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By The Betches on

It's week #2 of Girls and we're still not totally sure how we feel about this grotesque portrayal of fat nice girls. Generally it's like watching a car accident. Though the visuals continue to scar us, the writing is still the best part. So really this show should be an audio book...or a horror story Lena Dunham tells around a campfire to scare the shit out of prepubescent rich girls.

Most importantly why does all the sex look sooo awful? First there's Hannah and her mutant fuck buddy having nauseating kinky sex that wasn't at all kinky, it was verbal abuse. Brits like Jessa might even call it word rape. That was really good...that was so good...I almost came. So his fantasy is to fuck an 11-year-old with a cabbage patch backpack. If this is based on Lena Dunham's real life we feel sorry for her, though we bet the real guy was actually into Hello Kitty backpacks and girls with retainers.

 

girls vagina panic

 

Then you have Marnie who prefers doggy to avoid looking at her girlfriend, followed by Jessa's accidental but really lucky miscarriage. Seriously with all this miserable sex I wouldn't be surprised if next week they join a convent and the show's new Twitter handle becomes @hboNUNS.

But let's focus on Hannah for a second. We may have invented the #70 delusional dater, but we couldn't have imagined a DD as serious as Hannah in our wildest dreams. When Adam was fucking her he was like "you better call me every time you come! You need my permission." She was probably thinking like "OMG you want me to call you!?!?! ...I knew this was getting serious!"

Then later when Marnie says to Hannah, he can't do this to you he's NOT your boyfriend...the look of shock on her face is profound, like, WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND?!?

And where does Hannah get her clothing? If she ever wanted to pick up a cabbage patch backpack I'm sure she could find one in stock at her favorite salvation army outlet. Seriously does she like, shop the Obits? Now that she's cut off I guess she needs to resort to perusing the closets of Brooklyn's recently deceased.

Soooo, jokes about rape a no-no at job interviews. Noted.

 

girls vagina panicRight, because this isn't what lesbians do either

 

"If I wanted to go on dates I would, but I don't, because they're for lesbians." - Why are dates for lesbians? Is this something delusional knocked up people say? Seriously Jessa who are you, you don't even text. Must also be for lesbians.

Oh and what's with the AIDS obsession? Sorry Hannah but when you mention AIDS on the reg like this, you can't pretend your Forrest Gump-based fear of AIDS is not completely irrational. The last time I heard someone so uncertain about HIV was let's see, never, because I wasn't born yet. News flash Hanns, you're further removed from the people in RENT than you think. We seriously doubt their concerns were over unpaid internships. The only person on this show who seems realistically at risk for AIDS is Jessa, who decided to skip her abortion to fuck some bro in a bar bathroom...props Jess for the irony. 525,600 minutes, 525 thousand moments at Planned Parenthood so dearrrrrr.

Let's talk about Shoshanna. It seems we've got a 22-year-old virgin on our hands. Guess that's what happens when the only bar you chill at is Dylan's. Maybe if she wasn't so busy making inspirational bulletin boards and reading hot pink dating advice books "for the ladies" her cherry would have been popped already. The only lady on this show is Marnie's boyfriend.

Finally the line of the night goes to Hannah for this: "You're a really good friend. And you threw a really good abortion." You know on most shows about girls like Gossip Girl/Revenge/Real Housewives, there's usually like a big event or party that all the characters get dressed up for that sets up the climax of the episode? Well on this show the main event is an abortion. Girls...they're just like us...except not at fucking all.

 

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14 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. eh says:

    you betches probably can’t related because you’re busy living in Murray Hill, drinking at Joshua Tree, and fucking your best friend’s ex boyfriend who works at Goldman

    Posted on Reply
  2. Anonymous says:

    are you, like, proud that you can relate?
    i mean…

    Posted on Reply
  3. Carol says:

    I think this is one of the most offensive web sites I’ve ever read.

    Posted on Reply
  4. this bitch loves it. says:

    I know yall don’t care about these hater replies. If they don’t like what you say why are they reading it? I totally agree…. This show is so weird. Sex and the ciry can only be done once. And I can’t stand these ‘girls’

    Posted on Reply
  5. girls fan says:

    this wasn’t a very well written article .. it just took the humor that the show already wrote and was put into a summary of words
    you didnt make fun of anyone, you literally just recapped and tried to be crude
    love this show
    love this site
    but terrible article

    Posted on Reply
  6. BetchIsSoGonnaHappen says:

    There is nothing terrible about this recap.  It’s true: GIRLS is a diluted representation of some weird imagined characters that four unkempt NY fugs dreamt up.  Nepotism is acceptable only when the product is as good as/better than the other shit out there. The fact that this show is on the same network as Game of Thrones makes you wonder who pulled a fucking favor.  This show is like eating a western bacon cheeseburger when you’re already 20 lbs. overweight, without feeling full, and without throwing up. 

    To the cast of GIRLS: brush your fucking hair.

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    Come on, now. Clearly the hot betches and Pros who work at Goldman drink at The Hill when in Murray Hill. Joshua Tree is for bros and the sluts who fail to #8 not fuck them.

    Posted on Reply
  8. anonymous says:

    the show is an satire about girls. kinda like along the exact lines of this website…it’s just an exaggeration of shit girls think/do/say/everyday probs. try getting high and not taking it seriously next time, you’ll find it more entertaining.

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  9. Anonymous says:

    go back to touching yourself to Anne Hathaway movies.

    Posted on Reply
  10. lolz says:

    best insult/comeback

    Posted on Reply
  11. Me says:

    I love this show, I think it’s hysterical in its subtle humor and awkwardness. Hint, hint: the sex is awkward in order to make a point. I think a lot of people forget that. Also, if the show was about the shitty things that happen to men, no one would say anything except how funny the show is.
    We need to grow up and realize that women can be very funny, that a woman can write (AND ACT) in an awkward sex scene, make jokes about abortions, or even be a virgin at 22.

    Posted on Reply
  12. harrison says:

    i’m a guy, and my guy friends convinced me to watch the first 3 eps of this show. they claimed it was really good, and “realistic.”

    honestly, watching this show makes me want to vomit. this review really nailed it for me. the characters are not realistic. hannah, a well educated girl with a social clue, makes a rape joke in an interview. even better she does this at age 24??? why the only hot girl on the show is going out with a complete loser is beyond me. and where in the hell did the guy that’s banging hannah get the idea that he has a good body? first episode i thought he was fat. he looked to be in sort of good shape in the second and third episodes.

    i’ve never been to this website in my life. i came here to read this article after some moron referenced it in the huffington post, but my god were you guys spot on about this chicks clothes. she looks like a hipster. a very ugly one. i would need 10 beers at the minimum.

    i’ll end with this: give me murray hill over williamsburg anyday.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    Glad someone finally mentioned it. Whoever wrote this needs to take a cue from the Revenge recaps. Or just stop trying so hard and let the real Betches write. BYE

    Posted on Reply
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