Tracker Pixel for Entry
By The Betches on

So March Madness is again upon us, and while most betches have virtually no idea what's going on, many among us will fill out our very own brackets anyway. There's no better time to pretend to know about sports than the present, when the sport in question involves #136 college athletes and something nicknamed the Elite 8. That's what my high school besties used to call ourselves!

But while bros base their picks on years of monitoring of the NAACP, and nice girls base their picks on the top 5 google results, some people don't need reasoning to back up our winning picks. Some people just know. So you can stop asking your brother, dad, or the bro you're fucking to copy his bracket, and you can stop reading articles about picking teams by their mascot, season record, or because Obama did. The Betches have picked the best March Madness bracket like, ever.

Also, just wondering, where is Penn State? Absent this year? Bad coaches?

Anyway, take a look at our bracket and feel free to copy it verbatim. If you're confused as to why we would ever pick a team in 15th place to beat one that's in 1st place, you've clearly never played in our league before. If you're questioning any of our reasoning, check out our explanations below.


UNLV vs. whatever – Wait, there’s really a University of Las Vegas? Are they transfers from the University of Disneyworld?

Baylor vs. South Dakota – What’s a baylor? It’s called a butler.

Notre Dame vs. Xavier - Saw Rudy once, read Something Borrowed. Gargoyles are gross but Xavier sounds grosser.

Duke vs. Lehigh – Battle of the douchebag schools. Duke wins. Call us when your uniforms aren't the color of feces, Lehigh.

Michigan St. vs. LIU Brooklyn – You can't play bball in skinny jeans, Brooklyn!

Murray St vs. Colorado St – Colorado State for the win, all the bros we know from Murray Hill are wayyyy too short to play basketball.

Syracuse vs. NC Asheville – Seriously Cuse, your outfits are orange! Whoever said orange is the new pink was seriously disturbed.

Gonzaga vs. West Virginia – West Virginia should win, cheese is like, so fattening. I wanna lose 3 pounds!

Ohio vs. Loyola – Ohio. Loyola rhymes with Crayola which rhymes with nice girl.

Creighton vs. Alabama – Because Creighton sounds like a British lord from Downton Abbey and Alabama's been the slowest team in the league since Forrest Gump quit.

Michigan vs. Ohio - No fucking idea, didn't I guess this one already?

St. Mary’s vs. Purdue – St. Mary’s, they have God on their side.

And if you're wondering why we didn't fill out the bottom right corner, it's because our Adderall wore off.

35 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Black betch says:

    NAACP- ironic or actually clueless?

    Posted on Reply
  2. babybetch says:

    Obvi you didnt notice UK was number 1… and would never in any universe lose to WKU. WKU doesnt even want to beat UK, because they’re all UK fans….

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    You have Cuse winning it all but also losing to NC Asheville

    Posted on Reply
  4. Bored. says:

    We don’t care.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    shout out to Vermont making the Elite 8

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    after reading like the first paragraph of this post I’d had enough. This is lame.

    Posted on Reply
  7. Elizabeth says:

    Okay, betches, no one expects you to know anything about March Madness.  But if you’re going to go ahead and fill out a bracket, maybe at least brush up on the simple basics of which teams are good and which ones suck?  This is the worst bracket I’ve seen.  Ever.

    Posted on Reply
  8. Wait...what? says:

    Are you actually retarded?  The number one team in the country losing to a team no one has heard of?  Okay.

    Posted on Reply
  9. ummm says:

    Kentucky losing to Western Kentucky?? Any betch knows that Kentucky will not be losing to Western (16th vs. 1st?) and that Kentucky will be making it to the finals and winning.  GO CATS!

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    that’s the point. duh. and i think the reasoning behind this was fucking hilarious.  especially with how worked up bros get over their brackets.


    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    only comment that made any sense. i cant wait to be able to hang out with bros again and stop hearing about this stupid shit. every year its the same thing.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    Why is Vermont in the midwest? Shouldn’t it be in like the east, fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Mack says:

    Naturally. Rules are for douchebags.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Sofia says:

    This is soooo fucking stupid

    Posted on Reply
  15. Wildcat says:

    This might be the most embarrassing bracket ever made. I’m with you on not following basketball. It has extremely unattractive gangly guys and is way too fast of a game that you can’t even look away to sip on a vodka soda. Football is the ultimate sport. However, I know enough about uh, math, to figure Uk will be in the final four, along with (I hate to say it) OSU. Sorry betches, but please refrain from discussing sports in the future. Pros aren’t interested in betches that can’t even fake having a clue of what they’re talking about.

    Posted on Reply
  16. PSU betch says:

    Excuse me betches..wrong sport

    -Love Penn States ultimate betch

    Posted on Reply
  17. Brian says:

    Had to laugh when I saw this bracket. (2 of the picks aren’t even filled in) Along with 2 #1’s losing. I’m sorry that Missouri lost today and ruined the bracket for good, but thank you for the silly explanations on why you chose the picks you did, made my day.

    Posted on Reply
  18. cbizzle says:

    Yeah good call on having Missouri win the entire thing….also how could you possibly think Indiana would lose in the first round??? Watch some espn…seriously

    Posted on Reply
  19. Jules says:

    Ahahhahaaha brilliant

    Posted on Reply
  20. Anonymous says:

    Duke vs. Lehigh – Battle of the douchebag schools. Duke wins. Call us when your uniforms aren’t the color of feces, Lehigh.

    ha.. good one

    suck my duke

    Posted on Reply
  21. sc<3 says:

    for making it through the whole paragraph. I just clicked to make sure this was a joke [why on Earth would they waste a whole article on NCAA brackets…]
    but it wasn’t….how unfortunate

    Posted on Reply
  22. Anonymous says:

    you’re fucking stupid if you think this bracket is anything but a joke

    Posted on Reply
  23. I'm embarrassed says:

    You can be a betch and still know sports. And any sporty betch knows that Syracuse is nothing without Fab Melo, UNC and UK are basically destined to rematch in the finals, and that UConn’s team is shit without the leadership of a full coaching staff (medical problems. Sucks to suck).

    Why, betches, why?

    Posted on Reply
  24. Anonymous says:

    i usually love these posts but too bad you are soooo off on this one

    Posted on Reply
  25. Anonymous says:

    I looked over this post for about 15 seconds before rolling my eyes in disgust. i mean come on, NAACP? UK GETTING BEAT BY A 16 SEED?? i mean seriously, a #1 seed has NEVER lost to a 16 seed, let alone kentucky this year. Penn state was absent this year because they won 4 OF 14 conference games. i mean come on thats almost as bad as USC.

    i’ll stop there. this post makes me sad. you clearly put no work into this one. you can be betchy and do better than this. your advice could have been “pick the higher seed every time” and i wouldn’t been this disgusted.

    Posted on Reply
  26. d says:

    If you didn’t like totes get this post, then you’re probably a lesbian and play women’s basketball so you actually give a shit that this bracket is based on betches not giving a real fuck about sports. and you definitely have to be ugly since you obvi enjoy sweating and wearing a mens sized uniform with your hair in a ponytail. ew. so i’m going to have to ask you to not come back to this website.

    Posted on Reply
  27. d says:

    ps, the only Penn I know goes by Dan Humphrey.

    Posted on Reply
  28. ERR says:

    Nice Penn State joke- jk lolz it was football sluts. Get it right.

    Posted on Reply
  29. megan says:

    make a betch bracket - we’ll fill it out and send it back to you and we’ll find out what is the betchiest thing is.

    or we could have a sex bracket, or who is prettier of our friends bracket. like hello this can be fun.

    it is too close to bracelet, so we’d have to change that too.

    betch of the year

    Posted on Reply
  30. Anonymous says:

    ^ the above was the greatest conversation I have ever read.

    S’rat on, ladies.

    Posted on Reply
  31. hay betch hay says:

    loved the downton reference fucking hilarious

    Posted on Reply
  32. Lehigh betch says:

    Except you picked the wrong douchebag school to win, betches. Take it back.

    Posted on Reply
  33. S says:

    You’re right. Knowing sports= lesbian. You must be a mathematician. So smart.

    You probably didn’t even attend college since you seem to have no clue how betches dress for athletic games. For one, I’m not sure how watching a basketball game makes you sweaty. Possibly you’re overweight if you’re sweating while sitting at a bar. I wouldn’t know what that feels like. Secondly, anyone from the SEC (couldn’t tell you about any other conferences bc frankly my dear, I don’t give a shit) sports dresses, skirts, etc on game day. And ponytails, well you’re an idiot if you don’t think a ponytail can be sexy.

    So you can go on living your life, probably alone with a few cats, and I’ll be the center of the attention with the pros at the game. Best of luck to you sweetie.

    Posted on Reply
Post your comment: