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By The Betches on

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For the all deserved praise dumped on bros for having a dick, the value of the vagina can’t be overstated. After all, it’s the one thing that gives betches a reason for being here, though gay bros have found a functional (if not unseemly) workaround. While science has proven that bros don’t think about sex every 7 seconds or however often it supposedly is, because bros are classy as shit, within seconds of meeting you we’re still thinking “what’s her vag like?” Years of sexual conquests and porn watching have taught us that each one’s different, and it’s our civic duty to discover every variety.

Everyone take a break from Shopbop and failing at making your own anonymous twitter account, and let’s talk about what’s really on our minds: what guys think of your vagina.

Tightness

First of all, we're going to get this out of the way: If you’re a bro and think you have a relatively normal dick yet feel like you need to wear a safety harness to keep from falling into every girl you fuck, you need to either: 1) realize that dicks are measured in inches, not centimeters or 2) capture the sasquatches you’re having sex with and turn them in to the authorities. On the other hand, if you’re a girl getting plugged with 5-8 inches of different penii 6 nights a week, that doesn’t make you a betch, it makes you a whore. I’m betting if you calmed down things would tighten up and you’d stop sounding like a fucking wet tennis shoe when you walk.

deenaAn exemplary Sasquatch
There is such a thing as too tight, though I’m not sure how. I’m not technically a doctor, but I know that babies (aka the worst fucking STD you can get) are supposed to fit through there. If my dick can’t, maybe it’s a sign you weren’t meant to reproduce, I don’t know. I don’t know what to tell you. I guess settle down with a guy with a tiny dong and all the insecurity that comes with it?

Odor

I think girls think about this way more than they should. Granted, if I’m standing next to you in a bar and can smell that revolving door you call a vagina, you don’t need advice from a betch or a bro, you need a fucking doctor. Otherwise, just take a fucking shower every once in a while and we’ll be cool.

A lot of girls worry about the way their areas smell in the sweaty summer months and it makes them less likely to go to pound town. That’s retarded, because if your shit is sweaty so is mine, and sweaty crotches all kind of smell the same regardless of who they belong to. A little sweat running down your thighs is no excuse to not let me bang you behind the poolhouse at the country club.

bridesmaidsIT'S IN

Maintenance

Bros prefer a shaved vaj the same way we prefer Bud Light to Natty – we’re not going to turn down either one, and if you put one of each in front of us we’d fucking take both. That said, there are some really fucking weird guys out there who like some really weird shit, so you might be able to get away with more than you think. Just keep it clean. I remember seeing a girl bend over at the beach one time and it looked like she was using fucking pine straw as a maxi pad. Wood chippers don’t kill boners that fast. Similarly, if you’re dating a guy who demands you keep your shit completely hairless, I have to ask: Do the cops make him bring over one of those sex offender signs to post when he’s at your place?

Remember betches, your girl-parts are like Kim Richard's choice in men: They don’t have to be pretty, they just have to work.

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19 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Steve says:

    Real Pros don’t do vag odor. The only time a girl SHOULDN’T think about this every minute of every fucking day is if she wants to live out her days in the minor leagues fucking frat-tards. Check your name back to Bro, bro… your Bro is showing.

    Posted on Reply
  2. Anonymous says:

    Love the Bro’s perspective!! soo funny. keep it coming!(pun intended)

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    Stevie-pie, chill out and stop reading a website for girls. If you cannot, please proceed to the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

    Posted on Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    Pubic hair is for cavemen. Shave, you damn barbarians.

    Posted on Reply
  5. LKC says:

    Perfection - “sounding like a fucking wet tennis shoe when you walk”!  Absurd, but hilarious!

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    This is so unbetchy.  Betches know how to keep this shit in order and then to not talk about it except when scheduling bikini waxes together.  If you don’t know this info go read it from like Redbook or something.  I know a lot of people read this website but I like to think it aims to cater to a more elite demographic.

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  7. anonymous says:

    “babies aka the worst fucking STD you can get” hilarious. So glad you could write this well all while making it vom proof

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  8. Anonymous says:

    If you don’t already know how to take care of your vjay, then you obvs don’t care about yourself… Which means your not a betch.

    Posted on Reply
  9. duh says:

    at the end of the day, you bros are just our bitches

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anon says:

    Agreed, this article made me vom. It’s the sort of crass discussion I expect from 12-year-old boys or frat boys with beer bellies, not a supposed “pro” here. On top of that, the grammar is atrocious. Head Betches, bring back the class!

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    ya gross. i don’t need a guy to tell me what to do..most bros don’t even know how to make a woman come. so don’t tell me how to maintain myself. how bout you maintain yourself? ewwww, guys are gross. i hate them. fuck me and then leave.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    Wait, I have to say people who comment on how “unbetchy” this article is are totally ridiculous—who the fuck cares, its supposed to be funny. If you actually take this shit seriously then you’re fucking lame.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    Many guys i’ve spoken to say the biggest problem when eating girls out is all the stubble down there from shaving. WAX, GIRLS! shaving is gross.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:

    Um, excuse you, Patrick Bateman?

    Posted on Reply
  15. Anonymous says:

    I don’t take this seriously, but I do appreciate witty satire.  Not a gross typical Bro’s perspective about shaving my vagina.  If I wanted to hear that kind of talk I’d go hang out with my guy friends. Nothing new, nothing witty, I prefer the betch writers.

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  16. betch says:

    “revolving door you call a vagina.”  nice tucker max quote.

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    seriously! teach me how to get off when some drunk ass bro is aimlessly waving his junk around and not getting the job done. don’t tell me how to take care of parts you don’t even have.

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    If she keeps it neat, you keep it neat.

    Posted on Reply
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