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By The Betches on

It's no secret that the Head Betches at Betches Love this are all knowing, powerful, and always fucking right...but sometimes lacking a penis limits our perspective on the greater aspects of life and complicated issues like, What exactly constitutes deep throating and, is it ever okay to date a guy with a 5 figure salary?

With that we bring you a new section written by our very own resident Pro, who we semi-poached from AskMen.com. Tired of the same amazing advice from The Betches every Sunday? Feel free to Ask A Bro. Send your emails to HeadPro@betcheslovethis.com and find out why he's just not that into you from a guy who's shadier than Brad Pitt circa 2005, has very bad intentions, and his very own dick.

With that, here's our new Head Bro, and don't forget to follow him on Twitter @betchesheadpro

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If there’s one thing bros are good at (and there isn’t; the list is endless), it’s talking betches into fucking them. If there’s one thing betches are good at it’s… I don’t know, the ability to make an exit the next morning without fucking waking me up?

Anyhow, in college, it’s pretty easy for betches to judge bros, as the best ones are either in the right fraternity or on the lacrosse team (if you have daddy issues/rape fantasies). Sadly, after spending the better part of a decade getting betches into bed by asking if they’d like to “see your fish tank,” something awful on par with the fucking holocaust happens:

Bros have to get fucking jobs.

 

best buy guy"You owe me for half of last night's dinner. I overdrafted."

 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s great that betches don’t do work, because that means when I text you at 1AM on a Tuesday to ask “want 2 hasng out laetr? wink, you don’t have work as an excuse to resist such an eloquent overture. Unfortunately for betches, not doing work means you don’t know shit about it, and that means you’re only a vodka soda and some vague talk about “finance sounding things” away from waking up to some joker scurrying off to a job that requires a fucking nametag.

Though we don’t always show it, an atrocity like female circumcision or a hot betch fucking an accountant, is something that stirs a bro’s soul. Open up betches, because I’m about to mama bird the shit out of you. Let’s take a look at which bros are worth granting the privilege of being with a betch who’s anorexic enough to still shop at Abercrombie (without the Fitch)…if that brand wasn’t a blemish on the face of society.

 

Pros:

 

These are the guys that make all but the most secure betch wonder if she’s even good enough. If you land one of these, count yourself lucky (just don’t let them know that).

Finance - I’m lumping in all the bros who work in investment banking, sales and trading, research, and private equity/hedge funds/venture capital, because let’s be honest betches don’t have the fucking attention span to learn the difference.

Why You Want Them: The dollars. Expect him to be as fashion-obsessed as a man can be without being gay and to take you to some legit hotspots because once finance has crushed your soul, you (rightfully) assume that girls will only fuck you because you have money.

Why You Might Get Fucked: It turns out that no 23 year-old bro, no matter how good his Ivy League education, is worth $180k per year, so they make them work the equivalent of three jobs. Also, keep your ears open for anyone who pronounces it “finnance”. If you hear this, congratulations, you’re dating a real life Patrick fucking Bateman, and I’m not saying that to mean a young Christian Bale.

Consulting - Consultants describe themselves as problem-solvers who swoop in to help companies solve their greatest business challenges. What they really mean is that their liberal arts degrees prevented them from getting into finance, and clients hope that paying their firm to come in and work as really expensive interns will bump up their stock price a few eighths of a fucking point.

Why You Want Them: Ah, the life of a consultant. Jetting off to exotic locales (or bumfuck Nebraska), having all of your expenses paid, and making your clients feel like fucking idiots on a regular basis. Plus, all that travel adds up to a metric shit ton of frequent flier miles that he can use to take you on trips, which marks the first and only time that paying with a coupon legitimately passes as a status symbol.

Why You Might Get Fucked: The nature of his job means he’s almost never in the same city you are. If he’s got the goods to get your attention, odds are he literally has ho’s in different area codes.

 

car fixing guyOMG, you could like, totally be in a Carrie Underwood video

 

 

The Low-Hanging Fruit:

 

Could you do better than these guys? Of course you fucking couldn’t, because the very act of stooping to this level means that you settle faster than Odwalla juice when mixed with vodka. Still, at least they had to go to college (I think).

Law – If I said you signed a beautiful arbitration clause when you were blackout, would you hold the date-rape against me?

Why You Want Them: To be fair, big time corporate lawyers can make a shitload of money. Bankers and consultants love their lawyers, because they exist to rubber-stamp whatever bullshit they try to pass off as work on their clients. Never mind that three years of law school means he’s pushing 30 and working first year banker hours for less money, because next time you get a public intoxication charge you know who to call.

Why You Might Get Fucked: Two words: Public Defender. Welcome to dating a guy with crushing debt, no income, and an unflappable belief that poor people deserve a voice. If you’re having trouble adapting to bulimia, this ought to help.

Accounting - Accounting is the absolute bottom rung of the professional services world. They neither work enough hours to feel entitled nor enjoy enough perks to flippantly fly down to Argentina for a weekend.

Why You Want Them: Ummm… I really don’t know. If I wanted to hang out with people who stood over my shoulder checking my arithmetic all day, I’d go back to the fucking third grade.

Why You Might Get Fucked: Other than “There’s no accounting for how my dick is so large, given that I’m white”, not once has a sentence using the word “accounting” gotten even the most desperate betch to lie about being on the pill. Here’s a tip girls: If a guy works in a field that your dad can hire on an hourly basis (be it law, accounting, or fucking gardening), he’s not worth wasting an OTC Plan B on.

 

The Untouchable Caste:

 

Guys in this category don’t deserve a fucking breakdown, because you’d need to have one to even consider fucking them. Still, I’ll give you a little cheat sheet to keep in the back pocket of your J-Brands:

- Anyone in customer service: Like being a public defender without the law school pedigree - Actor/musician/artist/writer: All euphemisms for unemployed - Working “in industry”: A 50/50 shot. His dad’s an oil/telecom/media mogul? Welcome to the Lucky Sperm Club. He had to interview for his job? Welcome to fucking an accountant who couldn’t even cut it at an accounting firm. - Construction/Mechanic or any other manual labor: Exception – if you just got dumped by a pro with an office job and want a guy who will make him feel like less of a man.

So remember betches, the only way you should judge a pro by his cover is whether or not he has to pay any. Check out his business card instead.

 

76 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Anonymous says:

    What about a massage therapist? They have hot bods and know how to use their hands wink

    Posted on Reply
  2. sarah Shea says:

    What about doctors?

    Posted on Reply
  3. skepticbetch says:

    great column, head bro, but aren’t you a “writer?” hard to take daddywarbux advice from a little orphan annie

    Posted on Reply
  4. TXbetch says:

    Not gonna lie, I was totally hesitant about accepting the idea of a straight XY on the betches site, but Head Bro definitely brought it.  Glad to know we’ve got someone on the other side looking out for us and to aid the Head Betches’ efforts of setting us on the path of gloriously betchy success.  I’ll totes be looking forward to his posts. 
    Just a thought… but perhaps the Head Betches should look into penning advice for bros on one of the multitude of bro-oriented sites??  Because we’ve deff all known more than our fair share of bros that we wish the betches could set straight…

    Posted on Reply
  5. SrattyBetch says:

    Am I the only one that thinks if I wanted to read a bro’s perspective I’d do to bros like this site? Fucking duh. This new head bro better have better material in the future or its just another not read column here.

    Posted on Reply
  6. TXbetch says:

    Ummm but that’s too much work… I appreciate that the Head Betches brought the bro perspective here so that I have easy access to it if I want… One stop shop, thank you.

    Posted on Reply
  7. emj says:

    “Plus, all that travel adds up to a metric shit ton of frequent flier miles that he can use to take you on trips, which marks the first and only time that paying with a coupon legitimately passes as a status symbol.”

    LOL

    Posted on Reply
  8. Betch Please says:

    Nice job Head Bro. You put yourself in the untouchable caste as a writer.

    Posted on Reply
  9. Georgetown betch says:

    Doctors, dentists, pharmacists? Pharmacists make 6 figures just for counting pills all fuckin day

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    Accountants don’t work enough hours - what a joke! Where did you get your business degree from anyway? Clearly it has gotten you far.

    Posted on Reply
  11. TXbetch says:

    Pharmacists hell no… why would I want a lameass who does something a monkey could do??  Real panty dropper there.
    Six figures is nice but that alone isn’t gonna get a true betch on her back (or however it happens to be that she likes it).  Everyone knows that pharmacists are just the ones who couldn’t make it into/through Med school.  And betches don’t take second best…  Pharmacists are the “rich” guys we leave for nice girls.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    Ever heard of the Big 4? Accountants are working 80+ hours. It’s also a known fact its a known route to go from a CPA to CFO to CEO. Peace dumb ass

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    Best bros own a successful construction company (aka took over their dads company)... Make other bros feel less manly and pull in big $$

    Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:

    What about them. Oh and doctors

    Posted on Reply
  15. Pharmacist betch says:

    Totally wrong. Pharmacy school is harder than med school. Also…welcome to 6 figure salary AND candy land.

    Posted on Reply
  16. Anonymous says:

    I thought about being a pharmacist too! Until I realized how unbetchy that is for a girl and decided to marry a doctor instead. And guess who else thinks pharm school is harder than med school? NO ONE.

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    minus lots of points for the Holocaust joke. your writing is like, sort of funny but overall it just smells like TTH. also your run-on sentences practically require i bump an addy. mediocre. stick to what you know best: watching jerry springer with your hands down your pants.

    Posted on Reply
  18. agreed says:

    totes agree with SrattyBetch. i don’t want to read this in a bro’s perspective.

    Posted on Reply
  19. Crazy Betch says:

    How completely fucking useless to leave the gate keeper of Candyland for nice girls.

    Posted on Reply
  20. Anonymous says:

    how about male bloggers? I don’t think I’m interested in this guy yet… I don’t hate you but I don’t like you. Well see.

    Posted on Reply
  21. Fairfield Betch says:

    Agree with crazybetch. Why leave a six figure salary and access to candyland for the nice girls? Fucking dumb.
    And theyre not on call like doctors. So they actually have time to spend all their money on you/ take you on vacays. Theyre doctors.they have doctrates. All the perks without the work

    Posted on Reply
  22. Drugged betch says:

    If this guy wants this list to be legit he would go back and add doctors and candy land gate keepers

    Posted on Reply
  23. Anonymous says:

    Those contruction company “bros” are all losers from Jersey.. ever seen real housewives of new jersey? Theyre not bros. Theyre bankrupt.

    Posted on Reply
  24. caroline says:

    just read a different site

    Posted on Reply
  25. kbetch says:

    Rex Van de Camp RIP said it best “Bree is a beautiful, classy lady.  Remember, they tend to end up with doctors, not pharmacists.”

    Case closed.

    Although, I actually do not believe doctors are the best catches.  They don’t actually start to make money until they are like 35, and even then it’s not that much for a lot of doctors.

    Posted on Reply
  26. kbetch says:

    Rex Van de Camp RIP said it best “Bree is a beautiful, classy lady.  Remember, they tend to end up with doctors, not pharmacists.”

    Case closed.

    Although, I actually do not believe doctors are the best catches.  They don’t actually start to make money until they are like 35, and even then it’s not that much for a lot of doctors.

    Posted on Reply
  27. Anonymous says:

    LOVE this guy! I’m assuming he has family money and will never need to earn any of his own, making it totally acceptable for him to be a writer. or a musician or artist or whatever the fuck he wants until he gets his trust fund and commits to his real job of blowing through cash.
    But seriously, lumping lawyers in with accountants? First year lawyers are making way more than accountants and even consultants the same age. And by the time you make partner you are well into the 1%

    Posted on Reply
  28. Anonymous says:

    Lawyers under the low hanging fruit?—Easy there, I get your trying (emphasis on trying) to be elitist but lets not get ahead of ourselves here.. you’re writing for the betcheslovethis site.

    Posted on Reply
  29. Anonymous says:

    Really?? I had no idea the only place in the country in need of construction was new jersey

    Posted on Reply
  30. Anonymous says:

    You’re a fucking retard. Pharmacists do NOT have PhDs( aka- NOT doctors by any standard). Also, pharmacists BARELY make six figures.The avg Pharm salary is $115k. Most business majors make more than that with a Bachelors degree. You can have fun with your lame ass Pharmacist pro while you’re driving your Hyundai. I’ll take my finance pro and his 300k salary any day over that.

    Posted on Reply
  31. Anonymous says:

    No YOURE fucking retarded. PhDs is a TYPE of Doctrate. Doctors get Medical Doctrates, and pharmacists get Pharmaceutical doctrates. ALL doctors.

    Posted on Reply
  32. chill says:

    chill it with the use of “fucking”. so unnecessary to use it every single sentence

    Posted on Reply
  33. Anonymous says:

    Sweetheart, if you’re going to argue, at least learn how to spell. It’s doctorate.

    Posted on Reply
  34. Anonymous says:

    So consider lawyers doctors too?They technically have a Juris Doctorate.  Nobody gets referred to as “doctor whatever” unless they are a physician, dentist, optometrist, or have a PhD

    Posted on Reply
  35. Anonymous says:

    “If there’s one thing bros are good at (and there isn’t; the list is endless), it’s talking betches into fucking them.”

    Ever heard of #notfuckingbros?

    We deign not to fuck you on the reg fyi.

    Posted on Reply
  36. Anonymous says:

    HAHAHA “how about male bloggers?”.

    Posted on Reply
  37. Anonymous says:

    the job market for lawyers is horrible fyi so unfortunately he’s dead on unless your pro graduates from a top law school in the top of his class.

    Posted on Reply
  38. hey says:

    What about engineers? In college I know the majors are hot…

    Posted on Reply
  39. Anonymous says:

    agreed. Holocaust jokes will never be funny and overall TTH. Also why are the head betches up his ass via twitter? lame

    Posted on Reply
  40. Anonymous says:

    head bro stop commenting on your own post

    Posted on Reply
  41. wtf says:

    “I’m about to mama bird the shit out of you.” Ew, what betch talks like this

    Posted on Reply
  42. Anonymous says:

    Just no. Engineers sit around doing math all day i.e. they’re boring as fuck.

    Posted on Reply
  43. Anonymous says:

    ^prob a lesbian

    Posted on Reply
  44. Sillybetch says:

    You need to clean this shut up. I feel like your trying too hard. Make it clear and funny. I shouldn’t be retreading sentences multiple times to figure out what you’re trying to say, I’m a smart betch.

    Posted on Reply
  45. lovesIT says:

    thoughts on architects?

    Posted on Reply
  46. Anonymous says:

    Clearly, you’ve never slept with an engineer. Nobody focuses on the woman like a cute techie who was doubtful they might ever get laid.

    Posted on Reply
  47. Pro says:

    For a smart betch you sure know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Also isn’t it TTH and sh*t up instead of shut up? Lay off the ganja.

    Posted on Reply
  48. Anonymous says:

    boom hashtag roasted

    Posted on Reply
  49. Anonymous says:

    Completely agree about the lolocaust jokes. Anne, Frankly they’re rude.

    Posted on Reply
  50. Anonymous says:

    Smart, and with an English degree, clearly.

    Posted on Reply
  51. sillybetch says:

    Sorry I don’t proofread the comments on a blog that I write from my iPhone. It doesn’t matter anyway though, cause I’m hotter, smarter, and more fun than both of you so I can do/write whatever I want.

    Posted on Reply
  52. Anonymous says:

    wow reading some of these comments makes me question human intelligence

    Posted on Reply
  53. Anonymous says:

    What about talent agents/managers? That work for the big four agencies WME, CAA, ICM, UTA??

    Posted on Reply
  54. Anonymous says:

    um no. idc how much they say they make. its still blue collar.

    Posted on Reply
  55. Anonymous says:

    spot on about finance! my pro pronounces it “finnance” and i found it hilarious cause i’d never heard it pronounced that way until he brought me into his circle

    Posted on Reply
  56. Jlee says:

    What about professors? And Ross Geller is totes a joke, but I remember always having crushes on my professors. haha

    http://jleesblog.com

    Posted on Reply
  57. Pro says:

    iPhone has auto-correct… total fail. I hope you are hotter, cuz clearly you’re dumb as a welfare recipient.

    Posted on Reply
  58. Anon says:

    First of all, the grammar in this article is HORRIBLE. Second, you’re missing doctors, businessmen and pros who work for the family biz (aka #17 LSC pros). Lawyers are def not Low-Hanging Fruit; if you wanted a second occupation for that category, engineers would have made sense. Lawyers, doctors and businessmen belong in some category between Pros and Low-Hanging Fruit.

    Also, this sounds like a #52 Gay BFF, not a Bro. I obvi love my gay BFF, but that seems to defeat the purpose of having a “Dear Bro” column.

    Posted on Reply
  59. Melissa says:

    Totes agree. If I even slightly cared about what bros had to say I would fucking talk to them. All this complimenting bros shit just goes to their already fat heads. I don’t see them loving on the betches on their website.

    Posted on Reply
  60. sillybetch says:

    You wrote the word “cuz”, what are you a 12 year old boy? And yes, iPhone does have auto correct, but it doesn’t know that you meant to write “shit” instead of “shut” or “you’re” instead of “your”, because all of them are actual words. You would know this if you weren’t too poor to own an iPhone yourself.

    Posted on Reply
  61. Anonymous says:

    Funny and somewhat entertaining, but pros working in finance and investment are not the only prizes out there. Lawyers are def hot/rich/can be well-dressed. And this new “Head Bro” missed doctors…who make a shitload of money. They end up working shitty hours and have to study because of med school/residency, but like all good/worthy investments, you come out on top—wife of a doctor and continuing to spend like a betch.

    Posted on Reply
  62. Spot on expect... says:

    Accounting…is not just looking at numbers. that’s what poor staff people do. 7 figures baby, and fucking ton of travel to europe.

    Posted on Reply
  63. irrelevant says:

    if you’re Jewish/Indian, marry one to ensure a nice spot on daddy’s will. Otherwise, don’t touch him unless he owns a private practice.

    Posted on Reply
  64. Judge Me says:

    Let’s talk about stability for one second.

    Doctors were not mentioned, who have the most fucking stable cashflow next to oilmen (by the way petroleum engineers are bank so fuck you who said no engineers, and usually they are pretty fratty). Investment bankers are working in the most up and down market ever so have fun having a private plane one day then downsizing with a second mortgage later.

    So aim your targets wisely because you don’t want to become the next Taylor Armstrong.

    Head Bro, what the fuck? How did you miss the whole medical field???? And oil money? Law is not a bottom feeder either if they practice the kind that makes bank! Luxury real estate? How do you not know this? Sounds like someone was in a bottom-tier fraternity. That’s what happens when you ask a bro to do a betch’s job. You’re gold digging advice is bullshit.

    Posted on Reply
  65. Anonymous is dumb says:

    Yes, lawyers are doctors. Anyone who receives a doctorate in a field is considered a doctor. Doctor means “to teach”. Today we associate people in medicine as Doctors only but everyone is who has it. Someone is a Doctor of Law or now called a Juris Doctorate of Law. Back in the day, priests, popes and clergymen were called Doctors.

    Read a book. or even easier - google it.

    Posted on Reply
  66. The Truth says:

    Accountants make more money than all the other busy majors, and work long hours, and travel to europe all the time.

    The author clearly shacked at an accountants place and never got called back. Or judging by your writing you’re probably just bitter cause you failed accounting, and couldn’t even get into Eller.

    Posted on Reply
  67. Anonymous says:

    What about the boys in the military? nothing beats that sexy uniform for me

    Posted on Reply
  68. Your Name says:

    DId Daddy proofread this for you after you finished typing it in his basement?  I’m sure Daddy really loves you.  Give Daddy a kiss for me.

    Posted on Reply
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