose. During this 4 hour film she sports no less than 6 different last names, but she starts off the movie not as a betch, but as a boring bitch. Aside from being named Rose after like, everybody's great-grandmas, she's also from the unbetchy city of Philadelphia and only marrying control freak Billy Zane because she's in debt. Technically this makes her even more poor than Jack, but she's not into Billy no matter how many heart necklaces he gives her. Your standard betch would've gone for douchebag pro Zane and wouldn't really be into the whole idea of 'spitting really far' as a fun date. Also, no betch would be that good with an axe.

And come on, you dropped the Heart of the Ocean necklace off the dock? Are you dumb?! Do you know how many Birkins you can buy with that thing? Probably one, but still. We know because we've seen on those infomercials that you can get it in 45 installments of $22.99, so it's clearly very elite and expensive.

titanicWe feel you Joey

But Rose's inner betch emerges, starting with her overdramatic BSCB suicide attempt. Like chill attention whore, there's no way you're gonna do it, there's 3 hours of movie left! Some time around the 2-hour mark she perfects #42 dressing like a slut in expensive jewelry, and by the end she's completely turned, letting Jack die while she takes a snooze on her little raft. Like what, they couldn't switch off? Bitch couldn't give it to him for like a minute and a half? When she said never let go she meant as long as her fingers were toasty.

Anyway, R and J's five day affair has since been named the most romantic movie of like, life. But it's interesting to us that everyone seems to think that Jack is all perfect because he's really hot, good in bed, and a nice guy with a soul. Au contraire losers, don't be fooled by his shitty clothes and artsy charcoal sketches. Jack is your typical #53 shady asshole disguised in bohemian garb.

Ever notice how he constantly calls Rose out for a being a bitch, makes her jealous of his hot Paris prostitutes, and conveniently gets it in by day four? We get that they were distracted by the iceberg after their really classy car tryst, but we promise he wasn't THAT into her after she gave it up. Take this post-coital exchange, right before the iceberg hits:

Rose: When the ship docks, I'm getting off with you.

Jack: This is crazy.

Rose: I know. It doesn't make any sense. That's why I trust it. [Cue making out]

titanic

See how he doesn't really answer because he never actually invited her to come? He's sooo #82 over it. Take this other example of his undying shadiness, even as he's about to literally die.

Rose: I love you, Jack.

Jack: Don't you do that, don't say your good-byes. Not yet, do you understand me?

In this scene, his body temperature is rounding 50 and still he's beating around the bush. If Jack had somehow miraculously survived, Delusional Rose would've been on the chase for years. The bro was 20 for fuck's sake! She was 17! Crazy cakes also told the guy at the end of the movie that her name was Rose Dawson. Did she really think this was like, a lifetime thing? We'd go so far to say he willingly gave her the door to lay on because he'd rather die than settle down before 30.

Don't agree? You mad we ruined your favorite romance? Don't want to believe it?  Revolutionary Road aka Titanic 2 shows us what an abortion their marriage would've been. So when you see Titanic again, pay careful attention to Jack's game. Typical shit from your typical bro on his typical vaca. We'd bet a third class ticket on the Titanic that his dying thoughts on that icy Atlantic night went something like: Fuck, this is some lose-lose shit, it's either die now or move in for life with a bitch I fucked once on Spring Break. Pop a Xany Rose, your heart will go on.

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29 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. RFTL says:

    I was always kind of annoyed by her, but admired her betchy rebellion. It didn’t dawn on me until now that the woman was being led on in a sickly pathetic way. I wonder how their text message conversation would have gone down….

    http://ringfingertanline.com

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  2. Anonymous says:

    After my freshman roommate recited every line of this movie word for word (including all one line extra’s dialogue as well) I never thought I could take any enjoyment in titantic again, until now. Thanks Betches!

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  3. Gtownbetch says:

    Im prob the only person that thought Cal was hotter.

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  4. Anonymous says:

    I’m going to rewatch Titanic with your take on Jack in mind, and possibly like it better.

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  5. Anonymous says:

    Even though you again had to put down Philly (wtf betches), possibly the funniest post of all time. Thanks for pointing out that Jack is the ultimate SAB and Rose was just delusional as fuck. Can’t wait to re-watch with this new insightful outlook. Amazing.

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  6. Anonymous says:

    “When she said she’d never let go, she meant as long as her fingers were toasty” my thoughts exactly. That annoying bitch deserved it. flawless, betches. Love this post.

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  7. Anonymous says:

    I noticed parts of your Jack theory last time I watched but didn’t give it much thought. Obviously, you’re right and this was hilarious. One of your best.

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  8. Anonymous says:

    who the HELL do you think you are bitching about how annoying the titanic is? news flash sweetie, has it ever occured to you that your jealous? Your probably some little bitch who sits at home everynight alone wishing she had someone like that. be a real betch and stop being so jealous.

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  9. messy says:

    THIS IS HILARIOUS.

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  10. AZbtch says:

    by “someone like that” do you mean a broke-ass mediocre sketch artist from WISCONSIN who probably got syphilis from one of his french girls??

    also, “your” probably effing retarded. buh-byeeeeee.

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  11. Anonymous says:

    I always knew Jack was a shady asshole.  He never once says I love you to her in the movie…so typical

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  12. Anonymous says:

    looolll shit’s gettin’ real!

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  13. DropTopBMs says:

    Was awesome. So so betchy.

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  14. Anonymous says:

    Wow, you sound illiterate AND insane. Bad combo.

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  15. Anonymous says:

    I haaaate when people write “sweetie”

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  16. Lisa says:

    Titanic is my fave movie of all time, and this post is great! Occupy Wall Street reference? Perfection. Can’t wait to relive fourth grade in 3D, haha.

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  17. wow says:

    Hahahaha wow I never looked at it that way…I guess Jack was like the olden days version of a hipster and/ or artsy backpacker. They act all nice but are assholes on the inside. ;p

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  18. lol says:

    okay i don’t know if you guys know….but…..its a movie

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  19. Anonymous says:

    hahahahaha so jealous of a fictional romance!

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  20. Your Momma says:

    James,  I understand you made a ton of money, and the movie wasn’t bad when I first saw it, but no amount of calling me jealous or sweetie will make me go and see it just becuase it is in 3D and you changed some stars because the planetarium guy realized they didnt’ match that year.

    And don’t get me started on that guy….he killed Pluto!  when I was a kid, there were 9 planets, and I don’t care what Neil Degrassi High Tyson says, Pluto…...

    I’ll never let go!

    ....not like Rose who knocked Leo into the bottom of the ocean as soon as his hands were a little clammy

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  21. Your Momma says:

    James, I understand you made a ton of money, and the movie wasn’t bad when I first saw it, but no amount of calling me jealous or sweetie will make me go and see it just becuase it is in 3D and you changed some stars because the planetarium guy realized they didnt’ match that year.

    And don’t get me started on that guy….he killed Pluto! when I was a kid, there were 9 planets, and I don’t care what Neil Degrassi High Tyson says, Pluto…...

    I’ll never let go!

    ....not like Rose who knocked Leo into the bottom of the ocean as soon as his hands were a little clammy

    Posted on Reply
  22. Anonymous says:

    no Cal is fucking gorgeous

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  23. Girl says:

    Go ahead and bitch about the movie, but don’t bitch about the ship. People seriously lost their lives and you’re just making fun of them? You’re sick.

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