Betches, we’ve all been there. You met this pro at a bar a few weeks ago and you’re rounding out the end of date three. Everything’s been going pretty well. You’re debating having sex with him and begin to envision how cute the two of you would look in your profile picture.
At dinner you’re lovingly staring into each others' eyes wondering how this guy can be so perfect when the waiter places the check on the table. You reach for your credit card in a half assed empty gesture and somehow your card makes its way to the top of the receipt. Things just got fucking weird.
In some bizarre and unforeseen crazy twist of events, this loser didn't immediately swat your card and laugh off your generous fake attempt at paying. Wait, am I in the twilight zone? Where’s Ashton? No. Reality hits. This guy is actually allowing you to pay for both your meals. He’s fucking done. He has committed suicide in the dating world. This is what we call a dating deal breaker.
"REALLY...THE HOUSE WINE!?!"
You get out of there as fast as you can, simultaneously texting your besties detailing the atrocious night you've just had while changing his name in your phone to Kevin Federline.
Dating deal breakers are so upsetting because you’ve invested so much time in this guy only to see all your good efforts go to waste. It's like raising a child who grows up to be a crack addict or Anne Hathaway. He's forever damaged in your eyes.
This is also kind of like in eighth grade when you were seriously considering purchasing a Von Dutch hat. However, the next day at school you see that fat girl with the huge nose and streaky highlights sporting one. She just fucking ruined the hats for everyone. In that split second, that whole trend died. This is what we mean by a dating deal breaker. All else being perfect you really just can’t get yourself to get over this huge dating foul. No amount of skinny betches he has lusting over him or shady texts he’s been sending will get you to forget that he has allowed you, a betch, to pay for the dinner that he ate three quarters of before he’s even gotten laid.
Dealbreakers are different for every betch, depending on the amount of shit she’s willing to take and perhaps her disgustingness threshold. Some of the most common include but are not limited to:
- Surprise body acne
- Crooked penis/ED/Premature ejaculator
- Gets really drunk and does some weird shit.
- Is eerily close to his #83 sister. Bonding about how much of an ass their dad is, fine. Doing this while she sits on his lap, not fine.
- Is cheap. Um, no I don't want to split a $20 check...
- Eats even less than you. You're a guy! Stop ordering fucking yogurt parfaits.
- Is weird with Facebook. You know what we mean...
- Webbed Toes - Uses excessive emoticons or exclamation points….Listen bro, curb your fucking enthusiasm. I’d be that excited to be texting me too but your texts make me think you’ve already came in your pants.
So, what do you do when you’ve encountered this dating deal breaker? How does a betch end things with a guy? Pick your poison:
The Phase Out - A betch with an eighth of a soul will choose this method. It involves being ‘busy’ when asked for followup dates, a gradual non-return of texts, and hopes that he will get the hint.
You know, you could've mentioned you had red hair
The Dead Out - His deal breaker was so obviously offensive that he doesn’t even merit an ‘nm you’. You treat this guy as if he has died and you wouldn’t waste a black skirt on attending his funeral. Whenever someone brings him up, you sigh and state that he’s DTM - Dead to Me.
The Truth – awkz. This is a last ditch effort to get this guy to stop harassing you. He’s left you various creepy voicemails with a nervous laugh asking you why you haven’t returned his calls and telling you to "call him...or not”. In this scenario, you’re now sure you’ve dodged a bullet but want to make sure this psycho doesn't come burn your house down. So you send him a text describing his offense and letting him down easy. “I think you’re great, just not for me” is usually the only lie it takes to get this stage 5 off your ass.
Remember, how a guy acts in the beginning of a relationship sets the tone of how he'll act for the rest of it. It only goes downhill after that. So, if he's a cheap bacne-ridden bastard before the one month mark, chances are he'll be a McDonalds-date-taking, Proactiv-using douchebag in three.
this is amazing.
Posted on — ReplyGreatest post. Reading this at work I was laughing out loud. Awkwardly found some similarities between this post and my ex boyfriend.
Posted on — ReplyI swear, every time I read this blog, I question whether I wrote it while blackout drunk and just don’t remember!
Posted on — ReplyCan you address the door bell ringing issue? Obviously if you live with your parents you don’t want your mom or dad anywhere near this guy. But if he automatically assumes you don’t want him to come outside and texts you “I’m here” or worse honks his horn, it’s a serious deal breaker.
Posted on — Replyomg, epic post. so trueeeee
Posted on — ReplyThis post is gold.
Posted on — ReplyTHIS IS HYSTERICAL
Posted on — ReplyCouldn’t have written it better myself!!!!!! Genius
Posted on — ReplyLmao…. The worst deal breaker i when hes cheap not only to you but infront of ur bestie and her pro…. Aka besties pro buys the first round, this chud (cheap dud) buys himself a beer the next round. Only one thing u can do in this sitch, embarass him in public n tell him to call u when he learns proper etiquette, aka never.
Posted on — ReplyOmg best post in a while…. The best one is “is weird with facebook (you know what we mean)”. I drunkenly hooked up with this gorgeous guy and found his Facebook and he was a total facebook DOUCHE. Straight up just ignored his weekly texts until he finally stopped.
Posted on — ReplyGood job betches, I lol’d hard.
I agree with your point, but you need to learn proper grammar and spelling. Abbrevs are totes cute, but substituting fucking “n” for “and” and “u” for “you” makes you sound like a ghetto dumbass.
Posted on — ReplyPS, stop trying to make “lmao” happen, Gretchen. It’s not going to happen.
Posted on — Replya betch would never put up a prof pic with her pro. It might take attention away from herself.
Posted on — Replyalso, its tacky.
this is great .us betches don’t need those stage 5 bacne so called “pros” they think they are!
Posted on — Replythe only time it’s ok to let a betch pay for dinner is when you’re married to her… and the credit card she pays with is funded 100% by your income anyway. and afterward you’ll still have to buy her a huge present to make up for this blunder.
Posted on — Replybetches are over LOL and LMAO. leave it in the late 90s.
Posted on — Replyi disagree. if the pro is slighly below or above in hotness, it’s perfectly acceptable. angelina and brad do it all the time—it’s broadcasting that you single gals (or worse, gals with ugly pro’s) should be jealous.
Posted on — ReplyUch! You ALL are fucking spoiled brats. Not everybody can afford to pay for a dinner for 2. It doesn’t mean he isn’t a nice guy. Just some people don’t come from loads of money. The economy has hurt my family’s income so much that my mom and dad can’t give me any money and I now live at home. It’s a hard world out there!! Peace, love, and happiness
Posted on — Replyso true.
Posted on — Replywhere as i completely agree with you—it’s not right to assume everyone is rolling in dough, particularly in the recent economy, i don’t think anyone who calls himself a “man” should take a woman out to a dinner he can’t afford to cover. it’s all about chivalry, don’t settle for some asshole who’s trying to take advantage of you and your wallet.
Posted on — Replyand before anyone grammar nazis jump on me—i realize whereas is one word. my bad. sorry betches.
Posted on — ReplyNo. He needs to pay for the dinner. There are no excuses. Even if he takes you to grab a slice of pizza, or anywhere else poor people go on dates, he needs to pay. He can’t take you somewhere he can’t afford and then expect you to pay. That’s shady. If you think it’s okay if he doesn’t pay for dinner, whether it’s pizza or dinner at Per Se, you are a delusional dater.
Posted on — Reply- wears hollister/abercrombie/aeropostle and he is over the age of 23
Posted on — ReplyOr more like over the age of 14….. Let’s be real here.
Posted on — ReplyHaha my bestie and i made a list of deal breakers this past weekend when we reminiscing about #14 Going on dates with bros! We were actually going to send them in and I wish we had…amazing topic betches. You should have made a huge fucking list though because there are just so many things guys can do wrong and it’d be hilarious to laugh at each and every one while trying to relate it to some loser you used to know.
Posted on — Replylove ya betch.
this is how talking shit is done.
Posted on — Replysweetie, I think you’re reading the wrong blog….
Posted on — ReplySteve always paid for Miranda and took her to get pizza.
Normally dating him would be acceptable, but lesbians can’t be picky.
Posted on — ReplyI thought Betches don’t EVER pull the wallet out, unless it is month 6 and she is taking him for breakfast… you lost me at hello (cross that) wallet…..
Posted on — Replyits “we betches” nut “us betches”
Posted on — Replybetches aren’t dumb.
im willing to bet 75 percent of the people who agreed with the person who wrote this are single.
Posted on — Replyyou’re Facebook friends with Brad and Angelina? It’s def tacky, I’m not trying to have my newfeed bombarded with self-take pictures of you and your pro (or if you take self-takes, more like you with my ex-back burner bro).
Posted on — Replythis post reminded me how irritating my ex is. so fucking true.
Posted on — ReplyThe only times that I’ve ever paid for my bf’s dinner: on his birthday. Two times in a two year relationship. And once I brought him soup when he had the flu. My mom raised me to have standards
Posted on — Replyobsessed!!!!!! excessive punctuation!!!!
Posted on — ReplyHahaha to your Brangie comment. But I kind of disagree with you there; of the picture is of you two dressed up at some gala or exclusive charity event, it’s totes betchy to have it as your prof pic (given you wait at least a week after the picture is taken). Selfies with your significant other are NEVER okay though, like you said. It’s tacky and probably the easiest way to spot a nice girl.
Posted on — ReplyThe only thing betchy about you is your name because you can legally get your middle and last name changed to Wine Mixer (respectively). Please leave, but have fun picking up the tab at fucking Olive Garden!
Posted on — ReplyAt first I thought this post was going to be about how betches still date guys who have deal breakers and I was like wtf, but clearly it’s not. Awesome post.
Posted on — Replywardrobe is so fucking critical.
best post yet betches
Posted on — ReplyKudos to you betches, you’ve truly out-betched yourself on this one: I die!
Posted on — ReplyFucking. Brilliant. Best post so far. I literally am doing the “phase out” with three pros right now. I only hope every idiot pro out there reads this and heads the advice.
Posted on — ReplyOh and in addition, no pro should EVER make you feel awkward or uncomfortable when the check comes. He should take care of it and brush off your offer as if it isn’t even a question. Confidence is sexy, ambiguity is not.
Posted on — ReplyIts *not BTW
Posted on — Replyapparently you’re not a betch because you’re clearly a bit dumb…
and unaware of when it’s necessary to use an apostrophe.
xxx
Posted on — ReplyWhat are these nice girls doing on here? Aren’t they supposed to be doing lame shit, like doing work or stalking Anne Hathaway on google images?
Posted on — Replythey’re trying, it’s almost cute
Posted on — ReplyNothing wrong with being single…. better to be single than settle.
Posted on — ReplyI’m in the same situation and I completely agree. This post was right on.
Posted on — ReplyPro has you in his picture, he’s not in your’s. #sorryimnotsorry
Posted on — ReplyMajor deal breaker sounds old fashion but its just a nice gesture. Like how hard is it to get out of your car and knock on my door? Not. Hard. At. All.
Posted on — ReplyDon’t offer to pay. It’s an obnoxious attempt to seem generous when you’re anything but.
Also, if a girl cares about who buys dinner she probably wasn’t worth the money anyways.
Posted on — ReplyA guy’s hesitation to buy dinner is a fucking deal breaker, it says so much about who he is. But I guess I understand (no, I don’t) if you’re embarrassed to pull out your duct tape wallet in front of your date.
Posted on — Replywhy would a betch ever even pull out her credit card?
Posted on — ReplyBut definitely left out my favorite date-getter-outter… texting your friend while on the date, telling her to call you pretending to cry because her boyfriend just broke up with her. Did this after a guy ran a red light on the way to our date and almost fucking killed me before he could even get the chance to buy me shit.
Posted on — ReplyDumb and wrong
Posted on — ReplyFAVORITE SO FAR
Posted on — Reply@HannahMBrookes
Posted on — ReplyGreat post
von dutch hat? as if you didn’t already predict and describe my personality now you’re recalling my past? PERFECT. with each post I read I can’t help become more & more obsessed.
you win.
Posted on — ReplyFunny article. Until I read the comments. Um are you kidding?! It’s not the fucking 50s! If you have a boyfriend, don’t make him pay for every dinner. Alternate paying- it’s the polite thing to do now-a-days. You sound like snooty assholes and if you actually have a boyfriend (unlikely), he should dump your cheap ass!
Posted on — Replybahahahaha! luves it! Dead To Me, I say all the time, now its just DTM, another fabs abbrevs. KIU Betches! xoxo
Posted on — Replyhahaha peace, love, and happiness? that won’t help your financial sitch. go hang out with the other useless hippie protesters on wall street. guys should ALWAYS pay the tab, fucking duh.
Posted on — ReplyEMOTICONS YES!
Posted on — ReplyOr playing the guitar immediately after sex….weird
ah! just had a guy tell me after our first round of drinks the second would be on me! obvi didnt stick around for round 2, just told him my roomate got stood up. bye. and helllllo British friend out with the “stood up roomie”
Posted on — Replyits almost like no one understands this website is a joke…. so many desperates taking it SO seriously. maybe you all need to start reading this high.
Posted on — ReplyDating deal breakers are so upsetting because you’ve invested so much time in this guy only to see all your good efforts go to waste. It’s like raising a child who grows up to be a crack addict or Anne Hathaway. He’s forever damaged in your eyes.—Hillare! I actually laughed out loud at work.
Posted on — ReplySo true.
Posted on — ReplySo fucking true. I had a pro ask me out to dinner and I half-assed offered and he made us split the fucking bill. Like don’t ask me out for dinner if you’re not willing to afford it, if you wanna “go dutch” take out a nice girl.
Posted on — Replyomg yes. this is EVERYTHING and more.
Posted on — ReplyThis is hilarious. And 100% true. I dated a bro who committed like 2 of these offenses.. huge fail. Had to cut the cord fast.
Posted on — ReplyAgree completely, betches don’t pay on dates.
Posted on — ReplyThis is some seriously ignorant, shallow and narrow-minded stuff you just wrote. We aren’t living in the 1950’s anymore when women were all homemakers and men were the only ones with money to actually spend. In this day and age, a woman has just as much paper in her pocket as a guy does.
Don’t get me wrong, chivalry goes a long way, and it is certainly nice to treat the person you care about. But this ridiculous notion of it being the man’s “responsibility” to pay for the woman every time is archaic, and need no longer apply in today’s world.
What’s so inherently crazy about the thought of a woman paying for the meal? Were you not BOTH at the restaurant? Did you not BOTH ingest food? Shouldn’t you want to treat the man, just as much as he wants to treat you?
Posted on — ReplySo true
Posted on — ReplyThis is the best post I’ve ever read and I haven’t gone longer than a month without a boyfriend in 4 years. You’ve got to be dating some seriously wack guys to not agree.
Posted on — Replyfuck this website and the shallow cunts who created it/read it. cheers
Posted on — ReplyIf they’re getting the “phase put” they aren’t pros
Posted on — ReplyListen bro, curb your fucking enthusiasm. I’d be that excited to be texting me too but your texts make me think you’ve already came in your pants.
hahaaha true, hence funny.
Posted on — Replyget a job - we betches deserve the best
Posted on — ReplyCheap, I thought I could get past it but you can’t. Got the movie theater and was upset he forgot his coupon.
Love you girls I died reading this and basically all your posts lol
Posted on — ReplyNot to mention the most egregious deal breaker, the bed-wetter. There is nothing worse than letting a guy sleep over only to wake up in a pool of his piss. Unforgivable.
Posted on — ReplyLaughing out fucking loud at the “Von Dutch hat” reference. So true.
Posted on — ReplyIf he asks you out, he pays. end of story. if you ask him out, you pay, but betches shouldn’t have to be asking guys out.
Posted on — ReplyThe “phase out” is NOT the proper way to leave a guy. Tell him you aren’t interested. Don’t just avoid him. It’s really irritating, and only leaves us confused and angry.
Posted on — ReplyThe best is “Is weird on Facebook… you know what we mean” only real betches understand what it means to be weird on fb. All those other ignorant fucks don’t because they ARE weird on fb.
Posted on — ReplyChecking a guy out on facebook is a must before you get serious if hes taking pictures of himself flexing in the mirror or doing kissy face in pictures you need to know that right away! stay away from those ones!
Posted on — ReplyLast month I went on a date (actually several) with a guy who didn’t even offer to pick me up and said lets “meet there”. UM WEIRD, but I was a nice girl.. Now I’m a betch, and know better.
Posted on — ReplyWhere poor people go on dates?
You’re a cunt, and I guarantee the dude you’re banging is cheating on you.
Posted on — ReplyThe ultimate deal breaker is the asshole who claims he “doesn’t eat the pussy” before he even gets the betch hot and out of her crop top. UGH
Posted on — ReplyA bro friend of mine told me to check this site out for laughs, so I did and this is the first post I clicked on. And coming from a super hot bro such as myself who probably already banged several of you betches writing these posts, I must say what in your right mind makes you think you are special enough for me to take out to dinner, on the contrary our first date would be at my place with you making me a sandwich in my kitchen. Bro life
Posted on — ReplyI real bro could pull off getting a betch to pay for his meal and do his laundry this guy was just a chump.
Hey betch walk my dog!
Posted on — ReplyWait he got to date 3 and then was a dealbreaker? If he wanted to do it right he wouldnt of paid on date 1. When I am out with my bros at the bar I only care about talking to betches and getting drunk and getting betches to do shit for me. So I am talking to a hot betch right but if she tells me to buy her a drink I am going to say no and give her some kind of backhanded tease cause I am a bro and chicks like to be teased. Then I go get myself another drink. But you know what nine times out of ten the betch comes around and buys me a drink. BROS RULE!
Posted on — ReplyI only buy stuff for girls I have already had sex with.
Posted on — Reply