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Dear Betch,

So, there's this really hot guy that I'm in to, and not to be cocky (well maybe just a little) but he's pretty into me as well. Everything seems to be good except 1 little problem, I've heard he possibly has a girlfriend.....I've asked him multiple times if he did and he keeps saying he's single. Do I follow up with him?

Love,

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

Dear No,

There’s an itching reason why you still think this guy has a girlfriend, and it’s because he has a girlfriend. Your overconfidence seems to be clouding your ability to see that this guy is playing you like a retarded cocky fiddle. Unless his name is Dexter or he’s leading some kind of sketchy double life, you should know if he’s taken or not. Have you ever even met his friends? Do they whisper shit to each other when you come around like “there’s the homewrecking whore” or “she looks nothing like his other 17 girlfriends”? These are all tell-tale signs that you’re probably not the only one this guy is boning. At the rate you’re going, you are the ‘other girl’. DON’T BE ANGIE JOLIE. God knows there’s only room for one of her and her 700 children on this planet. If you really want this guy to prove to you that he doesn’t have a girlfriend, make him take you out to an extremely overpriced dinner. When he’s willing to display you in public and pay $40 for your side salad, you’ll know it’s true love.

Sincerely,

The Betches 

Dear Betch, I have had a minor obsession with this guy for a very long time. We hooked once last year and ever since then I've never stopped wanting him. We've kind of rekindled and started hooking up for three weeks now. The only problem is that I only initiate conversations, dates, and any communication whatsoever. I like him so much that I can't seem to accept the fact that I am nothing but a booty call. What's a betch to do? Help me get over this guy or give me some advice as to how I can make him want me back.

Thanks, An Easy Catch

Dear Easy Catch,

So you agree, you think you’re a booty call? Your irrational obsession with this guy who clearly is more interested in speaking to your vagina than speaking to you via text has got to stop. I mean, think about it: the words “minor” and “obsession” are bigger antonyms than “Anderson Cooper” and “straight”, or “Kardashian marriage” and “really fucking long-lasting”. The only way to get over your desperation for this guy is to never speak to him again and find someone who is actually interested in you. Or just listen to this song and cry yourself to sleep tonight. 

Sincerely,

The Betches

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