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By The Betches on

Dear Betch Leaders,

I have just graduated from college, hence, have nothing better to do than play tennis on the regular. Last week, I noticed a former high-school colleague (who used to crush on me) watch me from the inside of his car. He sat in his car for a good 10 minutes straight and then drove away. Frankly, I was a bit creeped out.

During a gossip sesh with my girlfriends, I found him on Facebook. To our disbelief, he has somehow metamorphosed into an utterly attractive man! He's one of those guys that will be aging extremely well. He's totally heading towards that George Clooney path. He's successful. To top it all off, he's single. Now that he has grown out of his awkward string bean phase, mostly, any betch would want him.

So, I'm totally into this dude now. The last time we've talked was 4 years ago... should I pursuit? What should I do? Message him via facebook? What is the right betchy thing to do?

xoxo, tennis betch

Dear Tennis Betch,

This guy sounds creepy as fuck. Why would you ever consider making a move or initiating contact with a guy who’s too big of a pussy to get out of his car and say hi to you. This guy sounds like classic creeper nice guy.

Betches don’t pursue guys, and they’re definitely not attracted to weirdos who watch girls play tennis while jerking off in their cars. He does not sound like a pro or an SAB. Any guy who looks like George Clooney and is ‘successful’ does not have the ‘stalk and hide’ as part of his pick-up repertoire. Your desire to pursue this guy reeks of desperation. Try and date a guy who actually works out at the gym, not the guy who’s probably the next Craigslist killer.


The Betches


Dear Betch,

What do I do about this guy who I am talking to who just seems to be too honest to the point where it makes me feel insecure. This kind of guy will tell me how to go down on him, and then proceed to tell me that it just wont work and he's picky with his BJ's.

Should I be insulted? Because i was! I felt like I was a. ugly and b. bad at bj's which both seem to be not true given the point I am at today. He's also overly honest about how with other girls "yada yada yada". Do I scrap this guy? Is this one of your guy "syndromes" that you've come across?

Help a sista out!


Insulted and Insecure

Dear Insulted and Insecure,

Ugh, please get rid of this guy right away. Just reading this made us cringe and almost breakout in asshole hives. There are SABs, who use subtlety and mind games to make you fall in love with them, and then there are just straight up assholes who any betch in her right mind not only does not date, but straight up laughs at with her friends. You’re dating that asshole.

First, you should never go down on any guy who asks for it flat out. A true betch knows that with blow jobs, it’s the thought that counts. If he has to ask, you don’t really want to do it, so don’t. If you’re blowing a guy who’s insulting the job you’re doing, you’re not only being unbetchy but you’re also acting like a pathetic loser. Would you still hang out with a friend who told you the gift certificate you got her for her birthday didn’t have enough money on it? Why would anyone respect you if you let guys treat you like that? Dump this loser and find yourself someone who’s focused on making you feel great about yourself (although if you’re a true betch you already do). If you’re too insecure for that, at least find someone who’s shady in a hot, classy way. Like someone who ignores your texts.


The Betches


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30 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. confused betch says:

    Dear Lovely Betches,

    There is a guy, so totes attractive and sex is amazing! However, we are just “friends with benefits” due to certain circumstances. I want more I guess or for him to not be such an ass. He is so confusing, one day he is totally into me and so possesive and next he tells me he doesnt care if i talk to someone else. How do I make him realize that I am way worth it? and for him to stop being an ass>!!??

    Lost and Confused!!

    Posted on Reply
  2. Betch Betch says:

    My #Pro is being a #dick and i need some advice. He is not allowing my sexy self to go to the club and be seen due to the fact that he is insecure and doesn’t like the flirting i receive when dressed to impress. How do I explain to him that I need socialize with other #pro’s and my betch besties? Furthermore the besties are getting tired of my lame excuses of why I cannot accompany them to the club and ragers.

    I heart my guy and don’t want to kick his ass to the curb, but what is a betch to do? Help please!

    Posted on Reply
  3. Stephanie says:

    You do NOT deserve that at all! dont put up with it!

    Posted on Reply
  4. Stephanie says:

    ewwww totes creeper status. didnt u read the serial killer article in the nov cosmo? thats fucking weird

    Posted on Reply
  5. Sexy Betch says:

    I am in the same situation as you and totes need help too. IDK what to do about my #Pro and all my besties just want me to get rid of him. Oh decisions, decisions…

    Posted on Reply
  6. Betchers says:

    betches have become a little to harsh- am i right ladies? just because youre a betch doesnt mean youre a b*tch. emphasize more on the E in betches

    Posted on Reply
  7. Betch says:

    Your advice to the BJ betch problem is wrong. Why not take advice from the bro/pro? If she was doing it right clearly there wouldnt be an issue

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    The issue is that this guy is an ass. The end.

    Posted on Reply
  9. taylor says:

    I think some of you are slightly confused on what a betch and a pro is, because by your comments you sound pathetic and so does your guy…

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    Well said betches. Everyone else- don’t be a whiney little bitch! This website isn’t to go all “omg im insecure i don’t know what to do let me tell the world about my relationship problemssss!”. Betch up and take care of business.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Confused says:

    Dear Betch,

    About a year ago I was in a relationship with my bestie’s brother. I decided that it’d be best to keep “us” a secret. It’s not that he was fug, he’s actually hot-but i wanted to ensure that our friendships with mutual friends (and his sister) wouldn’t get screwed, cause we weren’t serious AT ALL. We didn’t want to explain the situation to anyone-we were just in it for a good time. I met someone else and we broke it off-something that is totes allowed when our relationship was basically pure fuck buddy material. Well, now things got awk and we basically both try hard not to see each other. For example, if we’re both at a party, he’ll run off and hide like a sissy in the bathroom. My bestie betch wants to know what’s up, and why he’s acting so awk with me. What should i do?

    Posted on Reply
  12. this betch says:

    just go out with your friends, they’re more important anyways. Don’t give a f*ck about this #Pro; I’m sure he goes to bars and what not with his friends behind your back anyways. be the betch that you are; if he doesn’t put up with it, he’s not worth it.

    Posted on Reply
  13. this betch right hurr says:

    Absolutely true. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who makes them insecure - eff that shet.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:

    both of you need to man up and tell your pros you’re going out with your fucking betches whether they like it or not. if he’s into you he’ll deal, it not then who gives a fuck?

    Posted on Reply
  15. Anonymous says:

    tell her you walked in on him shitting and he’s a loser who can’t face you

    Posted on Reply
  16. MauiBetch says:

    How is this too harsh??? Should she keep sucking his dick while he’s offending her? Absolutely not. thats so rude.

    Posted on Reply
  17. betchamissme says:

    this question reeks of unbetchiness

    Posted on Reply
  18. betchamissme says:

    just go the fuck out. if he’s a true pro he wouldn’t be insecure. he’s not gonna dump you cause you go out and if he does he’s a fucking pussy

    Posted on Reply
  19. betchamissme says:

    it’s jokingly bitchy and it’s the advice they need to hear. truth hurts

    Posted on Reply
  20. Anonymous says:

    If a guy ever makes you feel insecure, drop him!!!! I just got out of relationship with #PRO who just made me feel like shit. NOT WORTH IT.

    Posted on Reply
  21. Chloé says:

    Agreed. I can smell the unbetchiness from here. A true betch makes all the rules in relationships. If you’re confused by a guy, that means you’re thinking about him too much. A betch thinks only of herself.

    Posted on Reply
  22. Anonymous says:

    Can we do away with Dear Betch? Other people’s problems are boring.

    Posted on Reply
  23. Anonymous says:

    DO NOT tell your bestie unless you never want to talk to her again.. Or unless she’s one of the like 0.00001 percent of girls who truly doesn’t give a f*ck that you’d hide this from her for this long. But you kind of already screwed yourself over by keeping it for this long. If you must tell her ONLY admit to hooking up once, and you should probably lie and just say you made out. And make sure the guy is in on this bc if he’s hiding in bathrooms you know he’s your bitch.. Like wtf? So yeah lie lie lie unless you’re positive she won’t care. Otherwise don’t say I didn’t warn you

    Posted on Reply
  24. Lazy Betch says:

    Dear Betches,
        Sorry I’m not sorry that I don’t know where to ask this question. Anyways here is my AWFUL dilemma. I go to basically the best SEC school. So my besties and I are usually busy with blacking out, going to formals the ugh arranging group dinners, not fucking bros, iced coffee, talking shit, and obviously tailgating. While this is amazing and all I am not doing good in school. Normally this would not bother me as long as I kept gpa high enough to not get sent to standards. But Daddy called me yesterday and threatened to not pay for my spring break trip with my sorority. In high school I usually had a nice girl who would do all my work when I didn’t feel like taking my adderall. Now, unlike my bestie, I haven’t found anyone to do all my work. I really can not take my adderall everyday because like who wants to be a studious zombie all week? So I need a way to continue not doing work while keeping my grades high enough to stay financed by my parents so I can keep up with my social life!

    Lazy betch

    Posted on Reply
  25. FabBetch says:

    First of all, no need to run down the list of things betches do. We fucking get it. Second - you seem to be missing the betchy quality of manipulation. Manipulate your professors for extensions, manipulate your sororo sisters for their notes..or even better, a desperate bro in your class, more importantly you should work on manipulating your father..because if you are a true betch, that’s the guy you’ve been easily manipulating since day one.

    Posted on Reply
  26. @lazybetch says:

    Um find a fucking bro or nice girl. Fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
  27. Tru Betch says:

    No Betch lets a guy dictate their soc life. Do what you want, eventually he will recognize hes clearly smuthering you and give you some space.

    Posted on Reply
  28. Anonymous says:

    .. Totes,  truth hurts but if you’re a betch you can take it

    Posted on Reply
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    Posted on Reply
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