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By The Betches on

For a show that prides itself on being artsy while nothing happens, it seems like a lot is going down in Mad Men world. A serial murderer on the loose...airlines on strike because the mechanics need more wrenches, boo hoo...and a lot of women chilling under furniture. Clearly amidst all these happenings Megan hasn't a spare moment to consult an orthodontist. Quel dommage!

Now on to the Blackout Meter. Check out our runner-up for the inspiration behind Nancy Reagan's future Just Say No campaign.

Joan: There were two things to take away from Joan's story this week. For one she is enormous. We LOLed at this exchange when Greg came home:

Joan: You're so #5 skinny! Greg: You too! ...Clearly desperate for a BJ after that semester #3 abroad, because there's no way they have boobs that big in whatever commie Asian country he's been in.

new girl3 different prints above the belt Michael? You auditioning for Barnum and Bailey?

Number two is that she's so clearly #82 over her husband, henceforth nicknamed Maybe Gay Greg. Really, what kind of straight bro would choose the army over being home with wildebeast wifey?...the kind of bro who's getting something better in the army. Our prediction: Joan and Rog start texting again over casual matters like child support, R cheats on Janey Sterls again and leaves her for J, maybe turns his life around to become a family man and devoted father, God we hope not.

Betty: At the gym according to FourSquare.

Peggy: Peggy says she was drunk, but since she's the ultimate nice girl, she still ended up doing Roger's work. Is the Pegster gonna use the 400 bucks for some lipo or has that not been invented yet?

Now about her weird little interaction with Dawn. Is Dawn homeless and sleeping in the office, is that the deal? Everyone's thinking it. And when she was sitting on Peggy's couch, why was Peggy sweating so profusely? But the fun didn't end there. Then Peggy asked Dawn, "do you think I act like a man?" and Dawn's response was essentially like, ummm idk, do you YOU think you act like a man? when you could tell she really wanted be like, YEAH you act like a man, have you seen YOUR CLOTHES?

Roger: He didn't get nearly enough screen time this week but for what he had, he made it count. It was great when he was lying in his office in darkness and silence, probably meditating or dreaming up the recipe for 4Loko. Then Pete intrudes to remind him to do something for his ONE account that he obviously forgot to do, so he attempts to pay Peggy 10 dollars to take care of it but somehow ends up giving her 400. It's unreal that his one responsibility was to tell someone to do something, and yet he couldn't even manage that. Talk about not doing work. And really Rog, why would you offer to pay Peggy any extra money to do the job she was hired for, and why would you ever tell her the real amount you had in your wallet...don't you have a wife you usually lie to about these things?? Oh right, he's wasted.

Sally: Sally overtook Roger this week, starting with her #80 bitching to her dad, obvi complaining about how she wants to rage but instead is forced to chill with old people. Enter Grandma Pauline who literally looks like the lagoon creature dressed as a cafeteria lady. But DADDD she wears so much perfume! She doesn't believe I'm allowed to watch TV! Her pacemaker is so last season!

Next we see that they're clearly pushing the anorexia plot line for Sally, as 90% of her screen time this season has been at the dinner table, and she has eaten exactly 0. Now we see why she hates grandma so much...don't you know that people who eat tuna salad end up like YOU, it has like, mayo, fat ass!

new girlNice sleeveless button down Sally. Wonder why those went out of style.

But Sally tops herself a third time when grandma introduces her to the world of 1960s Xanax. Going to Candyland before she even gets boobs, that can't be good. We decided she should get her bellybutton pierced. That'll teach Betty's fat mother-in-law to turn off the TV.

Don: Ok Don like WTF, you gonna die of lung cancer or something? Lay off the cigs, we don't think Megan's yet had time to fashion you an ashtray that's big enough to catch your regurgitated lung. Can you stop smoking for like TEN minutes??

Anyway, despite his illness he has a way of somehow looking perpetually hungover hot, like an attractive pothead. Nevertheless we still can't get behind this insane sex fever dream. "Remember that night at Lincoln Center when you took me back to the loading dock and your wife was waiting inside." Um, no we don't. Who is this TGF bitch?* If I wanted to watch severe cruelty towards women after intense sex scenes I'd tune in to Game of Thrones...but then again I haven't memorized the Lord of the Rings score so I'm not sure it's for me.

*We actually know the TGF bitch from when she portrayed the TGF mom who was fucking Nate Archibald in the Hamptons, season 2.

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14 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. , says:

    the murders were in chicago..

    Posted on Reply
  2. Elizabeth says:

    “Dawn’s response was essentially like, ummm idk, do you YOU think you act like a man?”—No, actually that wasn’t Dawn’s response at all. She said “I guess you kind of HAVE to [act like a man].”

    And, yes, to reiterate what the previous commenter said: The riots were definitely in Chicago. It was mentioned multiple times.

    Sally didn’t eat 0 at the dinner table. She sat and ate that whole tuna salad sandwich. Mayo and all. Sick.

    And I think the whole thing with the “TGF” girl in the yellow dress went over your heads. When she kept showing up in Don’s apartment, when they had sex, and when he choked her out and kicked her under the bed ... that was all a hallucination due to his high fever/illness. Fucking duh.

    Also, Dawn is not homeless. She explains that she can’t go home because of the danger associated with the riots. Also, Peggy is sweating because it’s summertime, and it’s the 1960s - only rich people had air conditioning back then. I doubt Peggy has A/C in that shitbox apartment of hers.

    Seriously, betches… stick to Gossip Girl or whatever the fuck else you normally recap. You cheapen this well written show with your idiotic commentary.

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    wow chill psycho. if you don’t like the betches recap there are a million other recaps on every other website for you to raed instead of wasting your time writing an essay comment. or go write your own recaps and let stupid bitches enjoy their stupid recaps

    Posted on Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    HA! At least she has a grasp on the English language. You don’t make any sense.

    Posted on Reply
  5. love it says:

    sally draper is a total betch in the making

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anon says:

    Woah calm down

    Posted on Reply
  7. LM says:

    “at the gym according to Foursquare” Gold.

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    too bad GG sucks so much now it’d be fun to recap

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    If you actually watch the show then you obvs only read recaps to be entertained so if you don’t find the betches’ recaps entertaining don’t read them! Besides, who gives a fuck if they don’t remember details like the riots being in Chicago. You expect people who write articles about being bored, being high, and talking shit to remember/care about trivial details?

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    #123 hating people who TTH

    Posted on Reply
  11. paris says:

    this show is obviously way too eloquent and mature for audiences of your nature. You have nothing intelligent or remotely funny to say so maybe just stick to writing about that stupid new girl show with that annoying and ugly brunette. Mad Men is the best show on TV, the best written and obviously way over your head so quit while your ahead because believe me your reviews are only getting worse. Now go watch family guy or something, more of your forte.

    Posted on Reply
  12. lounge betch. says:

    “way too eloquent and mature”, does using the word eloquent make you mature? I wonder if the 4 million people that tune in each week simultaneously say at the end of each episode, “wow that was so eloquent”, and then go do to mature things.

    Posted on Reply
  13. the b in apt 23 says:

    recapping the b in apt. 23 would be way more the betches speed and awesome.

    Posted on Reply
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