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By The Betches on

Every betch knows that being hungover sucks. We imagine being hungover is how nice girls feel all the time: fucking awful.

snow white

Maybe you just woke up on Lil Wayne’s tour bus. Maybe your body feels like it got hit by a truck. Maybe you did get hit by a truck. Maybe you just decided to follow Rosie O’Donnell on Twitter. Whatever it is, Blackout Wednesday has caught up with you and now you’re dealing with the consequences.

Fortunately, in addition to a Cartier Love bracelet, betches have a few tricks up their sleeves.

Betches know how to cover all their blackout bases ASAP so they can go right back to being pissed off and hungover. If you don’t know how to get a new iPhone in the mail, the family lawyer on call, and a couple of preemptive “Sorry! I was so drunk!” texts out in under 10 minutes, then you’re probably not a betch.

[Side Note: There’s no better excuse to start #112 talking about oneself than a hangover. Not only does it give all your friends an opportunity to ask about what you did last night, but it gives you an opportunity to let them know how much fun you have, while simultaneously #80 bitching. And you get to tell them all about your vomiting habits without them thinking you’re bulimic. You can take very secretive pride that you threw up last night’s dinner.]

girl hungoverAs if I needed another reason not to talk to you.

Betches also know how to turn their bedrooms into hangover headquarters. At 4pm when she finally musters up the energy to move and speak, a betch will usually just scream “HELP!” until her maid/boyfriend/doorman brings a bottle of still, a bottle of sparkling, and a bottle of Advil on a silver fucking platter.

Looking at #6 muploads from the night before helps make the whole mess seem worthwhile. Seeing fucking double means looking twice as skinny, right?

Now, sometimes a hangover’s so shitty that a betch feels the need to give up alcohol altogether. Maybe I’ll finally start studying for the GRE’s! But a betch is just as likely to keep this promise as she is to keep the Sabbath.

In the end, no matter how bad a hangover is, a true betch knows how to rally. Drinking with a hangover is about as backwards as fucking a bro while breaking up with him. But given the make-up sex you’re bound to have with alcohol anyway, a betch is willing to look past the irony.

 

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36 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. wow says:

    yall just get it

    Posted on Reply
  2. blazingbiffiebetch says:

    Betches I feel you’ve missed the key to
    the hangover cure. Its not about water and otc meds,
    its all about smoking copious amounts of biffie and
    getting super high before smashing a coke
    (not diet, you’ve been vomming all night, you deserve the real deal)

    Posted on Reply
  3. betchybetch says:

    hahhaha this is classic. and exactly what my life has been like this weekend.

    Posted on Reply
  4. kbetch says:

    you really must be a stoner if you think calories are ever acceptable

    Posted on Reply
  5. maryjane says:

    what the eff is a biffie

    Posted on Reply
  6. wakenbakebetch says:

    You have a great point about the hangover smoke sesh, but the thought of “real” Coke makes me feel nauseous… always.  skinny stoner betches, holla

    Posted on Reply
  7. skinny stoner betch says:

    totes agreed on blazing all morning, however a hangover is still no excuse for a legitimate Coke.. eww, who likes those anyway??

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      Cancer is not betchy. If you’re goig to splurge for a high fructose bevy make a legit one not an aspartame filled cancer cocktail. Fucking duh.

      Posted on Reply
      • gohard says:

        or maybe she was spot on? blaze to relieve the pain and then line to rally for that night’s preeg?

        Posted on Reply
  8. biggestbetch says:

    this is on point. every sentence was betchy as fuck.

    Posted on Reply
  9. true betch says:

    thats what your life has been like this weekend? not that betchy because a true betch lives like this all week because we are too busy not studying and partying to fit into one weekend

    Posted on Reply
  10. lol says:

    The only people who live like that have 2.5’s at a state school. Maybe you should take an English seminar so you can correct those run-ons, sweetheart.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Dietcoke4lyfee says:

    No Betch is going to ruin the progress she made voming with a REGULAR coke. Hangovers are NOT an excuse to be a fat F**k.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    haha the only people that use sweetheart are southern fucking hicks ew.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    if you dont like it dont fucking look.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:

    “thats what your life has been like this weekend? not that betchy because a true betch lives like this all week because we are too busy not studying and partying to fit into one weekend”

    ...you cannot be serious, you fucking retard.
    This whole website is just a joke and clearly some of you don’t understand this. Please don’t ever use the word “betchy” out loud or someone with a brain might try to slap some sense into you.

    Posted on Reply
  15. Anonymous says:

    AGREED i’m from Texas and it makes me want to fucking vom when people say sweetheart. especially on tsm they abuse it sooo much its so annoying. it can be charming in MODERATION from a fucking pro but otherwise shut the fuck up.

    Posted on Reply
  16. betchhh says:

    You must be REALLY hideous. Now get off of this site before we put you on our WYDELs permanently.

    Posted on Reply
  17. Marissa says:

    THANK YOU. everyone needs to listen to this betch and get half a brain. It’s called satire.. Learn to respond appropriately.

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    Well the naturally skinny betch can drink a stupid 150 cal/can of coke, and I will if I fucking want too!

    Sometimes when I read the comments on this site, I feel like I’m dealing with a bunch of NATURAL beached whales.

     

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    omg thank god someone else thinks this.  the comments are absolutely the WORST part of this site.

    Posted on Reply
  20. That betch says:

    Any true betch would not waste her whole fucking day feeling like shit.
    Smoking the ganj is crucial to any hangover.
    Literally roll over and find your biffle or the nearest bro to smoke with and beeetch - you should be set. Goodbye vom feeling and your head will stop pounding so loud that you might actually be able to think about yourself a bit better. Watch some tv, do nothing, and recover.
    If you are actually concerned about eating when you have the munchies, then you are absolutely a fat whale.

    Adios bitchez

    Posted on Reply
  21. ugh says:

    aww, you have to study?  the only people who DON’T live like this are the people who don’t get invited to parties during the week anyway.  we all know it’s who you know, not what you know, that will get you further in life - that and not needing to study because you’re naturally smart.

    Posted on Reply
  22. barca bimbo says:

    strugg city is easily over come, you have your best pet / servant around bring you ice cold water in bed. you do not need to lift a finger, until you are sticking it down your throat to get rid of the “food” you ate last night and all the alochol you drank.
    obvi you have your j rolled up already, bedside sesh to cure the day. lay in bed all day and watch tv

    Posted on Reply
  23. Liberal Arts "School" Betch says:

    While it is true that they will pounce on any and all opportunities for indulgence and utilization of slave labor (maid, daddy’s assistant, frat pledges) to take a day off of their super busy lives, sometimes a betch needs to get out of bed to get shit done. For this, a betch pops an adderall before getting dressed in her hottest, most accomplished looking betch outfit. Then, she walks around campus looking, acting, and being super betchy while totally looking down on those slobs in leggings that don’t have the money to buy their doctors off for the prescription. Nothing slows a betch down.

    Posted on Reply
  24. a betch says:

    honestly the best fucking post i have seen on here in weeks.
    right on point, described 2/3 of my week perfectly.
    keep betching betches

    Posted on Reply
  25. sammi says:

    deffinately just read that in a jenna marbles voice

    Posted on Reply
  26. seeyah says:

    more like a true betch would wake up and do a line of coke and kill that hangover right where it started. always ready to rage again

    Posted on Reply
  27. Anonymous says:

    I just drink more. Loves it.

    Posted on Reply
  28. princessbitch* says:

    Totes agree with you.  Like if your naturally skinny as fuck like me I don’t worry about throwing shit up because frankly that shits for insecure fatties. gross. Coke (real fucking coke) and Chronic are the best cure for a hangover! Try eating breakfast too and not throw it up like a desperate wannabe.  Guess it sucks to be naturally gross and chubby because coke and a blunt are the only way to go.. i feel bad for all the poor size 3 betches on here that constantly have their heads down the toilet. Pathetic.

    Posted on Reply
  29. slender betch says:

    oh perf. spot on; like I really need to pretend to hate Coke because I’m naturally skinny? hah no. I couldn’t gain weight if I tried.

    haha I laugh at these silly girls, if you all love yourselves as much as you claim to, then you wouldn’t have an eating disorder or even joke about it. sorry & you know it’s true. xo.

    Posted on Reply
  30. Alyssa betch says:

    Last night was mad real. -Kanye

    How about delirious Recaps with fellow ladies shared over bloody Marys brought to you by the men in bed

    Posted on Reply
  31. Katie says:

    Woke up and drank coffee and a bottle of Baileys with my bestie then got yelled at for our behavior but Hangovers shouldn’t start til six pm when you finally stop drinking

    Posted on Reply
  32. Its Me$ha BETCH says:

    My hangovers usually kick in once the sun goes down because when the sun comes up after a night out im still drunk as hell

    Posted on Reply
  33. Lee says:

    Exactly! Eating disorders are psychological - no one really “thinks” they have one therefore never talks about it!

    Posted on Reply
  34. anon says:

    what about smoking a fat blunt? any real betch would know that

    Posted on Reply
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