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By The Betches on

Dear Betch,

From reading other Dear Betch columns I assume that it's customary to start out with a gushing compliment. So I'd just like to say how much amusement, insight, and general life knowledge your site provides me with on a daily basis.

With that being said, I need some advice. I'm a junior in college, and in the past 2 1/2 years at school I have perfected the art of not fucking bros. This is pretty much due to the fact that every time a guy I liked became interested in me, I automatically lost interest and blew him off, only contacting him again when I was bored and felt like fucking with some poor bro's mind (poor in the figurative sense, obvi).

Anyway, I went to a party a few weeks ago and hit it off with this really hot guy. He's total pro material: tall, wealthy, in a great frat, engineering major, etc. The only problem is, he's a freshman. At first when he asked me out I told him he was too young for me, but the more I talk to him, the more I really start to like him. I haven't told any of my friends about him because I know that they think dating younger guys is like weirdly perverted or something.

Can this relationship even work? And if so, how do I avoid the inevitable shit talking that my besties will do if I start dating a younger guy?

Sincerely,

Cougar Betch

Dear Cougar Betch,

Every betch at one point or another has had the urge to rob the cradle, even if it was just for sixteen-year-old Justin Bieber pre-lesbionic earring phase. Now, assuming you're two consenting adults (pedophilia is never betchy), hooking up with a younger bro often has its benefits. Like most guys, they're scared as shit of you and are usually pretty easy to turn into your bitch.

However, your relationship with a freshman in college is inevitably doomed to failure. Usually it's only okay to hook up with freshmen as an upperclassman assuming it's on a dare or some sort of huge joke and the kid is especially hot. We highly doubt you'll be a 22-year-old living in the real world that's getting excited about buying your boyfriend alcohol and visiting him in efforts to rehash those oh so glamorous college frat parties. To make an actual relationship with one is kind of sketch and you can and will be judged by those around you.

That being said, a true betch wouldn't give a shit. Who cares what other people think about who you hook up with and what you do? The #43 haters will always find something to talk shit about, but if you don't give a shit it really doesn't matter. Demi Moore showed the world that even if you're old as fuck you can still land young, hot pros. However, that's no guarantee that when you hit menopause he won't redirect his charming playful innocence towards fucking the nanny.

Sincerely,

The Betches

 


 

Dear Betch,

I am a college betch in quite a pickle. So there's this totally hot bro (soon to be pro), he's completely loaded, and in the best fraternity. I have been crushing majorly on him, while still playing mysterious and hard to get, fucking duh. Being the hot betch I am, he obvs started to pursue me and it's like, whatever.

But theres one problem that I just recently uncovered: before college, he was like 50 pounds heavier... barf. Theres a couple pics of him before freshman year (he's a junior now) and he's totes fat. Like, what is a betch to do? I know appearance doesnt matter, bla bla bla, but fuck that. He's hot and inshape now, but whenever he buys me a drink now I can only see the fat kid that's inside of him. The previous extra poundage is just, like, a huge turnoff. Everything else though is basically perfect, but I cant get his 2008-esque stomach rolls out of my head. Help a betch out?

xoxo,

Shallow Betch

Dear Shallow Betch,

Ah, you're dating a former fatty. This is a double edged sword. First, you have to ask yourself: What kind of former fat kid is this guy? Growing up fat, this guy probably had to develop some sort of good personality in order to get anyone in their right mind to speak to him, especially hot betches. Hopefully, he still maintains his high school shadiness, and brings a really good mind game to the table. On the other hand, he could totally have a chip on his shoulder and be an introverted nice guy shamed by his former fat self. Stick around if he's the former. See Ryan Reynolds in Just Friends for an on-screen example. And hey, Rebecca Romijn traded in gorgeous Uncle JesseJohn Stamos for former tub of lard Jerry O'Connell and she seems pretty content.

But let's talk about the shitty stuff. Do you want the possibility of your perfect genes being tainted with fat ones? There's nothing worse than envisioning your future daughters idolizing plus size models or turning out happy and fat like Nikki Blonsky. That shit is the stuff of nightmares.

These are the questions you have to ask yourself before you begin a relationship with Jared from Subway. Good luck betch.

Sincerely,

The Betches

 

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27 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. LTC says:

    The first letter makes me want to fucking gag.  First of all, “I’d just like to say how much amusement, insight, and general life knowledge your site provides me with on a daily basis.”  Fucking pathetic ass kisser.
    Second of all, junior college.  Enough said.

    Posted on Reply
  2. Anonymous says:

    She said junior in college….

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    Pretty sure it was a joke….and you’re dumb.

    Posted on Reply
  4. betchamissme says:

    she said junior IN college not junior college.. but with you on the gagging

    Posted on Reply
  5. betchamissme says:

    the chicks that write into dear betch always try so fucking hard to suck up, it’s exhausting

    Posted on Reply
  6. K says:

    She said junior in college. Read closely before being such a hater

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    Junior in college, illiterate betch.

    Posted on Reply
  8. Hanna says:

    She’s a junior IN college, not in junior college.

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    ...The “chicks” that comment always try so hard.

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    ^^“junior in college”

    Posted on Reply
  11. Nikki says:

    “Ah, you’re dating a former fatty. This is a double edged sword.” So betchy loves it

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    hey how’s banging that freshman going

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    pretty sure there aren’t fraternities at junior colleges… but she did call it a frat which is seriously irritating. obvi not a sorority girl..

    Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:

    hahahaha are you me? literally just found pics of this super hot pro from like 2008 and he was chubs to the max, as well as wearing a gray hoodie and gray sweatpants.  now i seriously question how he got to where he is today..

    Posted on Reply
  15. Anonymous says:

    Does any body else feel as though The Betches pick the most retarded questions? Just saying…

    Posted on Reply
  16. Anonymous says:

    Formerly ugly/fat guys may be disgusting to backstalk, but there are serious benefits to them starting with the fact that they are usually really fun to be around and haven’t fucked any of your friends… and won’t try to. And you will always have the upper hand… You may have to sacrifice the mind games and shady behavior but not dating somebody because they USED to be fat would be like a guy not being interested in you because we saw a picture where you used to be pale. Unless he has severe personality flaws, why wouldn’t you go for it?

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    Hey girls, did you notice that she’s a junior IN FUCKING COLLEGE not at junior college?! Wow, I don’t think you all corrected that first comment enough. Overkill much? Quit pouncing on the poor chick, she was prob just reading the post on her #iPhone while on the #elliptical, not deciphering every word, psychos.

    Posted on Reply
  18. LTC says:

    Actually yeah I was reading it quickly on my iPhone so I wasn’t reading carefully.  Betches aren’t nitpickers.

    Posted on Reply
  19. C says:

    “That being said, a true betch wouldn’t give a shit. Who cares what other people think about who you hook up with and what you do? The haters will always find something to talk shit about, but if you don’t give a shit it really doesn’t matter.”

    Posted on Reply
  20. JLEE says:

    ‘There’s nothing worse than envisioning your future daughters idolizing plus size models or turning out happy and fat like Nikki Blonsky. That shit is the stuff of nightmares.’

    Haha, perfection.

    Posted on Reply
  21. Tayy says:

    That’s so perfect, a fat betch isn’t a betch at all.

    Posted on Reply
  22. Help says:

    Dear Betches,

    I’m in such a bad position. Half my besties are starting to get coupled up with our bro friends. Me and one of the bros are hooking up. And now everyone expects us all to go on annoying little quadruple dates and stay in on weekend nights. I am totes not okay with this. I mean I just started college I’m not ready to be an ugh. I just want everyone to keep going hard and not get tied down. I know I need to just start partying with my other besties who are single. But dating this one guy seems too easy because were all friends. But SO boring, and I just want to have a good time without and obnoxious bro to answer to.

    Sincerly,
    Not ready to be an ugh

    Posted on Reply
  23. Anonymous says:

    If i want to send a “dear betch” question to the HBs where do I send it?

    Posted on Reply
  24. Kellly says:

    i died. Haha.

    Posted on Reply
  25. ; says:

    previously-chub dudes can come out on top. first off, like the betch writing and responding to the advice columns, they definitely have had to work on amping their personality and attaining a top-par sense of humor.
    so not only will this guy who recently shed pounds have a good body, he will also be super fun to talk to. plus, he probably developed a little pinch of asshole, which is the perfect formula for what legit betches want.

    we want dudes who have a fucking backbone and are fun to be with, both in conversation and in the bedroom.

    Posted on Reply
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