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By The Betches on

A betch fight (not to be confused with a #28 drunken betch brawl) can happen in numerous ways. Maybe your #85 roomie borrowed your crop top without asking, maybe your bestie drunkenly used your toothbrush and didn't tell you, or maybe you and your #38 frenemy are getting to the point where you can no longer pretend like each others' presence is only

Whatever the issue is, a fight has broken out and like an episode of Real Housewives or a presidential debate, the issues are on the table and shit is about to go down. TG, you were running out of things to talk about anyway.

black swanCome at me betch

Sometimes it’s hard to know how to #32 win when there’s trouble in friendship paradise Pulco. With that we introduce to you the best way to manipulate your way through an actual sober altercation, aka how to fight like a betch.


Remaining calm: When your roomie attacks you, accusing you of doing something stupid like leaving the apartment unlocked when you went to the bars (What's she scared of someone stealing? Her hair extensions? We should be so lucky.), the betchiest thing to do is act like you don’t give a shit about what she's saying or that she's even mad. This is very easy to do, it's kind of like speaking to your mom.

The remaining calm phase’s bff is the #41 fake smile. Nothing will annoy someone more than the thought that you’re gaining amusement at their distress. This will then lead to them acting like an even crazier person, furthering your cause that you are the most normal betch in the room.

You can respond with something like “true” or “oops, my b!” This will usually get her really riled up. If this is your goal and you see that she’s getting really angry and on the brink of tears, your next line should always be “ok, chill.” Telling someone to chill is like giving them an express ticket to crazy town, it will drive her off the fucking deep end. She will most likely start screaming like a maniac, allowing you to enter the next phase of betch fighting.

Being extremely passive aggressive and condescending: We found it best to portray this phase with an example.

Look, I know you’ve been on edge lately because Adam broke up with you and I’m in a relationship and really happy, but listen, I’m totally here for you. Don’t be jealous of me, we’re just in different stages!

This will usually get this bitch so angry that she enters the next defensive mode of betch fighting.

Rallying the Troops: This consists of your opponent (and you obvi) texting all your mutual friends and exclusive friends about what a raging cunt you’re (she's) being. Often, you’re texting the same person at the same time.

This phase is especially exciting for the betch who gets all texts about the whole scandal, as she can laugh and feel free to fully enjoy the show without having to deal with any of the drama personally. If you’re this girl, it’s best not to piss off either side so you constantly get the latest gossip. Safe texts to both sides include: "ugh, what a bitch” or “that’s so like her…she would.

In a direct confrontation, evade the question: Inevitably, your crazy bitch opponent will attack you and start accusing you of doing random things, like “I don’t understand why you would hook up with him when you knew I liked him” or something along those lines.

When knowingly wrong, bring up issues that have absolutely nothing to do with the argument in hopes of turning the conversation topic back to something that she did that was fucked up. “Well I don’t understand why you would think it's okay to wear leggings with that shirt!?” The besties will all nod in agreement. Those leggings were disgusting.

taylor armstrongFail

If all else fails, enter the fake apology: Like any great performance, all great fights must come to an end because they get so fucking boring. Since the silent treatment is for losers and people who don't have a deep enough appreciation for the sound of their own voice, we’re going to banish that from the Betch Fighting Manual.


Eventually you’ll need your bestie to pick you up from class or you’ll get tired of ignoring her in the living room. When this happens, you should say something like “I’m really sorry about the other day. There’s totally no excuse for how I acted.” You obviously don’t mean this but you’re a betch and you have better things to do with your time than deal with this person.

By giving yourself all the blame and adding in the ‘no excuse' part, you’re giving her no choice but to accept and shut the fuck up. If she chooses to continue being mad, everyone will think she’s a pathetic grudge holding attention-seeker.

So betches, if you find yourself in the middle of a betch brawl, heed our advice and you’ll always come out on top. Nothing says winning more than making the girl who thought it was okay to start shit with you rue the day she brought up any of your flaws. Fuck with a betch and you’ll get fucked with back…but harder.


25 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. KT says:

    On point, betches! I would like to see something like this for when you’re fighting with your Pro.  I’m obvi aware of #96 The Ex-Boyfriend Life Cycle, but what about the in-between?  Is it best to just go to great lengths to #32 Win? Could use some guidance from the betches!


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  2. Anonymous says:

    This article just outlined my fight with the bitch roomie a couple days ago. Picture of Natalie Portman is perfect, what are you looking at swaaaan?!

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  3. glitzygab143 says:

    Spot on! Exactly!
    “I’m in a relationship and really happy, but listen, I’m totally here for you. Don’t be jealous of me, we’re just in different stages!”

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  4. Audrey says:

    I loved it! Especially the part where you compare hooking up with a friend’s crush to wearing leggings with pants. It’s basically the same thing, but the leggings are totally more horrendous.

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  5. Anonymous says:

    the casual mean girls reference alwaaaays, love it

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  6. Anonymous says:

    it’s like you follow me around and write about my life. totes got into it with my coworker today, just stood there looking pretty while she flipped out and made a complete psycho of herself (another easy way to send someone over the edge is to laugh at them while they yell at you).
    and snaps for the taylor picture, that shit is horrific…

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  7. Anonymous says:

    did you even read it? it says “leggings with that shirt”, duh. who wears leggings with pants anyway…? wtf

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  8. Obvious. says:

    Has anyone else noticed the correlation between the posts and the comments? (This one & Betch Code) Seriously- it looks like one of the Head Betches got in a fight with a frenemy (TG?) over a Pro/Bro.. and now one of the HB is using this blog as an opportunity to passively aggressively get back at her. (who I assume is a delusional dater.) Sucks.

    On a different note, great post! There is no quicker way to win a fight than to act like you dont care and laugh in their face.

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  9. Anonymous says:

    Billy Madison reference, dyinggg

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  10. Melissa says:

    Absolutely perff post. Loves it.

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  11. kat says:

    There is nothing more hilarious than my 6 months away from a mental institute roommate screaming at me about a paper towel or the last clean wine glass, I cannot control my laughter.  I always apologize a few days later for laughing, not for the action she is accusing me of, obviously I am not sorry.

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  12. winningbetch says:

    The silent treatment is for losers and people who don’t have a deep enough appreciation for the sound of their own voice.
    If she chooses to continue being mad, everyone will think she’s a pathetic grudge holding attention-seeker.

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  13. Anonymous says:

    so fucking funny. seriously el oh elling

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  14. anonymous says:

    OMG YES! Victoria Grayson from Revenge is the perfect example of this, there should definitely be a betch article about her

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  15. Anonymous says:

    ooh good idea, totes agree

    my bf is an expert at storming out and that idiotic silent treatment

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  16. Anonymous says:

    Wait, you have a job?

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  17. GBFF says:

    So glad you caught on to that too…. Not only should you never wear leggings with a skirt unless you’re like….well actually never. But to wear leggings with pants?! Eww as a GBFF I would seriously laugh at any of my betches for making either one of these mistakes. But then again a real betch woulnt even think about it.

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  18. Anonymous says:

    wait, not all betches are lazy as fuck? so shocking!

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  19. Anonymous says:

    Absolute agreement. It’s hard work keeping up with my perfect figure at the gym & spa while juggling a social calendar & grad classes. I don’t have to actually work, because I was born with money. Cry about it, miss sensitive

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  20. Anonymous says:

    speaking as a post-grad with a pr position that is just to die for, i love working and i LIVE for being a total power betch.
    but i guess you’re right, some betches can’t handle having it all…

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  21. Anonymous says:

    The post is fight like a betch, not pathetically try & one-up on a comment section like a loser. Some “power betch”.

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  22. bcbetch says:

    it’s not one-upping when you’re telling someone off. isn’t you leaving a comment a tad oxymoron-esq?
    and yes, even power betches enjoy laughing at, and making snide comments about people like you when bored to death.

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  23. SC<3 says:

    the Black Swan pic alone is hilar.

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  24. awesome says:

    hahaha this is so perfect

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  25. Former Chubby Betch says:

    I used to be a fat betch. Gross right? Anyways, so I got my priorities straight and got skinny and fucking hot. Best part is, despite now being a skinny betch, I still have D cups. Yeah I win. Anyways so a frenemy who used to be condescending about my weight, because I was otherwise flawless in life started becoming a pathetic jealous betch. So just because I wanted to make her feel like shit for fun, I did some philanthropy… by asking her if she wanted some of my clothes that I bought midway through my weight loss journey (aka not fucking eating). Just know, payback is a betch and I always win.

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