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By The Betches on

Like every hot betch, you spend your Saturday night out at one of the hottest #20 clubs and score the hottest #62 pro at the bar. In a self-induced semi-roofied haze of candy and vodka, you find yourself inching one Loub at a time up five flights of stairs into his apartment.

The next thing you know your clothes are off and you're lying on his bed while he's standing over you naked with a fully flaccid penis. The problem is clear. This guy's dick is having a harder time getting up than your 95-year-old grandmother. You've just encountered a case of Putty Penis, commonly referred to by Viagra commercials as Erectile Dysfunction.

Like Silly Putty, this dick is supposed to get hard but for some unnatural reason it just won't. Unlike indefinitely soft silly putty, Putty Penis cannot be played with among you and your friends. If you thought a hard dick was ugly, Putty P is like something straight out of Saw IV.

erectile dysfunctionWhere is it?!

There is nothing to think about in this situation. Your only and immediate reaction should be to laugh as hard as you fucking can directly in his face and then RUN AND HIDE. This is NOT your soulmate.

Under no circumstance should you "try to help him out." As a betch, you are by default hot and amazing and even if this guy was in a coma, you will always be enough to raise his interests. This is a situation that is certainly not like, whatever.

Let's back up a little and talk about what Carrie Bradshaw might call "The 20-something ED era." Although we're not doctors or shrinks, unless you have mucus dripping all over your face from the 8-ball you split earlier, it's not you, it's him. No exceptions.

There are various types of ED and some are clearly more disastrous and concerning than others. Let's discuss the two most common:

The Teenager: This is what most would consider the most benign/acute form of ED and probably what 50% or so of young guys have experienced at one point or another, usually the result of drinking too much and doing too many drugs. If you're hooking up with a guy and have to question his hardness, this is a clear sign that the only thing that will be getting up is you, off of his couch.

Betches, what we're describing here is the Teenager. It is not a baby, but not quite adult size. With some nourishment it could develop into its full potential, but then again you also run the risk of having a mouth full of mush. Does this seem like an equal pro/con/pro to you?? We've all been through #35 sorority rush, we're over that shit.

The Noodle: The noodle is a more severe form of The Teenager and could potentially be an actual physical or psychological disorder. There is no doubt in your mind that this guy is not hard and even if you endured enough botox to have the mouth of Uma Thurman, there's no way this thing is budging.

He's not hard and you're aware. Congrats, you're a fucking scientist. This can be the most annoying kind of ED, because frequently the guy may try to compensate for his "short-comings" and attempt to:

Condy rice"So then I was all like, Saddam, just get off of me"

1. Aggressively dry-hump you while naked and fully soft, continuously thrusting and screaming some form of, "I want to fuck the shit out of you." Cringe, or:

2. If he wasn't raised in the jungle, he will softly cuddle you and rub his soft penis around in circles, in an almost bear hug, a term which we will refer to as noodeling. So don't fucking lay there and pretend it's normal, because it's not. Like those announcements at the airport that never shut the fuck up, if you see something, say something. Noodeling is creepy. Betches don't eat carbs.

Let's talk about ED's perverted cousin, the premature ejaculator. There are few things worse than the 2-minute man who's delusional enough to think he's actually good in bed. This guy's even worse than the embarrassed bro who comes immediately at the touch of your hand down his pants. At least you didn't #8 fuck this loser.

All these guys will complain about being too drunk, too tired, too stoned blah blah blah, but the fact of the matter is its 9am and the only thing they have put in their system since 1am last night is your saliva.

Be it a fear of shitty performance, the fact that the sight of your amazing boobs makes him come in 15 seconds, or you’re his unsuccessful beard for the night, it's not your fucking problem.

As a betch, when presented with any of these non-sticky situations, it’s best to move on right away and focus on guys who are on your level. Even prissy WASP Charlotte MacDougal was not down to deal a guy’s inability to get it up, and he had a fucking Park Avenue apartment.

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61 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. rak says:

    hahahaha betches, you def got it right this time. hilarious.

    Posted on Reply
  2. BETSY says:

    Actually dying from this post it’s hilarious… betches don’t eat carbs #truth

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    what not to do with a #teenager:  buy it a sombrero (beerholder) in acapulco

    Posted on Reply
  4. jen says:

    This happened to me two nights ago, I just rolled over and fell asleep.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Ella Michel-Tyler says:

    Normally the betches make me laugh, but this has to be the funniest post yet. “Putty Penis” .. lol

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    Keep sucking up all the penis.  We love betches that swallow our load.  If a betch doesn’t swallow your load, kick that betch to the corner and find her best friend

    Posted on Reply
  7. SOFORWEALTHX says:

    Putty penis is caused by a girls va-jay-jay smelling like a Waffle House restroom after 3 AM….Please betchesss….clean your #VERTICALSMILE on a daily basis….no guy wants to bring a slam piece home and take her undies off and be slapped with a woof of rotten cheese balls….

    Posted on Reply
  8. Sofla betch says:

    This post had me cracking up. I’ve had to deal with all of these situations. And naturally, the thought of it being ME never crossed my mind. These bros need to get it together. Cause it’s so true, “the only thing that got up was ME off his couch.” wink

    Posted on Reply
  9. Kay says:

    Loveee this post! soo true and so horrible to experience
    I’m surprised you also didn’t bring up the dude that can get hard but then is too hard to finally cum! Talk about a freakin work out, happened the other night and never thought I’d say this but it was lasting wayyy to long.

    Posted on Reply
  10. The Man With Bro Name says:

    You bitches are fucking delusional. If a guy can’t get it up, it’s most definitely your fault for not being hot enough. Hit the gym once in awhile and/or get some goddamn implants if you want that dick to stay hard when you get him into bed. There’s always a hotter bitch than you that we can move onto if you’re not pleasing to our demanding eyes. This is a man’s world. Deal with it, ho’s.

    Posted on Reply
    • Actually.. says:

      .. it’s probably because you jerk it to way too much porn. That’s actually a thing.

      Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    never the betches fault.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    why are you on a girls website then?

    Posted on Reply
  13. Em Bee says:

    I’m obsessed. Love this shit

    Posted on Reply
  14. Hilarious says:

    Stop being so defensive Bro. Your excuses are more pathetic than your putty problem.
    Def never the betches fault

    Posted on Reply
  15. Anonymous says:

    Please elaborate

    Posted on Reply
  16. duh says:

    aka whiskey dick….

    Posted on Reply
  17. Pro Bro says:

    If the guy is putty, it’s definitely the girl.

    Posted on Reply
  18. The Man With Bro Name says:

    The only ‘putty’ is that extra 10 pounds of fat you’re carrying on your ass/thighs/stomach, chubs. The best cure for erectile dysfunction is for you ladies to get your lard asses back on the treadmill.

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    Nothing is ever a betches fault first of all. Second of all if a guy is drunk as fuck it is most definitely HIS fault he cant get it up. 100 bucks says you are a virgin and could NEVER get with a betch.

    BTW, this website is called “Betches Love This” because it’s for betches. Get the fuck outta here bro.

    Posted on Reply
  20. Anonymous says:

    If it was the female’s fault for your lack of performance, there wouldn’t be a scientific term for it, now would there? Take your weak justifications for your insecurities and/or homosexuality else where.

    Posted on Reply
  21. Anonymous says:

    The bro who wrote this post most definitely suffers from putty penis

    Posted on Reply
  22. Cali says:

    Have you ever gotten laid?  Seriously, trying to claim that bros can’t get hard because a girl doesn’t have implants?  You sound like a fucking idiot.  AS IF you get in bed with a hot betch and then think, “Hmm there’s always someone hotter” and so your tiny dick refuses to get hard in protest.  Hahahaha, you’re the delusional one.

    Posted on Reply
  23. Betch says:

    Fact- the fatter the guy, the harder he has to work to get it up. Add candy and beer, and you are looking at the worst sex of any betch’s life. So sorry bro, the whiskey dick is entirely your fault.

    Posted on Reply
  24. Anonymous says:

    I don’t know if you got the memo, but betches aren’t fat… If they have any of this ‘putty’ you speak of (although, as we all saw, the Betches coined that term for your dick’s issues), they wouldn’t be betches. At all. Simple as that- it’s your fault…

    Posted on Reply
  25. Anonymous says:

    The ‘bros’ above who claim to not get it up because of a girls looks are clearly fucking out.  Bottomline is that us bros love getting fucked up, and not getting it up is a direct consequence of this.  Whoops.

    The better question is, if a bro is too fucked up to get his dick up, what are you betches doing in his bed?  Did his slurred speech and drunken stumbling really woo you over?  Or where were your fellow betches to inform you of how much your reputation will suffer because you’re going home with a guy who can barely stand up.  Yes it is physically our fault, but don’t bitch about it because you put yourself there.

    Regardless though, I’m not complaining.  Getting naked with a girl is always more fun than getting naked by yourself, so keep doing what you do.  Whenever I’m in this situation however, here’s my advice:

    1. Eat the puss
    2. Rally
    3. Score

    Works every time.  And you’re always too fucked up to physically be able to smell what’s going on between her legs so there’s no excuse not to.

    Posted on Reply
  26. Anonymous says:

    i’m surprised this doesn’t say “raise your fucking hand if you’ve ever noodled a betch, bithces”

    Posted on Reply
  27. Anonymous says:

    ^^this guy is fucking spot on

    Posted on Reply
  28. Anonymous says:

    You obviously have a problem or only get fat/ugly chicks, sorry to hear you aren’t bringing home the betches.

    Posted on Reply
  29. Anonymous says:

    By definition, a true “betch” would have never encountered such an event. This seems like a problem for girls who are not questionably anorexic.

    Posted on Reply
  30. Anonymous says:

    I’m sorry have guys not notice that disgusting thing in between their legs. Your penis is no prettier than a vagina! Deal with it. The putty penis is only caused by the man, its his problem not ours.

    Posted on Reply
  31. Sorry Ladies says:

    But I’m afraid Bro Name is right.

    Methinks you hoes doth protest too much. You girls are clearly closet fatties who can’t handle the sad truth that every guy you’ve been with who couldn’t get it up was simply disgusted with your cellulite-laden body. “Erectile Dysfunction”? Hahaha bitch, please. ED is just a polite euphemism for “this chick is so busted she couldn’t even give Ron Jeremy a boner.”


    Men can never fuck things up in bed, only women can. Sex is for men’s enjoyment first and foremost. Anything good that happens to occur on your end is superfluous. We don’t give a shit because (unlike us) you need sex to validate your attractiveness. So you’ll keep coming back for more no matter how bad it is. We on the other hand need to get our rocks off. And if you’re too ugly to facilitate that, there’s plenty of other women who can.

    Posted on Reply
  32. hahhahaha! says:

    ^#43 Haterrr!! haha

    Posted on Reply
  33. topbetch says:

    Why would a bro take a fat girl home? That sad unfortunate girl is def not a betch, A betch is the hott women who leaves your pathetic ass the second you have trouble with ur little member….we don’t feel bad treating you like shit

    Posted on Reply
  34. top betch says:

    Why would a bro take a fat girl home? That sad unfortunate girl is def not a betch, A betch is the hott women who leaves your pathetic ass the second you have trouble with ur little member….we don’t feel bad treating you like shit

    Posted on Reply
  35. lala says:

    SEEMS LIKES ITS COMPLICATED AFTER ALL

    Posted on Reply
  36. Annoyed betch says:

    This is beyond fucking true. What gets me is when the guy doesn’t even think he has a problem. But making him feel like shit is so worth it #winning

    Posted on Reply
  37. hmm says:

    funny, but never had this problem before

    Posted on Reply
  38. mhmmmm says:

    Whiskey Dick?

    Posted on Reply
  39. Anonymous says:

    You have erectile dysfunction?

    Posted on Reply
  40. Anonymous says:

    You’re awesome.

    Posted on Reply
  41. Anonymous says:

    “Methinks” you’re a fucking loser who’s never gotten laid.

    Posted on Reply
  42. hotbetch says:

    ahahahahhaha ^ good reply

    Posted on Reply
  43. omg says:

    hilarrrioussss lol this happened to me twice f the #puttypenis

    Posted on Reply
  44. Anonymous says:

    dying…. i once dated a funny, hott “pro” who i really hit it off with, i was a good girl and actually waited a while before i assessed his situation…he had putty penis to the T… his name became ‘impotent matt’ to all my besties… i stopped talking to him and he actually got mad at me when i told him that i could never be serious with him because not being able to get it up in my presence means A- you’re gay, B-you have psych issues, or C- he’s a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy… as my mom once said if he’s impotent, he’s not important.

    Posted on Reply
  45. Mr. Hard Dick says:

    If a bitch cant keep my dick hard, I pee on her. Watch out betches, I’m comin for you.

    Posted on Reply
  46. Ya Betch! says:

    Totally a dudes fault!

    Posted on Reply
  47. Mia says:

    What if the guy takes TOO LONG to finish? and I dont mean in a good way that he lasts too long, I mean he has an ED where when he’s drunk….he just can’t finish and goes limp!??

    Posted on Reply
  48. gay dude says:

    ED is a Man’s inability to get a boner because of stress, alcohol consumption, tiredness, poor diet, or anything else that comes with unhealthy body. It really is the man’s fault. Healthy men can get hard at a moment’s notice, regardless if there’s an attractive stimulus around. Stop making excuses. Get Yourself to the gym, eat better, and drink less if you want to get with a betch, which apparently you haven’t because you’re too busy fucking around with the sad girls who still read The Babysitters Club at the age of 22.
    You have never been with a betch and with your small mind and views, you’ll never be with one. Suck it up. Your dick’s not that great. Work on it.

    Posted on Reply
  49. Anonymous says:

    ^ stupid wannabe pro. Go jack off to the thought of a betch swallowing your said excuse of a nut. #twopumpchump.

    Posted on Reply
  50. BITCH XO says:

    this happened to me so i just pretended he want there, masturbated, and went to sleep. lol whatev betch

    Posted on Reply
  51. wannabe european says:

    according to my european friends, the term whiskey dick refers to a drunk guy doing the deed for hours without being able to finish. big problem right? so…when did american guys adopt this term to cover for their shit???? let’s all move to europe ladies.

    Posted on Reply
  52. Ugh.. get a clue. False fact. says:

    Although some dudes have a real issue, this shit happens to EVERY guy at one point or another. I have a reputation of being a stud in bed and with my experience and not to brag, i’m well above average (7.75), believe me I have no problem getting the job done but this shit happens to the best of us. Now I will admit there have been a few times where i’ve been bordering on blacking out and it’s happened and i’ve had other times where i’ve been just as drunk and fucked like a rockstar all night. You can’t even really explain why it happens sometimes. I will say, that it not being the fault of a girl is categorically not a true statement. I use to fuck this girl all the time and we had the most amazing sexual relationship. We both would meet up every time we’d be back in town from school and have what I can describe in no other fashion than violent, vicious, rough, incredible sex. However, once I got to know her, and I feel genuinely bad about this, I found her personality to be really unattractive. Keep in mind this sexual relationship lasted almost a year and meetings generally consisted of a text or phone call asking me to meet up, followed by a late night visit, straight to sex, 15 min of spooning, a movie and then she’d know that It was time to go. Of course it came to the point that she began to like me and wanted more and I decided it was worth giving a chance. Then I REALLY got to know her and what I found was not attractive. That led me to “putty dick” as you betches are calling it. Let me tell you.. the ONLY reason i kept tying was because she would literally beg me to sleep with her and i actually felt bad that i had fucked her for so long and then became un attracted to her.. Im sorry but that was all her fault. What’s worse is that they start asking about why i’m not into it anymore. What am i suppose to say? You’re a great late night fuck but a shitty person to talk to and be a competent companion?

    Posted on Reply
  53. betchubet says:

    straight dying.

    Posted on Reply
  54. Jadedurn says:

    you love this?  , just clicks away

    Posted on Reply
  55. Anonymous says:

    bro here, curious on something. how do betches feel about a guy who has the opposite of ED/PE? my dick just never wants to cum but i’m dtf for as long as the betch has it in her - i’m not sting or anything but i’ve gone non-stop for a couple hours before. i feel like half the girls i fuck get insecure as shit about it though.

    Posted on Reply
  56. Anonymous says:

    No betch would ever go home with a pro who lived in a 5 story walk up. gag.  by definition they aren’t even a pro unless they have a fucking elevator and a doorman at MIN…...sounds like a nice guy

    Posted on Reply
  57. real man says:

    To say you are a cunt is an understatement, and all you bitch whores who agree with this bs are simple minded sluts.  simply put:  fuck you all,  nvm your legs probably don’t shut on a slow day anyway lol.  It’s this kinds of bs that makes most guys hate women like you.  It’s hard to get it up when you look like a wet dog to begin with.

    Posted on Reply
  58. Nikki says:

    Haha, dealt with this as well on many occasions, one time I got a guy back to mine and I had to bite my lip to refrain from laughing when I got his pants off! Whats more he couldn’t get hard and he actually said excuse me and went into the bathroom, I could hear him playing with it going “Come on! Why wont you work!” lol, I just made my excuses and left, he made me promise not to tell anyone, first thing I did the next day is tell all of my girls! haha, he has not been laid since, think I shattered his confidence hehe.

    Posted on Reply
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