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By The Betches on

Okay so while we’ve all seen The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants which taught us that with a little magic, it's possible for fat girls to share jeans with Alexis Bledel, real betches know that sisters are the besties who have zero chance of winding up on your WYDEL.

Betches love sisters because, like our #52 Gay BFFs, sisters can and will be totally honest with you. As someone in your direct bloodline, they actually give a shit about what others have to say about you. It's a genetic fact that your sister shares more DNA with you than any other human being in the world including your mother and children. Unless of course you have another sister, in which case it’s a tie. So the question is, am I going to let someone go out representing my genes in fucking hideous jeans? NO fucking way. And that’s the beauty of sisters.

olsensAnother use for sisters - finding the loophole in child labor laws

Sure, as friends who live in such close proximity and who have a bigger cap for honesty, you’re going to a fight. A lot. You know you have a little sister and not just a friend when you see her stroll down the stairs in one of your brand new sweaters and you don't hesitate to scream, “Take off my fucking sweater bitch! Did I give you permission to wear that? It doesn’t even fit your fucking mosquito bite sized boobs!

As your sister, she will now have to go back and change after replying, “you’ll see how much you’ll be bitching when you’re an unmarried bridesmaid at my wedding, you old ass whore.” If this were your friend you’d have to bite your tongue or like, tell her nicely to take it off. Ew.

However, no matter how much you and your sister fight, it’s universal sister code that if someone talks shit about your sister, you do not hesitate to punch them in the fucking face or hook up with their boyfriend. “I can talk shit about my sister but YOU can’t you fucking loser outsider! Come back when you inherit our family’s ridiculously perfect looks and brains, stupid bitch."

While we realize that you don’t have to have a sister to be a betch, it definitely helps. Some sisters are notoriously attached at the hip and do fucking everything together. In this case you want to look alike, because she's the bestie you'll be taking with you for your entire life so you want to make sure she's pretty. However you definitely want to be at least slightly more attractive so when people inevitably compare you you're known as "the prettier sister."

If you have a younger sister, you can teach her the ways of betchdom and hope she follows in your footsteps.

If you have an older sister, it’s definitely part of the reason you are the betch you are today, hopefully getting guidance in fields like fashion, not fucking bros, and how to manipulate your parents into giving you everything you want.

pipaPippa: I may be holding your train but at least I still get to go clubbing

It’s also a known fact that parents will pay for and let sisters do anything together in the name of “bonding.” “Mom can we go to Ibiza for the weekend pleaseeee?! We just REALLY need to talk about Lauren’s latest break-up, and what nursing home we’re going to put you in when you stop making money!”

If you’re the youngest of more than two sisters, be prepared to be the sibling bitch and have to do things like running to get the car keys, getting last shower on family vacas, and having anything nice you get ‘borrowed from you.’ Don’t feel bad though, this means you lucky enough to have older amazing betches to look up to and copy.

So betches, be thankful and nice to your sister. Unless she’s being annoying or selfish, in which case take advantage of it and project your anger onto her. Sisters are for life. From the Obamas to the Olsens to the Hiltons, there’s no one more worthy of a loan or your attention than the betch who saw your boyfriend sneak into your room when your parents were sleeping and didn’t say anything.


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19 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    that dress is really ugly… hahaha

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  2. The Betches says:

    her sisters dress was much prettier!

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  3. The Betches says:

    I will absofuckinglylutely punch snatch in her face if she talks down to one of my three sisters. I’ve also been know to personally call bro’s who cause heartache to my sibs and let them know exactly what a fat/ugly/dumb f**k they are. I love being an older sister.

    On a serious note, I was able to live with one of my sisters for about 10 months before she moved south for her job and went through a minor spell of depression when she left. Aging has infinitely increased my love and appreciation for my family.

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  4. The Betches says:

    This is so true!!! I have two younger sisters and we have conversations all the time like the ones you mentioned!!! Great post!

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  5. The Betches says:

    Screaming cursing betch brawls over clothes was the soundtrack of my teenage years… I love my sisters. You left out the best part… Theyre the only people who tell you when youre getting fat and who will stab another bitch for calling you fat <3

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  6. The Betches says:

    ^Sooooo true. My twin sister is the best betch I know… Obvz we get into betchfights over clothes every time we get dressed, but it’s because of her that I get twice the wardrobe. …and a fashion police on standby at all hours. Loved this post, sisters forlyfe, literally.

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  7. The Betches says:

    Twice the wardrobe and twice the shoes, being a twin and a betch makes us super betchy – Not to mention the little sister has two betches to emulate while we betchfight over the clothes she steals from our closets.

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  8. The Betches says:

    My sister threw a butter knife at me once. But I still love the bitch.

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  9. The Betches says:

    Great post.. nothing better than sisterhood!

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  10. The Betches says:

    okay i agree with this but honestly… how the fuck could you write this without making a kardashian reference? #baddestbetches

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  11. Sister says:

    This post is insanely true. As a betch, I try to teach my sister the way of betchdom, and she totally always has my back. We look alike, but I’m obv the prettier one (her friends rant about how pretty I am). She’s literally my side kick and I can make her as cool as I want—she lives for my opinion.

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  12. dadofsisters says:

    I have watched them fight and close ranks in a heartbeat when someone else chimes in. Protective,longest fight they have ever had they timed it at 21 seconds. Where you got me is the parent enabling thang. at 23 and 21 they have already made two trips to Europe together for"bonding. I guess Ibeza is next?????

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  13. Anonymous says:

    I gave my sister a black eye. we’re obviously betches.

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  14. bigsisbetch says:

    this is my sister and i… like we fight all the time but obvi we are going to tell each other the fucking honest truth when they are about to leave the house looking like a poor bitch. “So the question is, am I going to let someone go out representing my genes in fucking hideous jeans? NO fucking way.” I am loving teaching my little sister the ways of betchdom and she better fucking take after me because we look like twins…

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  15. seestor says:

    Ahahaha!! I threw a butter knife at my sister one time too. I felt bad afterwards, but she really did deserve it!

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  16. Southern Betch says:

    I tried to teach my younger sister to be a betch but she just won’t give in. She’s never dated anyone or even had a guy but she’s pretty, tall, and skinny. She is one of those annoying hippee types that honestly wants to save the world (volunteers all the time - her favorite is the children’s burn unit.) When I give her boy advice she says she doesn’t want boys to think she’s easy (implying I am) or she doesn’t want “your kind of guy”

    How do you teach your younger sister the ways of the betch life? She needs to learn because people walk all over her all the time and she’s hot she needs to own up to it!

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  17. Liv says:

    So, 11 of these posts were TheBetches posting as readers of their own blog? I DARE YOU TO LET THIS THROUGH MODERATION.

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  18. Alex says:

    Also can’t forget to mention the older sister’s ID is usually the perfect fake for the younger sister

    Posted on Reply
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