Dear Betch,
With Christmas quickly approaching, I'm faced with a problem to which I think many betches can relate: what the eff do I get my Pro boyfriend? Is it even okay for a betch to buy a man a present? I've only been with this Pro for a few months, so I obvi wouldn't want to get him anything too nice. Plus, what if I were to get him something awesome and he got me something subpar (i.e. cheaper)? That would be embarrassing and so not betchy. Ugh, what's a betch to do?
Thanks,
Frosty Betch
Dear Frosty Betch,
Even though we are used to being showered with gifts from our parents and members of our extend families throughout the year, it's important that we know when to give back. We don't mean drop your iced coff and run to the nearest soup kitchen, we're just saying a gift here and there will show everyone that you're occasionally thoughtful. Like when I was in Ibiza I picked up my mom some locally made coasters and she was totes appreciative of the fact I did a nice thing and that I obviously have a deep respect for wood. Our point is that it's totally cool to get your boyfriend a present for the holidays.
Since you haven't been dating this guy for a while, it's important that you find out what the fuck he's getting you. I'm sure he has a friend that you're close to from whom you can seek some advice. But remember, these are your first holidays together so you're setting the bar for his birthday, and more importantly your birthday, and obviously the holidays to come. Get him something that shows you care but aren't obsessed with him. If after all of this you come out of the holidays with a monogrammed pen, your next move should be to get the fuck out of that relationship. Guy's not a pro, he's a cheap ass bro.
Sincerely, The Betches
P.S Frosty Betch is a fucking ridiculous yet hysterical name. Thanks for the laugh, see you're already giving. ____________________________________________
Dear Betch
So I've been friends with this girl since we were like 11. When we were 19 she did the least betchy thing ev when she didnt #abort. Like, I pretended to be happy for her and all but wtf was she thinking. Anyway now she has a baby and made me godmother. At first I was like "ok I guess I can run too bloomies and make my friends' baby the betchiest kid at daycare". After a few months the friend fb messaged me complaining about how betchy I am. Like I get that you're a mom now but I'm not so get off of your fucking moral high horse. Anyway I obvi couldn't have anyone like that in my life so we're not friends anymore. The prob is I keep seeing fb pics of the cute baby and I actually grew a heart and feel bad about not having contact w/ the baby. Should I send her a gift/card for christmas or just leave it alone. I am def not interested in having her 20 year old mom back in my life. This isn't the ghetto or teen mom. I can't attract #pros if my friend is walking next to me pushing a baby carriage.
What should I do? Childless betch.
PS I'm not having kids. If I marry a rich enough #pro he'll already have kids from his first marriage so I wont need to have any of my own.
Dear um..Childless betch,
What the fuck? Where are you from, the hood? Your friend had a kid when she was 20 and cut you out because you were being "too betchy?" The only thing that this shows us is that 20 year olds should not be having fucking kids because they are clearly not mature enough. Just because the girl's kid is cute doesn't mean you should feel bad about not being friends with her. She's the one who didn't want to be your friend, it's not your fault you're not a dumbass and are on birth control or use that thing called a condom.
You have your whole life to have friends with kids, you don't need to make that happen now. Your twenties are the times you should spend blacking out, not buying formula for your teen mom bestie. Sorry, but it's true. But remember, there's nothing that says fuck you like an e-card to a frenemy. So we say, go for it.
Sincerely,
The Betches
Love the Ja’mie ref at the end. “Wife beaters and rapists are almost all public school educated. Sorry (not sorry), but it’s true.
Posted on — Replyokay the girl with the baby issues sounds like a complete nutcase. why would you cut off contact with a friend cause she was having a baby… “i am def not interested in having her 20 year old mom back in my life” ... some friend you are, you’re a bitch not a betch… so what she has different responsibilities now ? it doesn’t mean you’re a 20 year old mom you can still blackout… in general, you suck. and betches your advice sucked even more.
Posted on — Replythat second dear betch, seriously? like, how sad…
Posted on — Replyhahah deep appreciation for wood… Love the Curb Your Enthusiasm reference.
Posted on — ReplyBut you still might want to learn how to do it. She said that her friend that had the baby facebook messaged her and told her she didn’t want to be friends with her anymore, and that is why she is “def not interested in having her 20 year old mom back in my life”.
Posted on — ReplyYou people are pathetic. Think for yourselves about things that matter instead of reading about fucking bitches who don’t contribute a goddam thing to society. You are making the world a worse place
Posted on — Replyokay seriously… can we keep this a depressing-shit-free zone? like holy shit last girl my sympathies (i guess?) but writing into dear betch is the last thing you should be doing
Posted on — Replylooooving the LD reference!
Posted on — Replyokay you obviously can’t read…she said “After a few months the friend fb messaged me complaining about how betchy I am. Like I get that you’re a mom now but I’m not so get off of your fucking moral high horse. Anyway I obvi couldn’t have anyone like that in my life so we’re not friends anymore.”
she cut her off because the bitch called her out for being too betchy (like not possible)...not for having the kid. fucking duh.
Posted on — ReplyYet here you are, obvi reading this. Byeeee
Posted on — ReplyEvery betch has the right to choose whether or not to terminate a pregnancy. Maybe the betch with a baby shouldn’t have sent that fbook message, but it crosses the line from betchy to bitchy when you say shit like I can’t attract pros if my friend is walking next to me with a baby carriage. It was her fucking choice, and even if you’re pissed at her now, you were her friend when she had the baby, so you should like, respect that…like really respect that not just pretend to because she probably needed your support and not baby clothes from “bloomies”. It’s one thing to #talkshit about the girl from your high school that got knocked up that you like never talk to, but when one of your besties is dealing with a real, serious issue, you should probs be more concerned about her well-being then your betchiness. And betches, I’m truly disappointed. I’m 20 years old, got pregnant, couldn’t bring myself to have an abortion, but I’m like, still in school and getting my shit together. My bf and I are still together, but I don’t want to get married until he can afford a decent ring and house. Of course I’ve had to change my lifestyle, but I still spend as much time with my besties #talkingshit, #tanning, and whatevs as I can. I’m a mom, but I’m a betch at heart.
Posted on — ReplyYou’re obviously a jealous fat girl. Don’t bother reading this site. You could do yourself a bigger favor by taping a BMI chart next to your mirror.
Posted on — ReplyI just absolutely have no idea why they would even bother to give “childless betch” an answer. I’m sorry but the fact that she is even in that situation insinuates a little something about her ghetto lifesytle….like anyone normal would know not to be friends with a pregnant teen. Wtf I am actually confused about why she would bother getting in a weird fight with a weird underage mom?
Posted on — Reply^awks
Posted on — Replyhahaha I wish you were my GBFF.
Posted on — Replyhahah frosty betch love it
and that second chick should probably lay off the hashtags #tryingtoohard
Posted on — Replyhahahahaaha you girls take this site SO seriously. i fucking love it.
Posted on — ReplyYou’re fucking kidding right? You’re “not getting married until your bro can afford a decent ring”? Sorry betch, but I guess you missed the article where they explained betches and pros had money,or better things to do than justify that their lives are more than just a shitty one tree hill plot.
Posted on — Reply^ This made me point and LOL at my computer screen.
Posted on — Replycalm down jenelle
Posted on — Replybut why haven’t yall referenced, “shit girls say” yet? or did I just miss it? it’s hilarious.
Posted on — Replyhaha loves it
Posted on — Replydumbass
Posted on — Replyrespect for wood is a great curb reference, well done
Posted on — Replythis post was hilar
Posted on — ReplyWas just thinking that. Larry David is a total !fucking betch in his own right
Posted on — ReplyThe betches gave the second girl great advice.
Posted on — ReplyThe girl with the baby needs to go back to the hood, Childless Betch is better off without her.
Really? This turned into a betchy forum about pregnancy and unborn fetuses? Ok, well, what I was going to say is, BOOKS are the best betch gift ever. They’re over $20 for hardcovers. Look amazing in your apartment. Shows you have class & you want them to be intelligent (see: culturally stable). Also gives them somewhat of a challenge. So major.
Warmest regards,
Posted on — ReplyScholarly betch
^ i died
Posted on — Replyhoooly shit. girlfran who said her friend should have “#abort” the baby that she later admits to caring for, you are heartless.
Posted on — Replyfirst off you hash tagged abortion. second off you are going to hell…for sure.
Hahaha
Posted on — ReplyThe term “pros” is superfluous because Bros already embody every optimum attribute that can possibly exist in a man. We are completely dominant in every single facet of life. Actually, we Bros are so unparalleled in general greatness that to refer to us as “men” fails to do justice to our superhumanity. We’re basically living gods.
Posted on — ReplyChildless Betch- Are you the godmother or it just hasn’t happened yet? If you are the godmother then you should have contact with the baby..you don’t have to be best friends with teen mom, but civil enough to be in the child’s life
Posted on — ReplyYour a fucking idiot.
Posted on — ReplyI can not believe that you aren’t friends with someone cause they had a kid. SHE CALLED YOU TOO BETCHY BECAUSE SHE HAS A DAMN KID, she needs help and you’re obviously not helping, you’re too much of an idiot.
Posted on — ReplyApologize to your friend for being such a bitch and take the kid to daycare.
It’s not like you’re married, I’m sure you can meet a guy when you’re not with your friend and her kid, also IF YOU’RE TWENTY, the kid will only make you older, so embrace the kid, you selfish betch.
Books really are the perf gift. They’re classic. It’s not hard to find out what someone likes to read. And if they don’t read, get them a book on shit they like in general. It better look fucking classy though. If not, it defeats the whole purpose of giving your pro a book.
Posted on — ReplyDear Betches,
I am going to Avicii on New Years Eve in NYC. Its sort of a Mid Town Rave, with bottle service. What do I wear? I cant really jump from 10 p.m -6 a.m. in 4 inch Stilettos while on molly and wasted. Please help.
Love,
Posted on — ReplyBoston Betch
preach it!
Posted on — ReplyWhoever follows these ‘tips’ is going to wind up alone. The dumbing down of America is encompassed by this webpage. I’ve wasted five minutes of my life.
Posted on — ReplyLove your site guys but the second advice you gave was pretty selfish and immature. maybe a true betch puts herself in front of others, but she should still keep her heart in tact. i think we should stick to discussing social media, culture, and bros vs. pros because this heavy pregnancy nonsense is only going to hurt other betches feelings.
Posted on — ReplyUgh. Def agree. Trust me, I’m not on the child bandwagon in anyway, but your friend needed you and you fucked up. She didnt message you for being too betchy (get over yourself) she messaged you because she needed her bestie to be there for her and you up and bailed.
Posted on — ReplyI’m not saying you have to stay in with her and watch Dora on a fucking Friday night, but a little moral support would be helpful. Go for a lunch or something, it takes an hour out of your day.
Totally selfish, and taking the blog a little too seriously… time to get your own life.
aviicciii love of my liffee <3
Posted on — Replyhope you wore a load of glitter