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By The Betches on

Christopher Columbus was a total shithead. He deserves a roast for the obvious reason that he "discovered" the best country, #63 America, but confused it with a country that's way shittier, India. Way to go Colombo, we've accidentally mistaken which country we were in also, but only when we were really barred out.


But whatever, this Pro ran shit on The Nina, The Pinta, and The Santa Maria, and he also made it cool to be politically incorrect by casually nicknaming the Native Americans "Indians." And even today this is still kind of okay. But isn't it weird how there are two nationalities with the same name? Imagine the confusion of playing Cowboys and Indians if you played the wrong kind.

[Side Note: You may not know who the Vice President is, and you definitely don't #2 keep up with the news, but every betch knows that in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue, and the name of his three boats. Why we know this is completely unnecessary. This spot in our heads would be greater filled by the OPI color wheel.]


columbusAlthough he looks like he attends Hogwarts, this is not the guy who directed Harry Potter


So Chris got himself a national holiday, giving us all a day off from work, for something that he didn't actually do, because he didn't discover America, the NATIVE AMERICANS did. This is the ultimate #36 not doing work/#53 shady move. All Sacajawea got was a fucking coin that no one even uses. Sorry bitch, bills are for white people.

Also, not to bring up shit from Wikipedia again, but Eric Northman Leif Ericson was actually the first explorer to come to America.

Whatever Chris, we appreciate the heads up on the whole 'world is round' thing. Without this information our parents might be more hesitant before sending us #3 abroad. So here's to our Broast of the Week Christopher Columbus, who can now have the factual claim that he was the first to discover Broasts, and who wins the award for the most cruise-loving shady bro.


33 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Anonymous says:

    All Sacajawea got was a fucking coin that no one even uses. Sorry bitch, bills are for white people. All Sacajawea got was a fucking coin that no one even uses. Sorry bitch, bills are for white people.

    LMAO awesome

    Posted on Reply
  2. it doesnt matter says:

    This one sucked and it was super short. You also totally forgot to mention that royalty paid him tons of money to do nothing.

    Posted on Reply
  3. Wow says:

    This ish was a total bust. I thought this site was supposed to be for the new age betch who took no shit. Not for a fucking gdamn history lesson on some bro who did not give us all a national holiday, as I am sitting in class reading this awful article.

    Posted on Reply
  4. St says:

    I think u need to hire some class A betches to write future blog posts, as of late the post have been slacking mahjorly. Aka just not funny. I used to lol, please come back.

    Posted on Reply
  5. wasntme says:

    You totes forgot to say he was a total rapist asshole too. Definitely NOT a pro.

    Posted on Reply
  6. yeahyeahyeah says:

    stop bitching about what other people write…if you hate the blog so much spend your time writing your own instead of surfing between here and your ex boyfriend’s facebook page.

    Posted on Reply
    • ha ha says:

      oh what a witty comment. you are just too cool.

      Posted on Reply
  7. Carly says:

    Amerigo Vespuci discovered America…. #awkward #dumbbitches

    Posted on Reply
    • K says:

      #Awkward indeed because Amerigo actually just drew the map of America

      Posted on Reply
  8. #NameCallingIsMean says:

    Leif Ericson (play /ˈleɪf/ layf or /ˈliːf/ leef; Old Norse: Leifr Eiríksson;[1] Norwegian: Leiv Eiriksson c. 970 – c. 1020) was a Norse[2] explorer who is regarded as the first European to land in North America (excluding Greenland), nearly 500 years before Christopher Columbus.[3]

    Posted on Reply
  9. Betches love me says:

    First off, betches need to know shit so you can make other people subordinateto you and only look betchier.

    You are obvi NOT a betch. Yes..betches know how to bs their way of NOT knowing things- but if u just kno shit than that is what you are….“just saying.”


    Posted on Reply
  10. KappaKlassyG says:

    Vespucci “discovered” America after Columbus had already been there. He just realized that it wasn’t the east.

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  11. really says:

    Seriously, if you don’t like it, don’t read it. Yes the posts have gotten shorter and maybe they’re not all as funny as all of them used to be- but whatever- I laughed out loud twice at this less than 20 sentence post. Talk about efficiency. And I’m sure as hell not writing a blog I would take the time to read every day, so I’m not complaining- and neither should you.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    Wow. For someone who tries to act smart u suck!!! He discovered Hispaonlam NOT America. Dumb bitch, go back to school.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Adrienne says:

    Read this and actually laughed out loud, in my room by myself. You Betches should write more about history cause its so funny.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:

    He drew the map of America dumbass

    Posted on Reply
  15. Anonymous says:

    or paid him tons of money to risk his life sailing across the ocean to find land that may or may not have existed… but yea thats basically nothing

    Posted on Reply
  16. BQ says:


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  17. BQ says:

    I’m sure knowing that fact has really gotten you far in life….betches don’t care about people we see on a daily basis let alone 300 years ago.. and even if we did, haven’t you heard it’s not what you know, it’s who you know?
    go back to reading your history books, you’ll never be a betch.

    Posted on Reply
  18. BQ says:

    i think it’s safe to say that anyone arguing over the details of who discovered America is not a betch.

    Posted on Reply
  19. KS says:

    Dear Betches,

      I was thoroughly reading the comments, which I never really do and I cant believe all the smacktalk towards you. Screw those bitches! I have to say that you girls really make my day and I am so thankful for a site like this. In a world controlled by men, we need betches like you!!! LONG LIVE THE BETCH

    Posted on Reply
  20. sillybetch says:

    “every betch knows that in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue, and the name of his three boats. Why we know this is completely unnecessary. This spot in our heads would be greater filled by the OPI color wheel.”

    can we please get a post about OPI?

    loved this post, one of the better ones in a while.

    Posted on Reply
  21. Bromo Say What?! says:

    For some reason I read the comments too (I admit: I don’t read comments because,for real, what real betch do you know cares about the opinions of lesser betches?) and I have to say I enjoy the hell out of it! Or maybe I didn’t and I’m just being a difficult betch.. No, I definitely enjoyed it. BTW, have you seen the Natalie Portman rap? Shit is ballin. But ANYWAY, bum bitches get bent, real betches love this.

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  22. Aishah Bowron says:

    Why do people still celebrate this evil, brutal genocidal murderer and slave trafficker Christopher Columbus ?. I fucking hate him !. Columbus Day should be abolished !.

    Posted on Reply
  23. Betch Fail says:

    This is obviously some random wannabe betch who they let intern.
    Newbie, you suck.
    “country that’s way shittier, India.” You must have failed in class to a super smart Indian.
    Lol dropout

    Posted on Reply
  24. OMFG BIMB says:

    “This spot in our heads would be greater filled by the OPI color wheel.”
    Really? Now everyone will assume you’re a Blonde. Thanks a lot.


    Posted on Reply
  25. Gucci Ber says:

    christopher columbus was a rapist and murderer. So he “discovered” a land that the Indians already lived and thrived on… BFD

    Posted on Reply
  26. John says:

    Where are all the bitches at?

    Posted on Reply
  27. Ray says:

    Fuck all of you. Columbus was one of the great men of history. The natives he encountered were genocidal - you got it - slavers, rapists, land grabbers, and cannibals. Everything Columbus is accused of and much worse.

    Posted on Reply
  28. Your Name says:

    that sacajawea comment is fucking racist. this post was in no way clever and racism is 100% unbetchy. go bak to the university of alabama you vapid bItch.

    Posted on Reply
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