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By The Betches on

“My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.” ― Chelsea Handler

When a betch is hooking up with a guy, she will often get to the point where she has to make a night-altering decision: to blow or not to blow. That is the fucking question.

Although it seems counterintuitive, betches know that giving head can sometimes be a bigger deal than #8 not fucking bros. Like Chelsea Handler said, this is one of the only times that you're doing something truly selfless. But wait, is it?

Head can be the gift that gives back later. Let's not underestimate the manipulative power of fellatio. We're pretty sure wars have been fought over a good BJ. Just ask Marc Antony, Henry VIII, or anyone else who let their dick run their country.

catherineparrCatherine Parr: Good head.

 

There are many factors to consider when deciding what to do when you're in this sticky situation, pun intended. In that awkward moment when a guy pushes a betch's head down with his eyes, she will often think a variation of the following: Is it losing if I do it now? What if he takes like, forever? What if it's fucking ugly?

[Side Note: If a guy actually takes your head and pushes it towards his penis, do not fucking do it. Would you take a guy's credit card and nudge it towards the bartender?]

But bros, even if we decide to bestow this gift upon you, don't be mistaken. Given the right circumstances, this is not a sign of submission. A betch clearly knows how to use head to fuck with your head. Fucking duh.

Giving a BJ can be used to avoid having sex with a guy, or if you have lukewarm feels towards him, you might have sex to avoid giving him head.

For instance, you might wind up having sex with a #89 back burner bro because on your three dates he's spent upwards of $500 on you and though you're not a hooker, you're not really sure where the line of basic human decency is crossed. As in, how many more nights can you just make out with him and maybe allow him to go down on you? Because you're not that physically attracted to him, having sex as opposed to giving head allows you to gain more while giving a little. inception The anxiety over feeling obligated to 'return the favor' as opposed to feeling general lust for a bro/pro is how you know you have encountered a true BBB.

However, not all betches are down to go down. So the question remains, is it betchy to give head? When and to who?

The Dickaphobe: Maybe you're terrible at it, maybe your gag reflex is just really sensitive due to your bulimia, but this is the girl who's more likely to buzz her grandpa's inner ear hair than go anywhere near a guy's dick. The phobe might also just be terrified of the penis, possibly due to past-penis-trauma. Like Cam Diaz in the Sweetest Thing, you never know what the fuck is on the other side of the wall in a public bathroom. There's nothing more perturbing than the tip of a penis.

The girl who does it just because: This girl will usually give head to a guy the first time she and him hookup, maybe because she thinks she's good at it. Maybe she is. Congrats. What a guy will think when you give him head the first time is that you will give any guy head the first time. It's probably true. No one would want a Birkin if they were giving them away for free. Once you've set the hookup-bar high, you can't just go back to casual OTPHJs*.

This might also be the girl who would rather give head than have sex, but only if it's a one night stand to keep her number down. But when it comes to a guy she likes, she's down there faster than your Asian valedictorian runs home to practice the violin.

The Classical Conditioner: This is the betchiest method of allocating BJs. This is the girl who uses head as a manipulative tool to get what she wants. Betches are smart, and we know that any worker will perform better when the rewards are great and given only in exchange for a job well done, in any sense of the word. Be this a particularly good performance on you, a surprisingly lovely gift, or flowers at work so that everyone can be jealous of you and your amazing boyfriend smile

burger kingThe BJ Queen usually ends up with the Burger King.

 

The BJ Extraordinaire: This betch just fucking loooooves the penis, plain and simple, wants to eat it for breakfast lunch and dinner in lieu of her normal meals consisting of air and Diet Coke. Or she's just fishing for compliments. You know there are people who get like, this special type of compliment, the kind you can buy things with? Modern society knows them as prostitutes.

So, the BJ question is different for everyone. Sometimes sex and head hang out, sometimes sex brings head to the #23 pregame and she bounces before the party, or for some girls, head is the friend they put on their <a title="25." the="" arch="" nemesis"="" data-cke-saved-href="http://betcheslovethis.com/node/45" href="http://betcheslovethis.com/node/45">#25 WYDEL years ago. But beware betches, once you've made your decision, follow through with it. Half-assing a BJ is like a guy giving you a "dream" vacation to a dude ranch, or taking you to dinner and letting you pay the tip.

OTPHJ = Over The Pants Hand Job

 

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59 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Leanne says:

    This is so not betchy.

    Posted on Reply
  2. Jlee says:

    Hi betches,
    I realize this is totally unbetchy, but I’ve awarded you a Versatile Blogger Award.  You have to go here to accept the award: http://jlee5879.wordpress.com/2011/09/28/i-won-an-award-btches/
    There are a few things you have to do, and I know betches don’t like to work, so if you decide to do nothing with it that’s fine with me. I will still keep your site posted on my site.

    Congrats betches! I love this site!
    http://www.jlee5879.wordpress.com

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anon says:

    I love it. Brilliant. Nice save, betches.

    Posted on Reply
  4. Anna says:

    betches are and only are classical conditioners. anything else is seriously unbetchy.

    dickaphobe? a betch will go down only when she wants to. just because a betch chooses not to go down doesn’‘t because she’s scared. there is very little betches are scared of. dick is not one of them.

    the girl who does it just because… is not a betch. that girl is a slut. this should be more appropriately titled “a girl who does it because she’s not a betch.” she obviously doesnt know any better.

    BJ extraordinaire- betches excel in everything we put our mind to, BJ’s being one of them. but just because we’re amazing in everything we do doesn’t mean we want to do it all the time. or even every once in a while. 

    BJ’s are like a fancy wine that you can only get in France. If you drank it every day, you’d lose all appreciation for it. BJ’s are only for those special occasions.

    a guy gets hard at the thought of fucking a betch. if you’re lying there naked and a guy needs a BJ to get it up, you are not a betch.

     

    Posted on Reply
  5. Natasha says:

    Why do we always hear about guys first?  I want an article about guys eating US out.

    Posted on Reply
  6. BJ says:

    This is unreal, keep up the good work. Whoever says its unbetchy just obviously isn’t getting any

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    Umm.. not so much. I liked the comments section better than the post. I’ve been let down by these posts the past two days. Step it up or let it die quietly.

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    I mean , if you’re a betch it’s obviously happening whenever you want it to. Guys will be more than eager to eat out a betch not only to keep her around, but because it’s a fucking privilege.

    Posted on Reply
  9. Clara says:

    YES YES YES

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    This is fucking brilliant!

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    This is the first time I have ever been on this blog. And i am so happy this is the first post i ever read. well played betches. head is a power move for a girl. the sooner all girls catch on to that, and use it appropriately there after,the better of they’ll be.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    Not giving head is actually more betchy. Why do something and possibly not get it in return?

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    Betchiest thing I’ve ever read. loling for days

    Posted on Reply
  14. mm says:

    ....it is so not betchy to give head. I refuse, not because I’m scared, but because there’s no way I’m doing that. There are other ways to manipulate guys that don’t involve getting on your knees. You girls who write this crap are all for acting like a slut, but seriously it’s the least betchy thing to do. It’s really fucking unattractive. Head is for boyfriends, and even then it’s like, once a year. Giving head during a hookup, especially the first one, just looks bad. Some of this site is really good, but everything involving sex is retarded. What’s classier, a girl who knows she’s too good to get into such a compromising position on her knees, or a girl who is willing to, even if it’s really infrequent. Just saying…

    Posted on Reply
  15. betch, please says:

    whoever says giving out BJ’s like food in a fucking soup kitchen is not betchy.


    let’s not act like we’re trying to get fucked

    Posted on Reply
  16. Anonymous says:

    since when are smiley faces betchy? so out of place

    Posted on Reply
  17. SB betch says:

    are you a

    1. virgin
    2. nun
    3. schoolteacher
    4. all of the above?

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    Where is the comment we were all waiting for?! Spit or swallow or let them do their own shit? You might as well go full force with it. But obviously a true betch will do her job and get the fuck out.

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    I completely agree. Fucking duh, are you betches new?

    Posted on Reply
  20. Anonymous says:

    agreed, get your shit together. betches dont like doing work..

    Posted on Reply
  21. The Man With Bro Name says:

    Giving head is standard sexual practice, sweetie. If you refuse to suck dick regularly, 99% of men will not even consider you as a dating option. The other 1% are either uptight religious nuts or closet fags.

    Enjoy dying alone.

    Posted on Reply
    • obvi says:

      So true. If you except a guy to eat you out you should be willing to give him head.

      Posted on Reply
  22. betch, please says:

    Hun, a betch wouldn’t give you head in the first place. no one cares what sluts fucking do.

    Posted on Reply
  23. Anonymous says:

    is standard slutty practice. i think you’re confusing betches with sluts

    Posted on Reply
  24. Anonymous says:

    If ur technique is perfect n u use ur hand u’ll end up with a ring on ur finger. A good BJ is equivalent to Ina Gardens Engagement Chicken dish.

    Posted on Reply
  25. Anonymous says:

    no sweetie, i just don’t need to get on my knees to get what i want. X

    Posted on Reply
  26. Anonymous says:

    Couldn’t agree more. I’m glad some of us hold down the betchy fort while the supposed betches are too busy sucking D to write betchy posts.

    Posted on Reply
  27. Anonymous says:

    betch love

    xx

    Posted on Reply
  28. Betchy betch betch says:

    A bj is the most powerful manipulation tool there is!! Guys will do anything for a bj and if he expects it and doesn’t get it.. You best know your ass is out the effing door! It’s about timing and mind control. His anticipation is what will make him your bitch. It’s like training. The timing however is not anytime he wants, that’s for slampieces, not betches. All of you who are saying betches don’t do bjs probably don’t even have a BBB and that’s the reason why, no bjs.

    Posted on Reply
  29. anon says:

    well im not a betch but is it really betchy to even write on this?...seems like you care too much for a blog…its like whatever…

    Posted on Reply
  30. TR says:

    Um honey, if you honestly think this you may want to rethink ever getting married. Actually, dating at all. If you don’t want to give head then I suggest not having a maid,nanny, or even friends once you happen to trick a guy into marrying you, unless you want to catch them with your husband “who doesn’t mind not getting head” ( or whatever the fuck line he usually feeds you) in the pool house with a mouthful. If he’s not getting it from you, he’s getting it from some one else. Because you being hot and not putting out properly will eventually fade, just like his patience for you.  Would you really want the promise of never getting flowers for the rest of your life? Fucking thought so.

    Posted on Reply
  31. TR says:

    Um honey, if you honestly think this you may want to rethink ever getting married. Actually, dating at all. If you don’t want to give head then I suggest not having a maid,nanny, or even friends once you happen to trick a guy into marrying you, unless you want to catch them with your husband “who doesn’t mind not getting head” ( or whatever the fuck line he usually feeds you) in the pool house with a mouthful. If he’s not getting it from you, he’s getting it from some one else. Because you being hot and not putting out properly will eventually fade, just like his patience for you.  Would you really want the promise of never getting flowers for the rest of your life? Fucking thought so.

    Posted on Reply
  32. Anonymous says:

    your most powerful manipulation tool, then your manipulation skills really suck dick. (get it?)

    “if he expects it and doesn’t get it.. You best know your ass is out the effing door…”  so you’re saying betches don’t have a choice either way. but being a betch means being in control 100% of the time,  so might as well rationalize BJ’s by pretending we’re in control…over the timing at least… but only to an extent

    Posted on Reply
  33. Anonymous says:

    but I have to say that anyone who would say giving head is a “standard slutty practice” is either in junior high, or has never had a boyfriend, dated, or been sexually active whatsoever. An absolutely naive and juvenile thing to say. 

    I’m getting too defensive over blow jobs.

    Posted on Reply
  34. Love Ya Betch! xx says:

    Um obz this is amazing. As my favorite quote goes, “Every betch knows the only thing hotter than a good actual fuck is a quality mind fuck”. I believe (and I’m a $poiled Law $chool Betch so I’m /always/ right), that this goes both ways. If you’re not a BJ giving betch, alright whatever, I’m definitely not hanging out with you anyways unless your super hot, chill, and winning with or without Pros. ANYWAYS, when after finally I decide to not not #8 and I actually allow another the privilege of such delights, there’s nothing better than a quality BJ to win just a little bit harder. As a TRUE betch you are amazing/fabulous/awe-worthy regardless, but I for one take additional pleasure in the male mind-fuck of “What just happened…and how did you do that?” Yeah. That’s that thanks for the dinners, yes these diamonds are from Mommy and worth more than your BMW, and yes I did in fact just make you feel like a child again in less than 5 minutes. You’re welcome. Now put some clothes on whore and keep me warm like you’re supposed to.

    Keep up the good work Betches

    Posted on Reply
  35. Kate says:

    Carrie: Well, it’s not my favorite thing on the menu, but you know, I’ll order it from time to time, and, with the right guy, it can be nice.
    Miranda Hobbes: Oral sex is like God’s gift to women. - You can get off without worrying about getting pregnant.
    Samantha Jones: Plus the sense of power is such a turn-on, maybe you’re on your knees, but you got him by the balls.

    This kinda says it perfectly.

    Posted on Reply
  36. Anonymous says:

    My boyfriend is a model who has done runway in Paris, so I’m clearly doing something right in the dating department. I’m good at what I do I don’t need to suck his dick like a slutty 16 year old girl in high school who doesn’t know how else to get guys to like her. Poor girl, you’re obviously stuck in that rut.

    To the comment on how it’s common sexual practice, there’s a huge difference between giving a little tease pre-everything else vs. getting on your knees and getting him off.

    @TR One last thing, I’m not sure what you look like but no one would ever cheat on me with a maid, a friend, or a nanny…ew

    This post was stupid, it glorifies acting like a whore…which is never, ever betchy. This site has gone sooo downhill, over it

    Posted on Reply
  37. anon says:

    these bitches* are so wrong, head is the most manipulative thing a betch can do. real betches give head, so all these wannabe betches should step their game up and shut the fuck up.

    Posted on Reply
  38. The Man With Bro Name says:

    Let me get this straight: Your boyfriend is a runway model who isn’t bothered by the fact that his girlfriend refuses to blow him?

    Congratulations, honey. You officially have the worst gaydar in the entire world. I hope he at least wears a condom during his visits to the Parisian bathhouses after strutting the catwalk. AIDS may be treatable but it still ain’t curable.

    Posted on Reply
  39. Anonymous says:

    Amen to this betch with the gaydar compliment.

    Giving head is not only fun, it’s a total power move. Very betchy.

    Posted on Reply
  40. ~ says:

    i’m literally laughing at the girl up there who is so anti-blowjobs with anyone and i cannot wait to hear about her future divorce.

    Posted on Reply
  41. Anonymous says:

    in response to the dickaphobe: my betchy bestie is a huge dickaphobe. she just WONT SUCK DICK she absolutely hates it. she may not be terrified, but she definitely has some sort of phobia, because every betch knows a good bj is key to manipulating and mind fucking a bro.

    Posted on Reply
  42. anonymous says:

    PHENOMENAL REBUTTAL.

    and it’s true. while i speak solely for relationship terms—holding out on giving a routine BJ is going to land you a first-class ticket to the therapist so you can figure out how to get over your boyfriend cheating on you.

    ladies, ladies, ladies…lets not forget the fundamental characteristic of being a betch: power.

    and the power isn’t going to fall in your lap if your not willing to get face down into his at least every now and then. because once you show him that your willing and can actually provide a decent to award winning BJ…then you have him right where you want him.

    like i said, this is for relationships only. in my eyes, any relationship where a dude is at your beckon call and you can more or less get away with fucking him on your terms and your terms only—is fucking boring. and any betch can find a dude that is whipped enough to comply with everything you say: it’s called lowering your standards.

    dudes that are worth your time to date are the ones who aren’t all over you and let you know they’re 100% your no matter what - a true betch will find mr. right when he can challenge her and doesn’t act like she’s the end all and be all of his existence.

    because you know what the end all and be all of any dude’s existence is? a decent fucking blow job.

    and for all you quasi-betches out there: if you don’t get on your knees than you open a door for him that will lead him to temptation towards any girl who will.

    betches don’t open doors for anyone.

     

     

    Posted on Reply
  43. aaaa says:

    Clearly, despite what you say your horrified of dick and even if you weren’t your just some type of prude or nasty bitch(you don’t deserve to be a betch) that no one wants to touch, you fall into the deena or snooki category listed above. I’m overly confident about my dick sucking abilities and for good reason clearly you’ve never been to successful or pleasing for a guy. But just because I don’t mind getting on my knees and providing someone with a good fucking time doesn’t mean anything about me other than I’m confident in my abilities and also, have enough self esteem to know that I’m not a whore. Think more highly of yourself or something. Don’t come to the betches site just to be a whiney, prude, unfuckable bitch smile

    Posted on Reply
  44. anonymous says:

    True betches do not need to give head to be “considerable” for dating. Men will fall head over heels in love with the best, aka betches, regardless of favors.

    Posted on Reply
  45. Justin says:

    This is awesome.  Just don’t stop, especially if your man deserves it.  If he’s a dick then fine I get it, don’t.  But sex, blow jobs, etc shouldn’t be a game of control or persuasion.  If both partners think of the other, with an open mind of course, then walla…O’s for everyone!!!  It that’s not working then talk, communications the key. Some women are way more confusing than others.  Maybe you want to blow, but you’re are just nervous.  If I don’t know this then I may feel like you are a true betch or maybe you really don’t like me.  We really can’t read your minds.

    Posted on Reply
  46. Brittany says:

    1. Make sure the guy absolutely adores you before you go down on him. If you are unsure of his adoration, that fact is that he doesn’t. If he is head-over-heels for you, he’ll return the favor and insure an intact heart.
    2. Sex is always for your partner. When I’m focused on my lover and he is focused on me, we both win.

    If I’m thinking of myself, or the power struggle, or anything else besides the fact that I’m getting laid/giving head/getting head, than the sex is like, whatever. And no sex is worth having unless its mind blowing.

    http://www.thebionicbrittany.wordpress.com

    Posted on Reply
  47. TwoXX says:

    Truly a topic more women should understand.
    Those that do reap the benefits.  The others
    meet therapists in the dust of their relationships.

    Posted on Reply
  48. Anonymous says:

    ohemgee my boyfriend’s a runway model!! i rock! sorry betch but you make me laugh. try taking your head out of your ass for some fresh air sometime babycheeks.

    Posted on Reply
  49. BJ Extraordinarre says:

    While, I want to argue as to the “Unbetchiness” of this post. I love it.
    I have no shame in blowjobs, they save me from nearly any other work.
    NTM, once I’ve done it once all I got to say is, “Oh, Warner do you *remember* when we spent those four amazing hours in the hot tub together after winter formal?” (Legally Blonde, Elle Woods)

    Yes? Good. Now, Drive.

    Did someone say, “Power-Betch”?

    Posted on Reply
  50. Bad Betch 1 says:

    Um, no. I don’t give head and I’ve got loads of guys after me. I’m an attractive, fun, and moral betch, and some guys actually really like a classy woman. If a guy likes a girl enough, he’ll put up with her wishes.

    Posted on Reply
  51. Anonymous says:

    closet fags?  good luck getting a gbff, bitch

    Posted on Reply
  52. Anonymous says:

    you sound like you’re fucking retarded

    Posted on Reply
  53. Anonymous says:

    I’m a guy with many a betchy friend who only dates betches. I like this site, what can I say smile. I expect the girls I date to be exciting and adventurous… I wouldn’t expect a betch to put out on a first date, or even a third, but If you’re unwilling to explore and have fun sexually… I’d lose respect and we wouldn’t date for long. Of course you should only “get adventurous” with a guy if the guy really deserves it smile.

    Posted on Reply
  54. Actual guy says:

    You girls are silly.  I break up with any woman who refuses to give head, without warning.  Why would I want to be with someone so selfish?

    Not sure if yall are serious or not but… if you want a MAN and not a servant, then try finding someone who actually wants to be with you so you can drop all this bs.

    Else enjoy getting used and lied to… lmao

    Posted on Reply
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