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By The Betches on

Dear Betch,

I am seeking the guidance of your infinite wisdom Head Betches. After being motivated by your post to ditch the one that WGA, and successfully doing so I have set my sites on a new target.

I met this Pro who is a friend of a friend that is the complete opposite of what I would consider my usual "type." He is the type of Pro that wears pink and spends his summers in Martha's Vineyard. I on the other hand prefer black and tend to stay within a ten mile radius of the city.

We have hung out around each other multiple times, in bars with our mutual friends. We both have the same tendency to get drunk during these events and get rather touchy feely on each other, but no moves have been made.

My friend who I met this Pro through says he normally is attracted to plain betches, which let's face it, is just stupid since he could have a betch like me and just doesn't know it yet.

My question to you head betches, is how does a true betch turn this Pro's eye away from the plain betches to hop aboard the awesome express?

Much Love,

Not So Plain Jane Betch

Dear Not So Plain Jane Betch,

While we applaud your efforts to ditch the dreaded WGA, you're avoiding what's staring you in the fucking face with this guy. This Pro you're speaking of is in fact the Maybe Gay Bro but based on the evidence you're supplying, he sounds like more of a closeted actually gay bro. Many MGBs prefer plain/ugly girls because let's face it, they're not attracted to either and plain girls are easier to 'bed'. These girls are usually nicer and won't tell anyone when he inevitably gets himself so fucked up that he convinces himself he prefers vagina and successfully or unsuccessfully attempts to fuck them.

The only way you could get this guy is if you grow a penis, or are trying to be his beard, and no guy is worth that. Find a definitely straight guy, which you'll be able to decipher from his attraction to attractive women and his making actual moves on girls instead of acting like a pussy.


The Betches


Dear Betch,

I greatly admire your betchiness in all it's splendor. Your website's thorough analysis of all relevant Betch topics is exhaustive and omnipotent, but I do find myself wondering; what does a betch think about astrology? Of course anything that tells us more about how awesome we already are is orgiastic fodder- but sometimes it sounds like dumb shit. And then you have sexology; the attempt to reconcile relationships based on some dude's birthday. What is an otherwise brilliant betch to do?

Love or something like it,

Bewildered betch

Dear Bewildered Betch,

Astrology by its nature is very nice girly. Have you ever seen someone's sign described as "Aries never keep up with the news, are always #5 skinny, and love fro-yo"? Exactly. They're more broad generalizations like "Virgos love to be organized." Like yeah no shit, who doesn't love their maid?

While every betch knows her sign and probably has some sort of jeweled birthstone and maybe still gets emails that she signed up for in 8th grade, no one actually believes that shit. If you want to read a bunch of nice girl predictions about how the "Mercury in Capricorn is difficult to communicate with today therefore you should be aggressive and pick up a guy at a park," you might as well stop talking shit and buy a cat and a kindle. Betches don't need Cosmo's astrology section tell them what to do. They do whatever the they want and make their own destinies.

If you're using sexology to find out if a bro is into you, we'll give you the shortcut that we don't need his fucking birthday to decipher: he's not. If he were you'd be too busy having sex with him to see if your signs predict a high love match.

Remember, only betches have the power to make the stars align any way we fucking want. It's an honor that comes with being the greatest people in the galaxy.


The Betches


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7 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Anonymous says:

    “in all it’s splendor” ?
    sweet grammatical error for “an otherwise brilliant bitch”.
    That was such a dumb question.

    Posted on Reply
  2. Anonymous says:

    I couldn’t even bring myself to try and understand the second question. Vom.

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    did the second girl write that letter with a thesaurus in hand? totes tth, but 100% misusing those “big words” .... brilliant might be a bit of a stretch there

    Posted on Reply
  4. Lexi says:

    Dear Not So Plain Jane Betch-

    I wouldn’t automatically assume this one’s gay just because he hasn’t taken you home and pounded you like a jackrabbit yet. It is likely that these “plain” girls your friend mentions are really just girls that have some class and don’t have agoraphobia. While “hot” is fun for guys, most guys with class know not to take home to mother a girl who reeks of nouveau riche and who can’t keep up intellectually.

    If you’re really that hot and can keep up, don’t assume that just because this guy hasn’t made a move yet he’s not interested. Some men are more evolved. In the meantime, go pick up a book. I suggest

    But do not dare tell him you are just now reading it. This should have been on your sixth grade summer reading list.

    Find a way to have a one-on-one non-date with him and try to get a better read on him before giving up. Definitely do NOT throw yourself at him (men love the chase) but make him think he might have a shot.

    Good luck.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Betchin says:

    Plain girls? What guy prefers a plain girl to a sexy one, personalities notwithstanding? Seems gay to me, or maybe the betch in question isn’t so betchy (re: hot) after all

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    Sorry head betch, I think you may be off the mark with the first answer. I went a boarding school basically for the 1%, where most families have summer houses in the Hamptons, Cape Cod, or Martha’s Vineyard. Guys wearing pink polos and colored shorts and vacationing in one of those places were basically the norm and most of them were definitely not gay, just style-challenged.  I mean it’s always a possibility but def don’t think what “not-so-plain jane” said about him gives any concrete evidence of that.

    Posted on Reply
  7. Duhhh says:

    So the guy from the first question is definitely not gay. In all likelihood he is probably quite the opposite, a frat boy. Take it from a sorority betch, frat guys in pastels and boat shoes who have the money to spend their summers at Martha’s Vineyard are top of the line guys. I say go for it, but it is going to be hard to get that frat guy to hook up with an overconfident non-greek. Just saying…

    Posted on Reply
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