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By The Betches on

Soooo we were actually going to stop recapping Revenge, and we were kind of excited to announce how it wasn't meeting our recap quality standards and we were officially over it...but last night's ep was pretty dece. We weren't like dying, but it kept our attention long enough for us to know, vaguely, what was going on.

It started out as kind of a joke, with Emanda giving us the definition of 'duress.' Thanks Mandy. Like, why was this an episode of fucking Law and Order. All of this legal jargon don't they know we haven't taken Torts!! I OBJECT.

But 20 minutes in we were pretty content with Revenge's comeback, sans Sharpie nonetheless.


Call Outs:


Regarding the divorce proceedings: Since when are attorneys who specialize in high profile divorces the same ones who defend against accused national terrorists?

Also the triplex on 5th Avenue, chalet in Aspen, and house on Fisher Island - would the Hamptons house really be worth more than those combined? Wrong.


revenge abcAll my assets go to the red sharpie!


Regarding the flashbacks: This show is a fucking Spanish soap opera, on Wed 10-11pm they should change the channel to ABC LATINA.

Regarding the clam bake: Who would've been invited to a potentially blow out clam bake anyway? It seems like Daniel has one friend and he's a closeted gay extortionist who's on the outs."I thought it was only for friends and family," Nolan inquired. Since when is a birthday party for anyone other than friends and family?

What happened to Nolan's security guards?

Why would Emanda steal the meds that are the only thing keeping Tyler normal? That seems like a smart idea.

Tyler to Daniel: "We're best buds, remember?"  - What is this, the Partridge family? WHO SAYS THAT? REALLY WRITERS? REALLY?

Emanda's fingerprints are all over that Frank's wallet. We've caught enough Dexter episodes to know that wouldn't pan out without some gloves. Just saying.

...Wait. AMANDA CLARKE'S finger prints are technically the ones all over the wallet... scandy.


LOL Moments


When Emanda called it "the interwebs?" You couldn't just say online? Who are you, Borat?

Victoria's obsession with Daniel: "Danielllll, darling, you left without saying goodbye last night, you know I don't like it when you sneak out and make me feel like a cheap hooker."

"Daniel, it's so hard to believe so much time has passed since I first brought you home from the hospital" .... seriously.. I loled. No but seriously how much time, why won't anyone say how old he's turning?


revenge abcAs your gift, you're allowed to think of your mom while we have sex


Emily Vancamp can't walk that well in heels, she kind of forgets to bend her knees? Emily walking in heels is sort of how we imagine FDR would walk if he got out of his wheelchair... or some other fucked up joke about polio.

There's no fucking way Daniel Grayson has an Oliver Wendell Holmes poem memorized. He's like, way too good looking.

Nolan, amidst getting stabbed: "Oh NO!! Not my favorite shirt! Tyler You bastard! Take my advanced digital recording equipment but not the shirt! This was hand threaded in Milan!"

Ty at the clam bake: "Let's take it back to David Clarke and the summer of '69"  Ty, that's a lot of years to go through in one hold-up, you sure you're committed?

This episode had the best ending ever, we haven't seen Vic smile so hard since her last facelift, and this time because her prenup is null. Our kinda betch.


What Everyone Was Thinking During the Clam Bake (Almost) Massacre:


Conrad: "Shit I hope this fucker doesn't get me, I'm finally single"

Emanda: "Wahhhhh mommy stole my pwesent!!" - Emz... you mad?


Tyler: "Alex? What are you doing here? Can't you see I'm in the middle of shooting up my BFF's clam bake? Come back in a few hours."

Ashley: "Shit, I'm the asshole who fucked this guy...."

Nolan: "Shit, I'm the asshole who fucked this guy...."

Declan: Fook.




Victoria Grayson's imminent drinking problem. Hello Kirsten Cohen.

Nolan's unspoken dolphin fetish will unfold. His b.


20 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betchiest says:

    The meds were already gone when Emanda stole them.. she stole an empty bottle.

    Posted on Reply
  2. Gbetch says:! The faux quotes were hyster and I loved the Milan reference. Like a true gay betch, I just recently returned from a semester of doing nothing (in Milan)! Love being a gay betch! Happy 2012 betches! x

    Posted on Reply
  3. obvs says:

    FOOK. hahaha. don’t make me laugh so hard; it makes me wanna vom. hangover probs.

    Posted on Reply
  4. nikbetch says:

    So true betches. Nolan’s guards just suddenly disappear when he gets attacked by some skitzo nutjob gay hooker???? Emanda slips that wallet in with her fingerprints everywhere??? HOW OLD IS DANIEL??? But the meds were empty when Emanda stole them.

    On a side note the whole comment on torts had me lolling.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    why didn’t anyone comment on the fact that Tyler called conrad “Connie”??

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    FOOK was literally hilar. i laughed for days <3 you betches

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    Ahahhahah I just remembered this. I was watching and though who the fook is Connie?! Didnt know Maury’s wife was invited to the clam bake.

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    or the fact that Ty’s DOB is listed as 1990, didn’t this whole scam go down in ‘93?  i’m pretty sure young “Emanda” is about 7 in the flashbacks, seems to be a little off… but hey, this is coming from writers who would have one believe that Sammy, the yellow lab, is about 18?

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    Do not literally stop doing revenge recaps. This show is a guilty pleasure and who else is going to make fun of ericvandergay.  Besides, there is totes going to be a love triangle between the doctor, emanda and dolphin lover Nolan.

    your welcome.

    Posted on Reply
  10. Whitters says:

    I’m glad you mentioned this! I was lol’ing to myself about that when I was watching.

    Posted on Reply
  11. anon says:

    hahahaha i did not realize till i read this recap about nolan’s body guard..what the hell happened to him?!!?!

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    Betches! What about how Ty was calling emanda a slut while he yells at the computer screen?! Oh and physco ty’s ‘truth or die!’ game, to bad he was to big of a pussy to shoot the gun, until there were no bullets…oops

    Posted on Reply
  13. DEG says:

    Lollzzz this show is so fun to watch while high. They are so DRAMATIC it turns from a meant-to-be-thriller to a HILARIOUS comedy. seriously. try it.

    Posted on Reply
  14. DEG says:

    I mean seriously. what college (not quite) graduate still has his mother planning his birthday party? Let alone, what (not quite) college graduate still has a birthday party??

    Posted on Reply
  15. Lib says:

    Are you guys seriously going to stop covering this show?  If so, I’m definitely not watching it anymore. I was just keeping up cause your reviews were ridiculous

    Posted on Reply
  16. BetchSinceBirth says:

    I laughed so fucking hard and loved your OC reference.  Totes hilar.  <3 you guys!

    Posted on Reply
  17. lovebetches says:

    sers don’t stop recapping Revenge…it’s almost better than watching the show!

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    Just died a lil over all the Connie comments..hahaha

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    I always get caught up in wondering how Sammy is still alive- what a betch

    Posted on Reply
  20. Anonymous says:

    Emanda not being able to walk in her heals..noticed that from day one. so not a betch

    Posted on Reply
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