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By The Betches on

Dear Bro,

Have you ever gotten an angry text a drink thrown in your face from your girlfriend, or a girl who thought she was your girlfriend, and you didn't know why? We know betches are incredibly complex creatures and can only be fully understood by watching a marathon of Clueless, Mean Girls, and Sex and the City (the series, not the menopausal hot flash that lasted two movies). But in the spirit of post-finals/pre-holiday vacation giving boredom, we decided to share our insight with you. And if we happen to somehow benefit from it, that's just right on par with most of our "selfless" deeds, aka the mandatory community service we performed this year after our most recent DUI.

Sorry, enough about us. Sometimes we get sidetracked trying to redirect the conversation to ourselves. Over the course of our young adult lives we've encountered a variety of pros who fit our ideal model for someone who's tall, dark, and douchey. But aside from superficial things like wealth and physical beauty, we also crave a deeper relationship with someone who understands our core values like sarcasm and social status. Someone who's not intimidated by our overwhelming beauty, twenty-four-inch waist and reality TV addiction. Someone who knows how to walk that fine line between backhanded compliments and verbal abuse.

step brothersYou can get away with: "It's the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer"

But lately, it seems that pros, for whatever reason, whether it's laziness or lack of brain cells due to prescription pill addictions, do not "get" us, and often say things that are not only offensive but self-fulfilling cock blocks. See below for a list of the fifteen things to never say to your girlfriend, a girl who you deluded into thinking she's dating you, or any girl you're trying to fook.

Money:

1. (from any guy) "I can't afford that."

We're not sure if we've ever expressed this on our website, but we won't date you if you are poor. And by poor we mean anyone who complains about money or discusses out loud that he paid for dinner. We have a certain rep to protect and we're not trying to go on dates to The Olive Garden in your Impala. Sure your erection may last twenty minutes but diamonds last forever. Also, the holidays are rapidly approaching and if you tell me that you can't afford whatever overpriced purse, jewelry item, or dog I request, you're more dead to me than Brittany Murphy.

Being nice:

2. "I'm a virgin"

3. "You're the prettiest girl I've ever met."

As previously stated being nice is purely unacceptable. It means that you're not compensating for something with the entitled attitude that makes you ten points more attractive. Outright compliments have the same effect on girls as coke does on your dick.

Cheating:

beauty and the beastPretentious prick

4. (from your boyfriend) "I didn't cheat on you. Well, I was going to but the girl wasn't down."

5. (from someone you're hu with or dating) "I went to a rub and tug this morning. Don't worry, I'm not dirty. She only jerked me off"

6. "It's not cheating if you had to pay for it."

7. (response from someone trying to hu with you when you ask if he has a gf) "Well, it's complicated. She's in Canada."

8. (from someone you're hu with or dating) "I only hooked up with your best friend for second so it doesn't count. It's called the two minute rule, ever heard of it?"

9. (from someone you're hu with or dating) "I'm just going with her to her overnight formal as friends"

10. (from someone you're hu with) "I would've hooked up with someone the weekend I was visiting another school but I had already did with everyone at the pregame, bar, and after hours"

11. (from boyfriend) "I've never cheated on you but for some reason that I wont disclose, I think it's best if we start using condoms."

12. (from hu or bf) "Sorry I didn't answer your texts/calls/emails/pings from 8pm to 1pm. I didn't have my phone."

13. (from hu or bf) Girl: Omg I didn't know I left my lip gloss here. Guy: Actually you didn't, [insert girl's name] she asked me to hold it for her when were at the [insert event here] that you weren't invited to.

Being dirty and/or a creep:

14. (from someone you've had sex with) "It was stupid of you to have sex with me without a condom."

15. (from any guy) "I broke up with my last girlfriend because I didn't want to be a senior in college and attending a high school prom."

Here's the deal bros, one of the reasons we like you is because you're a commodity. Other girls wanting you while we have you all to ourselves is similar to why we buy Prada boots and Hermes belts, you are a status symbol showing everyone how superior we are, but more on that later. However, having a guy for one night and being his girlfriend are two completely different things. If we wanted to share then we'd get our Balenciaga bags from Bag, Borrow, or Steal. But we don't, because we don't like to rent purses and we similarly don't like to share guys with other betches, like if I wanted to start sharing I'd give my Kate Spade pencil case to my Ecuadorian housekeeper Nita, fucking duh.

So bros, watch the word vomit, because we'd rather you literally throw up on us than have to listen to your stupid drunken rants or compliments. It only takes one fucked up slip to find yourself alone on a Saturday night with the one bitch who doesn't mind that you're an asshole, your dick.

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23 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Gay BFF says:

    “you’re more dead to me than Brittany Murphy”

    Posted on Reply
  2. Anonymous says:

    “Someone who’s not intimidated by our overwhelming beauty, twenty-four-inch waist and reality TV addiction. Someone who knows how to walk that fine line between backhanded compliments and verbal abuse.”

    Perfection.

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    “we also crave a deeper relationship with someone who understands our core values like sarcasm and social status.”

    soooo effing true.

    Posted on Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    you don’t rent your purses but apparently you rent your cars…..whatevs though, this post is amazing.  fire the girl who wrote about leasing the BMW.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    Copied n quoted several parts of this post to my betches!!! Hysterical

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    well done.betches are back!!

    Posted on Reply
  7. skinny says:

    This post is fucking awesome. I think the head betches need to get SmokePro up and running on your site, in hopes that it will make them feel as trashy and gay as it makes chicks feel. The only stipulation; they require criteria, such as: wealth (career), where they hail from and looks.

    Posted on Reply
  8. jenni says:

    “Sure your erection may last twenty minutes but diamonds last forever”

    can i write this on my tombstone?

    Posted on Reply
  9. no betches says:

    I thought it was a lame read but w/e, I like 90% of the stuff on here

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    I see a girl wrote this because its not funny. Yes I am hating because I hate things that are not funny…..being this.

     

    Posted on Reply
  11. anon says:

    Betches you need to watch your spelling and grammar. I don’t want to read a post that actually takes brain cells to figure out the meaning. Fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    LOVE! some of the posts lately have been lacking but this is spot on! Keep it up betches!

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    24 inch waist? Ew. Betches clearly haven’t been keeping to their #diets.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:

    Agreed. Step it up, ladies. We may not try, but that doesn’t mean we’re fucking stupid.

    Posted on Reply
  15. ybetch says:

    kate spade? vom.com

    Posted on Reply
  16. Anonymous says:

    You absolutely disgust me.  Go gag yourself and throw up the celery you had for dinner.  Men don’t like skeletons.  Fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
  17. Bro says:

    The term “pros” is superfluous because Bros already embody every optimum attribute that can possibly exist in a man. We are completely dominant in every single facet of life. Actually, we Bros are so unparalleled in general greatness that to refer to us as “men” fails to do justice to our superhumanity. We’re basically living gods.

    Posted on Reply
  18. brovechkin says:

    can you do a post about why girls arent funny. schindlers list was funnier than this

    Posted on Reply
  19. brittany says:

    “It only takes one fucked up slip to find yourself alone on a Saturday night with the one bitch who doesn’t mind that you’re an asshole, your dick.”
    I died when i read this. Ruthless!

    Posted on Reply
  20. Jesse says:

    Rightly said betches! I love this

    Posted on Reply
  21. Anonymous says:

    I wish more guys read this..the world would be a better fucking place.

    Posted on Reply
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