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By The Betches on

So let's talk about one of our favorite topics: ourselves and why everyone wants to be us. We're surprised there aren't college courses devoted to the life and times of us.

But every once in a while you should take a break from thinking about yourself to let everyone else know. We're not saying you should talk about yourself excessively, it's a subtle thing. Betches aren't rude, we wouldn't interrupt our bestie when she's crying about her parents' divorce. Instead, you can use these few moments of peace to think about how amazing it is to be you.

While a nice girl might often express interest in things like other people, their problems, their concerns, things that are going on in the world, fascist dictators, #5 skinny toddlers in North Korea, and other bullshit; a betch knows the truth. Nice girls do this only because they are boring and no one would ever want to talk about them anyway. As much as they're not into having a conversation about themselves, we're into it even less.

 

george w bush"I can't hear you over how awesome I am"

 

Why would I talk about anything else but myself? Can you come up with a better topic? Everyone knows that everyone in the room would rather listen to the most meaningless aspect of your life than a saga about the most meaningful part of someone else's.

The only exception is when you have an inside joke about someone. Great, now we can talk about someone else without straying away from topic #1, me. Not branching out makes it easier to talk about yourself because everyone knows what you're talking about, because you've been friends forever, because betches #107 don't branch out.

However, if you run into the unfortunate predicament in which the topic being discussed is no longer about you, there are easy ways to steer the conversation back to yourself. Here's how:

Comparing Your Situation to Others': Who wants to listen to Jenny's incessant #80 bitching about Kevin being an asshole to her when you can bitch about a guy who's an asshole to you? You might insert: Guys are such douchebags, it reminds me of the time when Jason tried to surprise me on our anniversary...he knows I hate surprises!

 

gone fishingfor compliments

 

If ever in a situation where your grandpa is telling you he's been diagnosed with Parkinson's and you find yourself bringing the convo back to your chapped lips, you know you've mastered the art of conversation.

Bring Up Something You Have Expertise or Higher Knowledge Of: Here's a chance to express your strong and correct opinions without making it seem like the conversation is about you, even though it is. It's a way of getting to talk about your experiences without seeming too narcissistic.

Your family can't afford to go skiing this break? Don't worryyyyy you can totally come to Aspen with me, Shaun White invited us to some party this year -it's probs gonna be so fucking lame.

You're going abroad to Seville? Omg, it was like sooo amazing I can tell you allll the best clubs in Alfafa without actual Spaniards in them, and the name of the drug dealer who speaks English! Ugh, miss it.

Have you guys been to Bar Basque? My uncle owns it.

Fishing for Compliments: Betches don't fish for compliments, they go deep-sea diving. You could go the obvious route on this one, like if you just got highlights you can ask your besties how incredible you look blonde. Or, you can go with the general putdown (Ugh, do you think my highlights are too bright? You know, because of my tan), in full awareness of the immediate protests to the contrary. Omg, no fucking way, it looks amazing, you look like Blake Lively.

Complaining About Your #104 Token Hated Body Part: The token hated body part is a last ditch effort to make the conversation about you. If this fails, text your mom.

So betches, why is this post different from all other posts? Honestly, it has been long overdue because knowing you're the greatest is a major tenet of being a true betch. I mean, have you read our tagline? So obviously you want to maximize your time talking about the greatest topic you know: you and why everyone wants to be you.

 

 

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56 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Anonymous says:

    couldn’t have said it better myself. the bridesmaids video was wonderful

    Posted on Reply
  2. Wow says:

    I love your blog and usually am never offended by anything you write…I think it’s all hilarious, but the picture you chose for this blog is seriously inappropriate. That was a devastating moment for America, President Bush, and especially all of those who lost loved ones that day. It seriously distracts from your article, and is really offensive.

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    agreed. terrible picture choice.

    Posted on Reply
  4. anonymous says:

    love you betches but the picture is totez inapro.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    I agree about the picture.. I love W as much as any southern betch but that pic is soo sad.

    Anyways, lol’d HARD when you mentioned #5 skinny toddlers… is that bad? and the bridesmaids vid is fucking perfection. Well, since there are already so many unbetchy haters that whine about your totally betchy posts, I can only imagine what they will say about the pic (the betches above know how to complain about the pic- its just an innaprope choice). So let the h8rz begin…. but totally betchy post. This comment is too long and I’m tired/bored sooo…bye

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    Yeah that Pres Bush pic is so un-betchy…its just ignorant. Why can’t you just stick to Mean Girls? Kthxbye.

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    TOTES not ok.  loves me some betches but that is just distasteful.

    Posted on Reply
  8. Paris says:

    Love the picture. Obviously the reason for its existence is extremely upsetting, but out of context…that face. #thatawkwardmomentwhen

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    please change the picture

    Posted on Reply
  10. Montreala says:

    I’m not even American, but that picture is just not ok.
    You should actually take it down.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Montreala says:

    everyone understands why it WOULD be funny.
    Except it isn’t?

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    agreed, picture is extremely distasteful. I’ve loved every single picture and post on this site, but this is just plain offensive

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    #2 not keeping up with the news…it’s just a picture. quit crying

    Posted on Reply
  14. Amanda says:

    Do you even know what that picture is from? You should be disgraced. #neverforget

    Posted on Reply
  15. kbetch says:

    Bridesmaid vid is hilarious BUT actually a better one is the birthday toast from “Something Borrowed.”  Kate Hudson is such a betch and totes makes nice girl, Ginnifer Goodwin’s birthday all about her!

    Posted on Reply
  16. kbetch says:

    okay…yes the picture is “distasteful” but get over it! the head betches do what they want and if you have a problem, you should make your own website this is as amazing as this.

    Besides, save the freakouts for a true tragedy like scuffing your louboutins and stop worrying about a less-than-PC photo.  If you get wrinkles, it’s not the head betches’ fault.

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anon says:

    That was the moment the President was told about the planes striking the twin towers, the moment people were screaming and jumping out of windows to avoid being burned alive, the moment when people lost their children, parents, husbands, wives, friends, fiances, etc. I’m going to be a real betch here and ask how far your head is up your ass?

    Great post but extremely inappropriate picture. I lost a lot of respect for this blog for being incredibly insensitive.

    Rest in Peace to all those lost on 9/11 & thereafter resulting from that tragic day.

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    usually this blog is hilarious but seriously you should take that picture down its inappropriate

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    omg coincidence .. i was completely offended by your fucking lack of a sense of humor but then i realized youre prob ugly and boring and i laughed wink

    Posted on Reply
  20. anonymous says:

    i hate you. i love america and i love the betches but i hate you.

    do less.

    Posted on Reply
  21. Anonymous says:

    See post #63, then check yourselves betches. This picture choice is most definitely in poor taste. Not keeping up with the news does not give you an excuse to mock a tragic event in the very country that grants you the privilege to express and publish your opinion. I was under the impression that this was supposed to be an entertainment site written with satirical undertones, not a political outlet for ignorant bloggers. Please develop some cultural sensitivity and understand that 9/11 is no laughing matter.

    Posted on Reply
  22. Anonymous says:

    Trashy….also not a betch quality.  Leave.

    Posted on Reply
  23. anonymous says:

    couldn’t agree more. read the blog all the time, usually laugh at the haters who comment, but this picture is absolutely awful.

    Posted on Reply
  24. Anonymous says:

    You’re right! The 10 year anniversary just passed and we have no sense of humor! Get a fucking grip on reality and show some respect scumbag. Oh and you’re also right..anyone who takes offense MUST be ugly and boring, oh and fat too.

    Posted on Reply
  25. Shut up whiners says:

    Hey complainers, get over it.  The irreverence in this post is hysterical.  If you aren’t down, get the fuck out.

    Posted on Reply
  26. Real betch says:

    You’re last two posts were terrible. There’s a difference between being a betch n being ignorant, stupid, and insensitive to serious topics that greatly effect many Americans and many of your readers. I’m actually appalled that this picture is still up. I once thought this blog was hilarious and I thought the writers were funny as hell and clever, but lately you guys Are looking pretty dumb. And remember if any of you stupid bitches who can’t think for yourselves comment this, I.dont.care.

    Posted on Reply
  27. Anonymous says:

    Please take this picture down.

    Posted on Reply
  28. Anonymous says:

    and anyone that doesnt care about a fucking picture must be a scumbag haha.. you take things wayyyy to fucking seriously

    Posted on Reply
  29. Anonymous says:

    im sure she knows what the picture is from #idiot
    she obs just doesnt care about being pc

    Posted on Reply
  30. Anonymous says:

    good God with this fucking picture .. get the fuck over it . this website isnt some politically correct blog that caters to youu serious herbs ..it’s a satirical thing and they push the limits .. take an effing joke ... oo and please comment about how 911 is not a joke blah blah .. i KNOW but this picture is funny in the context .. they did the same thing with irene and foxy knoxy ..deal with it or dont read it

    Posted on Reply
  31. Anonymous says:

    omg shut the fuck up it’s funny learn to laugh

    Posted on Reply
  32. new yorker says:

    can’t believe you used this picture. didn’t think being TACKY was a betch quality.

    gross.

    Posted on Reply
  33. Anonymous says:

    Thie picture isnt disrespecting 9/11… Its making fun of how ritarted Bush was, hence contributing to the satire of the post.
    Goddamn arent u commenters late for ur poli-sci class??

    Posted on Reply
  34. Anonymous says:

    Seriously? Betches have class. That picture reeks of ignorant bitches with no respect for their country or the lives lost on that tragic day. Take it down, rise up, and be the betches we thought you were.

    Posted on Reply
  35. Anonymous says:

    Could not have said it better myself.

    Posted on Reply
  36. Anonymous says:

    did you just spell retarded ritarted? wow. you can go shave your back now.

    Posted on Reply
  37. Anonymous says:

    Seriously?  It’s a fucking picture…get over it betches.

    Posted on Reply
  38. Anonymous says:

    If you don’t like it, don’t read it. I doubt anyone is forcing you.  Ps. Bush has some betch qualities…everything he got in life was bc of his dad. Totally the lucky sperm club on that one

    Posted on Reply
  39. nyc says:

    coming from nyc, and seeing the devastation this caused, no this is more than pushing the limits. Many people lost family, lives, and other tragic events occurred that day. I don’t find a picture of W being posted about “talking about yourself” even being remotely satirical, it’s un-American, and clearly so are you.

    Posted on Reply
  40. nyc says:

    Get over 9/11? I’m a heartless NYC betch, but never for something like this. Classless.

    Posted on Reply
  41. Jen says:

    the pic is referring to bush’s not giving a fuck about americans. not offensive. just a very relevant allusion…

    Posted on Reply
  42. GW... says:

    Its not about 911..of course that was a terrible tragedy. The picture is getting at how much of a dumbass Bush is. Worst mistake our country ever made electing that arrogant jackass

    Posted on Reply
  43. Picture says:

    Not a fan :(  Change

    Posted on Reply
  44. Rachel says:

    if this offended you, im willing to be other things on this website have too. get a fucking life and read something else if you don’t like it

    Posted on Reply
  45. Anonymous says:

    No one is disrespecting anyone. The Betches are probs sitting behind their computers laughing while watching the mayhem of stupid comments put up by fugly complainers that care too much. They’re making fun of a face, not a tragedy. They’re not going to take the picture down, that would probably take too much effort. Everyone needs to grab a fucking iced coffee, pour a halfsie of Svedka in it, and move on with their betchy lives.

    Posted on Reply
  46. #poliscibetch says:

    Ok bitches, not keeping up with the news doesn’t give you the right to cry over a picture… the image isn’t making fun of 9/11, it’s referencing Bush as the king of not giving a fuck about anything and solely talking about oneself

    Posted on Reply
  47. Anonymous says:

    scuffing your louboutins does not come close to losing a father.  I really hope that some day you eat those words.

    Posted on Reply
  48. NYCGIRL says:

    I hope whoever put that disgusting picture up gets a plane through their face and then puts the pic up and we can make a new category on the betch list called THOSE WHO NEED PLASTIC SURGURY and we’ll put the picture of her face!!! smile

    whores.

    Posted on Reply
  49. Sarah says:

    There are betches out there who love some George W.  I’m not loving the use of the glamour shot of President Bush in this context.  That’s the moment he got word the Twin Towers were hit on 9/11!  I vote changing that photo!

    Posted on Reply
  50. Anonymous says:

    everyone shut up about the picture, you’re all pathetic!!!

    Posted on Reply
  51. becky says:

    i love the article and especially the rest of them, but that picture with george w. is when he was being told that the plane hit the world trade center…. to me that is terrible and disgraceful to our country.

    Posted on Reply
  52. Marisa says:

    bush not giving a fuck? are you fucking serious? look at this fucking idiot running our country now and look at the facts and then you will see. you ignorant betch. conservative is betchy not liberal. get your facts straight and leave america. bye.

    Posted on Reply
  53. flanonymous says:

    whilst all your arguments are valid, there are a lot of jocks out there with no skinny betch-lips around their cocks. 

    for shame.  GET OUT THERE BETCHES, AND DO AS GOD INTENDED!

    Posted on Reply
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