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By Sgt. Olivia Betchson on

Dear Stores Who Insist on Stretching “Black Friday” Out all Fucking Month,

Okay, let’s take it down a fucking notch. “Black November”? Whose idea was this? What, is Black Friday not crazy enough for you that you want to extend all the line-cutting, people-pushing, black eye-getting excitement all month long? 

I get the idea behind it: if the Black Friday deals aren’t just on Black Friday, then maybe, just maybe, nobody has to lose an eye. Newsflash—this is America; if people still haven’t let go of their hopes that the South will rise again, they’re sure as hell not going to let go of a shopping phenomenon that only started like, ten years ago.

It’s bad enough that I can’t go into any commercial establishment on the day after Thanksgiving for fear of getting trampled by povos. Now I have to be around them month long? Whose side are you on, anyway?

Like, this whole “let’s go OD on the holiday season and prepare for Christmas 6 months in advance” thing has gone wayyy too mf far. I shit you not, I saw Christmas decorations up before Halloween. What’s next, Christmas decorations before the Fourth of July? Christmas decorations all year round? Christmas isn’t even THAT great…but I mean that’s another rant for another time. The point is, the holiday season is the most wonderful time of the year because—get this—it comes once a year. If I had to pimp slap a middle-aged lady in the mouth every time I needed to step foot into the Apple store to replace my charger, I would probably stop going to the Apple store. Catch my drift? Don't fucking push it.

Don’t ruin a good thing (or I mean when it comes to Black Friday, a barely tolerable thing) by stretching it out because it won’t take long for people just run out of fucks to give. Just ask the writers of The Mentalist how that strategy payed out for them. 

So please, just stop trying to make Black November happen,

The Betches.