First you have to make sure the police officer is male. If it's a woman, this isn't going to work, especially since you were just going 85 in a 55 in your Benz and you pulled over on the left side of the road. Two potential tickets, your license is practically dunzo.
If it's a woman, this is the only time in life when you'd hope to encounter a nice girl. But if it's a man, which it usually will be, here's how to manipulate and bullshit your way out of needing to tell your dad to take care of your speeding ticket.
Assess the officer. Try to feel out if this a lost cause, aka a female officer, or a guy with a mustache who looks at you like he was the axe murderer in The Lovely Bones. If it's any type of other guy, you want to put on your most sad, apologetic and beautiful face.
You can then go into one of the following:
Take notes on how to flirt with an officer from Ross Geller
The Sad Story:
I'm going to pick my sister up from rehab, I haven't seen her in 4 months! She's all better now, she can't bear to be there one more second!
I'm rushing to get home, I'm sorry, I just found out my parents are getting a divorce/my boyfriend just broke up with me. You're right, I'm so out of it, I'm so sorry. A single tear, or big wet eyes are great for this option.
The Emergency:
My grandpa's in the hospital for a hernia!
The Period:
I am soo sorry, I just got my period, and it is coming out of me like, you don't even know... Then delve into 45 more seconds of detail about the viscosity of your flow and what size tampons you use. Where's the closest rest stop... and toilet paper... I just need like, a lotttt of toilet paper... Last ditch effort... Ohh the clotting!...
Do Not Say:
DO YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS?
Do you know how soon the Oscars are on? I can't miss it!
My mom does charities for the police force! It's like a big deal, we're getting our PBA card in the mail soon.
Oops, should I write them a note?
If you encounter a lost cause officer: Just be quiet and try to act normal. These people are the #43 haters and they have a vendetta against perfect people who can't drive. Fucking with these people will get your fake ID taken away and lead to the discovery of the pot that's been in your passenger's seat pocket for two months.
Playing the dumb blonde card has gotten me out of several tickets.Betches will do whatever it takes to get what we want
Posted on — ReplySo true! hilar.
Posted on — ReplyOhh the clotting!!.... I lol’d.
Posted on — ReplyNot as well written as previous posts? good material though
Posted on — ReplyOh you are so from Jersey. Love the PBA cards!
also pleased to say I’ve never gotten a ticket
Posted on — ReplyI’ve gotten out of several tickets by saying that I am on my way to see my boyfriend one last time before he leaves for a year long deployment. It was the truth once… but once I saw how well it worked, it’s been my stand by ever since. I have NEVER gotten a ticket with that story.
Posted on — ReplyTalk about not doing work this post was so ugh. Step it up or stop writing when you’re this stoned.
Posted on — Reply...cry. were all betches here and know how to manipulate when we have to. fuck telling stories we cant keep straight, just cry and look at him like you look at your dad when you max out his credit cards, say your sorry, and move right along. got me out of trippling the speed limit.. aka driving with “intention to kill”.. oops.
Posted on — ReplyYeah my friend tried that shit one time about lying about her grandfather…asshole followed her to the frickin hospital. Obviously didn’t work out for her too well.
Posted on — ReplyThis stories already written by Andy Anderson, the “How to..” girl, and this ones not even betchy….does this even go in a category. I mean at least it could say how to talk your way out of a ticket like a betch
Posted on — ReplyI cried to try and get out of one of my tickets. Officer told me crying isnt “becoming on a lady.” eff that.
Posted on — ReplyI couldn’t agree more, crying works. The right combination of crying and acting completely helpless will have the officer apologizing he even pulled you over to begin with. When the officer tells you “it’s going to be ok” you know you’re on the right track.
There could probably be an entire post dedicated to when crying is the manipulation tactic of choice or how to use crying to your advantage. My mother once told me that if ever I find myself in a less than ideal situation, find the most important looking person you can and start crying.
Posted on — ReplyWhite coat + stethoscope in the passenger seat, doesn’t matter if you are a student. Just know which hospital you’re going to.
Posted on — ReplyPBA cards aren’t a special jersey thing…
Posted on — ReplyWhile I was cruising in my moms car, blasting Madonna’s “Hung Up,” I got pulled over in her work parking lot. I saw her walking out waving until she realized I was waving a speeding ticket at her…fail
Posted on — ReplyUm.. my friend just dumped a bottle of water in her lap and said she peed.
Posted on — ReplyLike she would ever pee on the leather interior of her Benz.
i caught that. i love you betches.
Posted on — Replydefinitely don’t exist in all 50 states
Posted on — Replyhahaha that in genius, great advice mom
Posted on — ReplyLast year my friends mom got pulled over by a cop for not having her seat belt on. The cop was about to give her a ticket and she told him that the she just got a boob job and the doctor said she couldn’t wear a seat belt. She didn’t get the ticket. Fucking betch.
Posted on — ReplyA true betch wouldn’t keep pot in her car for two months. That shit goes bad.
Posted on — ReplyNice! I will use that one .....
Posted on — Replyhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CgVTq1ROdSM
Posted on — ReplyWith a woman… Tell her your sister went into labor and you’re on your way to the hospital. Been a go to of mine for awhile.
Posted on — Replyfirst time i got pulled over- 47 in a 25.
..no ticket. I pulled out the lipgloss and laughed at the cop because my night was so ‘horrible’ and now it was laughable…no ticket.
second time i got pulled over- 90 in a 65.
Posted on — Reply..no ticket. I looked like hell from Kent Halloween hangover city and came back from the dead. Guess the fake eyelashes that were still intact came in handy..
no ticket.
boyfriend breaking up with you WORKS without a doubt… but you have to cry. i told him we just broke up so I was driving really fast to his house to find out why he broke up with me. haha
Posted on — Reply