Throughout our time on earth as betches, we’ve come to understand that a common but offensive criticism about our kind is that we all tend to act the same. Actually, those people should shut the fuck up and go back to the library. We’re all fucking unique. See, Jamie wears a black leather jacket, and mine is camel. So what if we got it at the same market in Florence! But since betches love to get wasted, an important aspect in which we’re different is how we react to marijuana. We decided to break down the betch by their varied relationships with smoking weed.
The Stoner Betch: This betch is the one who MUST be high for any and all activities. When you suggest going to see Hotel Rwanda without smoking first she will look at you like you just suggested going to the gym without sneakers. She probably started hot boxing her mom’s Mercedes in 11th grade, has been high at multiple family functions, and is closer to her dealer in the projects than he is with his own mother. The Stoner Betch will smoke before every meal and will claim she “isn’t hungry unless she smokes first.” She thinks this enables her to stick to her #5 diet, but she’s completely fooling herself because she’s high all the time.
The Stoner has her own piece, usually a bong or a bubbler. Bowls are so 9th grade. It also goes without saying that she knows how to roll her own blunt and joint and she’s “seriously considered selling pot,” if only because she smokes more weed than her entire apartment complex combined and is sick of going to her dealer. This may be followed by a week-long attempt at dealing before she realizes she owes herself a lot of money.
For the Stoner Betch, smoking weed alone is a normal occurrence. Not smoking weed all day is an abnormal occurrence. Everyone was impressed when she immediately called out James Franco for being high while hosting the Oscars.
The Non-Stoner Betch: This betch is usually a total alcoholic. She's often the one who has had one or two bad experiences with weed. (For example: After taking her first hit ever in the freshman dorms on 4/20, she thought she was dying and freaked out on the Stoner Betch. “I NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL! I’M CALLING THE RA! YOU’RE A BAD FRIEND, STONER BETCH!!”) Ever since, she does not smoke weed at all or maybe on rare occasions. The Non-Stoner/Alcoholic Betch can drink anyone under the table and will actively promote blacking out every night. Even though she doesn’t smoke and may even obtain a contact high from hanging out with the Stoner Betches, she’s still chill so she’s not known as a fucking narc.
On the rare occasion that this betch does take a maximum of two hits (probably by accident while she’s blackout), it will probably result in her sitting up in her bed all night bugging out because she “hears voices downstairs.” Even though she can’t handle her marijuana, this betch is still the shit. So, when you ask her if she smokes and she says no, the proper response to her would be “you’d be a lot cooler if you did.” The Sometimes Smoker Betch: This is the betch who lies somewhere between the Stoner and Non-Stoner Betch (who would’ve guessed?). On the occasions that she’s down to blaze, she will approach the Stoner Betch with a proposition, “let’s smoke tonight!” The Stoner Betch will get SOOO excited. The Sometimes Smoker will probably not be smoking unless it's her nighttime activity because she'll claim that if she smokes during the day, she just “won’t have the energy to go out. I’ll need to take a nap!” At this much anticipated smoke sesh, she'll get high from about five hits, which will make the Stoner Betch extremely envious. “Shit, if I got high as easily as you, I’d gain an hour a day from not constantly needing to pack my bong...”
The Sometimes Smoker will usually react to weed in one of two ways. The first possibility is that she will get uncontrollable giggles and munchies. When she momentarily stops laughing, she’ll start snacking and continue for the next 40-60 minutes. She will then go to bed and claim that she needs to spend the whole day at the gym tomorrow. The alternative reaction is that she'll be completely silent… but still have the munchies. After she smokes she will not say one word. She will melt into the couch with her eyes glazed over, and when prompted with the question, “yo how are you doing? You’re mad quiet,” she’ll reply, “I’m just really, reallyyyy high.” This will be the end of her speaking for the night. We’ve alllll smoked with this character.
So you see, betches interact with weed differently. It isn’t for everyone. But for the Stoner Betch, you really need to get to Amsterdam stat. That place will open up your eyes to a whole new meaning of getting high. If you’re smart and #3 studying abroad, you’ll go to The Bushdocter Café, where you'll find the writers of this blog have signed their names on the wall upstairs. You’ll also find the best weed cakes in the city. Trust us, we tried several.
Remember betches, always be safe, why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly?