How many betches can say that they call their besties by their real names? The answer is like, NONE! Why? Because names like Sara and Jane are fucking boring, and a betch is always looking for ways to ease her boredom. For all of you nice girls and betch-haters, this might make it difficult to follow along in a conversation with us. For example…
Betch 1: So like, can you believe SW hooked up with AW!?
Betch 2: I thought he was hooking up with that girl… fuck! What's her name? She kind of looks like a smurf... whatever, smurf girl?
Betch 3: Ugh, who the fuck cares? Today I saw JM wearing these like, bigggg framed trendyyy glasses. She totes can’t pull those off. Quel dommage!
But nicknames are not only restricted for talking about other betches. Betches find nicknames most useful when talking about betch-haters, bros, bros they hate, bros they fucked (or #8 didn’t fuck), etc. The best part about nicknames is that you can basically # 1 talk shit about someone when they're standing right next to you, as long as their nickname isn't so completely obvious.
Why are nicknames such an important part of The Betch Life? I mean, think about it, we all do it. There’s just nothing we find as funny as naming a girl who’s fro resembles an unkempt vagina, “Bush,” as we like to call her. Come on, we all know that girl.
What about that freshman slut named Jen who’s already so fake-baked and done so many drugs that she looks like she’s aging backwards? Hello Jenjamin Button!!! The nicknames betches come up with not only give us a giggle whenever we mention them, but they allow other betches to see our creativity and allow us to talk shit even without any real news to talk shit about.
OMG look, it's Jenjamin!
When it comes to guys, nicknames tend to be less derived from their appearance and are more typically based on experiences with them. That guy who fingered your best betch on the dance floor at Valentine’s Day formal last weekend? We think his name is Eric, but we call him FINGER BOY!!! Hahahaha SOOOO funny!!!!
Oh, and the guy you hooked up with who had the unusually small penis? Sorry boys, but you're now known among our betch circle as "baby dick."
That guy you text when your main bro is out of town or not responding to your blackout BBMs? He might as well be plugged into your phone as "Plan B." Sometimes it’s just so hard to keep track of all the people we know!
Another common type of nickname, most often used by younger betches (Betches-in-Training), is the friend group nickname. How many betches are in your crew? Seven? OMG I loveeee The Seven!!! While this is considered betchy and cool in middle school, it’s more of a nice girl betch-hater thing to do as you get older. So if you do this past 12th grade, you should probably take it off your AIM profile.
If you're cool enough to be talked about or lame enough that you just can't look away, you probably have a nickname. Just watch out because it only takes one fashion faux pas or premature ejaculation to be permanently branded by a betch.
Story of my life. My best betch dated a guy with a millimeter peter and we called him “nub” or “nubbs” once they broke up. Nicknames are the shit, just like us betches.
Posted on — ReplyThis is too flippin’ funny! I can totes relate! -TM
Posted on — ReplyNicknames are the best when you are diversifidating…although the bros get super touchy about them. What’s wrong with calling someone Young Jedi, Dr. Dick or Gordon Gekko behind thier back…even better to their face.
Posted on — Replyhttp://sixfiguresiren.com/2011/04/11/diversifidating/
this website is my incredible. i’m elated that i finally have a word to describe how i have been acting my whole life.
Posted on — ReplyThis is so unbelievably funny and true! One of my best betches dated this guy very briefly (none of us betches were very fond of him from the start anyway), but the straw that broke the camels back is when we ran into him at a Mardi Gras parade last year, and the guy was wearing a FUCKING NAME CHAIN!!!! You know, the big gold ones from 1997 that you wore when you were in 5th grade? Yeah, one of those. Needless to say, his name no logner exists in the mouths of my betches and myself and his is only referred to as “Name Chain”.
Posted on — ReplyLoves this post. So many nicknames for fug bitches.
Posted on — Replythe betches and i only speak a bro’s birthname if we A. have known them since before their balls dropped or B. were actually impressed with their bedliness in god… or something like that.
here is a short list of what we call the other ones
Jawline Kid
The Grower
Bike Patrol
Showers McTavenaugh
Gingie 1
Gingie 2
Airforce guy
Thing 1
Angry sex
Prouncer/Georgia
Vagina Cutter
Golden boy
Wolfman
Asian Bruce
Captain Kirk
Micropenis
Lieutenant Dan
Frat Daddy
Big DIck Freshmen
Cowboy Evan
Merica Evan (neither of their name’s were evan, we’re like 82% sure)
Titties
this system is perfect, because we never remember their real name anyway, and if we see them on campus, BOOM. The brown out that was our weekend comes back !
stay classy, betches
Posted on — Replyso funny/betchy. There’s a pube-haired girl at my school (vom) and my main betch and I call her loofa. And short fug girls are typically given nicknames like “troll,” “midge,” or “nug”...will def use “smurf” sometime. thanks betches!
Posted on — ReplyIn college if your friend group has a nickname it’s almost always the initials of all the betches in the group. like for a group of friends named Ashley Sarah Meredith and Brittany, you’re ASMB and you make a beer pong table with that spray painted all over it in pink glitter paint. just how betches keep it real
Posted on — Replywhat kind of betch is named meredith…...? seems like ASMB really stands for A Shitty Mock Betch
Posted on — ReplyNo, thats what twelve years olds do
Posted on — ReplyAlso, why do you have a bp table?
And who says “keep it real?”
honey you sound like a freshman. Every sorority liveout that wants to have parties has beer pong, and a table so they can play beer pong… you’re fucking retarded.
Posted on — ReplyOh my Gosh! I love this one > “What about that freshman slut named Jen who’s already so fake-baked and done so many drugs that she looks like she’s aging backwards? Hello Jenjamin Button!!!”
Posted on — ReplyAnd I just thought of someone who I can totally call Bush!